The Hidden Reason Smart People Make Terrible Life Decisions | (#036) Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers, with David Tian, Ph.D.

Most people think that high-stakes decisions are just about being smart—gather all the facts, weigh the pros and cons, and then, boom, go with the best option—but if that actually worked, none of us would have any regrets. The truth is, some of the most intelligent people I’ve coached, CEOs, surgeons, founders of billion-dollar companies, have made decisions that wrecked their marriages, burned out their health or left them quietly hating their own lives.

What we’re diving into in this episode could be the difference between you finally making the decision that moves your life forward versus staying stuck in a cycle of overthinking, second-guessing or pretending everything is fine while quietly dying inside. [00:58.0]

I’m not exaggerating when I say that mastering this one skill, making the right decision when the stakes are high, can unlock a level of peace, power and purpose that most people never experience, because here’s the secret—high-stakes decisions aren’t just about logic. They’re about alignment, inner alignment, and most people are completely unaware of what’s really driving their decisions.

Now, if you don’t get this right, here’s what usually happens. You either freeze up and wait too long until the opportunity is gone or you rush into something just to escape the discomfort of uncertainty. Either way, you’re not actually choosing from clarity. You’re reacting from fear, and that will lead to regret, wasted years, missed windows, a gnawing feeling that you should be further along by now. [01:48.2]

So, let’s bust the biggest myth upfront. The myth is that the best decision is the one with the strongest argument behind it, the cleanest logic, the data, the spreadsheets. That’s actually bullshit. When the stakes are high, when it’s your marriage, your career, your future, you are never just dealing with facts. You’re dealing with the entire ecosystem of your inner world, your inner system. This includes your fears, your hopes, your inner wounds, your dreams. All of it is at play, and unless you know how to tune into that internal landscape, you’re flying blind. You’ll tell yourself a story that sounds convincing, sounds smart, but underneath it’s just a scared part of you trying to stay safe.

In this episode, I’m going to show you a different approach. It’s not from some productivity hack or some influencer’s morning routine. Instead, this is drawn from decades of research in psychology and from ancient wisdom that stood the test for centuries. We’re going to explore how to access the kind of clarity that doesn’t come from thinking harder, but from getting quiet enough to hear what really matters. [02:55.4]

I’m David Tian, and for almost the past two decades, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries find success, meaning and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives—and in this episode, we’ve got three main points, and let’s get right into the first one here, and this is on the illusion of rational clarity.

This is a trap that most high-achievers have fallen into, especially the ones who grew up getting rewarded for being smart. You’ve probably been trained to believe that if you just gather enough information, analyze it from every angle, and remove emotion from the process, then the right decision will just automatically present itself.

But that belief is dead weight when the stakes get higher, because what actually happens is that the bigger the decision, the more it impacts your future, your identity, your relationships, the more your internal system lights up like a Christmas tree, with the inner critic yelling, “What if you screw this up? What if this is the moment you finally get exposed as a fraud?” Meanwhile, the inner child is sitting in the corner begging, “Please, just make it safe. Just don’t let us get hurt again,” and then maybe a manager or protector part steps in, crossing its arms like a bouncer, going, “Screw you. Screw this. Just pick something safe and fast so we can move on.” [04:14.2]

Now, imagine trying to make a clear-headed decision in the middle of this inner chaos. It’s like trying to write a symphony while everyone in your orchestra is playing their own solo at full volume, and this is why smart people still make really dumb decisions. It’s not because they’re not thinking hard enough. It’s because they’re letting unacknowledged parts of themselves unconsciously drive the process while pretending to be rational. This dynamic is explored in Jonathan Haidt’s extensive work on the “elephant and the rider” metaphor, as well as the Nobel Prize–winning work of Daniel Kahneman on System 1 and System 2, as he calls it. [04:55.5]

I’ve seen this play out again and again, people convincing themselves to stay in a job they hate because the money is good, or rushing into a relationship because they’re tired of being alone, even though something feels really off, or making some big move just to prove to someone else, like an ex or a parent, that they’re finally enough, and then they wake up a while later wondering why it feels so hollow.

Now, as a solution, let me introduce to you the Chinese philosopher from 2,300 years ago, the Zhuangzi. In the text, the Zhuangzi, the philosopher loved to tell weird stories about fish and butterflies and butchers, and he had this radical idea, radical especially for high-achievers, which is that reason isn’t the supreme tool that we think it is.

Zhuangzi didn’t just say that reason has limits. He said reason, when used in the wrong way, can actually lead you further from truth, because reason always comes from a perspective, and perspectives, by their very nature, are always limited. When you base your decision on what makes the most sense from where you’re standing currently, you’re still operating inside a kind of bubble, a bubble that’s shaped by your history, your conditioning, your wounds. [06:12.8]

This is what philosophers have called anti-rationalism, not in the sense of being irrational or just stupid. It’s not about throwing out logic. It’s about recognizing that rationality is a limited tool and it’s not a master, that sometimes the deepest truths about who you are and what matters most can’t be captured by logical argumentation.

Zhuangzi tells the story about a man dreaming he was a butterfly, and when he woke up, he wasn’t sure if he was a man who had dreamed he was a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he was a man. Now, if you try to solve this paradox rationally, you’ll end up driving yourself in circles. That’s the whole point of it. It’s a circular argument, but if you sit with it, if you feel into the deeper meaning of that allegory, something else opens up. [07:02.8]

You start to realize that maybe the question isn’t, what’s the objectively correct decision here? Maybe the better question is, Which part of me is making this choice, and how much do I trust this part? because here’s the truth—high-stakes decisions don’t get clear before you integrate your inner conflicts. They get clear afterwards.

That clarity that you’re craving doesn’t come from a spreadsheet or a pros-and-cons list. If you’ve done either of these and you’re still stuck on the decision, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The clarity comes from internal alignment, from actually knowing who you are, not the mask or the persona, and not the résumé, but the deeper Self underneath all that—and this is where real wisdom starts, not with trying harder or powering through, but with tuning in, slowing down and creating enough space inside yourself to see and hear with that noise of ambition or fear or ego usually drowns out, the voice of your True Self. [08:12.2]

If you’re facing a major decision right now, it feels like you’re spinning or avoiding, or desperately trying to figure it out. Instead, take a deep breath and pause. Ask yourself, “Who in me is driving this? Is it a part that’s dominated by fear or pride, or shame? And can I slow down enough to let the deeper parts of me speak?” Because that voice, that deeper Self, isn’t necessarily loud. It doesn’t shout and it doesn’t push, but it knows, and when you start to make decisions from that true place, not only do they work out better in the long run, but they also bring peace and calm, not because they’re easy, but because they’re true. [09:04.0]

Many high-achievers struggle when it comes to managing their emotions or navigating their relationships, and they hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you’ve noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.

That’s where David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It’s based on peer-reviewed, evidence-backed therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Now let me move on to the second point, and, hopefully, all of this will become clearer. Once you’ve started to see through the illusion of pure rationality, the idea that you can simply outthink a high-stakes decision, then the next question becomes “Where do I go from here? If I can’t just think my way through it or analyze my way out of it, then how do I actually decide?” [10:16.5]

This is where we get into something that most people never even consider, which is inner harmony. Now, I might get that this might sound a little airy-fairy or floaty. It’s like something you might hear in a yoga class, but this is actually one of the most practical skills in psychology that you can develop, and if you’re a high-achiever, is probably the skill that you’ve been missing.

Okay, let me explain. Most of the time when people are stuck in a decision, it’s not because they don’t know enough. It’s because different parts of them want different things. They’re at war internally. Maybe one part wants to grow the business, scale it fast, raise the next round. Maybe another part wants to burn it all down, move to Bali and just chill the hell out on a beach somewhere, and maybe another part is terrified of letting people down. [11:05.8]

Maybe another part wants revenge on the ex, on the critics, on the version of yourself who screwed things up five years ago—and maybe the worst part is that they’re all loud and they all sound convincing, and they all think they know what’s best for you, and this is where Internal Family Systems therapy is really helpful, IFS therapy.

I’ve talked about IFS therapy before, but if you’re new to this, here’s the short version. You’re not one. We are not one unified personality. Within us, in our internal system, we’re more like a team or a company, or a family or an orchestra. We’ve got different parts in us, and they each have their own concerns and fears and agendas. The trick isn’t to silence them or to side with one against another, or to pick a favorite. The trick is to hear them all and then lead them. This is what we call Self-leadership, not ego, not willpower, Self with capital “S.” [12:03.5]

It’s the calm, clear, compassionate core of you that’s already whole, already wise, and when that core of you is in the driver’s seat, you stop making decisions from fear. You stop bouncing between extremes and you start choosing from clarity and confidence. That’s what I mean by inner harmony. It’s not some Zen perfect stillness. It’s not some blissed out yoga enlightenment. It’s being able to hear your entire internal team and still know which direction to go, and the beautiful thing is that ancient Chinese philosophy was already pointing at the same truth thousands of years ago. Confucius called it the Zhongyong, the Doctrine of the Mean. [12:50.2]

Now, this doesn’t mean average. It means balanced, centered, in alignment. He described the Junsi, the wise person, the exemplary person, as someone who acts from the center, not swinging wildly between ambition and avoidance, between extremes, not reactive, but also not numb, someone who is grounded, present and deliberate, and the only way to get to that place is inner harmony, inner alignment.

You can’t force yourself into it. You can’t bully your way there. You have to pause, take the time to listen, to understand. You have to integrate these different parts of you, and this is one of the hardest things for high-performers because you’ve probably gotten this far by ignoring your feelings and just forcing things through. You’re used to taking action fast, making things happen, executing, performing, but when you’re at a big turning point in your life, when the decision you’re making will affect your health, your family, your legacy, then pushing through won’t cut it anymore. [14:01.0]

If you simply charge ahead while your inner world is still deeply divided, then you are going to pay for it later in extreme backlash. You’ll get the deal, but lose the marriage. You’ll hit the target, but still feel empty and exhausted. You’ll convince everyone else, but then feel like a fraud when you’re alone. This isn’t just about self-awareness. It’s about self-alignment. That’s why good coaching can feel like such a relief, because, finally, someone’s guiding you to bring your internal system together, to move from internal chaos to internal coherence.

Once that happens, the decision, the wise decision, becomes obvious, not easy, maybe, but obvious. It becomes clear. You know which part of you is afraid. You know which part of you is trying to force things and push through, and you can lead them both with compassion, without letting any of them hijack the wheel, and this is how great leaders lead themselves. They don’t just react. They don’t just chase certainty and safety. They listen and understand inwardly. They align their inner council, so to speak, and then they move. [15:17.8]

So, before you decide what to do with your business or your relationship, or your next big move, take a deep breath and pause. Take a moment and check in with the parts of you that haven’t been heard from in a really long time. You might be surprised what wisdom has been waiting in there all along.

Now let’s move to the third and final point, and this one’s about pressure. When the chaos hits, like when the deal is falling through or the marriage is unraveling, or your team is looking to you and you don’t know what the heck to do, most people try to control the chaos. They clamp down. They double down. They speed up. They force things. [15:58.0]

The logic is internally, “If I just move faster or decide quicker or outwork this thing, then I’ll get back on track.” But what’s really happening is that your nervous system is fried. Your parts are yelling over each other, and deep down, there’s a fear that if you stop moving forward, then even for a second, then you’ll fall apart, so you force the decision. You try to power through, and maybe it works for a little while, but eventually the crash comes, the regret comes, the resentment builds, the relationships start fraying at the edges, and you don’t even remember why you’re doing any of it anymore.

That’s what happens when we make decisions in chaos, from chaos, as chaos, overwhelmed by the chaos, and it’s not your fault. Most of us were never taught how to sit still in the eye of the storm or in the face of the storm. We were taught to fight or to fix it, or to figure it out. But in the Lao Tzu, The old Chinese sage referred to as Lao Tzu, who basically wrote to the Daoist canon 2,500 years ago, has a different question: do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? [17:12.7]

That line stopped me the first time I read it, because it’s not asking you to retreat from life. It’s asking whether you can stop flailing long enough for clarity to emerge. The most powerful decisions don’t come from panic or pressure. They come from stillness and calm, and stillness doesn’t mean doing nothing. Stillness means dropping into yourself deeply enough that your parts can settle, that your nervous system can regulate, that your values can speak up again, because here’s what happens when we’re dysregulated—when the nervous system is on high alert, everything feels urgent, even when it’s not. Suddenly, that email feels like life or death. That text feels like it has to be answered right now. That conversation with your co-founder becomes a fight instead of a collaboration. [18:05.84]

Urgency is one of the biggest lies that chaos tells you, and the only way to pierce through it is to pause, to ground yourself, to breathe deeply, to check in with the parts of you that are triggered, activated, and ask, “What’s really going on here and what’s really true here?”

Here’s something simple but powerful, a quick protocol you can use anytime you feel yourself spinning. First, stop what you’re doing. Physically pause. Sit or stand still. Next, take three deep breaths, long exhales. Slow it down. Then close your eyes for just 30 seconds and ask, “Which parts in me are afraid right now? Which parts in me need attention right now?” Is it the part that’s afraid of failure? Is it the part that feels unlovable unless it performs? Is it an angry part trying to protect you from toxic shame? And just acknowledge them. No fixing, no judging, just notice. [19:14.5]

That alone, just that, starts to bring your system back online, and when that happens, you get access to something deeper than strategy. You get access to wisdom, because now your internal noise is dropped low enough, the quiet voice of your deeper self can come through. That’s the core in you that knows, that doesn’t need to rush, that can hold uncertainty without losing itself. This is what Lao Tzu was pointing at. He wasn’t saying, don’t act. He was saying, act from harmony, from alignment, not from panic. [19:54.4]

The Daoist Master doesn’t control chaos. He moves with it like water. Flexible, strong, calm, relentless. Water doesn’t force a path. It waits. It feels its way through. It flows where there is space. The same thing with your biggest decisions. You don’t have to know everything in advance. You don’t have to solve it all at once. You just have to create space so the next step can reveal itself.

The truth that no one tells high-achievers is that sometimes the wisest thing you can do is wait. Not stall, not hide, not procrastinate, but wait with intention and with attention—wait with presence. Let the mud settle. Let the water clear, because once it does, you will know. Not with your head, not with your ego, but with your gut, with your heart, with a core of you that’s been quietly tracking the truth this whole time. [21:01.2]

That’s like the Dao of decision making. It’s not about control. It’s not about dominance. It’s about presence, and when you can access this calm stillness, especially in the midst of chaos, then you become the kind of person who leads from death, from groundedness, from true power, and that’s what your business needs. That’s what your relationships crave. That’s what you need if you’re going to make the kind of decision that actually honors who you are and who you’re becoming. So, take a deep breath. Let the urgency go, and get quiet and still and calm enough to hear the truth that’s been waiting for you underneath all that noise. [21:51.0]

All right, I’ll wrap up with a few final thoughts on how to go deeper into this work, especially if you’re navigating a big life decision right now. Okay, so first, let’s recap.

The first point was on the illusion of rational clarity, that moment when you think you’re making a smart, well-reasoned decision, but it’s actually being driven by fear or old wounds or some part of you that’s been trying to protect you since childhood. Clarity doesn’t come from more thinking like that. It comes after integration.

In the second point, we went into what that actually means. We talked about internal alignment or harmony, that when your inner parts are at war, like ambition pulling one way, fear pulling another, then you can’t trust the clarity that you think you have, but when those parts are heard, understood and accepted and led by yourself, that True Self, that calm, grounded center, then you start making choices that feel right all the way through.

Third, we explored how the most powerful decisions emerge from calm stillness, not from rushing, not from trying to force clarity, but from slowing down, regulating your nervous system and letting the mud settle so the water can clear. [23:04.3]

One of my clients, let’s call him Sean, he came to me a while back during a brutal transition. His business had just gotten acquired and everyone around him was celebrating, but he was secretly spiraling out. He didn’t know what he wanted to do next. He had five offers on the table. He couldn’t tell if he wanted to jump into a new company or take a sabbatical, or just disappear for a while, and every time we talked, he got really anxious, more and more anxious, spinning out trying to make the right move so he wouldn’t fall behind, but none of the options felt right.

So, we didn’t start with strategy. Instead, we started with understanding the parts of him, the part that was terrified of wasting his potential, the art who felt like a fraud unless he was winning, the part that just wanted to rest and take a break but didn’t think that he had earned it. When those parts were finally heard and understood and accepted, he started experiencing a major breakthrough. [23:59.8]

Then we dropped him into a deeper space, a guided meditation to access this deeper, higher, wiser core of him that already knew the answer. That’s when he finally saw it. The next step was obvious, not because we convinced him, but because he stopped running long enough to hear himself, his True Self. I’ve included a recording of this powerful guided meditation in my free new masterclass, “High-Stakes Decisions.”

If you’re at a crossroads, if something big is weighing on you and you’re ready to go deeper, then join me there. You’ll learn how to access that same higher, wise Self in you, and I’ll guide you through the exact meditation that Sean used to make the best decisions of his life. You’ll get access to these free masterclasses after you go through the free assessment. The link to the free assessment is in the show notes. Click that link and join me in the free masterclass, and I’ll see you there. [25:01.6]Thank you so much for listening. If this has benefited you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you liked it, hit a like or give it a good rating on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. If you have any feedback whatsoever, leave a comment. I’d love to get your feedback. Send me an email. I’d love to hear it. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [25:21.8]