The Missing Ingredient for Lasting Attraction: Investment (It’s Not What You Think) | (#021) Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers, with David Tian, Ph.D.

Imagine this. You’re in a relationship that feels flat. The spark isn’t there. You want to feel more, more passion, more connection, but no matter what you do, it’s like something is missing. Or maybe it’s your career. You’ve achieved the goals you set, checked the boxes, climbed the ladder, but deep down, it feels hollow, or in the quiet of the night, you admit you feel exhausted, burnt out, like the fire is no longer there.

Here’s the surprising truth—the missing piece isn’t love, luck or even talent. It’s investment. Understanding this principle could change the way you experience attraction, commitment and joy, not just in relationships, but in every corner of your life. [00:59.0]

The more we put time, effort and energy into something, the more we care about it. It’s not just psychology. It’s human nature and if something doesn’t require any effort. We start to take it for granted, even when we want to care. Whether it’s about a person, a goal or a lifestyle, the feeling just doesn’t show up if there’s no meaningful investment, and if you don’t respect this principle, you’re setting yourself up for mediocrity in your relationships, career and personal happiness. Worse, you risk becoming trapped in a life where you are forcing yourself to be grateful or feel happy while secretly wondering why none of it feels real.

But when you master the energy of inspiring investment from yourself and from others, you unlock the secret to real connection, lasting passion and genuine fulfillment. This isn’t a hack or a gimmick, it’s the foundation for life based on proven science.

I’m David Tian. For almost the past two decades, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. [01:59.2]

In this episode, I’ve got three points. Let’s dive into the first, and the first one is about the idea that emotions, things like attraction, commitment, enjoyment, can’t be forced. You can’t just decide “I’m going to feel attracted to this person” or “I’m going to enjoy this job now” and then expect the feelings to just magically appear because of your willpower. No amount of logical reasoning or sheer willpower can conjure up emotions that aren’t already there. But when we invest effort, real time and energy, when we invest effort into something, those feelings can start to grow naturally.

This isn’t some fluffy feel-good idea. It’s backed by psychology, specifically what’s known as the effort justification theory. Here’s how it works. When you pour effort into something, your brain essentially rewires itself to justify all that effort. Your brain thinks, if I put this much into it, it must be worth it. The harder you work at something, the more valuable it feels to you, even if it didn’t seem that valuable to you at first. [03:01.0]

This is why people who go through grueling experiences like training for a marathon or building a business from scratch, or navigating the ups and downs of a challenging relationship. They often come out the other side with a deep sense of pride and connection. They feel like they’ve earned it, and as a result, they value it so much more.

But let’s look at what happens when no effort is required, when something is handed to you on a silver platter like no strings attached. You might enjoy it for a moment, maybe even feel lucky, but then the emotional connection of it doesn’t stick with you. Your mind doesn’t have the same reason to assign value to it.

Let’s make this more real with an example. Have you ever had a relationship where one person did all the work? Maybe that was you. You planned the dates. You handled the emotional labor. You made all the sacrifices to keep things running smoothly. Meanwhile, the other person barely lifted a finger. At first, they might have seemed happy with the setup. Who wouldn’t enjoy having something or everything done for them? But over time, there’s a shift. They start to pull away or the spark just fizzled out, or they take it for granted and they don’t cherish it anymore. [04:12.5]

That’s because they didn’t have to invest in it, and without investment of time and energy, attraction and commitment dry up. The dynamic becomes naturally one-sided, and eventually, the person doing all the work feels drained and unappreciated.

This ties into something that the renowned social psychologist Robert Cialdini calls the consistency principle. People like to stay consistent with their past actions. When they’ve invested time and effort into someone or something, they’re more likely to stay committed to it, simply because walking away would create a psychological tension. They’d have to admit to themselves all that effort was for nothing.

Now let’s layer in another level of depth. Some of us were conditioned, often from childhood, to over-function in relationships. These are the parts of us that are called the rescuer or the fixer, or the people pleaser, and these parts learned early on that love and approval come from taking responsibility for other people’s emotions. [05:13.3]

You might recognize this in yourself. Maybe you’ve been conditioned to smooth over conflicts or meet everyone else’s needs, and then to sacrifice your own boundaries in order to keep the peace. When you’re in this mode, you end up overinvesting in relationships where the other person doesn’t have to do much at all, and the irony is that the harder you try, the less the other person values you.

Why? Again, it’s because you’re doing all the heavy lifting, so they never have to feel the discomfort of investing, so they never get to experience the emotional rewards that come from investing time and effort into something. Then, naturally, the attraction fades. The commitment dwindles or enjoyment turns into obligation. Now all you can do is count on the other person being moral enough and listening to their conscience to not take you for granted or the relationship or the cause. [06:08.1]

But now you’re counting on their willpower and their moral courage, and it’s not enjoyable anymore. It’s not natural anymore, and in fact, the feeling isn’t authentic to their actions anymore. They’re internally out of alignment. They end up acting out of duty and obligation, and when that’s what you’re counting on to keep the relationship going or to keep that commitment going, then it will quickly lead to burnout, exhaustion and resentment, sort of the opposite of fulfillment.

So, what’s the alternative? True authentic connection requires mutual investment. Both people need to feel like they’re contributing to something meaningful, whether that’s contribution in terms of time or energy, or emotional effort. The part that many people pleasers need to hear is this: stepping back and allowing others to invest doesn’t mean you’re being selfish. In fact, it’s the most generous thing you can do for the relationship. You’re giving the other person the chance to feel deeply connected, attracted and committed by investing in the relationship. [07:12.8]

It might feel uncomfortable at first. It probably will if you’ve been used to having these people-pleaser parts, or the fixer or the rescuer run things for so many years or decades. If you’ve spent your life taking responsibility for everyone else’s feelings, then letting go and creating space for them can feel like you’re abandoning them. But the truth is, when you allow someone else to invest, you’re building a stronger, more balanced connection with them.

Okay, let’s recap the first point. Emotions like attraction, commitment and enjoyment grow naturally from investment of time and effort. Effort justification and Cialdini’s consistency principle explain why we value what we work for, and why mutual investment is the foundation of any healthy, lasting, long term relationship and of attraction. If you’ve been trapped in patterns of over-functioning or people pleasing, it’s time to challenge those old habits and make room for the kind of connection that’s balanced, authentic and deeply rewarding. [08:10.5]

Okay, let’s move on to the second point, which is why investment is the secret ingredient for creating authentic, lasting feelings in any relationship or even interaction, because the truth is, without effort, without time, without a little skin in the game, people simply don’t value what they have. It doesn’t matter how much they wanted to feel attracted, committed or connected. If they don’t have to invest any time or energy or effort into it, those feelings won’t last

Let’s break it down with a concept called earned value. When someone invests in a relationship or an interaction, when they put in effort, sacrifice, or even just consistent time, that investment shapes how they feel. They start to care more, because their actions reinforce the idea in their unconscious that this connection is meaningful. This is simply human nature. [08:57.1]

The reverse is also true. When there’s no effort required, people start to take things for granted. They might even feel bored or disconnected and not know why, no matter how much they logically want to feel close or attracted. This is why so many relationships fall apart when one person does all the work.

Here’s where another one of Robert Cialdini’s research principles comes into play. He talks about the scarcity effect and the effort effect, the idea that people value what it’s hard to get or requires work to attain. If something is scarce or takes effort to maintain, it triggers a sense of importance, and on the flip side, if something’s too easy or always available, the brain naturally, unconsciously, devalues it.

Okay, let’s give a real-world example to bring this home. Imagine you’ve started dating someone and they’re constantly available. They drop everything to see you whenever you want. They rearrange their entire schedule at your convenience. [09:56.4]

At first, it’ll feel nice. It’s flattering, and you might like it. But after a while, you’ll feel this temptation to take it for granted, and you might even stop noticing. They’ve made it so easy that their presence loses its spark, and if you listen to your moral conscience, you might even feel some pity for them, which is a far cry from attraction or desire for them.

Now compare that to someone who’s genuinely interested in you, but also values their own time and energy. They don’t just say yes to everything. They have healthy boundaries. They give you opportunities to show up, to invest in them, to meet them halfway. That kind of dynamic creates a healthy tension, not conflict, but the kind of healthy tension that builds attraction, creates connection and leads to mutual respect.

This brings us to one of the biggest traps in relationships, effortless availability. Many people, especially those who are driven by their rescuer or fixer or people pleaser parts, fall into this trap without even realizing it. They make themselves the other person’s free butler or concierge. They think, If I solve all their problems, if I always show up, if I “do everything right,” quote-unquote, they’ll see how much I care and then they will feel guilted into being attracted to me or committed to me. [11:14.8]

But that completely backfires. When you take on all the effort, you rob the other person of the chance to invest in the relationship or interaction or you. Here’s what many such people don’t realize, without the opportunity to invest, the other person doesn’t feel as connected and they lose attraction. They lose the natural feeling of commitment and they might start to pull away. Why? Again, because emotions like attraction, commitment and appreciation don’t come from being handed something on a silver platter. They come from the process of working for it, of contributing, of earning the connection.

Let me make this even clearer. Let me extrapolate from that earlier example. If you’ve ever had somebody overextend for you, maybe a friend who was too available or a romantic partner who smothered you with attention, then you’ve probably felt that weird sense of guilt, like, They’re so nice, but I just don’t feel the same way, and that’s exactly what’s happening here when you don’t allow the other person to invest. [12:17.3]

When one person does all the work, the relationship loses its balance. If you’re a rescuer or a people pleaser, you’ve probably been there. You give and give and give, because that’s how you’ve learned to feel valuable maybe since childhood. You solve other people’s problems. You minimize conflicts and you bend over backward to keep the peace. But over time, this drains you, and you start to resent the other person, maybe unconsciously resent at first, even if they’ve never asked you to over-function, and the relationship suffers because it’s built on this unspoken imbalance. One person is carrying all the weight while the other isn’t even really required to show up. [12:56.7]

The way out of this trap is simple, but not easy. If you’re the people pleaser, then you have to step back. You have to give them space. You have to create that space. You have to stop doing everything and start letting the other person contribute. Again, at first, it might feel selfish, but it’s actually the most generous thing you can do for the relationship, because mutual investment is what creates real connection. When both people are contributing, when both are putting in time, energy and effort, then the relationship becomes something you’re building together, and that shared effort creates a bond that can’t be fixed. [13:30.4]

Many high-achievers struggle when it comes to managing their emotions or navigating their relationships, and they hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you’ve noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.

That’s where David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It’s based on peer-reviewed, evidence-backed therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Let’s recap the second related point, investment is essential for authentic feelings. Without it, relationships fall into the trap of effortless availability, where one person over functions and then the other disconnects. But when both people have the opportunity and space to invest, then attraction, commitment and connection grow naturally. 

Okay, now let’s move to our third and final point, which is that authenticity is required in order to move beyond willpower and control. Okay, let’s first look at willpower. It’s something that we’re told to rely on all the time, especially for achievers, like, “Push harder. Try more. Just make it work.” While willpower can get you through a tough workout or help you meet a last-minute deadline, willpower falls apart when it comes to emotions like attraction, commitment or enjoyment. [15:12.8]

Why? Again, because emotions aren’t something that you can force. You can’t white-knuckle your way into feeling passion, joy or connection. They either happen naturally or they don’t, and this entire episode is elaborating on one of the best ways to generate these emotions naturally. Now, the problem is, when emotions start to fade, a lot of people panic. They double down. They try to make themselves feel something, or worse, they try to force the other person to feel something. It’s like trying to hold water in your hands by squeezing it tighter. The harder you push, the more it slips away.

Relying on willpower to sustain a relationship is like dragging a boulder up a hill. You can do it for a while, but eventually you’ll burn out, and when the feelings aren’t authentic, you’re left with a relationship that feels more like a job than a source of joy. [16:03.2]

So, what’s the alternative? It’s not about trying harder. It’s about mastering the energy of eliciting investment. When someone invests in a relationship, when they give their time, energy and effort, they naturally feel more connected, more committed, and the key is this investment has to come willingly, not out of guilt, not because they feel pressured or that they have to, but because they want to.

This means letting go of control, letting go of trying to manage the other person’s emotions or reactions, and instead creating space for them to step up and invest on their own terms. This will feel very counterintuitive for people who’ve spent most of their lives as a rescuer, fixer or people pleaser. These parts of us—these are, in IFS therapy terms, protector parts—learned early on that love and approval come from keeping everyone else happy. But that’s actually not true anymore in your adult life. [16:59.6]

Maybe you grew up in a home where conflict wasn’t safe, but where you felt responsible for soothing someone else’s emotions, like your parents or your siblings or maybe even your teachers and over time, this became your default mode, always stepping in, always fixing, always over-functioning, and as an adult, these patterns show up in your relationships. You solve other people’s problems before they even arise. You anticipate their needs before they’ve even expressed them. You take on more than your share of the work, because you’ve been conditioned to believe that that’s what love looks like.

But here’s what these protector parts don’t realize—overcompensating doesn’t build connection. It kills it. When you take responsibility for the other person’s emotions, you end up leaving no room for them to invest in that relationship, and as a result, they naturally devalue it, which prevents them from getting the most enjoyment out of it. You’re doing all the hard work. You’re carrying all the weight. While your intentions are good, the result is always the same imbalance. The overinvested partner feels taken for granted, and the underinvested partner doesn’t get to enjoy the relationship. [18:09.7]

So, how do you break free from this? It starts with recognizing these parts of yourself, these rescuers and fixer parts, and they aren’t bad. They’re just trying to keep you safe in the way that they know how, but they’re working with an outdated manual, one that no longer serves you or your relationships in your adult life. This is where methods like Internal Family Systems therapy come in real handy. By working with these parts of yourself, you begin to understand their fears and motivations better, and eventually, you get to a point where you can thank them for their efforts, while also showing them there’s a better way, and then they will naturally trust you and stand back.

The next step is setting healthy boundaries. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual investment and healthy boundaries are what create the space for that balance to happen. Now, I’ve made many episodes on boundaries. A healthy adult boundary is when you take responsibility, full responsibility, for your own thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions, and you do not take responsibility for another adult’s thoughts, feelings and emotions and behaviors. [19:11.5]

For example, instead of always being the one to plan the date, let the other person take the lead sometimes. Instead of offering solutions every time there’s a problem, give them the chance to figure it out for themselves. It’s not about withholding love or playing games. It’s instead about trusting that they’re capable of showing up and then as they go through that process, they’ll enjoy and cherish the relationship or the interaction more.

The final piece is self-worth, trusting that you are valuable, even if you’re not over-giving, trusting that the right people for you will invest in you happily, not because you’ve earned it through your effort, but because they want to. They want to invest in you. [19:55.7]

When you start to let go of over-functioning, something amazing happens in your life. You’ve now made the room for the right people to naturally step into your life and to step up in your life. They naturally start to invest in you, and as they do, the connection with them grows stronger, not because you force them into it, but because it emerged naturally from a place of mutual respect and care. 

Emotions like attraction, commitment and enjoyment can’t be forced. Willpower and control don’t work in the long run. But when you master the energy of inspiring investment, when you let go of overcompensating and instead create space for others to step in, you create the space for real, authentic connection.

In my course, “Rock Solid Relationships,” I have an entire module on investment in relationships. If you want to go deeper into this, I’ve got a three-to-four-hour seminar on how to get investment in relationships. I also go into how to get investment in dating interactions and on dates, in my course, “Invincible,” and both of these are accessible through my Platinum Partnership, the all-access pass to all of my recorded courses. [21:09.1]

You can find out more about this by going to my website, DavidTianPhD.com, going to the Home menu and looking at Online Courses, and then seeing “Platinum Partnership” there, you can click on that and it’ll open up a page with more details.

Okay, let’s bring everything together in this episode. We’ve covered a lot today, so let’s recap the main points.

First, emotions like attraction, commitment and enjoyment cannot be forced. They don’t respond to logic or willpower. These emotions only happen naturally when the right conditions are in place.

Second, investment is the key without mutual time, effort and energy, people take things for granted. That’s just how we’re wired. Whether it’s a relationship, a career or a personal passion, the more time and energy and effort you invest in it, the more meaningful it becomes to you, and when the investment in a relationship isn’t mutual, then this imbalance creates resentment, frustration and, eventually, disconnection, separation and divorce. [22:04.7]

Finally, overcompensating doesn’t help. Rescuer, fixer and people-pleaser parts often drive us to take on more than our share, hoping to hold things together, but instead of building connection, overcompensating simply pushes people away. It robs them of the opportunity to invest, which means they never get to feel deeply committed or connected.

Let me illustrate this with a story. There’s a client I work with. Let’s call him James. James was successful in business, but his personal life was falling apart. His marriage felt empty. His wife seemed distant and James couldn’t figure out why. He said he’d done everything. He has planned every date, paid for every vacation, even took on extra work to make her life easier. But no matter how hard he tried, she only seemed to pull further away. [22:51.4]

Now that we’re at the end of this episode, you know exactly what the problem is, right? When James and I dug into this, it became clear to him he was doing all the work. He wasn’t leaving any space for his wife to invest. Every time he planned a date for her and took care of everything or solved a problem for her, she didn’t have to show up for herself or especially for the relationship. She didn’t have to contribute to the relationship, and over time, this imbalance made her feel disconnected, even though she couldn’t explain why and she felt guilty about it. She felt like she just couldn’t recover that spark.

James realized that his rescuer part had taken over in the relationship. He’d been conditioned since childhood to believe that love meant doing more, fixing, providing and over-functioning. Once he saw this pattern, I was able to lead him over the weeks into making a shift. He started asking his wife to take the lead on planning their weekends sometimes. He invited her to contribute to decisions about their future. Instead of trying to manage her emotions, he gave her space to express herself fully, even when it felt uncomfortable. [23:58.0]

At first, this felt very alien to James and it took him some weeks to get his bearings on this new approach to relationships and interactions, but over time, stepping back and giving her space meant that it took a weight and burden off his shoulders, and as a result, he ended up having more space for himself to relax in, to recover playfulness and spontaneity. From this more relaxed, playful space, he was able to recover more passion and the romance and that sexiness that had completely drained from their relationship.

The result was that, at first, there was some tension with his wife. His wife wasn’t used to stepping up and James wasn’t used to stepping back, but over time it happened, she began to invest more. She started planning thoughtful dates and she became more emotionally engaged with him and in the relationship. As they both began to contribute equally, their connection deepened and their passion re-sparked, and the sexiness re-entered their lives in a way that James had never actually experienced before. [25:04.1]

Now imagine if James had never made this shift. He would have kept over-functioning, doing everything he could to hold the relationship together while slowly burning out. His wife would have continued pulling away, feeling more and more distant over time, until one or both of them gave up completely, and that’s what normally happens, losing the relationships that matter most because we’re stuck in patterns that sabotage the connection.

But what happens when you implement the principles we’ve talked about in this episode? Picture this, you’re in a relationship where both people invest equally. You feel valued because your partner shows up, not because you’ve guilted them into it, but because they genuinely want to. You have the freedom to be yourself without constantly overthinking or over-functioning, or trying to please the other person or appease them or get their approval.

Your career feels more fulfilling, not because you’re grinding yourself into the ground, but because you’ve created an environment where your time and your energy are more respected. You’re no longer chasing external validation or trying to prove your worth, and instead, you’re focused on the things that truly matter to you. [26:11.0]

Most importantly, you feel at peace with yourself. The rescuer, the fixer, the people-pleaser parts, they’re no longer running your life. You’ve learned to set boundaries, to trust your worth and to let go of the need to control. This is the life that’s possible when you master the art of investment, the art of mutual investment, it’s not about doing more or trying harder. It’s about creating balance, letting go of overcompensating, maintaining healthy boundaries and allowing space for the right people to step up for you.

Here’s my challenge to you. Take a close look at your relationships, both personal and professional. Where are you over-functioning? Where are you doing all the work? Where are you not allowing others to grow up and to step up and to invest? And what would it look like to step back, just a little or maybe a lot, and invite the others to invest instead? [27:04.5]

This will feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to being the one who always overinvests, but the more you practice this, the more you’ll see how powerful this change can be. Attraction, commitment and enjoyment, these thrive on mutual investment. When you create space for that to happen, you’ll discover a level of connection and fulfillment that goes far beyond anything willpower or effort alone could ever achieve.

Thank you so much for listening. Until next time, remember your time and energy are valuable. The relationships that truly matter will honor that. If this podcast has helped you in any way, please send it to anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you liked it, hit a like or give it a five-star review on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. If you have any feedback whatsoever, I’d love to get it. Leave a comment or send me a message. I’d love to hear your feedback.

Thank you again so much for listening to this episode. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [28:00.0]