Why Success Kills Connection (& What To Do About It) | (#027) Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers, with David Tian, Ph.D.

“I’ll focus on relationships once I’m successful.”

“I’m just not a people person. I don’t need others to be happy.”

Most high-achievers have told themselves some version of these, and on the surface, it makes sense. Success takes time. Relationships are complicated. It’s easy to believe that deep connection is something you’ll handle later, once things slow down, once you hit that next goal, once you have more freedom, except later never comes, because the deeper truth is these aren’t just rational decisions. They’re defense mechanisms. They feel like logic, but they’re actually armor, strategies that your mind developed a long time ago to keep you safe. As long as that armor stays on, real connection stays out of reach. [01:01.7]

But here’s the good news—when you get this right, when you stop letting old wounds run the show, relationships become easier, effortless, even. You stop feeling like you have to manage people and you start actually enjoying them. You attract better friends, stronger partnerships, deeper intimacy, and suddenly, life doesn’t feel like such a grind anymore. You have people who’ve got your back, people who challenge you, who inspire you, and no matter what happens, win, lose, succeed, fail, you’re not carrying it all alone.

Now, what happens if you don’t fix this? It starts subtly, you get used to keeping things surface level. You have friends, but nobody really knows you. Your dating life stays stuck in a cycle of excitement followed by detachment. Your relationships start to feel more like transactions, useful, convenient, but not deeply fulfilling. [01:56.1]

Maybe you tell yourself, “That’s fine,” that this is just how life works, but over time, something inside shifts. The drive that used to fuel you starts to feel empty. The success that once excited you doesn’t hit the same. You hit your goals, and instead of feeling fulfilled, you feel nothing, and the worst part is you don’t know why.

That’s what we’re breaking down today, why so many high-achievers struggle with deep connection, how past wounds keep people stuck, and most importantly, how to fix it so connection stops being something you struggle with and starts being something you live.

I’m David Tian, and for almost the past two decades, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries find fulfillment, meaning and success in their personal and professional lives. In this episode, I’ve got four points, and here’s the first: most people assume their struggles with connection are just part of their personality. They say things like, “I’ve always been this way,” or “I’m just not wired for deep relationships.” But that’s not the full story, because beneath those patterns, beneath the avoidance, the hyper-independence, the discomfort with vulnerability, there’s something deeper. There are parts of you that are protecting you. [03:08.2]

Internal Family Systems therapy, one of the top evidence-based therapeutic approaches, explains this in a way that makes complete sense once you see it. Every time you’ve been hurt in relationships, whether that was as a kid, a teenager, or even as an adult, part of you stepped in to protect you from feeling that pain again. These parts form strategies. Some push people away, some make you emotionally numb. Some convince you that relationships aren’t that important in the first place.

The craziest part is that most of this happens outside your conscious awareness. Take the lone wolf identity as an example. A lot of people, especially high-achievers, fall into this trap. They convince themselves they prefer to go it alone, that they don’t need deep friendships or emotional intimacy or connection, that they’re totally self-sufficient and that that’s a strength. But that’s rarely the full picture, because if you dig deeper, if you go back far enough, you’ll find an early experience of betrayal, neglect or feeling unseen. [04:15.4]

Maybe as a kid, you learn that expressing emotions got you mocked, ignored or punished. Maybe you grew up in a family where love felt conditional, where you had to perform to be valued, or maybe you trusted someone, and that trust got broken. In those moments, a part of you made a decision—“Never again.”

Never again would you rely on anyone else. Never again would you put yourself in a position to be hurt, abandoned or disappointed—and that part of you that rose to the occasion did its job. It helped you build independence. It helped you become resilient. It helped you succeed. The proper response would be gratitude for the job that that part did well back then, but it also locked you into a pattern, because now, even when you want deep connection, that protective part keeps running the same strategy. [05:11.7]

It tells you to keep your guard up. It makes relationships feel exhausting, complicated or just not worth the effort. It convinces you that being alone is a preference, when, in reality, started as a protection. These parts, though, it’s important to understand, aren’t the enemy. They aren’t trying to sabotage you on purpose. They’re just stuck in old beliefs, reacting to situations that aren’t happening anymore. They had positive intentions, but what was adaptive back then is maladaptive now. These parts don’t realize that you’ve grown, that you’re stronger now, that the strategies that kept you safe back then are keeping you stuck now. [05:53.3]

So, if connection feels unnatural, if relationships always hit the same wall, or if you keep convincing yourself you don’t need them, this isn’t just personality. It’s protection. It’s a psychological defense mechanism. If you want to move forward, you don’t need more discipline, more effort or more willpower. You need to recognize that the parts of you that are still carrying these old wounds need your help and to start working with them instead of against them.

Now we move on to the second point. A lot of high-achievers believe that if they just become successful enough, then everything else will fall into place, that once they hit a certain income level, or once they build their reputation, or once they prove themselves, then and only then, will they be worthy of deep connection.

It makes sense why this belief is so common. For most of our lives, effort equals results—“Work harder, and you’re supposed to make more money.” “Push yourself, and you’ll get stronger.” “Learn the right skills, and you should move up in your career.” The formula was simple, effort in, results out. Naturally, a lot of achievers apply the same logic to relationships, to connection. [07:04.5]

They treat connection like another performance metric, something they can earn by becoming more valuable. They focus on accumulating more status or value or resources, believing that once they reach a high enough level, the right people will recognize their worth and want to be close to them.

But relationships don’t work like that, because authentic connection isn’t a reward. It’s not something you collect after proving your value to the world. It doesn’t follow the same input–output formula as a business or fitness, and if you approach it that way, you’ll always feel like you’re almost there, but never quite arriving, and then you’ll burn out. [07:46.3]

I’ve worked with plenty of people who have built everything money influenced freedom, only to realize they still felt isolated. They assumed their achievements would naturally lead to love or connection, or deep friendships, but instead, they found themselves surrounded by people who admired them but didn’t know them, people who respected their success but had no real, authentic emotional connection to them, because here’s what happens when you treat connection like something you have to earn. You get stuck in performance mode.

You feel like you have to be on all the time, like you always need to be impressive or interesting, or valuable or intelligent, in order to be worthy of love, and that pressure makes real intimacy impossible. You can’t relax. You can’t fully open up. You can’t let your guard down. You can’t be yourself. You’re too busy managing and maintaining an image to let anyone see the real you.

Even if people admire you, they’ll never truly connect with you, because connection requires something that’s the opposite of performance. It requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is messy. It’s not optimized. It’s not something you can control or perfect. It’s not about presenting the most attractive version of yourself. It’s about letting people in, even when you don’t feel like you’re at your best, and having the courage to do that. [09:15.3]

That’s why so many high-achievers struggle with deep relationships, because they’ve spent years building themselves into the kind of person who doesn’t need anyone, the kind of person who is supposed to be strong, independent and completely self-sufficient. When that identity gets reinforced by their success, they start believing that needing connection is somehow a weakness.

But connection isn’t a weakness. Connection is a universal human need. It’s not something you grow out of once you become successful. It’s something you have to intentionally grow into by unlearning the false belief that you have to earn it first. Every human being needs connection. They need to feel seen, understood and valued. [10:00.0]

But at the same time, many people are scared to actually be seen, because being seen means being vulnerable. It means showing the parts of yourself that you’re not totally proud of, including the doubts, the fears, the insecurities, maybe some of the things you don’t post about online.

For a lot of high-achievers, that feels like a threat, because external or material success, in a way, is a form of armor. You learn early on that being competent gets you respect, that being impressive gets you admiration, that being valuable makes people want you around. So, you build yourself into someone who always has their shit together, someone who is always in control, someone who doesn’t need anything from anyone else.

Here’s the problem. If your relationships are built on only the parts of yourself that look strong or successful or admirable, then you’re never fully known. You’re only conditionally accepted, and that means deep down, you never fully trust that those relationships are real, and this is what keeps people stuck. [11:05.6]

They want and need connection, but they won’t risk the truth. They show up instead as their polished persona, hoping that if they just impress people enough, then connection should happen automatically, but connection doesn’t happen when you’re trying to impress people. It happens when you reveal your True Self. [11:25.8]

Many high-achievers struggle when it comes to managing their emotions or navigating their relationships, and they hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you’ve noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.

That’s where David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It’s based on peer-reviewed, evidence-backed therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

This is where Conscious Commitment No. 8 out of the 15 Conscious Commitments, great book, comes in, and this is “I commit to revealing, not concealing.” Most people do the opposite, they conceal. They present themselves in a way that minimizes rejection and maximizes approval. They hide the parts of themselves they fear would push people away, and this is coming from a lack of courage. But that kind of connection is hollow. It’s like eating junk food. It might feel good in the moment temporarily, but it will leave you starving for something real, something substantial. [12:56.0]

I had a client, let’s call him Jason, a smart guy, built a life many people would envy, but in his relationships, he always felt like something was missing. Every time he got close to someone, whether in dating or friendship, he hit a wall. He could be charming, fun, even vulnerable in controlled ways, as in vulnerability techniques, but real intimacy never clicked.

When we got into it, he realized he was always managing how people saw him. He shared stories that made him look smart, what we used to call “demonstrations of higher value” stories, DHV stories, or he’d tell calculated vulnerability stories, which are about struggles that made him look strong and let him show vulnerability that felt just risky enough to be relatable to others. But he never let anyone see the authentic parts of him that he hadn’t already processed, the parts of him that he hadn’t fully accepted himself. [13:49.0]

In IFS therapy terms, these are the exiled parts, and that’s what blocked this deeper level of connection he craved, not because people didn’t like him, but because they didn’t really know him. The irony is, the thing most people fear revealing who they actually are is the thing that creates the connection they crave, because when you show up fully, without performing, without trying to impress or manipulate perception, then the people who are meant for you stay and the ones who are only there for the polished version of you fall away, which is great. This is perfect polarization.

This isn’t rejection. This is filtering, and if you’re serious about true connection. That’s one of the first steps. Stop hiding, start revealing, because as long as you’re concealing parts of yourself, you’ll always feel like something is missing in your connections with others, even in a room full of people who claim to love you. [14:50.4]

Now we’re on to the fourth point. A lot of high-achievers don’t just struggle with connection; they actively avoid it, not consciously, not in a way they even perhaps admit to themselves, but in subtle ways that keep them from ever getting too deep, because the truth is, success isn’t just a goal. For a lot of people, it’s an escape.

Staying busy means never having to sit with uncomfortable emotions. Grinding towards the next milestone means never having to stop and ask, “Is this actually making me happy?” and the more successful someone becomes, the easier it is to justify keeping those old patterns going. I had a client. We’ll call him Matt. He built an eight-figure business in his 30s, and by all external measures, he was killing it, but his personal life was a different story.

He hadn’t had a serious relationship in years, and his friendships all revolved around business, networking and superficial banter, and anytime we talked about real connection, he’d say something like, “Yeah, yeah, I get it, but I’m just too busy right now.” But the thing is, he wasn’t just busy. He was avoiding and being miserable while doing it, because every time he slowed down on vacation or late at night, or in those rare moments of stillness, something crept in, a feeling he couldn’t quite name, a restlessness, a nagging sense that something was missing. [16:15.2]

Instead of facing that, he did what high-achievers do best. He worked. He optimized. He threw himself into the next challenge, and that’s what makes this pattern so tricky. On the surface, it looks productive. Hustling harder gets rewarded. Staying focused looks like a virtue, but underneath it, it’s not about drive. It’s about distraction.

Matt’s work wasn’t just about building his business. It was about not dealing with the parts of himself that felt unfulfilled, the parts of himself that felt unworthy, the parts that carried past wounds that he’d never acknowledged, and the more he avoided it, the more disconnected he became. His friendships and relationships stayed hollow. His dating life was a cycle of short-lived excitement followed by emotional distance, and deep down, he actually knew it. That’s why he initially sought me out in the first place. He could feel the gap, but at first, instead of having the courage to confront it, he kept running. [17:14.8]

This is how the avoidance loop works. It’s not loud, it doesn’t announce itself as a fear. It disguises itself as ambition. It convinces people that connection can wait, that once they hit the next goal, once they finally feel secure enough, then they’ll make time for intimacy and connection. But success doesn’t fix disconnection. If anything, it makes avoidance easier, because the more someone builds their life around work, achievements or external validation, the less they practice intimacy, and the more they convince themselves they don’t need connection, and that’s the real cost, because connection isn’t just something you wake up and decide to prioritize one day. It’s a skill, and if you don’t develop it, you lose it. [18:03.8]

Okay, we’ve covered a lot, so let’s recap.

First, if you struggle with connection, it’s not because you’re broken. It’s because a part of you is protecting you. IFS therapy shows that these protective parts develop from past wounds, times you felt unseen, rejected or betrayed. If connection feels unnatural, it’s because a part of you learned to keep people at a distance.

Second, high-achievers often fall into the trap of thinking success will earn them love and connection. They treat relationships like a performance. If they just achieve enough, become impressive enough, then deep connection should just happen. But relationships don’t work like that. Connection isn’t something you earn. It’s something you allow. [18:50.5]

Third, many people use success as an escape, workaholism, hyper-independence, keeping things transactional. These aren’t just habits. They’re psychological defense mechanisms. Staying busy helps avoid emotional depth. Avoidance keeps people in a loop where they never fully engage, never fully open up, never fully let themselves be truly seen.

Fourth, the solution isn’t doing more. It’s having the courage to reveal more. Conscious Commitment No. 8: “I commit to revealing, not concealing.” This is a really good way of putting the shift that makes real connection possible. When you stop hiding, when you stop curating your image, when you let people in beyond what’s polished or admirable, that’s when connection starts to feel real.

Let me give you an example. I worked with a client. We’ll call him Daniel. He had everything he thought he needed to be happy, a thriving business, a network full of other successful people, women who were interested in him, but he still felt disconnected. Even when he was surrounded by people, something felt missing. [20:00.8]

At first, he thought the problem was them. He kept telling himself he just hadn’t found the right friends yet, or the right partner or the right environment. But when we dug deeper, he realized he wasn’t actually showing anyone who he really was. He was always managing how other people saw him. He filtered what he shared with them, controlled how he presented himself, stayed emotionally guarded, even in his closest relationships.

We experimented with a shift. He started leaning into revealing instead of concealing. He stopped trying to be impressive all the time. He started sharing the things he was still working through, the things he didn’t have answers for yet, and almost immediately, something in his interactions changed. His relationships deepened and the right people leaned in more. The wrong ones naturally faded out, and for the first time in years and decades, he didn’t feel like he was performing when he was out with other people. He felt more deeply connected—and that’s the real takeaway. Success alone doesn’t fulfill us, but relationships do, and if connection still feels out of reach, the next step isn’t achieving more. It’s having the courage to open up. [21:16.8]

In the next episode, I’m going deeper into how to do this effectively, so stay tuned for that. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. If this has helped you in any way, please share with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you liked it, hit a like or give it a high reading on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. If you have any comments or feedback whatsoever, I’d love to hear your feedback. Leave a comment or send me a message. I’d love to hear from you.I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [21:45.1]