How To Take Control of your Emotional and Psychological Growth | (#137) The Masculine Psychology Podcast with David Tian

Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.

David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I’m David Tian, your host. In this episode, we’re going to uncover a way that could benefit absolutely anyone who’s serious about growing emotionally and psychologically.

Now, think about your school days or what society generally taught us back then. We learned math, science, history, all important subjects. But when it comes to navigating the complex world of relationships and dating, and understanding the dynamics of intimacy, or finding a deep sense of meaning and purpose in life, there’s a stark silence. Nobody teaches us the stuff, just like being given a car without the manual or without the driving lessons. [01:02.5]

Unless you take this matter seriously and into your own hands, you’re going to struggle to experience consistent and lasting happiness or even positive emotions consistently. So, in today’s episode, we’re going to be empowering you to take control of your emotional and psychological growth to steer your life in the direction you want it to go, not just where the winds of circumstance blow you.

Let’s bust some myths right off the bat. There’s this prevailing myth that we should just naturally know what to do to be happy, like it’s some kind of inbuilt instinct. But let’s get real. If it were that easy, wouldn’t everyone then be living their best life already? The truth is, understanding what brings us true happiness, fulfillment, and emotional wellbeing is actually a learned skill. It requires introspection, understanding, and often guidance. It’s not just something you magically know how to do. [02:00.5]

Then there’s the myth about love and relationships, that finding love is something outside our control, almost like waiting for a lucky lottery win. Let’s be honest, that’s not how it works. Building and maintaining loving, fulfilling relationships is a skill. It’s about understanding yourself, understanding others, and knowing how to create and nurture connections. It’s not just leaving it up to fate.

So, what is this way that anyone who’s serious about personal growth and happiness can benefit? This way integrates many evidence-based, scientifically-proven approaches, and combines them in a way that they become even more powerful together than if they had been done one after the other, so this way is truly greater than the sum of its parts.

What is this way? I call it therapeutic coaching. The beauty of therapeutic coaching lies in its eclectic nature. It’s like a master chef who knows exactly how to blend the best ingredients from different cuisines to create a dish that’s not just good, but spectacular. In the same way, therapeutic coaching combines the profound insights of psychotherapy with the action-oriented strategies of life coaching. [03:13.3]

From the realm of therapy, we borrow the deep understanding of the human psyche. This isn’t just about skimming the surface. We’re talking about diving deep into your emotional world, exploring the nooks and crannies of your mind, and bringing to light those insights that can transform your understanding of yourself. It’s about processing those emotions that have been tucked away, healing old wounds, and understanding the patterns that have shaped your life. This process is crucial because you can’t build a strong building on a shaky foundation. Emotional healing and understanding provide that solid base.

But therapeutic coaching doesn’t just stop there. We also bring in the dynamic principles of the best life coaching, and this is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. Life coaching brings in goal setting, motivation and practical strategies for life improvement. It’s about taking those insights and turning them into actionable steps. [04:10.8]

It’s one thing to understand why you act the way you do. It’s another thing entirely to change those patterns and create new, healthier ones. The integration of these two approaches ensures a comprehensive method of personal growth and development. We address both the emotional and the practical aspects of your life. The emotional insights from therapy show you where you are and how you get there. The strategies from life coaching point you to the direction you want to go and give you the tools to get there.

Of course, I’m simplifying psychotherapy and life coaching here in order to get the point across of the blend of therapeutic coaching that makes it greater than the sum of its parts. This integrated approach is key because life isn’t just about one thing. It’s not just about your emotions or just about your goals. It’s about how all these different aspects of your life interact and influence each other. [05:05.6]

For instance, let’s say you have a goal to improve your relationships. Understanding your emotional patterns and healing from past wounds will give you a better foundation for building healthier relationships. At the same time, setting clear goals and having actionable strategies will help you make consistent progress in how you relate to others.

In therapeutic coaching, we recognize that you are a complex, multifaceted being. You have dreams, goals, fears, and a unique history and background. By combining the best of therapy and life coaching, we can address all these aspects in a balanced, effective way. This isn’t just about fixing what’s wrong. It’s about building on what’s right and moving towards a life that’s not only successful, but also deeply fulfilling. [05:53.1]

Now, let’s first look at what many people consider to be the more practical aspect of it, though the further you dig, the more interrelated you see both sides being. But first, let’s look at the more obviously practical, and this will be more of the life-coaching cornerstones of goal setting and achievement, and it’s all about defining what you want to accomplish and then laying out a clear path to get there. Here’s where therapeutic coaching takes it to the next level. It’s not just about setting any goals. It’s about setting goals that are authentic to you that resonate with your deepest values and needs that will actually feel meaningful and fulfilling to you.

Often we get caught up in what society tells us we should want, a high-paying job, a fancy car, a picture-perfect relationship. But do these things really align with who you are and what you truly want at this point in your life? That’s where the psychotherapeutic aspect comes in. It helps you peel back the layers of societal expectations and superficial desires to uncover what you genuinely value. [06:55.2]

Here’s an example. I had a client, let’s call them Ethan. Ethan came to me with a goal of becoming a partner at his law firm. He was working around the clock, pushing himself to the limit. On paper, his goal seemed great. It was ambitious, specific, measurable. Classic life-coaching stuff, right? But, actually, Ethan was miserable.

Through our sessions, we discovered that his goal didn’t align with his deeper values of connection, creativity, and personal growth. He was chasing a dream that wasn’t really his. Eventually, we shifted gears. We used psychotherapeutic techniques to explore Ethan’s true values and desires. We uncovered his passion for writing and his deep need for meaningful relationships, and from there, we set new goals.

Ethan decided to transition into a less demanding role at his firm, in order to free up time for him to write and to cultivate deeper relationships with his loved ones. The result was that Ethan felt more fulfilled, more energized. His goals were no longer a source of stress, but a source of joy, and that’s the beauty of combining the best life coaching with the best therapy. It ensures that your goals aren’t just milestones you achieve. They’re expressions of your genuine self. [08:09.8]

Now, how can you apply this in your life? Start by taking a good look at your goals. Ask yourself, “Do these goals reflect what I truly value in need or are they more about what others expect of me? Are they based on deep-seated desires or superficial ones?” Use therapeutic insights to explore these questions. Dive deeper into your motivations, fears and values.

Then with these insights in hand, then set your goals. Make them specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time bound, but most importantly, make sure they resonate with your authentic self. Remember, goal setting is an ongoing process. As you grow and change, so will your goals naturally. Keep tuning into yourself, checking in, reassessing, realigning your goals with your true values. [08:58.3]

In therapeutic coaching, we understand that the most fulfilling goals are those that are aligned with who you truly are at your core. It’s not just about achieving success in the conventional sense. It’s about creating a life that feels deeply satisfying and authentically yours.

Now let’s go even deeper. Let’s go deep into something that touches the core of our very existence. We’re talking about dealing with life’s fundamental challenges, and I’m going to draw some inspiration here from Irvin Yalom’s Existential Psychotherapy.

Yalom is a giant in the field of psychotherapy and his work on existential psychotherapy throws light on the inevitability of facing life’s biggest questions. This comes up for everyone, if they have the courage to look at it, to face it, and these are concerning death, freedom, isolation, and the search for meaning. These aren’t just abstract concepts. They’re realities that every one of us has to grapple with at some point in our lives. [09:55.2]

Therapeutic coaching provides a powerful framework to not just face these existential realities, but to transform them into opportunities for profound growth. Okay, let’s break this down. Thinking about the concept of death. It’s something that many of us fear or avoid thinking about, but in Yalom’s view, and indeed, in the approach of therapeutic coaching, confronting the reality of our mortality can actually invigorate our lives. It can propel us to live more fully, to cherish each moment, and to prioritize what truly matters.

Then there’s the concept of freedom. It’s a double-edged sword. On one side, it’s the liberty to make our own choices, but on the other, it comes with the weight of responsibility. Through therapeutic coaching, we can learn to embrace this freedom, to make choices that align with our deepest values, and to take responsibility for the direction of our lives.

Isolation is another existential reality. We all experience feelings of loneliness or disconnection at times, but rather than letting these feelings overwhelm us, therapeutic coaching teaches us to find strength in our solitude, to connect deeply with ourselves, and to use this understanding to forge more meaningful connections with others. [11:12.3]

Finally, there’s the search for meaning. In a world that can often seem chaotic and indifferent, finding a personal sense of purpose can be challenging. Therapeutic coaching grounded in existential philosophy encourages us to create our own meaning, to find our unique path that gives our lives direction and fulfillment.

Now, let me give you an example to flesh this out. I worked with a client, let’s call him Sam. Sam struggled with the fear of death and the anxiety that his life didn’t have a clear purpose. Through therapeutic coaching, we worked on facing his fear of death head on. We discussed how this awareness could be a catalyst for living his life more fully, for focusing on what truly mattered to him. We also delved into his values and passions, to help him carve out a personal sense of purpose. [12:04.8]

This journey transformed Sam’s perspective. He started living with more intention, making choices that resonated with his core values, and finding joy in the present. This is the power of addressing life’s ultimate concerns through therapeutic coaching. It’s not about providing easy answers. It’s about guiding you to confront these realities to find your own answers, and in doing so, to grow and find greater meaning in your life.

As we continue on our journey, remember that these existential challenges aren’t hurdles to be avoided, but opportunities for profound growth. They push us to explore, to question, and ultimately to become more authentic versions of ourselves. Confronting our own death anxiety and existential issues, like meaning, existential isolation, responsibility, these are the greatest frontiers of personal growth. [12:57.0]

Another key area of personal growth is yourself, and the therapeutic coaching that I’m talking about is a great way to explore and deepen our understanding of ourselves. Carl Rogers is a pioneer of client-centered psychotherapy, and Rogers put a spotlight on the importance of understanding and accepting ourselves. He believed that for true personal growth, we need to start with a foundation of self-acceptance. It’s about looking in the mirror and truly seeing who you are, not just who you think you should be or who others want you to be. It’s about listening to your own voice and valuing your own experience.

No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It’s why they can’t give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It’s why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.

Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.

Learn more about this transformational program by going to DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery.

That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Then we can bring in which resources IFS model, Internal Family Systems therapy model, and this model takes our understanding of the self even further. It suggests that, within each of us, there’s a multiplicity of inner experiences, a family of parts, each with its own perspectives, emotions and memories. These parts can sometimes be in conflict, but they all have a valuable role to play in our psyche. [14:54.8]

Think about it this way. Inside of you, there might be a part that’s ambitious and driven, another part that’s caring and nurturing, and maybe a part that’s wounded and needs healing. Recognizing and understanding all of these parts is crucial, because often they are operating below the surface of our consciousness, driving our behaviors and emotions without us even realizing it.

Therapeutic coaching, by integrating all of these elements, offers a powerful way to explore and integrate these various aspects of your psyche. It’s about creating a dialogue between these parts, understanding their motivations, learning how they can work together harmoniously.

Here’s an example. Imagine someone who struggles with assertiveness. Through therapeutic coaching, they might discover that they have a part that fears rejection or conflict, which holds them back. At the same time, they might have another part that’s frustrated because it wants to express itself more boldly. Through understanding these parts and fostering a dialogue between them, this person can find a balance, a way to be assertive without overriding their need for safety and connection. [16:02.0]

This process is about cultivating self-awareness and self-compassion. It’s about realizing that all your parts have value, even the ones that you might think cause you trouble. They all serve a purpose and they all have positive intent. The goal is not to eliminate any part, but to understand and integrate them to lead them with compassion and confidence.

How does this apply to your life? You might want to start by simply noticing. Notice your emotions. Notice your reactions. Notice your thoughts. You can ask yourself, “Which part of me is showing up right now? What is it trying to tell me? What does it need?” This kind of self-inquiry can lead to profound insights and changes. Once you’ve become experienced with that, you can then apply the same questions to others that you’re dealing with or are interacting with. Which part of them are you speaking with? Which part of them is showing up now? [16:56.2]

Now let’s move into what all of this self-exploration requires—embracing vulnerability. It’s about confronting those uncomfortable truths head on, and in doing so, building greater emotional resilience. Let’s get this straight, vulnerability isn’t about weakness. It’s about having the courage to face your genuine self, your fears, your desires, and even your pain. It’s about opening yourself up to the full range of human experience, acknowledging your emotions, and processing them in a healthy way.

In therapeutic coaching, we see time and again how embracing vulnerability transforms people. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable. You’re taking the first step towards genuine healing and growth. You’re saying, “Yes, this is tough. Yes, this is scary. But I am going to face it,” and it’s in facing it that you become stronger and more adaptable.

Here’s an example. I once worked with a client, and let’s call him Jack. Jack was a high-flying executive, always in control, always composed, but deep down, he was struggling with feelings of inadequacy and a fear of failure. He had never admitted these feelings to anyone, not even to himself up to that point. His way of coping was to work harder to keep pushing himself. [18:16.8]

Through therapeutic coaching, we started to peel back the layers of Jack’s persona. We created a space where it was safe for him to be vulnerable, and in that space, he began to open up. He talked about his fears, his feelings of not being good enough. It was tough for him. These were things that he’d kept bottled up for years.

But here’s the beautiful part. As Jack embraced his vulnerability, as he confronted these uncomfortable truths, he started to heal. He realized that his worth wasn’t tied to his performance, that it was okay to not be perfect. This realization was a turning point for him. He began to approach his work and his life with a new perspective. He became more authentic, more at peace with himself, and surprisingly, even more effective as a leader. [19:06.5]

This is the power of embracing vulnerability. It’s not about putting all your emotions on display for the world to see. It’s about being honest with yourself, about allowing yourself to feel, to process, to grow. It’s about recognizing that in vulnerability, lies strength, the strength to face your challenges, to grow from them and to emerge more resilient and adaptable.

How can you start embracing vulnerability in your own life? I’d recommend you start small. Acknowledge your feelings, even the uncomfortable ones. Talk about them with someone you trust or write them down. The key is to begin the process of facing and processing these emotions.

Now I want to address probably the most common objection that I hear against therapeutic coaching, which is the sort of cultural stigma, especially under the weight of toxic masculinity, this stigma against seeking therapeutic help or even coaching. And let’s face it, in many cultures around the world, there is still a significant stigma attached to seeking help for emotional or psychological issues. [20:15.4]

This stigma is often magnified for men, tangled up with the harmful notions of you’ve got to be tough all the time, you can’t show any emotions, any kind of feelings, especially sadness or any kind of vulnerability. Of course, this comes from that toxic masculinity that equates emotional openness or seeking help with weakness. It’s a sad truth that in trying to live up to these unrealistic stereotypically stoic ideals of manhood, that many men end up suffering unnecessarily in silence, afraid to seek the help they need.

But here’s the deal. Acknowledging that you could benefit from help, that you’re ready to grow and develop emotionally and psychologically, isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength, incredible strength. It takes courage to break free from these cultural chains and to prioritize your wellbeing. [21:09.7]

This stigma, this misunderstanding around therapeutic coaching and emotional work, is precisely why you should consider it for yourself. Don’t fall into the trap of suffering in silence and trying to shoulder everything on your own under the guise of being strong or manly. Real strength lies in recognizing when you need support and having the courage to reach out for it.

Remember, therapeutic coaching isn’t about fixing something that’s broken. Let me say that again. Therapeutic coaching is not about fixing something that’s broken. It’s about growth, about evolving into the highest version of yourself. It’s about learning new ways to handle life’s challenges, understanding yourself better, and building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. It’s a process that can enrich your life in ways you might never have imagined. [22:02.2]

So, if you’re hesitating to seek help because of cultural stigma or notions that come from toxic masculinity, I urge you to reconsider, have the courage to reconsider. Think about what you stand to gain, a deeper understanding of yourself, stronger emotional resilience, improved relationships, and a more fulfilling, satisfying life.

Okay, having addressed that, let’s now turn to what really sets therapeutic coaching apart, and I kind of mentioned this earlier, but let’s focus on it now. Traditional psychotherapy is often seen as something you turn to in times of crisis or distress, and rightly so. It’s a vital resource when you’re dealing with psychological issues or going through tough times.

But here’s where therapeutic coaching offers something more. It’s not just for times of crisis. It’s designed for anyone and everyone interested in enhancing their life experience. It’s about growth, not just healing. This is super important because personal development shouldn’t be something we only think about when things go wrong. It should be a continuous process, a part of our everyday life. [23:08.0]

Therapeutic coaching embraces this idea. It’s accessible to all whether you’re struggling with a specific issue or just want to improve some aspect of your life. Think of it like going to the gym for your mind and emotions. Just as you don’t wait to get sick before you start exercising to keep your body healthy, you don’t need to wait for a crisis to work on your mental and emotional fitness. Therapeutic coaching offers tools, insights and strategies to strengthen your emotional resilience, to enhance your relationships, to deepen your understanding of yourself.

Let’s put it this way. Life’s a journey, and along the way, we all face challenges big and small. But imagine going through this journey with a toolkit that helps you navigate these challenges more effectively. It helps you grow from each experience and that keeps you moving towards a more fulfilling life. That’s what therapeutic coaching offers. It’s a proactive approach to mental and emotional wellbeing. It’s about taking charge of your life, setting goals for your personal development, goals that are truly meaningful and fulfilling for your genuine self. [24:14.1]

Alright, so let’s do a quick recap of what we covered in this episode.

We kicked off with a big promise of therapeutic coaching, a powerful tool for anyone looking to grow emotionally and psychologically. We then dove into the big why, the fact that society and schooling often leave us unprepared to navigate the complexities of relationships, emotions, our own psychology, or in finding purpose and meaning in life.

We busted some myths, particularly the notion that happiness and love should just naturally happen and we explored integrating diverse approaches for holistic development. We talked about the power of goal setting and achievements, and the deep insights that come from facing life’s challenges, as highlighted by Irvin Yalom.

We also delved into understanding the self, drawing from Carl Rogers and Richard Schwartz and IFS therapy, and the importance of embracing vulnerability. We acknowledged the cultural stigmas, especially around toxic masculinity, that often discouraged seeking therapeutic help. [25:12.8]

Now, let’s take this seriously and imagine going through life with the same unexamined patterns, unprocessed emotions, and unresolved issues. It’s like walking with a pebble in your shoe that at first just may be uncomfortable, but over time, it can lead to a serious limp, affecting every step you take. Ignoring your emotional fitness can lead to strained relationships, missed opportunities for personal growth, and a life lived at a fraction of your potential, and coming to the end of your life only realizing it’s too late and having all of these regrets for a life that was unfulfilling and a life half lived or even a small fraction only lived.

But what happens when you take your emotional fitness seriously and you invest early in therapeutic coaching? You’re no longer walking with that pebble in your shoe. You’re running. You’re soaring. You’ve got a toolkit for handling whatever life throws at you. Your relationships are deeper, more fulfilling. [26:09.5]

You understand yourself, your emotions, and you end up navigating life with much more confidence and clarity. You’re no longer held back by unexamined fears or unconscious patterns or unresolved issues. You’ve broken free from the chains of societal expectations and toxic norms. You’re living a life that’s authentic to you, vibrant and deeply satisfying. This isn’t just a dream. It’s a very achievable reality with therapeutic coaching. I know if this isn’t your reality, how much it seems like it’s just B.S. or empty promises, but I assure you this is very achievable.

As we close this episode, I want you to remember that your mental health and emotional fitness are worth investing in. You are worth investing in. You are the best or your best investment. Don’t wait for a crisis to start taking care of your emotional wellbeing. Start now and watch how your life transforms. [27:02.6]

Thank you so much for listening today. If you liked this in any way, hit a like, subscribe or follow on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. If this has benefited you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. Let me know what you thought of this episode. I’d love to get your comments and feedback, so leave a comment or send me a message.

I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out.

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