How to Recover from a Break Up or Divorce | (#014) Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers, with David Tian, Ph.D.

Welcome to “Beyond Success,” the podcast for high-achievers seeking deeper meaning, fulfillment and purpose. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned leadership coach and therapist, David Tian.

In this episode, we’re diving into a topic that I know will hit close to home for many of us, how to recover from a divorce or a breakup, and we’re not going to just get into generic advice, like, “Just get back out there,” or anything that will just be like slapping a band-aid on a broken heart. Instead, we’re going to get into real recovery, how to get to a place where you’re not just moving on, but you’re moving forward, stronger, clearer and becoming more aligned with who you really are.

By the end of this episode, you’ll understand exactly what it takes to turn the pain of your breakup into fuel for your personal growth. You’ll be equipped to rebuild yourself from the ground up, not just so you can get over it, but so that you can step into your next chapter of your life with confidence, clarity and freedom. [01:02.7]

Imagine walking into a new relationship or even just a date with very little baggage, if any, and no neediness, no lingering wounds that have been unaddressed, just you your true self, fully present, grounded and ready to create something new and real. Because what happens if you don’t recover from this breakup or divorce?

I’ve seen it so many times. People rush into the next relationship thinking that a new partner will magically heal the pain from the last one, but all that does is bring the same toxic patterns, the same emotional baggage, into the new relationship. It’s like trying to build a house on a cracked foundation. It’s only a matter of time before everything falls apart again.

Or maybe you do the opposite of that. Maybe you take the “time heals all wounds” approach and you just wait it out, hoping that one day, magically, you’ll wake up and feel better. But time alone doesn’t heal emotional wounds. It only pushes them deeper into the background, where they continue to fester and influence your thoughts, sabotaging your behaviors and getting in the way of your ability to connect with others. [02:11.5]

Without actively working through your pain. Those unresolved emotions, they don’t just disappear. They build up in the background until they boil over, and then when you finally start dating again, they show up as neediness or defensiveness, or a lack of trust.

Then there’s the myth of “Just go on a lot of dates.” It’s as if flooding yourself with attention or distractions will somehow magically erase what you’re feeling inside, and the truth is, it won’t. Yeah, it might give you some distraction. It might give you a temporary boost, but it won’t address the root of the problem. Dating while you’re still carrying a lot of unprocessed emotions, or especially trauma, will do more harm than good, and it leaves you more confused, more hurt and less connected to who you truly are. [03:03.7]

The truth is, recovering from a breakup isn’t something you can shortcut or outsource to time, or to Tinder. It requires deliberate action. It requires facing the hard truths, doing the inner work and using the experience as a springboard for greater growth. Of course, this takes some effort, but the result is a version of you that’s not just healed, but thriving, someone who is no longer held back by the past, but is stronger because of it and now fully open to the possibilities of the future.

In case you don’t know who I am, I’m David Tian, and for almost the past two decades, I’ve been helping high achievers from over 87 countries find success, meaning and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives—and this is the Beyond Success Podcast: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers.

In this episode, I’ve got five main points here, and let’s just dive into the first and that’s on understanding why long-term relationships require mastery. This might surprise you—the hardest part of a relationship isn’t getting into it. It’s what comes after once you’re in the relationship. [04:11.7]

Anyone can feel the rush of infatuation or the thrill of a first state. This is where a lot of men have their blind spot. They think that the hard part is attracting the right woman and getting into a relationship, which might take some weeks, and they’re completely blind to the fact that a few weeks of getting into a relationship cannot compare in any way to the challenge of succeeding in a relationship that lasts decades, if not the rest of your life.

Most people don’t realize that relationships, just like any other important part of life, will require ongoing effort to study and growth. Every relationship goes through distinct stages and each stage brings its own challenges. [04:54.4]

Okay, let’s break these down. The first stage is what I call “the excitement of uncertainty.” Those first few months or weeks where everything feels electric, you’re discovering each other, the chemistry is intense, and novelty keeps things fresh, and there’s an uncertainty, the unpredictability of knowing whether the other person will reciprocate, whether they like you just as much as you like them.

This is actually the easiest and most natural part, because it’s fueled by curiosity, attraction and chemistry, but it’s also fleeting, necessarily, because the chemistry wears off once the uncertainty starts to go away, and the unpredictability, the novelty of it starts to go away. You’re still presenting your best self and your partner is doing the same. Beneath the surface, the deeper dynamics haven’t yet come into play.

Next comes the second stage, the romance of the honeymoon stage. This honeymoon stage can last anywhere from three months to a year or more. Passion flourishes the most in the honeymoon stage. You feel deeply connected and it can seem like nothing could ever go wrong, but this face is also temporary, necessarily. The unpredictability wears off. The chemistry changes. The honeymoon glow eventually fades, not because something is wrong, but because real life starts to set in. [06:08.8]

If you were always just in the honeymoon stage and the excitement of uncertainty, it’d be impossible to get any real work done in your career, as an example, or get anything else done, because your relationship will just be this overriding thing in your brain. So, once the honeymoon chemicals start to wear off, now you’re into where the real work begins, and this is the next stage, what I call “the turning point.”

Every long-term relationship will hit this. It’s the moment when cracks begin to show. Conflicts arise. You start seeing the psychological parts of your partner that they have kept hidden so far or maybe that you’ve ignored in the beginning, or maybe that they weren’t even aware of themselves. For many couples, this stage will feel like failure, but it’s actually a test. It’s a necessary stage. It’s the first opportunity to deepen your intimacy beyond the superficial and beyond just the novelty by working through these challenges together. But most people aren’t prepared for this, so they either avoid the conflict or they let it spiral out of control. [07:11.0]

Past the turning point is the stage that I call “the complacency of comfort.” This can last a few years and maybe longer. At first, it feels stable and safe, but over time, that same comfort turns into neglect. You stop prioritizing the relationship because it doesn’t feel urgent anymore, and then this is when couples often take each other for granted. The passion fades and the connection becomes routine.

By this point, the deeper psychological dynamics will also be very evident. I have devoted a four-video free masterclass in my masterclasses on this very dynamic and that masterclass is called “The Secret to a Successful Relationship,” which is that we will do to our partner psychological parts what we did to our own parts that resembled our partners’, which is that we will disown or exile, or seek to control or suppress those parts. I go into a lot more detail on this phenomenon in that free masterclass, “The Secret to a Successful Relationship.” [08:09.5]

Then after that stage, the stage of complacency of comfort, comes the next stage, the restlessness of boredom, and this stage typically shows up after three to 10 years into the relationship. By this point, the novelty is gone, and if the relationship hasn’t been nurtured properly, then it becomes stale, and people begin seeking excitement elsewhere, through hobbies, work, or sometimes even outside the relationship in cheating. If the couple doesn’t address this restlessness, it’ll lead to resentment, disconnection, or worse.

So, what’s the point of understanding these stages? Here’s the reality: every stage is an opportunity to grow, but if you don’t recognize what’s happening, you can easily misinterpret the challenges in that stage as signs that the relationship is broken. Worse, you might then blame your partner or yourself, instead of seeing the bigger picture. [09:00.0]

Now, let’s actually get into some of the deeper psychological issues that I started mentioning earlier. The closer you get to someone emotionally, the more intimacy that you share, the more likely it is that the relationship will trigger your deepest emotional unresolved wounds. This isn’t a flaw in the relationship. It’s actually part of the design.

From a therapeutic perspective, this happens because we all carry unresolved issues from our past. In IFS therapy (Internal Family Systems therapy), we call these parts exiles. They’re the parts of us that hold the most pain, fear or shame from our earlier challenging experiences, especially in childhood.

In the safety of a long-term relationship, these exiled parts start to surface. They’re desperate for that promise of the love and connection that they’ve been waiting for their whole lives, and you might suddenly feel jealous or insecure or overly defensive as a result. These are emotions you thought you had outgrown, and this can be incredibly confusing for an adult, especially for high-achieving professionals who are used to staying in control. [10:07.5]

But the thing is, this triggering isn’t a sign that the relationship’s failing. It’s actually an invitation to heal. It means that you’ve progressed to the next stage. Relationships then act like mirrors for ourselves, reflecting back the parts of ourselves that we need to address. If you approach these moments with curiosity instead of attacking defensively, then they become opportunities for our own transformation, not just for the relationship’s sake, but for you as an individual.

Again, I go into more detail on this very dynamic in my free masterclass, “The Secret to a Successful Relationship”, as well as in my course, “Rock Solid Relationships”, which you can access now through the All-Access Platinum Partnership. [10:52.2]

Now let’s move into another concept, the shifts from passionate love to companionate love. Passionate to companionate. Jonathan Haidt writes about this in his book The Happiness Hypothesis. Passionate love, the kind that fuels the honeymoon stage, is intense, but short-lived. It’s driven by biology, designed to bond people quickly. Companionate love, on the other hand, is slower, steadier and built on shared values, trust, mutual respect, having gone through challenges together. In this sense, the companionate love is antifragile. It’s what sustains relationships over the long term.

The problem is most people don’t know about companionate love, and they chase passionate love because of fairy tales and Hollywood and all that, without understanding that passionate love is supposed to evolve in order for you to have a successful long-term relationship. When the passion fades, they think something is wrong, when in reality, they’re just moving into a deeper stage. [11:51.5]

Where does that leave you after a breakup or divorce? Long-term relationships aren’t something you get lucky at. They’re something you learn, practice and master. Your breakup is a chance to reflect on what worked and what didn’t, and what you can do differently moving forward. It’s not about beating yourself up or blaming your ex. Instead, try to look at it as becoming more self-aware so that you can create a stronger foundation for the future.

Let’s move down to the second point, taking responsibility. This might be tough for some people to hear, but when a breakup happens, the easiest thing to do is to point fingers at your ex or at bad timing, or at external circumstances. Sure, sometimes those factors definitely play a role, but the harsh truth is, if you don’t take responsibility for your part in the breakup, you’re giving away your power to grow, even if your role was just tiny, like just one percent, owning that whatever that tiny percent is is where your transformation can begin. [12:53.6]

Now, before we go any further, let’s address an obvious question: “Why should I take responsibility if my ex was the one who messed up?” Maybe they cheated. Maybe they stopped putting in effort. Maybe they hurt you in ways that you didn’t deserve. All of that can be true, but the point of taking responsibility isn’t to excuse their behavior. It’s for shifting the focus back to you so that you can grow. Your growth, your choices and how you show up in the relationship, in relationships in the future, it comes from asking, “What can I learn from this?”

Tony Robbins famously said, “Ninety percent of relationship success comes down to mate selection,” and I agree. If you’re honest with yourself, were there signs early on that you and your ex weren’t really aligned? Maybe you ignored red flags or you compromised on things that really mattered to you. That’s a really common trap, especially for high-achievers who are used to solving problems and making things work and fixing things. But relationships aren’t about fixing someone else and not about forcing compatibility. They require alignment. [14:01.1]

So, you can flip the lens inward. What did this relationship teach you about yourself? Maybe it highlighted patterns that you’ve been repeating without realizing it. For example, did you struggle to express your needs or did you avoid conflict only to let resentment build in you? Or maybe the opposite, maybe you pushed too hard expecting your partner to meet all your emotional needs.

These patterns often stem from unresolved issues in your past, especially your childhood, and relationships have a way of bringing them to the surface after we’ve been trying to suppress them and ignore them for most of our lives. The more you understand these dynamics, the more equipped you’ll be to break free from them in future relationships. So, here’s an important question that might feel uncomfortable for you. What part did you play and the relationship’s demise? Even if it’s a tiny part, there’s always something for you to learn. [14:58.3]

Maybe you stayed too long when you knew it wasn’t working. Maybe you let work consume you and neglected the emotional connection. Or maybe you chose someone who wasn’t right for you because you were chasing something superficial, like status or beauty, or the validation of being in a relationship. Why were you attracted to that person in the first place if it turns out they weren’t a good person? These aren’t easy truths to face, but they’re necessary if you want to grow.

Another powerful question is, how will you approach relationships differently moving forward? This is not about creating a checklist for your next partner. Instead, it’s about showing up as a more self-aware version of yourself. Maybe that means setting better boundaries or prioritizing emotional intimacy more, or being more intentional about who you let into your life. When you reflect on your role in the breakup and commit to growing from it, then you’re taking back control of your future. [15:55.6]

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself. It means stepping into a mindset of ownership. Blaming keeps you stuck in the past. Ownership moves you forward. Blame focuses on what went wrong. Ownership focuses on what you can do differently next time, and that shift can change everything in your life.

So, how do you actually start this process? One of the simplest ways is journaling. Write down the lessons you learn from this relationship, about yourself, about your needs and about what truly matters to you now. Be brutally honest, but also be compassionate towards yourself. One of the best ways to grow is from making mistakes and learning from failures. Growth comes from clarity, not acerbic self-criticism.

Another powerful tool is seeking feedback from a trusted mentor or friend, or coach, because sometimes it’s hard to see your blind spots on your own. An outside perspective can help you identify patterns and behaviors that you might not even realize are holding you back. [17:01.2]

Every breakup, no matter how painful, is a chance to grow. It’s a mirror that shows you what you need to work on, whether it’s your boundaries, your communication skills, your courage to be vulnerable, your ability to choose partners who align with your values, or understanding your unconscious drives that unconsciously attract you to partners that turn out to be not good for you. The more responsibility you take for your growth, the more you set yourself up for success in your next relationship. [17:30.9]

Hey, if you’re an achiever who’s been struggling when it comes to managing your emotions or navigating your relationships, I get it. So many high-performers hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you’ve noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.

That’s where my “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It’s based on peer-reviewed, evidence-based therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Now let’s move to the third point, which is about grief work and how to honor the emotional process. When a relationship ends, it’s natural to want to push past the pain as quickly as possible. For many of us, especially high-achievers, there’s a temptation to dive straight into distractions, like burying yourself in work or hitting the gym harder, or keeping busy until the feelings just go away. But the thing is, emotions don’t just disappear. If you suppress them, they find other ways to show up through stress or tension, or patterns that sabotage your future relationships and your happiness. [19:01.7]

Grieving isn’t something to avoid. It’s something to lean into and it’s a necessary phase, because grief is what clears the emotional clutter. It’s what allows you to process the loss and come out the other side, stronger, clearer and lighter.

Okay, here’s where you can start. Allow yourself to feel. Allow the feelings. This might mean crying or yelling, or even just sitting quietly with your sadness. It doesn’t matter how you express it, as long as you do express it. Give yourself permission to let the emotion surface without judgment or shame. You don’t need to hold it together for anyone. This is your time to release what’s inside you. Find a quiet, private place, and don’t suppress it. Let it out. Allow it to surface. [19:49.8]

One thing to keep in mind here is that emotions come in waves. They usually last only a few minutes at most at a time, and when you’re in the middle of one of these emotional waves, it can feel overwhelming, like it’s never going to end. But it will, necessarily, because of our biology. Just let yourself ride each wave fully, whether it’s sadness, anger or even relief. Then when the wave passes, you can, if you decide, shift your focus back to the next step in whatever you’re doing.

For some people, anger can feel like the hardest emotion to process. Maybe you’re angry at your ex for how things ended, or maybe you’re angry at yourself for not seeing the red flag sooner. Whatever the source, anger is valid, but recognize it’s also temporary, if you express it fully. So, find healthy ways to express it. Scream into a pillow. Punch a punching bag. Write an uncensored letter that you’ll never send and will tear up afterwards. Get it out of your system in a way that is safe and private. [20:50.2]

Another tool that can help you process grief is, of course, journaling. Writing isn’t just about documenting your thoughts. It’s about creating space for them. When you put your feelings on paper, it can help you untangle what’s swirling around in your head. Start with simple prompts like, “What am I feeling right now?” or “What do I wish I could say to my ex?” Don’t worry about grammar or structure. Just let it flow, stream-of-consciousness style. Often, the act of writing itself reveals truths that you weren’t even aware of.

If writing feels too isolating, consider talking to someone else, like a therapist or a coach, or even a trusted friend who can hold space for you to give you that time and silence to express your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes just saying things out loud helps you to release them. The key here is choosing someone who listens without judgment, who doesn’t rush in to offer solutions, and who can let you process at your own pace. [21:46.4]

Let’s address a common fear now that showing emotion is like a weakness. For high-performers, this is a tough mindset to break, but the truth is, grieving isn’t weak. It’s the opposite. It takes courage to sit with your pain instead of running from it or living in denial of it. It takes strength to confront what hurts and let yourself feel it fully.

Grief isn’t just about sadness or loss. It’s about clearing space. When you release the emotional weight of the breakup, the burden, then you create room for something new, new perspectives, new energy, and eventually, maybe a new relationship. But you can’t skip that step of grief. If you try, the unprocessed grief will follow you like a shadow into whatever comes next.

Now, I’m not saying wallow in your grief forever. Grieving is an active process. Feel the wave of your emotions as they come up, ride them and then redirect your focus towards something constructive, if you choose. This might mean reorganizing your space, starting your new routine, or diving into a project that energizes you. Grief work and active healing go hand in hand. [22:57.6]

The takeaway here is simple. Grieving is strength in action. It’s how you heal, grow and prepare yourself for what’s next. By honoring this emotional process, you’re clearing the way for your next chapter to succeed, and that chapter has the potential to be one of the most meaningful and fulfilling of your life.

Okay, let’s dive into the fourth step now, to create new routines and reset your life. Okay, this is where you start actively rebuilding not just your routines but the way you experience your world. If you’re serious about moving forward, you can’t keep clinging to the old emotional anchors from your past relationship.

Those ties, like the furniture in your house, the playlist on your phone or the habits that you’ve fallen into, will keep you stuck in the old relationship, because these are anchors to the old relationship that when they get triggered, will bring you back mentally and emotionally to that time and that context. So, resetting your life is about breaking those connections and those old associations and replacing them with fresh energy and new momentum. [24:04.6]

Okay, let’s start with one of the easiest places, your space. If you won the house and the divorce or breakup, then it’s time to make it yours, not yours and the ex’s. That doesn’t mean you need to tear everything down and rebuild, although if you want to do a full remodeling, have at it. But even small changes can make a massive difference.

You can just rearrange the furniture or replace the items that are tied to your ex. Add visual cues that inspire you, like new art or plants, or a different color scheme that reflects more of who you are now or where you want to go. If you have the budget and the energy, yeah, totally go bigger, remodel, repaint or completely redesign your space. Your environment should feel like a reflection of you in this new chapter, not an anchor that brings you back to what you’ve lost. [24:55.4]

Next, take control of the sound, the soundtrack of your life. Music is incredibly powerful. It can lift you up or drag you down. This might be obvious by now, but just avoid any songs that remind you of your ex. Avoid sad songs in general that might pull you back into grief or nostalgia when you didn’t mean to. Create playlists that energize you. Go for empowering upbeat tracks that match the mood that you want to cultivate going forward. This might sound trivial, but music, soundtrack, or the score of your life, is incredibly important, and curating your entire environment, including the sounds and smells and sights that you surround yourself with, will directly impact how you feel on a daily basis.

Now let’s talk about experiences. If you want to reset your life, you need to step outside the patterns that you’ve been living in, so plan new experiences every week, things that challenge you or excite you or simply feel refreshing, things that you’ve been meaning to do for a long time, especially the ones that you couldn’t do for some reason while in that relationship. This could mean trying a new fitness class or joining a hiking group, or taking up a hobby that you’ve always been curious about. [26:09.2]

Push yourself to say yes to invitations or opportunities that might feel outside your comfort zone, and if you’re ready for a bigger leap, plan some travel. Even a weekend trip to a new city can completely shift your perspective. New experiences break the old routines and anchors and will help accelerate the rewiring that your brain needs to give you that fresh emotional energy.

One thing you absolutely have to do is to cut off exposure to your ex and this means no stalking their social media, so unfriend or if you need to block or restrict your profiles from theirs. No scrolling through the old photos. No asking mutual friends for updates. Put all of the old photos and old items into a separate folder and put some kind of restriction on it or extra steps that require more trouble to access, or give them, if they’re physical objects, to someone else, for safe keeping, or just give them back to the ex. [27:05.6]

Every time you engage with those old ties, you’re pulling yourself back into the past, and that will not help you move forward. It’ll keep you stuck. So, set boundaries with your friends, if necessary, if they don’t get it. Let them know that you don’t want to hear about how your ex is doing right now, you want no updates, not out of anger, but because you have decided what your boundaries are and that you have prioritized your own growth.

If it helps, you can put a time limit on it, like at least six months of no contact and no exposure, or a year. You decide if you need to have that as an incentive, but ideally, you will just put it in the past and only revisit it for the purpose of growing with your therapist or your coach.

Another critical part of this reset is building habits that support both your mental and physical health. You can start with meditation. I highly recommend meditation. Even just 10 minutes a day can calm your mind and help you regain clarity. [28:00.0]

Make exercise a priority. Resistance training, yoga or cardio aren’t just about fitness. They release endorphins, reduce stress, rebuild confidence and increase your longevity as you live longer. Pair that with a nutritious diet, focusing on foods that support sustained energy and emotional balance.

The goal here isn’t perfection, of course. It’s about creating a routine that strengthens your body and mind, one small habit at a time, and is new. So, if you’re still going to the same gym or doing the same type of exercises, this is your opportunity to change it up. Get a new diet. Get a new fitness regimen.

The beauty of resetting your life is that every small change creates momentum. Rearranging your furniture might seem like a minor thing, but it signals to your brain that something is shifting. Curating your music, trying new experiences, cutting off toxic connections, all send the same message to your brain and to your body: “You are moving forward.” [28:57.0]

As that momentum builds, it reprograms your brain, and this will change how you think and feel directly. You will start seeing possibilities instead of obstacles. You will start feeling excitement instead of dread. This process isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about creating enough space in your life and in your brain for something new to form. It’s about saying, “This is who I am now and this is where I’m going.” The best part of this is that it’s entirely within your control, and no one else can do it for you, but no one else can stop you either.

Let’s wrap this up with the fifth and final point, how to accelerate your healing with professional guidance. The truth is, going through a breakup or recovering from a divorce is one of the most emotionally complex experiences you’ll ever face. It’ll be messy, be layered. It’s almost impossible to navigate alone without falling into old patterns or blind spots. [29:51.3]

That’s where working with a therapist or coach comes in. A lot of people will resist this idea. Maybe they see asking for help as a weakness, or maybe they think, I’m successful in every other area of my life. I should be able to handle this on my own. But ask yourself this, would you try to perform surgery on yourself? Of course not, and complex emotional healing is the same. You need someone who can guide you, who can see the patterns you can’t, who has the experience and the expertise, and who can hold you accountable for doing the inner work and the outer work.

An experienced expert can help you uncover the blind spots that keep you stuck. Often, these are deeply ingrained beliefs or habits that you’re not even aware of, patterns you picked up from childhood or your past relationships. For example, maybe you have a tendency to avoid conflict because it feels safer for you, but that very avoidance actually leads to unresolved resentment. Or maybe you keep choosing partners who reinforce an old story in your head, like needing to prove your worth.

These patterns aren’t random. They’re rooted in past formative experiences, and they don’t simply go away on their own. A good therapist or coach can help you identify them, understand where they come from, and start rewriting the script. [31:05.8]

Another thing that an experienced expert brings to the table is structure. When you’re in the thick of emotional pain, it’s easy to get lost in it. Days blend together. You might feel like you’re making progress one moment and then spiral back into sadness or anger the next. A good coach or therapist can give you a roadmap. They can provide you tools, exercises and strategies tailored to your unique situation, and that structure can keep you moving forward, even when it feels really hard.

Let me share a story about one of my clients. We’ll call him Ben. Ben was a senior executive at a multinational company. On paper, he had it all in terms of success. He had wealth, status, and influence in his industry, but when his seven year marriage ended, he was crushed. He felt like he had failed, not just as a husband, but as a man. His instinct was to bury himself in his work even more and just ignore everything and pretend everything was fine, but inside, he was unraveling and he knew it. [32:04.4]

His confidence took a hit. He started second-guessing himself in meetings and presentations. He avoided all the mixers and social events, because he didn’t want to explain what had happened. When Ben reached out to me, he was hesitant. He told me, “I don’t know if this is going to work out. I’m not the kind of guy who talks about feelings,” but a testament to his courage and his self-awareness, he knew that this is what he needed.

Over the next several months, we worked together to unpack the emotions that he had been avoiding, grief, anger and shame, and we dug into the patterns, the unconscious patterns, that had shown up in his marriage. Ben realized that he’d been so focused on achieving external success so that he could feel worthy that he had neglected his own inner emotional world. He had avoided vulnerability, both with himself and, of course, with his wife, because he didn’t know how to handle it. [32:56.0]

Through our sessions together, Ben learned to embrace those emotions instead of running away from them or suppressing them. He practiced being present with his feelings, especially the challenging ones. He practiced journaling about them and even having honest conversations with his ex-wife to get closure.

At the same time, we worked on redefining his approach to relationships. Ben started identifying what he truly wanted in a partner, not based on society’s expectations or his family expectations, or on superficial traits, but instead based on his values and principles, and emotional compatibility. Fast-forward to now and Ben is in a completely different place. He says he’s got his mojo back again, not because he patched himself up, but because he did the deep inner work to rebuild himself from the inside out.

He’s also in a new long-term relationship, and in this one, he tells me, he feels truly connected for the first time in years. The part that surprises him the most is that the growth that he has been experiencing in his personal life has made him a better leader at work. He’s more empathetic, more present, more grounded, and his evaluations at work have reflected that. [34:06.0]

This kind of transformation doesn’t happen by accident. It happens when you’re willing to invest in yourself, when you recognize that even the most successful people need guidance in emotional and relational areas. No one can get there alone. Even Olympic athletes have coaches. Even top CEOs have mentors. Why wouldn’t you seek the same kind of support for your personal growth?

Investing in professional help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of commitment. It’s an investment in yourself. It’s a declaration that you’re willing to do the work to become your best self, not just for your next relationship, but for yourself, for every area of your life, for the rest of your life. The best part is that the growth you experience here doesn’t just heal the pain of your breakup. It builds a foundation for the kind of life and love that you’ve actually really wanted all along. [34:59.0]

Okay, let’s recap what we’ve covered so far today.

Recovering from a breakup isn’t just about moving on. It’s about moving forward. We started by exploring the foundations of long-term relationships, understanding the stages they go through, and how intimacy often triggers unresolved emotional wounds. If you don’t recognize these patterns, you risk repeating them in the future.

Next, we talked about taking responsibility for your part in the relationship’s demise, even if it’s just one percent. Ownership isn’t about self-blame. It’s learning, growing and breaking free from toxic patterns that are holding you back.

From there, we dove into the importance of grieving fully. You can’t skip this step. Suppressing emotions only prolongs the pain and leads to self-sabotage later. Leaning into the waves of sadness, anger or even relief, helps you to release them and clear space for something new.

We also covered how to reset your life by creating new routines and experiences, rearranging your environment, curating your playlists, trying new activities, travel, cutting off a social media exposure to your ex. All of these are practical ways to break emotional anchors and generate fresh energy for growth. [36:10.3]

The final point was how to accelerate your healing with professional guidance. Whether through a coach or a therapist, getting expert support provides clarity, structure and accountability. It can help you uncover blind spots and ensure that you don’t carry the baggage of your unresolved issues into your future relationships.

Now let’s take a moment to zoom out. What happens if you don’t do this work, if you don’t pay attention to what we’ve covered here? The truth is, the pain of a breakup doesn’t just fade on its own. It seeps into everything, your friendships, your career, your physical health. You might find yourself repeating the same mistakes over and over, choosing the same kind of partner in the end, or walking into new relationships with the same insecurities and sabotaging them in the same way.

Over time, that unprocessed pain will calcify into resentment or cynicism. Instead of opening yourself up to love, you build more walls and thicker walls and higher walls, and the longer you carry that baggage, the heavier it gets. Decades down the road, you can find yourself looking back wondering why every relationship felt like a dead-end and why you never broke free from the patterns that held you back. [37:17.4]

But that doesn’t have to be your story. Imagine instead, that you’ve done the inner work to heal. You’ve processed the grief, you’ve uncovered the lessons. You’ve transformed yourself in the process. You’ve become antifragile. You’ve reconnected with who you are, what you really value and what you really want in a partner.

You’ve cultivated your emotional intelligence, self-awareness and the true confidence to show up fully in your relationships. You have a new found sense of clarity and purpose. Your past no longer weighs you down. Instead, it becomes a source of strength, a reminder of how far you’ve come. When you meet someone new that you like you’re not chasing validation or filling a void. Instead, you’re connecting from a place of wholeness. You have the courage to feel the vulnerability that is required for unconditional love, which transforms your life and gives it much deeper meaning. [38:09.8]

This inner work doesn’t just stop with relationships. When you heal and grow on a personal level, it impacts every area of your life. You show up as a better leader, a better friend, a better parent if you have kids. You move through the world with more presence, more confidence, more joy, and that’s what’s waiting for you on the other side of this process.

So, what’s your next step right now? Maybe it’s starting with the grief work. Maybe it’s taking stock of your patterns and learning from the past, or maybe it’s reaching out for a professional to support and guide you through the process. Whatever it is, take one step today. Don’t let this moment pass without making a commitment to yourself.

Thank you so much for listening. If this episode helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think might need it. If you’re ready to take your growth to the next level, let’s connect. Until next time, remember, the end of one chapter is just the beginning of another. Until next time, David Tian, signing out. [39:00.1]