When you can’t agree with yourself

You could explain the benefits of exercise while your gym shoes sit untouched by the door. You could suggest an honest talk while putting off one of your own.

And if someone said you just needed to learn more about exercise or honesty, you might feel like throwing something at him.

Knowing the advice isn’t the hard part.

You could give someone good advice about a problem that you’re actually still struggling with yourself.

You may have no idea why you keep avoiding something that matters to you. Or you may face a choice about your career or your relationship and not know what to do next.

Being told to trust yourself doesn’t help much when you can’t tell which feeling to trust.

This first piece is about what really happens when you try to act or decide. You might keep putting off a goal you’ve chosen. You might need a change but have no clear idea what comes next. Or you might feel torn between choices that would each cost you something you care about.

You can get plenty done but still keep putting off something that matters to you.

Suppose you’ve been building a product alongside your regular job. You have the skills to build it. But each time you start on the minimum viable product that people could use, you find one more thing to research.

You watch a video about the business model, then an interview with someone who’s done something similar. Some of that is useful, of course.

But a month later, you still haven’t made much progress on that minimum viable product.

You’ve solved problems and met other deadlines during that month. But the big project you chose for yourself keeps getting pushed to next week and then the week after that.

You probably don’t need another lecture about why you should pursue your goals.

Something crucial happens when you’re about to take the next step in your business. It doesn’t happen when you press play on another YouTube video.

Pay attention to those few seconds before you change the plan.

Perhaps you open the project and see all the things you could improve. Then you picture someone using it, finding a flaw, and deciding you don’t know what you’re doing.

You feel uneasy. Suddenly, another video on how to launch a product seems like a wiser use of your time.

It may help. It also lets you stop thinking about someone judging yours.

That’s what makes this so easy to miss. The video can teach you something useful and give you relief from that fear at the same time.

You can defend the choice to watch it. But after a month of making that choice, you still haven’t built the thing you care about.

You know a minimum viable product will have flaws. That’s part of the deal. But a flaw in yours might feel like proof that you aren’t as good as people think.

You can know that this makes no sense but still feel it. Being good at your job doesn’t make you immune to shame.

One part of you is eager to build the thing. Another is afraid you’ll put your best effort into it and feel like an idiot when it falls short.

So it finds a good reason to wait, then another. Each delay puts off the moment when you might feel exposed.

You still care about the project. You’re also relieved that you don’t have to face that feeling right now.

You tell yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Of course they do. But the part of you that’s afraid may still expect your mistake to hurt too much.

Then you get fed up with yourself. You’ve solved far harder problems than this. Why the hell can’t you just get on with it?

Now you’re ashamed of being afraid. The lecture you gave yourself has made it even harder to face the project.

You may also be ready for a change without knowing what you want next.

You’ve spent years getting good at something. But now you’re no longer sure you want to keep doing it. You may keep going back and forth over the same options. Or none of the options you’ve thought of feels worth pursuing.

More discipline won’t tell you what you want your life to be. But notice what happens when you consider a new direction.

The bills and your family deserve serious thought. You know that quitting your job because you watched an inspiring video is not a rational plan.

But the budget may not explain all your doubts. You might also dread losing the respect you’ve earned. Or you’re worried about disappointing someone who has different plans for your life.

You might find an option you’d enjoy, then picture explaining it to your peers. It sounds less impressive than your current job. So you cross it off the list before you’ve given it a fair look.

Before you’ve even tried it, you’ve let an imagined dinner conversation rule out a life you might enjoy.

You can be scared of a choice that would make your life better. So get specific about what you fear losing. Your income? Someone’s respect? The comfort of being good at your current job? Those are different problems. Each needs more thought than “This scares me, so I’d better stay put.”

And being excited about a new life doesn’t mean you’ll enjoy living it. Picture a random Tuesday six months after you quit. You’ve got deadlines, bills, and tasks you’d rather avoid. The choice has to make sense on that Tuesday, too.

You could spend years in a job you no longer like because you dread what people would think if you left. That’s a hell of a price to pay for approval.

Then there are major choices where you feel pulled in different directions.

You may be building a company you care about while also wanting more time for a serious relationship and a family. You can get things done. But each commitment asks for time you can’t give to the other.

Or you may be deciding whether to commit to a relationship. At one moment, you picture a future together. At another, you dwell on what makes you unsure.

Those doubts might point to a problem you need to address. They might reflect fear about what commitment would require. You need to find out more before treating either feeling as the answer.

Pushing yourself harder won’t settle which choice deserves the next five years of your life.

Start by noticing what each reaction urges you to do. One may argue for a choice while another objects. Both deserve a hearing. You still have to weigh the facts, the costs, and what matters to you.

Of course, you can turn self-examination into another way to put things off.

You can put off finishing the product by watching videos about why you put things off. It’s an easy mistake to make, because the videos may be useful. But if you keep waiting for one to make the fear go away, you could be waiting until next year.

Put what you find to use on something small enough to try this week. If you fear being judged, maybe just let one trusted person try the product before you release it more widely. If you’re unsure about a career, you might talk to someone who does that job about what their days are really like.

If you’re torn about a relationship, you might ask your partner about a concern you’ve been guessing at. You can get more to go on before making a major choice.

You can take a step like that while you’re still afraid. You’ll get something you can actually use: a response to the product, facts about the job, or a chance to see how you cope. Then you’ll be better positioned to decide what to do next.

First, pick one recent moment when you put something off or got stuck on a choice. Choose a small, everyday example you can think about without feeling overwhelmed.

Write down three things:

• What you were about to do or decide.
• What you noticed in your thoughts, feelings, or body at the moment of decision.
• What you ended up doing next.

Write down what happened, as plainly as you can. Maybe you felt your stomach tighten when you pictured someone using what you’d built. Maybe you ruled out a career path just after you pictured telling your family about it. Or your doubts about a relationship grew just after a talk about the future.

If you don’t know what you felt, write down what you do recall. You don’t have to produce a theory about your childhood. A note about the thought that came just before you opened YouTube or changed your mind is enough to start with.

Then see whether you can describe two reactions: what one urged you to do, and how the other disagreed or pulled you toward something else.

That gives you a specific moment to explore. You can begin asking what makes you hesitate or feel torn, rather than just telling yourself to try harder or trust yourself.

In the next piece, I’ll guide you through an audio practice for getting to know both reactions better. We’ll explore what each part of you is hoping for and what each fears, without trying to force either to give in.

For now, choose one situation you’d like to explore. You don’t need to have it figured out.

David