How A Bad Marriage Leads To An Early Death | (#005)  Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers, with David Tian, Ph.D.

Welcome to “Beyond Success,” the podcast for high-achievers seeking deeper meaning, fulfillment and purpose. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned leadership coach and therapist, David Tian.

Welcome to Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers. I’m your host, David Tian, and for almost 20 years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in their professional and personal lives.

In this episode, we’re diving into something that might surprise you. What if I told you the number one predictor of a long, happy life has almost nothing to do with diet, exercise or making more money? That’s right, all those hours in the gym, the strict meal plans, the endless hustle, it’s not that they’re pointless, but they’re not the top factor when it comes to living longer and feeling fulfilled. [00:53.8]

It turns out, most people focus on the wrong things. We’re conditioned to believe that physical fitness or financial success will give us the key to a happy, long life, but the research doesn’t back that up. In fact, the real secret to longevity is the quality of your intimate relationships. The science is clear, good relationships keep us healthier and happier, not just in our old age, but throughout life.

Unfortunately, most people pour all their energy into things like hitting their fitness goals or boosting their income, while the most important part of life—their connections with other people—falls to the wayside, and then they wonder why despite all their hard work, they still feel empty, stressed or just off.

If you’ve ever wondered why you don’t feel the way you expect it to after reaching a big milestone, whether it’s that promotion or hitting that weight target, or buying the house, stick around for this episode. You might be missing the one most important thing that really counts for the long game. [01:54.7]

In this episode, I’ve got four big points to cover today. Let’s dive right into the first one—the impact of a bad marriage.

Okay, let’s focus on the longevity issue. First, a bad marriage, or even just a relationship filled with constant conflict, isn’t just uncomfortable or frustrating. It’s actually dangerous. I’m not exaggerating when I say a toxic relationship can literally shave many years off your life, and here’s why: chronic stress from ongoing conflict messes with your body on a deep level. We’re talking inflammation, increased risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, all the things that you would normally think would shorten your lifespan. Your body’s in fight or flight mode, constantly bracing for the next argument or emotional blow-up, and over time, that stress takes a serious toll.

Studies have shown that people stuck in toxic marriages often experience shorter lifespans. Their immune systems weaken, making them more susceptible to illness, and even if you’re killing it at the gym or trying to eat a perfect diet, none of that matters if your intimate relationship is tearing you apart from the inside. [03:01.5]

It’s not just physical health either. Let’s now move to the issue of happiness. When you’re in a bad marriage, your emotional wellbeing tanks. We as human beings are wired for connection, but when that connection in your closest relationship is a negative, when there’s emotional neglect, constant criticism or outright hostility, then your mental health will take a nosedive.

Research, including the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest running study in history, which I’ve referenced in previous episodes, shows that people in conflict-ridden relationships have higher rates of depression and anxiety. If you think about it, it’s no mystery why—when your home life is filled with stress, it’s almost impossible to feel a deep sense of peace or satisfaction or contentment. [03:48.0]

You might have fleeting moments of joy here and there, but it won’t stick and it’s unpredictable. You might find yourself feeling anxious before even walking through the door after work, bracing yourself for the next fight or emotional cold shoulder, and that kind of environment wears you down emotionally until you start questioning everything, your self-worth, your confidence, even your ability to experience happiness, and that’s when life satisfaction completely plummets.

Now, moving into the area of professional success, most people don’t realize just how much their home life affects their work life. A bad marriage doesn’t just stay within the four walls of your house. It follows you to work. When you’re emotionally drained from fights or neglect at home, it’s tough to stay motivated at work. Your focus slips. You’re distracted thinking about last night’s argument or the tension that’s been brewing all week, and that loss of focus kills your productivity. You might be sitting at your desk staring at your computer, but your mind is miles away, replaying a conversation or stressing about how to fix things. [04:57.0]

The emotional strain can also eat away at your motivation. Why push for that promotion or big project when your personal life feels like it’s falling apart? You start second-guessing your decisions at work because you’re already overwhelmed at home, and that mental fatigue adds up, and before you know it, you’re hitting a wall in your career progression.

What’s worse is that professional success relies heavily on confidence, decision-making and emotional energy. When a bad marriage erodes your emotional stability, those key elements of success go with it. It’s like trying to sprint uphill with a boulder on your back. You’re working harder and harder, but you’re getting nowhere fast.

Here’s the hard truth, no matter how much time you pour into your work, no matter how much money you make, if you’re going home to a toxic environment, you’ll never truly thrive. That’s the first point. A bad marriage doesn’t just make you unhappy, it’s a ticking time bomb for your health, your happiness and your career. If you’re not careful, it’ll take down all three. [06:05.2]

The irony is that most people don’t see it coming. They spend years thinking if they just work harder or get in better shape, or hit those financial goals, then everything else will magically fall into place. But the reality is that if you don’t get your relationship right, none of those other things will matter. They won’t fix what’s really broken.

So, longevity, happiness, success, it all starts at home. Your closest relationships have the biggest impact on all of those areas. A bad marriage can drag you down in ways that you don’t even realize until it’s too late, especially for men. Let’s get into the research here, because it’s pretty wild. Studies have shown that men in strained marriages or relationships suffer from higher rates of illness, mental health issues, and even higher mortality rates, by far. That means more sickness, more stress, and shorter lives. [07:01.1]

It’s not just like a fluke or coincidence. These findings hold up even when you control for all the usual suspects, like health and fitness, smoking, drinking, wealth, even the size of your retirement fund. Let’s break that down even further for a second. You could be hitting the gym every day, crushing your fitness goals, eating clean, cutting back on alcohol and stacking up that retirement account, but if your relationship is constantly stressed or strained, none of that is going to save you. Your body can’t make up for the emotional toll of a bad marriage. No matter how fit or wealthy you are, your body knows when it’s under attack, and chronic relationship stress feels like a constant low-grade battle, and that’s exactly what it is, a slow drain on your life. [07:47.5]

Dr. Robert Waldinger, who has been running the Harvard Study of Adult Development, again, the longest running study in human history, shared something that might blow your mind. For men, the quality of your intimate relationship can account for up to 12 years of extra life—12. That’s more than any other factor studied, whether it’s smoking, drinking, diet, exercise, even your blood pressure or cholesterol levels.

A good relationship doesn’t just make you happy, it keeps you alive longer, so while a lot of guys focus on hitting the next fitness milestone or growing their wealth, it’s really the quality of your intimate relationships that has the final say on how long and how well you live.

Let’s get to the second major point here, and that’s to dig even deeper into the broader benefits of a strong marriage. As the research has shown, if a bad relationship can wreck your health, a good one can do the opposite. It can extend your life, and for men, for up to 12 years. People in strong, supportive marriages generally live longer. The science is clear about that. Stable, loving relationships act as buffers against stress, to help you, foster healthier habits, offer emotional security and protect you against the wear and tear of everyday life. [09:04.5]

When you have someone in your corner, it’s easier to cope with challenges. You don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders alone. When you’re stressed out, your body reacts. Stress hormones flood your system. Your heart rate goes up. Your blood pressure rises and your immune system weakens. But in a healthy relationship, that stress is less likely to stick around. A supportive partner can help you process it, talk through it, and just be there to let you know you’re not alone, and that emotional buffer helps your body reset faster so you’re not living in a constant state of stress. Over time, that adds up to a longer life.

It’s not just about living longer. Let’s get into happiness now. The Harvard study made it pretty clear, people with close supportive relationships are significantly happier throughout their lives, and we’re not talking about just any relationships. Waldinger’s research points out that it’s the quality of those relationships that matters most. You could have a hundred friends, but if none of them are close or truly supportive, then it doesn’t have the same effect. A strong marriage, though, can be a major source of emotional wellbeing. [10:16.2]

Studies show that people in loving marriages experience higher levels of life satisfaction and lower rates of depression and anxiety. It just makes intuitive sense, right? When you’re with someone who has your back, it’s easier to navigate the ups and downs of life. You’re less likely to feel isolated or overwhelmed, and when challenges do pop up, having that emotional support keeps you grounded.

On the flip side, loneliness can feel like a slow poison. Even if you’re surrounded by people at work or in your social circle, if you go home to an empty or emotionally-distant relationship, it’s a whole different kind of loneliness. It’s not just about having a partner. It’s about having someone who is really there for you. That’s what makes all the difference in your overall happiness and mental health. [11:03.2]

Now let’s shift gears to professional success. A strong marriage doesn’t just benefit your personal life. It shows up in your career, too. Here’s an example of how. When you’ve got emotional and psychological stability at home, you have more mental space for other things, like your work. It’s not just that you’re happier. It’s that you’re less distracted.

You’re not spending your day replaying arguments or dreading going home. Instead, your mind is clear. Your energy is focused and you’re able to put your full attention into what you’re doing at work, and you’re better able to take full advantage of your time outside work for deep recovery and rest so that you have the energy to hit it hard when the workday starts again.

That kind of energy and focus leads to better performance. It’s easier to solve problems, take risks and make decisions when you’re not weighed down by emotional baggage. You’ve got more confidence, because when things are solid at home, it gives you a foundation. You know that no matter what happens at work, you have a support system to fall back on, and that psychological safety net allows you to take bigger risks and go after bigger goals. [12:11.4]

People in strong marriages tend to excel professionally because they have that steady, supportive foundation. They’re less likely to burn out and they’re more likely to find the balance between personal and professional life that’s key to long term success, and when your partner believes in you, it’s a huge boost to your confidence and motivation. It’s like having a personal cheerleader who pushes you to be your best, but also knows when to remind you to rest and recharge.

What’s more, studies have shown that people in strong marriages tend to develop healthier habits overall. You are more likely to eat well, exercise regularly and take care of yourself when you’ve got someone who cares about your wellbeing at home, and all of that physical and emotional health adds up to better performance at work. It’s a virtuous cycle that feeds itself into the best way possible. [13:02.4]

If you’re aiming for success, whether that’s in your career or your personal life, it starts at home. A strong marriage gives you the stability, the emotional security and the mental clarity to perform at your best in every area of life. It’s not just about being happy or avoiding stress. It’s about setting yourself up for long-term success in both your personal and professional life.

That’s the power of a strong intimate relationship. It’s a force multiplier. It takes everything you’re already working on and amplifies it. It helps you live longer, feel happier and achieve more. That’s not something you can get from an increased paycheck or a gym membership, or any of the other things that most people often prioritize. It’s about having someone who has got your back, no matter what. A strong, intimate relationship might be the most powerful asset you can have when it comes to achieving true, lasting success. [13:57.8]

Hey, if you’re an achiever who’s been struggling when it comes to managing your emotions or navigating your relationships, I get it. So many high-performers hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you’ve noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.

That’s where my “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It’s based on peer-reviewed, evidence-based therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Now let’s get into the third point. What happens if you stay single in old age? First off, being single doesn’t automatically doom you to worse health outcomes. It’s not like being in a relationship is some magic cure all and as if staying single is some ticket to illness—but, and this is important, there’s a catch, and this is loneliness. [15:12.6]

When you’re single and getting older, loneliness and isolation become bigger risks, and that’s where the trouble really starts. Studies, including the Harvard Study of Adult Development, have consistently shown that people with strong intimate connections, whether it’s through a marriage, a long-term partnership or even a close-knit group of friends, tend to have better health and live longer than those who are socially isolated.

A strong marriage or relationship is ideal for longevity, but if you’re single and have a solid support network, you can still do pretty well. You’re more likely to stay active, take care of your health and have people around you who can help out if things go sideways. That social safety net matters. It’s not just about having someone to talk to. It’s about having people who genuinely care about you and your wellbeing. [16:00.8]

But here’s where it gets really tricky. If you’re single and isolated, that’s when the real health risks come in. People who don’t have close social ties are at a much higher risk of developing health issues as they age. Things like heart disease, cognitive decline and even immune system weakness become more common in those who are lonely. It’s the body’s way of reacting to the stress of isolation and the long-term effects can be really serious. So, while being single doesn’t automatically mean worse health, loneliness will, and unfortunately, loneliness is something many singles face as they grow older, especially if they haven’t built a strong support network.

Single people who have strong friendships and social relationships also often report higher levels of happiness than those stuck in bad marriages. This is a really crucial point. If your choices are between a toxic relationship and being single, the better option is clear: stay single. Bad marriages or bad relationships come with constant conflict, emotional neglect and stress that make happiness almost impossible to sustain. [17:11.7]

On the other hand, singles who invest in close relationships can experience high levels of happiness and fulfillment. It’s all about the quality of your relationships. Having a few deep, meaningful friendships can provide the emotional connection that you need to feel happy and satisfied with life. But here’s the flip side again: prolonged loneliness in old age is strongly linked to depression and lower life satisfaction, and this goes back to what we were talking about earlier—loneliness isn’t just emotionally painful. It’s also dangerous to your health, physical and mental.

The happiest single people in old age are those who have nurtured strong social bonds, whether that’s through friendships, family or community, and when you’re old and single, those friendships become your lifeline. They give you a sense of belonging, shared experiences and support, but without them, isolation sets in, and that’s where the risk of unhappiness really skyrockets. [18:09.6]

In the area of professional success, being single doesn’t mean you can’t crush it professionally. In fact, many single people, especially those who have fulfilling social lives, achieve high levels of professional success and personal fulfillment. Without the emotional demands of a relationship, some singles find they can pour more energy into their careers, take on new challenges and maintain a laser focus on their goals.

However, there is a downside, as you might expect. Singles without close personal relationships might experience more burnout and stress, especially as they lack that emotional buffer that a spouse or partner can provide. When you’re going through a rough patch at work or facing high levels of stress, it’s invaluable to have someone at home who is there for you, who can listen, support and encourage you. [18:56.5]

For singles, that emotional support can come from somewhere else, often from friends or family, but if those connections aren’t strong, then the stress will pile up, leading to burnout. It’s not that singles can’t be successful. They absolutely can, but the emotional and psychological stability that comes from a strong partnership can be the difference that makes the difference.

So, single people are generally better off in terms of longevity, happiness and professional success than those stuck in toxic, bad relationships. That’s a fact. If you’re weighing your options, staying single with strong social connections is miles ahead of being stuck in a toxic relationship—but, and this is a big one, the best case scenario, especially for men, is to be in a strong, supportive, long-term relationship. A strong, intimate relationship boosts your health, happiness and success in ways that being single, even with a great social circle, just can’t fully match. [19:53.0]

Now, for the fourth and final point, I’m going to reference findings from, again, one of the most famous studies ever done on human happiness and the longest running study in history, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, led by Dr. Robert Waldinger. I’ve referenced this study already in the first couple episodes of this podcast, but I’m not going to assume you’ve heard those yet, and if you have, let’s explore the relevance of the study to our topic in this episode.

This study is a goldmine of information about what really matters in life, and if there’s one big takeaway, it’s this: the quality of your relationships predict your health, happiness and fulfillment more than anything else, more than wealth, fame or professional success. Eighty-plus years of data here, generations of people studied from all walks of life, and the conclusion was that relationships, particularly the quality of those relationships, are the strongest predictor of a good life—it doesn’t get clearer than that—and poor relationships, especially bad marriages, are toxic to your health. [20:52.8]

It’s not just a metaphor, it’s literal. The data backs this up in a huge way. People in strained marriages or long-term relationships experience higher rates of illness, both physical and mental. It’s like your body knows something is wrong and it reacts accordingly. Stress levels spike, and over time, chronic stress leads to a host of health problems, heart disease, high blood pressure, even compromised immune systems. The longer you’re stuck in a toxic relationship, the more your health pays the price.

Those findings hold up even after controlling for all the other factors, like fitness levels, wealth, and lifestyle. You could be running marathons, raking in the big bucks and eating kale salads every day, but if your relationship is a constant source of stress. It’s going to take a huge toll on your health over time and you simply can’t outrun it.

Now let’s talk again about loneliness, and this is the other big point that came out of the Harvard study. Whether it’s a toxic marriage or relationship, or being totally isolated, loneliness is the killer, literally. The study found that people who lacked close relationships were more likely to suffer from depression and physical deterioration as they aged. [22:03.8]

That just makes intuitive sense, right? We’re social creatures. Connection is hardwired into our DNA. Without it, we struggle. We fall apart. But it’s not just about avoiding loneliness. It’s about having quality relationships, and that’s the keyword here, quality. You could be surrounded by people, friends, family, coworkers, but if those relationships lack depth, if they’re not truly supportive, then you’re still at risk for the negative effects of isolation.

Waldinger’s Research shows that it’s the close, meaningful connections that protect us from depression and the physical wear and tear of life. Conflict, emotional neglect, these are just as bad for you as smoking or drinking, in fact, worse in the long run. Think about that for a second—being stuck in a toxic relationship where there’s constant conflict or where your emotional needs are run roughshod over can be more harmful than smoking a pack of cigarettes every day. [23:00.8]

In fact, the Harvard study even found that the stress of bad relationships increased mortality rates the most. To reiterate, the worse your relationship, the shorter your life could be, and if there’s a lack of emotional support on top of that, then, of course, the damage will be even worse.

Now, it’s not all bad news. People with strong, supportive relationships live longer, healthier and happier lives. It’s the flip side of the coin. The same way a bad marriage can drag you down, a good one can lift you way up. It buffers you from stress, helps you recover from setbacks, and gives you the emotional fuel that you need to tackle life’s challenges.

In fact, again, the Harvard study goes as far as to show that men in close, high-quality relationships can live up to 12 years longer than those who are isolated or in bad relationships, and that’s a massive difference, 12 years. Think about all the time and energy people pour into their fitness routines, diet plans or chasing more money while ignoring the biggest factor that’s been proven to give you more time on this earth, the quality of your relationships. [24:06.4]

What does all this mean in real terms for you now? It means that if you’re in a relationship, the stakes are really high. It’s not just about feeling unhappy in the moment. It’s about your long-term health and success, and it means that investing in the quality of your relationships is one of the smartest things that you can do for yourself, whether it’s your marriage, your friendships, or even your relationship with your family. It’s the depth and quality that count.

The Harvard research underscores this idea over and over again: strong, supportive relationships help you avoid the worst health outcomes. They keep loneliness at bay. They protect your mental health and they create the kind of environment where you can thrive, both personally and professionally.

When you know someone has your back, when you feel genuinely cared for, connected with, it frees up your mental and emotional energy for everything else, work, hobbies, passions and goals, and the impact is huge. Your relationships affect your longevity, your happiness and even your career. It’s not just about avoiding the bad stuff. It’s about building a life that’s rich in connection, meaning and support. [25:12.4]

The Harvard study of adult development, the longest running study in human history, shows that the quality of your relationship is “the” most important predictor of a long, healthy and fulfilling life. A bad marriage can harm you in ways you might not even realize, higher illness rates, mental health struggles and even early death.

But the flip side is just as true. A strong marriage, or strong relationships in general, will enhance your life in every possible way. So, if you’re going to focus on something, focus on the quality of your relationships first. It’s more important than your bank account, your job title, how many miles you can run a week, or your V̇O₂ max.

Alright, let’s recap the four major points we’ve covered today.

First, we broke down the impact of a bad marriage. It’s not just a source of unhappiness. It takes a serious toll on your health, happiness and even your career. The stress from a toxic relationship can shorten your life and drain you emotionally. [26:05.8]

Second, we looked at the benefits of a strong marriage or relationship. When your intimate relationship is healthy and supportive, it acts as a buffer against stress. It helps you live longer, feel happier and perform better professionally. A good relationship is like a foundation that makes everything else in life easier to handle.

Third, we explored what it’s like to remain single in old age. While it’s better than being in a bad, toxic marriage, loneliness can still creep in if you don’t build strong social connections. Singles who maintain close friendships can still thrive, but social isolation is a major risk for both health and happiness.

Finally, we dove deeper into the research from the Harvard study of adult development. The findings highlight that quality relationships are the strongest predictor of a long, happy and fulfilling life. Poor relationships can be as bad or worse for you than smoking or drinking, while strong connections, whether through friendships or marriage or family, protect you in ways that no amount of money or success can. [27:06.4]

In the next episode, I’m going to dive into the how, how to create and build strong relationships that stand the test of time and make all the difference in your health, longevity, happiness and success, so stay tuned and come back for that episode. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think would benefit from it. If you like this, then give it a five-star review on whatever platform you’re listening to this on.

Thank you so much for listening. I can’t wait to welcome you to the next episode. Until then, David Tien, signing out. [27:36.0]