How To Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty | (#018) Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers, with David Tian, Ph.D.

Imagine this. You’re the person everyone counts on. At work, your team depends on you to pick up the slack. At home, your partner, your family, maybe even your friends, all seem to look your way when something needs fixing, solving or saving, and you do it because that’s who you are, reliable, caring and responsible. But here’s the problem: deep down, it’s exhausting. You’re carrying the weight of everyone else’s problems, their needs, their expectations. You’re giving and giving and giving until there’s almost nothing left for yourself. [00:00:51]

Now, here’s the truth that most people don’t want to hear. Every time you say yes to something that drains you, you’re silently saying no to something that matters more, to your health, your time, your peace of mind. Worse, every yes out of obligation chips away at your self-respect. I’ve seen it happen to high-performing leaders over and over again. They want to be the good boss, the good husband, the good son, but eventually they hit a wall. They burn out. They snap, or worse, they quietly spiral into resentment, shame or even self-loathing.

But here’s the good news. It doesn’t have to be this way. What if you could set boundaries without feeling guilty? What if you could calmly and confidently assert yourself, and do it in a way that doesn’t burn bridges but actually strengthens relationships? That’s what we’re getting into today, and this might be the most valuable skill you never mastered.

In case you don’t know who I am, I’m David Tian, and for almost the past two decades, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people from more than 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. [01:58.4]

All right, so let’s dive in. There are three main points we’re covering today. The first is this: shame plays a huge role in undermining your ability to assert yourself and set healthy boundaries. Now, in using this term “shame”, I’m not talking about feeling bad after doing something wrong or something that goes against your values. That’s healthy shame or guilt. That guilt helps you to stay accountable to your own moral principles or your own standards.

In this episode, when I use the term “shame”, what I’m referring to is toxic shame, the kind that whispers to you, “You’re not enough.” It’s subtle. It operates in the background, often, unconsciously sabotaging your confidence and leaving you feeling unworthy.

Where does this toxic shame come from? For a lot of us, it started really early, long before we had any say in it. In his great book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw explains it in this way. “Healthy shame says, ‘I made a mistake.’ Toxic shame says, ‘I am a mistake.’” See that difference? [03:05.8]

Toxic shame internalizes the idea that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you as a person. More often than not, this began in childhood. Maybe your parents withheld love unless you performed a certain way or achieved or accomplished or pleased a certain way, or maybe they criticized you for expressing your needs or emotions in a way that they didn’t want to have to deal with.

Over time, you learned to associate rejection with just being yourself, so you did the only thing that made sense. You hid the parts of you that felt unacceptable to them. You buried your authentic self under layers of compliance or perfectionism, or people pleasing, all to avoid feeling the sting of that toxic shame. [03:50.0]

The well-known psychotherapist, Terry Real, takes it a step further. He goes into how societal norms reinforce this dynamic. For example, boys are often taught to suppress vulnerability. “Don’t cry.” “Toughen up.” “Boys Don’t Cry.” They’re told that emotional expression is weak. Girls, on the other hand, are often conditioned to avoid assertiveness. They hear things like, “Don’t be bossy. Be nice.” They’re taught that standing up for themselves makes them less likable or less feminine, and these early lessons stick. They create a legacy of shame that follows you into adulthood, shaping how you show up in relationships in unconscious ways.

In his classic book, an excellent book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, Manual J. Smith connects these dots beautifully. He points out that when you feel shame or fear in setting boundaries, it’s not just about the situation in front of you. It’s the echo of all those early experiences where you learn that speaking up would lead to rejection or conflict, and that shame you feel isn’t evidence that you’re wrong. It’s evidence. That you’re carrying old patterns into the present. [05:02.5]

So, how does shame keep you from asserting yourself? Okay, it’s actually pretty simple. Shame convinces you that your needs don’t matter, or worse, that expressing your needs will cost you the connection, approval or love that you’re desperate to hold on to. Here’s what happens. You avoid saying no because you don’t want to rock the boat. You take on extra work because you don’t want to seem difficult. You agree to things you don’t really want because you’re afraid of disappointing someone else.

Every time you do this, you betray yourself. You reinforce the idea that their needs are more important than yours, that your voice, in fact, doesn’t matter, that you’re only valuable if you’re useful—and this creates a vicious cycle. The more you avoid asserting yourself, the more you feel resentful, drained and unseen, and the more you feel that way, the harder it becomes to stand up for yourself. [06:00.0]

But here’s the good news. You don’t have to stay in that cycle. To break free, you need to challenge the story shame is telling you. Shame says that asserting yourself is selfish or aggressive, but the truth is assertiveness is neither selfish nor aggressive. It’s not about overpowering anyone else. It’s about standing your ground in a calm, clear and respectful way.

When you set a boundary, you’re not saying, “I don’t care about you.” You’re saying, “I care about myself and I trust that you can handle this.” Understanding the roots of your shame helps you see this clearly. It lets you reframe those feelings of shame or fear as signals, not that you’re doing something wrong, but that you’re stepping outside of an old limiting belief. [06:51.7]

Here’s a practical step you can take today. The next time you feel guilty about setting a boundary, pause. Remind yourself that this shame is a relic of the past. It’s not proof that you’re selfish or wrong. It’s just the voice of an old script trying to keep you safe. Then calmly assert your boundary. Start small if you need to. Say no to something minor. Practice. It’s like building a muscle. The more you do it, the stronger and more natural it will feel.

The best part is when you assert your boundaries, you don’t just liberate yourself. You show others what’s possible. You invite them to respect your needs, while giving them the space to take responsibility for their own needs, and this is how you break that cycle. This is how you reclaim your worth, one boundary at a time.

Okay, second major point. Let’s talk about why assertiveness and healthy boundaries are essential, not just for you, but for the people in your life, too. There’s a common misconception that setting boundaries is selfish or inconsiderate. The reality is the opposite. Boundaries, when communicated clearly and compassionately, are actually an act of respect for the other. They respect your needs, your time and your energy, but just as importantly, they respect the other person’s autonomy. [08:14.0]

Okay, here’s what I mean. My friend, the mega bestselling author, Mark Manson, has a simple way of framing boundaries—taking full responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions, and not taking responsibility for any other adult’s thoughts, feelings or actions. I added in “the other adults’” there just to clarify this doesn’t apply as much to your dependents, like your children.

At first glance, it might sound harsh, even cold, but it’s actually one of the most loving things you can do for the other person. When you step back and let the other person take full responsibility for their own emotions, you’re trusting them to handle their own lives. It’s like stepping back and allowing my own toddler to struggle in tying his own shoelaces, instead of always jumping in and doing them for him, and if you watch two-year-olds, you’ll notice that they really want this autonomy. [09:06.5]

They get frustrated when adults continually step in to do it for them, when they know that they’re capable of doing it themselves or want to see and test whether they are capable of doing it themselves, and they want to show others, including adults, that they are capable that doing it themselves, that they are big boys or girls, even more so when it comes to adults. You’re giving them the space to grow, to problem-solve and to learn from their own experiences. If you’re constantly stepping in to manage their feelings or fix their problems, you’re not helping them. You’re enabling them, and enabling stunts growth.

The renowned psychiatrist Irvin Yalom explains this beautifully in his gigantic, magisterial tome, Existential Psychotherapy. Yalom argues that responsibility is a cornerstone of psychological growth. Without responsibility, people remain stuck. They avoid confronting their own issues by blaming others or leaning too heavily on external support, and they never develop the resilience or antifragility or agency that’s needed to thrive in life. [10:14.5]

You think about this in your own life. Have you ever had a colleague or a friend or a partner who constantly turn to you to solve their own problems? Maybe it felt good at first, like you were being helpful, like you were needed, but over time, it probably became exhausting, and worse, it didn’t actually help them. In the long run. When someone avoids responsibility for themselves, they stay dependent. They don’t learn how to handle conflict or navigate emotions or face the consequences of their actions, but when you hold a boundary, when you say, “I trust you to figure this out” you empower them to step into their own strength. [10:55.6]

Now, if they ask you, and out of the goodness of your own heart, you can help them, just as if you’re walking down the street and you see a homeless person that you’d like to contribute to in some way. By all means, you can do it, but it’s not your responsibility to do it and you may, out of the goodness of your heart, decide to step out and help them, but it is not your responsibility to do so. It’s when this helping behavior and helping mindset moves out of the optional doing it, out of the goodness of your heart, and into this obligation and responsibility. That’s when it becomes toxic. That’s when it becomes enabling.

The researchers Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life, a book that Mark Manson has drawn quite a bit from, in that book, they make a powerful point. Boundaries are a necessary act of love. Love isn’t about doing everything for someone else or shielding them from discomfort. Real love challenges people to grow. It says, “I care about you enough to let you handle this yourself. I believe in your ability to rise to the occasion.” [12:05.7]

The thing is, setting a boundary doesn’t mean you stop caring. You can still offer support, empathy and encouragement, but you do it without taking over or enabling. For example, if a friend is going through a tough time, you can say, “I’m here to listen if you need to talk,” without feeling obligated or responsible to fix their situation for them. This balance of offering support without overstepping is where assertiveness comes in.

So, true assertiveness is not aggression. Aggression is about forcing your will or your way onto someone else. It’s about attacking. Assertiveness, on the other hand, is about standing your ground in a way that’s calm, clear and respectful. When you assert a boundary, you’re not dismissing the other person’s feelings. You’re simply acknowledging that their emotions are their responsibility, not yours. [13:02.0]

Here’s an example. Imagine a colleague asks you to take on a project that you don’t have the bandwidth for. Instead of saying yes out of guilt or snapping at them in frustration, instead, you calmly explain, “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m not able to take this on right now.” Notice what happens here. You’re not apologizing for your limits. You’re not making excuses and you’re not leaving room for debate. You’re stating your boundary with confidence and respect. Now, the other person might not like your response, and that’s their right. It’s totally okay. Their reaction is their responsibility, not yours. Healthy boundaries means focusing on your truth, not trying to control how someone else feels about it.

Here’s another important piece. Boundaries aren’t just good for relationships. They’re also essential for your own wellbeing. Without healthy boundaries, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by other people’s expectations. You end up saying yes when you really want to say no, agreeing to things that drain your energy and prioritizing everyone else’s needs over your own. Over time, this creates a toxic loop. [14:13.2]

The more you neglect your own needs, the more resentful and depleted you feel, and the more depleted you feel, the harder it becomes to assert yourself, and then this is where toxic shame comes in. When you constantly put others first over yourself, you reinforce to yourself the belief that your needs don’t matter, that you don’t matter. But every time you set a boundary, you challenge that belief. You send yourself a powerful message: “My needs are valid. My time is valuable. I deserve respect.”

The best part is, as you practice asserting your boundaries, the shame starts to loosen its grip. You begin to reclaim your self-respect, one step at a time. [14:57.2]

Hey, if you’re an achiever who’s been struggling when it comes to managing your emotions or navigating your relationships, I get it. So many high-performers hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you’ve noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.

That’s where my “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It’s based on peer-reviewed, evidence-based therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Okay, how do you put this into practice? Let’s get specific now. In my “Rock Solid Relationships” course, which you can get access to through the Platinum Partnership, I devote an entire module, a four-hour module, to assertiveness and healthy boundaries, and I give you many techniques there that you can practice to effectively assert your boundaries. [16:14.3]

Let me give you one example from Manual J. Smith’s awesome book. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, and this is called the “broken record” method. The idea is simple, when someone pushes back against your boundary, you calmly and consistently repeat your statement without getting drawn into an argument.

For example, let’s say a friend keeps pressuring you to join a weekend trip that you’re not interested in. You could say, “Thanks for inviting me, but I’m going to pass this time.” If they push back, you repeat, “I hear you, but I’m not going to join this time.” No justifications needed, no over-explaining, just a calm, clear response, and you might have to do that over and over. [16:53.2]

Another strategy is to acknowledge the other person’s feelings without taking them on. If someone reacts emotionally to your boundary, which will definitely happen if you’ve lived long enough, then you might say, “I can see this is upsetting for you, and I respect that. I trust you’ll find a way to work through it.” This shows empathy, without crossing the line into taking responsibility for their feelings.

When you assert your boundaries, something amazing in your life happens. Not only do you reclaim your energy and self-respect, but you also model healthy behavior for the people around you. You teach them that it’s okay to say no, that it’s okay to prioritize their needs without guilt, and that taking responsibility for their emotions isn’t just necessary, but it’s empowering. In this way, boundaries aren’t just about protecting yourself. They’re about creating a ripple effect of growth, respect and authenticity in your relationships. [17:50.6]

All right, let’s move on to the third and final point, how to rebuild your self-worth and finally overcome the shame that’s been holding you back. When you move past shame, you’re not just setting boundaries. You’re stepping into a whole new way of being, a way where you stop questioning your own worth, where you stop living for other people’s approval, and you start owning your own life. Now, this isn’t easy and it definitely doesn’t happen overnight, but with the right mindset and tools, it’s absolutely possible.

Let’s start with self-compassion. Most people don’t realize just how hard they are on themselves. When shame shows up, it often takes the form of an inner critic, a voice that tells you, “You’re not good enough. You’re going to fail. People are going to reject you,” and the problem is, we tend to believe that voice without questioning it. The truth is, the inner critic isn’t the real you, it isn’t the true you. It’s just one part of you, and more importantly, it’s a part that’s trying to protect you, and this is where IFS therapy comes in real handy, Internal Family Systems therapy. [18:52.0]

IFS therapy teaches us to look at the different parts of ourselves, like the critic or the people pleaser or the perfectionist, and we see them not as enemies, but as protectors with positive intent. They show up because they’re trying to keep you safe from pain or rejection, or failure or hurt. The catch is these protector parts are stuck in old patterns that don’t serve you anymore. They’re using strategies that might have helped you survive as a kid back then, but they’re not helping you thrive now as an adult.

With IFS therapy, you learn to approach these parts of you with curiosity and compassion instead of judgment. Instead of pushing away the inner critic or drowning it out or just ignoring it, you face it and ask, “Why are you here? What are you trying to protect me from? What is your job and how are you doing it? How did you start this job?” When you go through this dialog with that part, something incredible happens. That part of you starts to soften. It realizes it doesn’t need to work so hard to keep you safe, because you, as your wiser adult True Self, are finally in the driver’s seat now. [20:03.0]

Let’s take an example. Say you’ve been avoiding a difficult conversation because a part of you fears rejection. Instead of berating yourself for being weak or cowardly, you acknowledge that fear. You might even say to yourself, “I understand why you’re scared. This reminds you of times in the past when you got hurt, but I’ve got this now.” By doing this, you start to quiet the shame. You build trust within yourself, and as you do, you find it easier to set boundaries, not from a place of defensiveness, but from a place of confidence and clarity.

Now, self-compassion isn’t just about softening shame. It’s also about challenging the beliefs that keep shame alive. Shame thrives on lies, lies like, “I’m not worthy unless I’m perfect,” or lies like, “If I assert myself, people won’t like me anymore.” But when you examine these beliefs, they start to crumble. For example, ask yourself, “Where did I learn this belief? Is it really true? And even if it were true in the past, is it true now?” [21:09.2]

Here’s a quick and easy, practical exercise. Write down one belief tied to shame that you’ve been carrying around. Then challenge it logically, rationally. Write down evidence that contradicts it. For example, if you believe “I’ll lose relationships if I set healthy boundaries,” remind yourself of times when setting a boundary actually strengthened a relationship, or think of all the times when you’ve lost a relationship while having unhealthy boundaries and never asserting your boundaries in a healthy way. The goal with this isn’t to force yourself to feel differently overnight. It’s to plant seeds of doubt in the shame lies making space for a new story to emerge.

As you start to overcome shame, something will shift in your relationships. When you set boundaries from a place of self-respect, other people will notice this, and the ones who truly care about you, who actually really care about you in the first place, they will rise to meet you. They’ll respect your honesty, even if it’s uncomfortable for them at first. [22:11.0]

Why? Because boundaries create authenticity. They show people the real you, not the version of you that’s bending over backwards to please them. Authenticity builds trust. When someone tells you no in a calm, respectful way, do you resent them or do you trust them more because they’re being honest with you? The same applies to you. When you assert yourself with confidence and compassion, you create space for deeper connection and mutual understanding.

There’s another side to this, too. When you start setting boundaries, not everyone will like it. Some people might resist. They might even push back harder, and that’s okay. That’s their right. The truth is, people who only value you when you’re overextending yourself or pleasing them, those people aren’t seeing the real you. They’re seeing a version of you that’s shaped by shame and obligation. When you set boundaries, you’re giving them the opportunity to step up or step out. Either way, you’re better off, because now you’ll have authentic relationships and authentic connections. [23:18.4]

Here’s what’s amazing about all of this shame work. It doesn’t just transform you. It transforms the people around you. When you stop taking responsibility for other people’s emotions, you free them to grow. You give them the chance to take ownership of their lives. For example, when you say, “I can’t take this on right now, but I trust you’ll figure it out,” you’re sending a powerful message: “I believe in you, and I’m going to let you do it.”

This ripple effect extends beyond your relationships. It changes how you show up in the world. You stop overthinking every decision. You stop second-guessing your worth, and instead, you start leading from a place of grounded confidence. Rebuilding self-worth and overcoming shame isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress. It’s about small, consistent steps to honor your needs, challenge your old beliefs, and build trust within yourself. [24:14.2]

Okay, so let’s recap. First, we explored how shame works beneath the surface, convincing you that your needs don’t matter in sabotaging your ability to assert yourself. We traced its roots back to early experiences of rejection or criticism, or conditional, transactional love, times when you learn to silence your authentic self in order to avoid pain.

Second, we looked at how assertiveness and boundaries aren’t just tools for self-respect. They’re gifts to the other people around you. By taking responsibility for your own emotions and then allowing others to do the same for themselves, you create space for growth, authenticity and trust in your relationships. 

Third, we talked about how to rebuild your self-worth and move beyond shame, using tools like self-compassion, boundary-setting practices and challenging the old beliefs that kept you stuck. [25:06.6]

Now let’s bring this to life with a real story. My client, I’ll call him James, came to me feeling completely burned out. He was a senior executive at a tech company, a husband and a father, and by all external measures, he was successful, but internally, he was drowning. He described his life as one endless loop of obligations, staying late at work to fix his team’s mistakes, saying yes to every family request, agreeing to social plans he didn’t even really want.

When I asked James why he felt the need to overextend himself, he admitted something really big for him. He was terrified of disappointing people. Somewhere along the way, he had learned that his worth was tied to keeping everyone else happy. [25:50.5]

We started by unpacking that fear. Using IFS therapy, James realized that a part of him, his inner critic, had been running the show. This critic told him, “If you say no, people will stop respecting you.” But as we explored this part, James discovered something really surprising to him. This voice wasn’t trying to harm him. It was trying to protect him from rejection, and with that understanding, James began to soften towards this part of himself. He didn’t push it away or fight it or need it to change. Instead, he reassured it, “I’ve got this now. I can say no without losing people’s respect or, more importantly, my own.”

From there, James started small. He declined a minor work request that wasn’t his responsibility. Then he told his in-laws that he couldn’t make every family event. Each boundary he set, built his confidence, and what was really amazing to him was that the people who truly cared about him didn’t disappear. They ended up respecting him even more and cherishing their time with him even more. [26:57.4]

By the end of our work together, James wasn’t just surviving. He was thriving. He was leading from a place of authenticity, showing up as a better boss, a better husband and a better father, because he was finally showing up for himself. The takeaway is, when you embrace your boundaries, you’re not just saying no. You’re saying yes to the life you were meant to live.

At the time of this recording, it is the first podcast episode recording of the new year of 2025, so happy New Year to all those who are listening to this fresh, and thank you so much for listening. If you have any feedback whatsoever, please leave it in the comments or send me an email. I read all of them. If this has helped you in any way, please share with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you like this, please hit a like or give it a good rating on whatever platform you’re listening to this on.

Thank you so much again. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [27:50.0]

David Tian, signing out. [23:39.6]