What Other People Can See About You That You Can’t

“I was going to hand in my notice on Monday,” Adam said.

He glanced away from his screen.

“Obviously, I didn’t.”

Eight members had joined me for the Zoom session. A few nodded as Adam described his week.

His side hustle had begun to bring in about eighty percent of what his day job paid. He’d built it in the evenings and on weekends. But lately, by the time he got home, he could barely think.

The past several weeks, sales had started to fall. He spent weekends watching videos about scaling businesses but then would go to bed angry that he hadn’t actually done anything to help his business grow.

Another member, Daniel, leaned toward his camera. He owned a company and had been with his girlfriend for three years. Lately, they’d been fighting a lot.

“What would have to happen for you to feel ready?” Daniel asked Adam.

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out,” Adam said.

“But you said that last time,” Daniel said.

Adam’s face reddened.

“It’s a bit different when you’re doing two jobs,” he said. “I can’t just spend the whole day on the business.”

“I know,” Daniel said. “That’s why I’m asking.”

“You don’t know what my job’s been like lately,” Adam said.

Adam began describing his project manager’s latest demands. He was halfway through explaining why another project had fallen to him when I interrupted.

“Adam, can we pause? What did you hear Daniel saying?” I asked.

“That I should stop making excuses,” Adam said.

“Daniel, is that what you meant?”

Daniel took a breath.

“Some of it. I am frustrated. You sound miserable every time you talk about your job. But I don’t know if quitting is the right decision.”

Adam sat back and folded his arms.

I waited a moment.

“Do you feel up to telling Daniel what’s happening for you?”

“I feel like I have to prove I’m not lazy,” Adam said.

“Tell him,” I said.

Adam looked toward his screen.

“I’ve worked my ass off to get this far. When you said that, it felt like none of it counted.”

Daniel stopped leaning toward the camera.

“I wasn’t thinking you were lazy.”

“You just said you thought I was making excuses,” Adam said.

“Yeah, but about deciding,” Daniel said. “I know you work hard.”

Adam opened his mouth, then stopped.

I could have asked more about his project manager. But I wanted to stay with what had just happened between these two men.

“What were you hoping Daniel would say when you told us you hadn’t handed in your notice?” I asked Adam.

Adam reflected for a long while, then said, “That I’d done the right thing.”

“And if he’d said you should quit?” I asked.

Adam considered it.

“I’d probably have explained why I couldn’t.”

A small smile appeared on his face, then disappeared.

“I’m being a pain in the ass.”

“You’ve noticed something important,” I said. “Can you just stay with it before you give yourself another insult?”

Adam looked down at his desk. “I want you to tell me what to do,” he said. “But I also want you to promise it’ll work.”

Another member, Marcus, spoke up. He had joined the group after his divorce. He’d taken a job in a new city, where he knew almost no one outside the office.

“I was hoping for that too,” Marcus said.

Adam looked up.

“I keep asking David whether I made the right choice taking this job,” Marcus said. “I think I want him to tell me I haven’t screwed up twice.”

No one answered immediately.

Marcus often followed an admission like this with a list of things that were going well. The job paid well. The apartment was fine. This time, he stopped speaking.

I gave him a few more seconds before asking Adam, “What thoughts came up for you when you heard Marcus say that?”

“That I don’t think he’s screwed up,” Adam said.

“Ok then. You can tell him directly,” I suggested.

“I don’t think you’ve screwed up, Marcus,” Adam said. “I think you’ve had a horrible year. And you’re trying to figure out what you want now.”

Marcus nodded. “Thanks.”

Adam rubbed his forehead.

“I can say that to you. But if my business failed, I’d be calling myself an idiot every day.”

“Even if the decision made sense with what you knew at the time?” I asked.

“Probably,” Adam said.

“And would our approval stop you?” I asked.

Adam shook his head.

“So even if we all agreed you should leave that day job,” I said, “you’d still blame yourself if it went badly?”

“Yes,” Adam said. “I’d tell myself I should have known better.”

Daniel spoke up, “I do that too.”

Adam looked at him.

“With my girlfriend,” Daniel continued. “If we go somewhere she picked and it’s a waste of time, I make sure she knows it.”

Daniel had told us that almost every weekend, they’d get into some argument. Like, his girlfriend wanted to go somewhere new, but he wanted to train, keep to his diet, and spend more time on his business.

“She says I make everything feel like a test,” Daniel said.

“Well, do you agree with her?” I asked.

“I think I have things I need to get done,” Daniel said.

“You do,” I said. “But what about her claim?”

Daniel looked off screen. “Well, she’s not wrong.”

Adam spoke to Daniel. “When you asked why I hadn’t quit yet, I felt like you’d already decided I should. And I had to explain why I still hadn’t done it.”

“I was only trying to help,” Daniel said. Then Daniel paused. “I say that to my girlfriend when she tells me I’m pressuring her.”

I gave them a moment.

“Adam, sorry,” Daniel said. “I was getting impatient. I wanted you to make a decision so that I could stop feeling frustrated.”

“Thanks for sharing that,” Adam replied. “Your question was fair. But I thought you were calling me a coward. After that, all I could think about was defending myself.”

After a moment, I turned back to Daniel.

“So Daniel, what would you say you liked most about your girlfriend when you first met, besides her looks?” I asked.

Daniel smiled. “She’d get me out of the apartment. Once we drove off for a weekend getaway with only about an hour’s notice. I loved that.”

“What happens when she suggests something like that now?” I asked.

“Oh, uh, I start counting what I won’t get done,” Daniel said.

He sat with that for a few seconds.

“I talk about her like she’s a problem with my schedule.”

I let him finish.

“You may have some hard choices to make together,” I said. “But she needs a chance to tell you what this relationship is like for her, too.”

Daniel nodded. This time, he didn’t add any explanations.

Later in the session, Adam returned to the topic of his side hustle. “I think I’ve been waiting until I can quit without being scared.”

Marcus spoke up, “I’d still want to look at why sales are falling.”

Adam’s jaw tightened, “Hey, I already told you. I don’t have time to—”

He stopped.

Marcus waited.

Adam looked around his screen. I held back. He’d caught himself, and I wanted to give him a chance to finish.

“Marcus, do you think I should stay in my job?” Adam asked.

“I don’t know enough to say,” Marcus replied. “You said sales are falling because you’re too tired to spend time on the business. Have you checked that? Or could sales be falling for another reason?”

Adam took a breath.

“No. I haven’t checked. I’ve just assumed that having more time would fix it.”

“What’s stopped you from checking?” I asked.

“I’m scared I’ve left it too long,” Adam said. “If the business is doing worse than I thought, I’ll blame myself for not quitting months ago.”

“Would it help to talk through what you need to find out?” I asked.

“Yes,” Adam said.

“Before we do that, Adam, what did you first think Marcus meant when he asked about sales?” I asked.

“That I’d be an idiot to quit.”

“Is that what you meant, Marcus?”

“No,” Marcus said. “I wanted to know what’s causing the drop in sales. I wasn’t saying you’d be an idiot.”

I turned back to Adam.

“Earlier, when Daniel questioned you, you started explaining how hard you’d been working. What did you do this time?”

“I nearly did the same thing,” Adam said. “Then I asked Marcus whether he thought I should stay.”

“And his answer?”

“He had a legitimate question about something I do need to look at… I thought he’d already decided I was making a mistake.”

“Do you still feel you have to defend yourself to him?” I asked.

“A bit,” Adam said. “But I can listen now without feeling so defensive.”

Marcus nodded, “I’m happy to just help you think it through. You don’t have to agree with me or make the same choices I would make.”

Adam paused. “I’d like that,” he said. “I need to check what’s happening with the financials. And, I’d rather be able to talk with you about it than spend the whole time trying to prove I know what I’m doing.”

By the end of the session, Adam had chosen a time the next morning to review the sales figures. He would also check his living expenses and savings. He could bring back what he found, including anything he didn’t like.

Before we signed off, I asked what he expected to happen when he opened the figures.

“I’ll probably want to do something else,” Adam said.

“What could you do instead?” I asked.

“Catch the impulse before I waste another hour on YouTube,” Adam said.

“And if you start calling yourself an idiot?” I asked.

Adam paused.

“I could give myself a chance to look at the facts first.”

Adam still had a decision to make. Daniel still had a difficult conversation ahead of him. Marcus still faced evenings alone in a new city.

During the session, though, each had done something he often avoided.

Adam had asked what someone else meant while he felt judged. Daniel had listened to the effect of his words without defending his intentions. Marcus had admitted his fear without rushing to reassure everyone that he was fine.

The other members could answer them. They could disagree, correct a mistaken impression, or own something they’d done.

That’s one reason a guided group can help in ways that 1:1 private work about the same problem may not. In the group, we can catch the reaction as it happens. Another member questions you, and you start defending yourself. We can help you pause, notice what you’re doing, and try a different response with that person right there and then.

With help, you can find out what they really think and feel, and practice how you respond.

One attempt won’t settle a habit you’ve had for years. Even during this session, Adam’s urge to defend himself came back.

But he caught it sooner than before. He asked a question he ordinarily wouldn’t have. And he had the inner calm to stay present to hear the answer.

In the Integrated program, you get to practice responding differently, with my guidance, until it becomes easier to do outside the group. That can mean making a choice you’ve put off for months, talking with your partner without another fight, or finally giving the business you care about the time it needs to grow.