The Brutal Truth about Why You’re Always In Toxic Relationships (& How to Break Free) | (#007) Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers, with David Tian, Ph.D.

Welcome to “Beyond Success,” the podcast for high-achievers seeking deeper meaning, fulfillment and purpose. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned leadership coach and therapist, David Tian.

Welcome to Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers. I’m David Tian, and for almost two decades, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives—and if you keep finding yourself stuck in toxic relationships, I’ve got some hard news to break to you, and here it is: you’re the common denominator in all of those relationships.

I know that might sting a bit. It’s uncomfortable, but that discomfort is the first step towards freedom, because here’s the truth: if you don’t take this one necessary step, you’re going to keep repeating the same toxic patterns over and over again. It won’t matter how amazing the next person you meet is or how much you change your circumstances. The same dynamic will follow you into every relationship that matters to you until you stop it at the source. [01:06.8]

What’s the step? It’s taking radical responsibility for your role in the toxic patterns. Now, before you push back—“But it’s not all my fault. They did this and they did that”—I get it, maybe they were manipulative. Maybe they were unethical. Maybe they were emotionally unavailable or abusive, and sure, that’s a real part of the equation, but as long as you stay focused on what they did only you’ll stay stuck.

The one thing you have complete control over is your part. Even if your part is just 10 percent or five percent or one percent of the outcome, it’s your reactions, your choices, your boundaries, or lack of them, that you can have complete control over. When you don’t take responsibility for your role, however small, you give away your power. You stay locked in a cycle of blaming others, waiting for them to change. And guess what? They probably won’t, or even if they do, it won’t fix you. [02:07.5]

But when you take ownership of your side of the dynamic, you open up the possibility of real growth, real change. You stop being a victim of circumstance and start becoming the author of your own story. Look, I know this can feel heavy. Responsibility can feel like a burden, but in reality, it’s the key to your freedom, because when you take responsibility, you take back control. You stop letting toxic people dictate your happiness. You stop recreating the same old patterns, and you finally give yourself the power to create relationships that are healthy, fulfilling and real.

If you keep finding yourself in toxic relationships, whether it’s romantic, friendships, even at work, this is your most essential step. It’s the step that will stop the cycle, because if you don’t, if you keep blaming others, you’ll find yourself right back where you started, maybe with a new person, but with the same old story. [03:03.1]

Okay, so I’ve got four major points here, and let’s dive into the first one: projection and blame. Then we’ll get into the next sub-point, the drama triangle. Okay, so most people, when they’re in the thick of a relationship, end up blaming the other person for whatever’s going wrong. It’s almost instinctual. We think, If they would just do this or if they just didn’t act that way, then everything would be fine—and this is where projection comes into play.

Projection is a defense mechanism. It’s when we take our own internal issues, the stuff we’re not comfortable dealing with inside, and then we project them and pin them onto someone else. Your mind says, “I don’t like this part of me,” but instead of facing it, you put it on your partner, and suddenly, it’s their problem, not yours. [03:48.0]

For example, let’s say you’re feeling insecure about something. Maybe it’s how they’re acting with other people, or maybe it’s something else entirely, like your job. Rather than dealing with your own insecurity, you project it onto them. Suddenly, they’re the ones being too flirty or too unavailable, or too whatever. The reality is that feeling of insecurity was already there inside you and then it just found a convenient target in your partner as you’re projecting.

The best psychotherapists have been pointing this out for decades—blaming your partner becomes a way to avoid looking at the parts of yourself that you don’t want to deal with. It keeps you from facing uncomfortable truths, truths that, deep down, you know you need to confront. But when you keep projecting, you also keep recreating the same toxic dynamic over and over again, unconsciously, unwittingly, unintentionally. The relationship becomes a loop of conflict, and then no one takes responsibility, and the result is stalemate. You’re stuck. No growth happens. You’re just spinning your wheels, waiting for the other person to fix something that only you can fix for yourself. [04:55.5]

Here’s another aspect to this. We’re going to toss in a third variable and this is the drama triangle. It’s a toxic dynamic that plays out in most unhealthy relationships, and most people don’t even realize that they’ve become part of it. The drama triangle has three roles: victim, perpetrator and rescuer.

This drama triangle is recreated in almost every toxic relationship eventually, so let’s break it down. The victim is the person who feels powerless. They think everything happens to them and that they have no control over what’s going on. They’re the ones who say, “Why does this always happen to me?” or “Why can’t they just change?” They blame others for their problems because taking responsibility is way too uncomfortable.

Then there’s the perpetrator. They’re the person who’s actively punishing the other. They feel justified in doing so, because in their minds, the other person is the source of all the problems. They say things like, “If only you hadn’t done this,” or “You’re the reason everything’s falling apart.” [05:54.3]

Then, finally, the rescuer. The rescuer steps in and tries to fix everything. They feel like it’s their job to save the relationship or to save the other person. But here’s the catch, the rescuer also reinforces the victim’s mindset. By swooping in to solve the problem, they take away the victim’s power and reinforce the idea that the victim can’t solve it on their own. 

Now, you might be thinking, Okay, but which am I? The truth is, most of us in a toxic relationship end up rotating through all three roles at different points in the relationship. Sometimes we’re the victim, sometimes the perpetrator, sometimes the rescuer, and the real problem with the drama triangle is that it keeps everyone in the relationship stuck. No one’s taking real responsibility for their actions, their feelings, their growth. Everyone’s too busy blaming or trying to fix someone else. [06:46.4]

The key to breaking free from this toxic cycle is awareness. It starts from awareness. Once you start seeing these dynamics for what they are, you can stop playing the game. You can step off the drama triangle out of it and start taking responsibility for yourself, for your own feelings, your own triggers, your own actions, because here’s the truth: as long as you’re stuck in one of those roles, victim, perpetrator or rescuer, you’ll never be able to create the kind of healthy, fulfilling relationships you want. You’ll keep recreating the same toxic patterns over and over again. It won’t matter how many relationships you go through or how great your next partner seems in the beginning. Without breaking this cycle, you’re destined to repeat it.

In this episode, I want you to really think about this. Where have you been projecting your own issues onto your partner, and which role do you tend to play in the drama triangle? Are you the victim, blaming your partner for everything that’s wrong? Are you the perpetrator, dishing out punishment, or are you the rescuer, trying to fix it all and rescue the victim? Once you figure this out, you can begin to make real changes. It’s time to step out of the drama triangle, take full responsibility for yourself and stop the cycle of toxic relationships. [08:03.0]

Okay, let’s move on to the second point, which builds off the first, that your relationship will never get better until you take full responsibility for your part in it. When relationships go bad, most of us want to point the finger at the other person. It’s way easier to say, “They did this,” or “They made me feel that way,” but here’s the hard truth, and it’s a truth that’ll set you free once you get it—again, your relationship will never get better until you take full responsibility for your part in it.

The world-renowned psychotherapist Irvin Yalom has stressed this over and over in his work. He talks about how true healing, real transformation, only happens when the individual takes complete responsibility for their own emotions and actions. You can’t heal a relationship by blaming the other person for everything that’s wrong. [08:51.1]

Now, taking responsibility doesn’t mean you’re taking all the blame. That’s not what this is about. It’s about recognizing that you have control over how you react, how you respond, how you show up, and how you contribute to the dynamic, and there’s power in recognizing that.

Look, relationships are messy, conflict is inevitable, but the couples who last, who actually grow stronger through the challenges, are the ones who take full responsibility for their own part in the mess. They don’t just blame their partner for all the issues. They ask themselves, “What am I bringing into the situation? How am I contributing to this conflict?”

Taking responsibility means stepping back and reflecting. You stop focusing on what your partner did wrong and you start asking yourself the harder questions: “How did I handle that argument? What was I feeling when I lashed out? What am I avoiding in myself that I’m now projecting onto them?”

This isn’t some one-time thing that you just check off your list. This is an ongoing process. You have to stay curious about your own role in the relationship, especially when things get difficult. When your instinct is to blame, that’s when you need to stop and look inward. [10:04.8]

Most people run away from this. They cling to blame because it’s easier. It’s easier to say, “If only they would change, then everything would be fine.” But here’s the problem with that mindset: as long as you’re waiting for someone else to change, you’re giving away your power. You’re staying stuck in the same loop.

The only way out is to take back control by owning your part in it and not just being a passive victim. When you do this, everything shifts. Suddenly, you’re not a passive bystander in your own relationship. You’re an active participant in creating something better. You’re not waiting for your partner to fix things. You’re starting to take steps to change what you can which starts with yourself and this is where real transformation can happen.

When you take full responsibility for your own emotions, you’ll start to notice patterns. You see how your own unresolved issues, your fears, your insecurities, how they keep showing up in relationships. When you become aware of these patterns, you can finally start to break them. [11:03.8]

So, if you’re stuck in a relationship where the same problems keep coming up over and over again, it’s time to look in the mirror. Ask yourself, “Where am I not taking responsibility? Where am I defaulting to blame?” because until you do this, the same toxic patterns will keep playing out in your life. No matter how many different relationships you jump into, the dynamic will stay the same.

Taking full responsibility is the foundation of any healthy relationship. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about owning your part in the process, no matter how small, and when you do that, when you take control of what’s within your own power, that’s when things in your relationship and in yourself can really start to shift.

So, stop blaming. Start owning. Take responsibility for your role in the dynamic, and when you do, you’ll not only transform your relationship, you’ll transform yourself in the process. [11:58.4]

Hey, if you’re an achiever who’s been struggling when it comes to managing your emotions or navigating your relationships, I get it. So many high-performers hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you’ve noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.

That’s where my “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It’s based on peer-reviewed, evidence-based therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Okay, let’s move on to the third point. Let’s talk about how your past is still showing up in your relationships today, specifically those unresolved childhood patterns that keep dragging you into the same unhealthy dynamics over and over again. [13:06.5]

You might think you’ve moved on from whatever happened in your early years, but until you deal with those deep-seated wounds, they’ll keep running the show unconsciously in the background, sabotaging you. Psychological theories, including attachment theory, which is a very well-validated theory, shows us how powerful early experiences are in shaping the way we relate to others.

If you didn’t get what you needed as a kid, whether it was love, security or validation, then those unmet needs, they don’t just disappear. They go underground. They start off being suppressed and eventually become unconsciously repressed, and then they come back in full force when you’re an adult, and you can’t even control it because it’s coming back unconsciously and it especially comes up in your closest relationships. [13:54.7]

Take attachment wounds, for example. If you grew up in an environment where you didn’t feel emotionally safe or supported, then that wound will stay with you. It creates patterns. Maybe you’re constantly anxious in relationships, always worried the other person will leave, or maybe you shut down completely avoiding intimacy, because deep down, you don’t trust anyone to really be there for you.

Then, as an adult, these old wounds get triggered by your partner’s behavior, but instead of recognizing what’s really going on, you end up reacting. You blame. You project outwards. You think they’re the problem, when, in reality, you’re being driven by unresolved pain from your past that you’re transferring into the present.

This is where people can really get stuck for a long time. Instead of dealing with their own emotional baggage, they focus on what their partner is doing wrong. They project their own unresolved issues onto the other person, creating conflict that has nothing to do with the present moment or the other person, or only has superficial resemblance that triggers this unconscious transference. [14:58.0]

Blaming others is often a way. To avoid facing deeper emotional pain. It’s a defense mechanism. It keeps you from having to look inward and confront the parts of yourself that are still hurting or maybe that you’re ashamed of. But until you do that inner work, those patterns will keep repeating. You’ll find yourself in the same types of relationships with the same problems over and over again.

So, what’s the solution? It starts with self-awareness. You have to get curious about your own triggers. When you feel that rush of anger, jealousy or fear in your relationship, pause for a moment. Don’t just blame the other person for triggering you. Instead of just going with the trigger, ask yourself, “Where is this really coming from? What old wound could be being triggered right now?”

When you start to see how much of your own emotional reaction is actually tied to the past, it creates space for something different. Instead of blaming your partner, you can begin to own your part in the dynamic. You can start to heal those old wounds rather than letting them control you. [16:01.6]

Confronting your past is never easy, but it’s necessary if you want to break the cycle of unhealthy relationships, and once you become aware of these patterns, once you stop projecting your unresolved pain onto others, your relationships will transform. You’ll stop expecting your partner to fix your emotional wounds. You’ll stop blaming them for things that are really about your own fears and your own insecurities.

This process won’t happen overnight, of course. It’ll take time, effort and often professional help, but it’s worth it, because when you heal those early wounds, when you stop letting your past control your present, you open the door to real intimacy and real connection. You stop sabotaging your relationships, and you finally get to experience the kind of love and partnership that’s free from the baggage of your childhood.

So, if you find yourself stuck in the same unhealthy dynamics, ask yourself, “What am I avoiding in my past? What childhood wounds am I still carrying and acting out?” because once you face those, you can finally start creating the healthy, fulfilling relationships you really want. [17:08.8]

Okay, the fourth and final point is this: avoiding responsibility stifles your personal growth, and it does so in a way that keeps you trapped emotionally, mentally and relationally. Let me tell you a story about one of my clients. We’ll call him Mark.

Mark came to me after years of relationship struggles. On the surface, he had it all, a successful career, a great social life and plenty of options when it came to dating, but no matter who he was with, things would eventually fall apart. His relationships would start off great, filled with excitement and connection, the honeymoon stage, but then, like clockwork, they would turn sour. His partners would leave him or he’d end things before they got too complicated.

Mark’s pattern was clear. He always blamed the other person when things went wrong. He’d say stuff like, “She wasn’t supportive enough” or “She was too needy,” or “She didn’t understand me.” Each breakup was met with the same justification. It was always the other person’s fault. [18:05.1]

When Mark and I started working together, he quickly pointed out how unlucky he was with relationships. He believed that he just hadn’t found the right person yet. But luck had nothing to do with it actually. Mark was stuck in a victim mentality, and that’s what was holding him back. Every time he blamed his partner, he avoided taking responsibility for his own role in the dynamic, and as long as he kept doing that, he stayed stuck. His personal development stalled and his relationship stayed toxic.

Irvin Yalom is famous for his existential approach to therapy and personal growth, and he emphasizes this: when you avoid responsibility, you avoid true freedom, the freedom to grow, the freedom to evolve, the freedom to create healthier, more fulfilling patterns in your life. But Mark was avoiding that freedom. He was clinging to blame, because it was easier than looking inward for him. [18:55.8]

So, I challenged mark. I asked him to stop focusing on what his partners did wrong and instead ask himself, “What did I contribute to the breakdown of these relationships?” At first, he totally resisted. The idea that he had a part to play in the toxicity of his own relationships was a tough pill to swallow, but until he faced that, nothing was going to change, so we started by unpacking his own role in the conflicts.

He began to see how his fear of intimacy led him to push people away unconsciously. He realized how his emotional unavailability made his partners feel insecure, and most importantly, he saw how blaming others kept him from dealing with his own unresolved issues, and the turning point for Mark came when he finally accepted full responsibility for his own role. He stopped pointing fingers and started looking inward. That was a huge turning point. Then he didn’t just become a better partner, as a result. He became more self-aware, more emotionally grounded and more capable of real intimacy. [19:56.5]

Once he took full responsibility for his own role in the dynamic, his future relationships transformed. He stopped dating from a place of fear and insecurity, and he no longer felt the need to blame his partner when things got tough. Instead, he stepped up, owned his part in the conflict and would work through it, and now he’s happily engaged—and this is what can happen when you take full responsibility. You open the door to real growth, both personally and relationally. You stop living as a victim of circumstance and start becoming an active participant in your own life. You stop waiting for the perfect partner to magically fix everything, and you start doing the work yourself.

Avoiding responsibility might feel comfortable in the short term, but it keeps you trapped. It stifles your growth. It limits your potential. Blame is easy, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Growth happens when you accept your own role in the situation and commit to doing the inner work.

For Mark, this shift was life-changing. His relationship is now healthier, more authentic, more fulfilling, but it didn’t happen by accident. It happened because he took full responsibility for himself, for his own actions, emotions and choices. [21:08.0]

So, ask yourself, where are you avoiding taking full responsibility in your own life? Where are you blaming others instead of looking inward? Because here’s the reality: until you take full responsibility for yourself, you’ll keep repeating the same toxic patterns. You’ll stay stuck in the same toxic dynamics. But when you own your part in the relationship, you unlock the potential for growth, not just in your relationships, but in every area of your life.

Okay, let’s recap what we’ve covered so far.

We’ve talked about the dynamics of projection and blame, how so many of us push our own unresolved issues onto our partners, creating conflict and avoiding the real work. We dived into the drama triangle, how getting stuck in the roles of victim, perpetrator or rescuer keeps us locked in toxic cycles. [21:55.2]

We’ve explored how unresolved childhood patterns and issues play a huge role in repeating these same unhealthy dynamics over and over again—and here’s the big one, if you’re avoiding responsibility, you’re sabotaging your own growth. Blame might feel easier in the moment, but it’s really a trap. It keeps you stuck. You’re not just hurting your relationships. You’re stalling your own personal development.

Now, what happens if you ignore all of this? If you keep blaming everyone else for your relationship problems, you’ll find yourself repeating the same toxic patterns, year after year, partner after partner. It won’t matter who you date next. These unresolved issues will follow you like a shadow. Eventually, you’ll wake up one day and wonder why you’re still stuck in the same emotional place you were 10, maybe even 20 years ago. No growth, no deeper connection, just the same old patterns with different faces.

But what if you take everything we’ve covered in this episode seriously? What if you stop blaming, take full responsibility for your own role in the relationship, and commit to doing the inner work? Everything can change. You break the cycle. You stop projecting your own insecurities onto your partner and you start owning your own emotions. You create space for real intimacy, real connection and real growth. [23:07.5]

You’ll start building relationships that don’t just survive, but thrive and beyond that, you’ll grow as a person. You’ll stop being a passive bystander in your life and start actively shaping the kind of relationships and experiences you really want, the kind of life you’ve always really wanted.

So, the choice is yours. Stay stuck in the blame game and keep repeating the same patterns, or take full responsibility, step up and grow. Your future and your happiness depend on what you decide to do next.

Thank you so much for listening. If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you liked it, give it a five-star review on whatever platform you’re listening to this on, and I’d love to hear your feedback. Leave a comment, send me a message. I’d love to get your feedback.I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [23:54.6]