Why “Working on Yourself” Can Make Things Worse | (#032) Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers, with David Tian, Ph.D.

In this episode, I want to show you why most people get stuck there, and what it actually takes to grow beyond it, because here’s the truth most self-help gurus won’t tell you—real growth doesn’t come from doing more. It comes from doing differently, from being differently. What we’re diving into today is a framework that can explain almost everything about your current struggles, whether that’s in your relationships, your leadership, your emotional life, or your overall sense of worth. It’s what I’ve come to call the “three levels of personal growth.”

Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. You’ll start noticing who is operating from which level. You’ll see why certain people keep burning out, sabotaging love or feeling hollow, no matter how much they achieve, while others just seem to move through life with a kind of calm, grounded power. When you recognize what level you’re at, you’ll finally understand why things have felt harder than they need to be.

Here’s what’s at stake. If you stay stuck at Level 2, the self-improvement stage, you’ll keep chasing healing without ever feeling whole. You’ll keep seeking validation through being better. You’ll invest thousands of hours and dollars into growth and still feel unworthy when you’re alone in a quiet room. You’ll look like someone who does the work, but underneath you’re still driven by fear. [02:03.1]

This isn’t a knock on you. I’ve spent years trapped at Level 2, and so have most of my clients when they first came to me—these were successful founders, executives, doctors, lawyers, even therapists, people who knew the theory, who had done ayahuasca and breath work and inner child rituals, but they hadn’t yet made the shift into Level 3. That’s what this episode is here for. This isn’t a motivational pep talk. It’s a mirror, a map, and maybe for the few of you who are actually ready to live differently, it’s a way out.

I’m David Tian. For almost the past two decades, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries find fulfillment, success and meaning in their personal and professional lives, and in this episode, I’ve got three points, and this is the first—Level 2 looks like growth. It sounds like growth. It can even feel like growth, but for most people, it becomes a trap. [02:53.0]

Here’s how it happens. At Level 1, everything is about outer success, like making money, getting laid, winning status games, being admired, and this is where most people start. It’s like basic survival in a modern world. Just dressed up with Rolexes and Tinder bios. But, eventually, if you’re self-aware enough, you’ll hit a wall. You’ll realize that the wins don’t deliver the fulfillment you thought they would. You get the title, the girls, the cars, and the emptiness is still there.

So, what do you do? You pivot to self-improvement, and this is Level 2, and this is where things get tricky, because now it feels like you’ve made progress—you’re reading the books. You’re doing breath work. You’re journaling, meditating, listening to podcasts, like this one. You’re investing in coaching or therapy, or courses—but here’s the part no one tells you: the motivation underneath it all hasn’t changed. You’re still trying to prove something. You’re still afraid you’re not enough. You’re still trying to earn love by being better. You’ve swapped status-seeking for self-improvement-seeking, but it’s the same hamster wheel, just a different costume, and you don’t even realize you’re still performing. [04:08.2]

Here’s what this looks like in real life. You’re in therapy, but you keep treating it like a checklist. You go into coaching sessions trying to get the right answers. You share vulnerably on social media, but there’s a part of you secretly hoping it makes people think, Wow, he’s so deep. This is not healing. This is a more spiritualized form of the same fear. Let me give you an example.

A few years ago, I started working with a client. Let’s call him Mike, mid-30s, founder of what became a seven-figure business. He had read all the right books, had been in therapy for years, even did multiple plant medicine retreats, and on paper, it looked like he was doing everything right, but when we dug deeper into it, he was still riddled with anxiety. [04:56.1]

He obsessed over saying the wrong thing in conversations. He struggled with perfectionism in his business, which eventually got in the way of him scaling to bigger goals. In romantic relationships, he’d either chase women who didn’t really want him or run from the ones who did, and the worst part was that he thought all of this was a sign he needed more healing, more processing, more inner work.

But what was really happening was that he hadn’t yet realized he was still operating from the same place, fear, shame, performance, ego. His identity was still built around being the guy who grows and anything that threatened to that image triggered him. He was in Level 2 and running in circles.

What finally helped him break through was when we stopped trying to add more tools and started helping him get to know the parts of him that felt unworthy in the first place. We stopped fixing and we started listening, and there was a part of him that truly believed, “If I’m not improving, then I’m falling behind, and if I fall behind, then I will be abandoned.” [06:06.8]

That part of him carried so much pressure, so much panic, and underneath it was a scared little boy who had concluded early on in his life that love had to be earned, and until that part of him felt heard and held no mindset hack was going to help, and once we realized this, things really shifted for him. It wasn’t from reading another book. It wasn’t when he had another big emotional breakthrough, but it came from having him sit with himself in silence without needing to be better.

That’s when he finally started relaxing in conversations. That’s when he stopped overthinking every move. That’s when he felt, maybe for the first time, that he was actually enough, and the irony is that that’s when he started performing at his highest level, but he wasn’t doing it to prove anything anymore. He was just living in alignment with who he actually was. [07:08.0]

Here’s the takeaway—most people in Level 2 don’t realize that what they call growth is still just a kind of ego maintenance. If your version of healing is still trying to earn your worth, then you haven’t actually healed. You’ve just made your self-judgment sound more spiritual, and it’s not your fault. Our culture rewards this. Social media rewards this. Even most coaches and therapists will keep you stuck here, because it keeps you dependent. But if you’re ready to grow beyond this into something deeper, calmer, more authentic, then keep listening, because the next level isn’t about doing more. It’s about doing less, and it’s not for everyone. [07:51.8]

So, let’s get into it. Here’s the second point, what it actually takes to move into Level 3, into self-integration. It’s almost the opposite of what most people are doing in Level 2. Level 2 is a lot of doing, hustling to heal, constantly working on yourself, and if you’re wired like most achievers, that actually feels productive at first. It feels like you’re making progress. But Level 3 doesn’t come through adding more. It comes through letting go.

Now, not letting go in the motivational Instagram-quote way. I mean actually releasing the parts of you that have been gripping too tight for decades out of fear or shame, or frustration or confusion, and I mean meeting those parts with so much compassion that they finally feel safe enough to relax. They finally trust you. [08:46.0]

This isn’t about more tools or a better system, or optimizing your calendar to make space for a daily cold plunge. This is about getting underneath all the tools and hacks and self-analysis, and coming face to face with what’s been running your life from the shadows, the part of you that thinks it has to be perfect in order to be accepted, a part of you that can’t relax unless everything is under control, the part of you that panics when someone gets too close or when someone pulls away.

These parts aren’t the enemy. They’re not bad. They’re not broken. They’re simply trying to protect you. They picked up their strategies back when you didn’t have the resources or the understanding, or the safety or the emotional support to deal with what was actually happening, so they did their best and adapted. They made sure you got through, that you survived. But now, those strategies, those patterns, they’re not meant to run your adult life. What was adaptive before back then is now maladaptive, and this is when we get to Level 3. Level 3 is not self-improvement. It’s self-liberation. [09:58.0]

Let me walk you through how this works. Say, someone’s been struggling with relationships. They keep attracting emotionally-unavailable partners or they get close to someone and then suddenly lose interest, or they find themselves constantly scanning for signs that their partner might leave them.

Now, at Level 2, this person might dive into attachment theory. They might label themselves anxious or avoidant. They’ll journal about their patterns. Maybe they’ll go to therapy and trace it back to like how their mom treated them, and that’s all helpful to a point, but if they stop there, they’re still managing their parts, trying to control their reactions, telling themselves, “This is just my anxious part showing up again, so I need to breathe and override it.” They’re still in what therapists call resistance. They’re still trying to conquer themselves. Level 3 is when they finally turn towards these parts and ask, “What are you afraid will happen?” and then they just listen, not to fix, not to force them to change, just to understand. [11:04.4]

Maybe that part says, “If I don’t monitor them constantly, they’ll leave me,” and instead of saying that makes no sense, you say, “Yeah, I get that. I understand. That makes sense,” because maybe it was true once. Maybe they learned early on that love wasn’t stable, that safety meant being hypervigilant, that people left if you relaxed. When you can hold that part with compassion, without trying to shove it down or prove it wrong, then something softens. That’s the moment integration begins.

That’s when the healing begins, because emotional maturity isn’t suppressing your fear or outsmarting your triggers. It’s being able to stay present while two opposing feelings are alive inside you—love and fear, grief and relief, hope and doubt—holding them both there equally in your awareness, and being strong and courageous enough to accept them both there without needing them to change. This is what most high-achievers struggle with. [12:19.0]

They’ve been trained to eliminate contradictions or conflicts, to find a solution or an answer, the one mindset, the one model, the one fix, but humans aren’t spreadsheets. We have complexity built in and we are built for complexity, built to hold paradoxes, and integration means allowing your inner system to be a community, a family, not a dictatorship. It means letting all your parts have a voice, while your Higher Self, the calm, clear, compassionate center of you, takes leadership.

That’s when your decisions start coming from death, not panic or fear. That’s when you stop chasing love because you already are love. That’s when performance stops being about approval and starts being about expression. [13:13.8]

This is the shift that changes how you show up in every area of life. In relationships, you’re no longer trying to earn connection. You’re creating it from the inside out. In leadership, you’re not just managing people. You’re modeling integrity and emotional presence. In your personal life, you stop needing more and more wins just to feel okay. You’re not trying to be worthy. You just are.

Now, I get it, this might sound simple, but it’s not easy, especially if your whole identity has been wrapped around being the guy who is working on himself. But here’s the reframe—integration isn’t about fixing who you are. It’s about freeing who you are, the parts of you that got burdened with shame or fear, or control or people-pleasing, or hyper-independence. [14:06.3]

Those parts don’t need to be punished. They need to be understood and heard, and when they’re understood, they soften. They stop trying to run the show and they finally let your real Self lead, because they begin to trust. They begin to trust you, your True Self. That’s what Level 3 is. It’s not a hack. It’s a homecoming. [14:28.0]

Many high-achievers struggle when it comes to managing their emotions or navigating their relationships, and they hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you’ve noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.

That’s where David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It’s based on peer-reviewed, evidence-backed therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Here’s the third point. Most of the advice out there, even the stuff that sounds deep or sounds enlightened, keeps you stuck in Level 2, and this is not by accident, because Level 2 sells really, really well. Think about it, if you’re still walking around feeling like something is wrong with you and then someone comes along and says, “Hey, I’ve got the secret to fixing you,” you’re going to listen. You’re going to click. Maybe you even buy, because it fits with your preconceptions. Now, multiply that by millions of people, and welcome to the self-help industry. [15:52.3]

There’s a reason most advice stops at Level 2. It keeps you feeling broken, just enough to keep buying, but motivated enough to keep trying, and you stay stuck. Most dating advice is still Level 2. It’s all about optimizing your approach or saying the right things, or controlling outcomes or manipulating attraction. It’s still performance. It’s still based in fear. It’s still about trying to get approval from someone else to prove to yourself and to others that you’re good enough, that you’re worthy.

Most mindset training is the same thing. It’s not about emotional truth. It’s about thought control, “positive vibes only,” “reframe your way to peace and calm,” “your thoughts create your reality,” right? But if you’ve ever actually tried that while a part of you is freaking out about being abandoned or rejected or failing, then you already know that it doesn’t work, at least not for long. You end up gaslighting yourself into pretending you’re okay when you’re actually not. [16:56.0]

Even a lot of trauma-informed coaching stops short. It helps you name the wound, maybe even understand the root, but then it gives you another identity, “trauma survivor,” “healing in progress” or “on the journey,” which sounds great at first, but for a lot of people, it just becomes another way of saying, “I’m not there yet,” and the whole thing becomes yet another ladder to climb—and here’s the quiet part that rarely gets said. If your growth still depends on external success or someone else’s approval, then you haven’t left Level 2. You’re still measuring your worth based on how well you’re performing, still judging yourself by how others respond to you, still chasing the illusion that peace or love or confidence is waiting on the other side of one more breakthrough.

But transformation doesn’t happen when you get something. It happens when you drop these things, when you stop needing to prove anything, when you stop asking, “How do I win more?” and instead ask, “Who am I without this need to win?” [18:03.0]

That question will scare the hell out of many people, because if you’ve built your life on achievement or optimization, or high-performance growth, when your whole identity rides on this, then what happens when you’re not trying so hard? Who are you if you’re not the guy who’s working on himself? But that’s the door to Level 3. That’s the threshold, and most coaches and influencers won’t walk you through it because they haven’t gone through it themselves. They’re still building their identity on being high-value or in-demand, or alpha or even healed. They just gave their ego a more spiritual wardrobe. [18:46.5]

Now look, I’m not saying don’t invest in support. Level 2 is still valuable if you started from Level 1. I’m just saying, don’t get stuck at Level 2 like most people do. I’m not even saying don’t invest in support. I believe completely in guidance. I’ve worked with incredible teachers and therapists and coaches, and I still invest in myself in this way.

But here’s the difference—the ones who helped me the most weren’t trying to fix me. They weren’t trying to make me perform better. They were helping me come home to myself, helping me unburden the scared, hurt, protective parts that I’ve been carrying for years and showing me how to live from something deeper. That’s what real integration looks like. That’s Level 3.

That’s exactly why I’ve created the Platinum Partnership, my all-access pass to my online courses, as well as my therapeutic coaching groups, because I saw how many people were stuck in that Level 2 loop, hustling harder in their relationships, getting more aware but still insecure, building outer success, but secretly exhausted. [19:56.0]

They didn’t need another checklist. They didn’t need yet another script. They needed a proven path to integration, a way to grow out of the performance trap and into authentic peace, secure love, emotional maturity and true leadership. My work is not for people who want quick tips or dopamine hits. It’s for people who are ready to live differently or real. 

If any part of you is feeling the truth of what we’ve covered in this episode, if you know you’ve been running in circles at Level 2, then I invite you to explore the services and products that I have on my website at DavidTianPhD.com, because the truth is, there is a way forward, but it won’t come from proving more. It’ll come from releasing what’s been in the way all along.

Let’s bring this home. We covered three big points today.

First, Level 2, the self-improvement trap looks like growth, but it’s often just fear in disguise. You’re still performing, still trying to fix yourself to earn worth, and most people stay there for years, spinning in place. [21:00.6]

Second, the shift into Level 3, self-integration, doesn’t come from learning more. It comes from unburdening, from getting to know the parts of you that you’ve been trying to silence and exile, and finally, letting them feel safe and trusting you, and that’s how real peace starts. That’s how secure love and authentic leadership begin.

Third, most advice, especially the stuff that’s really popular, is designed to keep you stuck. The personal-development industry thrives on people who don’t feel whole. As long as you still feel like you need to be fixed, you’ll keep clicking, buying, chasing, and that means you never actually get free.

Now, here’s the hard truth—if you ignore all of this and stay at Level 2, you might still build a successful-looking life. You might get some wins, but inside, you’ll still feel like you’re not enough. You’ll still feel pressure to prove yourself every day. You’ll still feel like love is something you have to earn, and no matter how much you achieve, you’ll keep waiting for the day it finally feels okay to stop striving. [22:03.2]

But that day won’t come unless you make this shift, because this kind of Freedom doesn’t come from outside. It comes from inside, from finally letting go of the masks, from meeting the parts of you that got frozen in fear, from learning how to lead yourself from a deeper place. That’s where real confidence comes from, not the loud, flashy kind, the quiet kind, the grounded kind, the kind that doesn’t need to impress anyone, including yourself.

If this episode stirred something in you, if it hits you in a way that felt personal, then don’t brush it off. Don’t go back to the hustle. First, just sit with it, and if you’re ready to go deeper, to actually walk this path, I’ve built the Platinum Partnership all-access pass, as well as my therapeutic coaching groups and other coaching services, to guide you through it. [22:53.1]

Each of the 21 online courses in my Platinum Partnership is a step toward integration, toward secure love, true confidence and peace that doesn’t depend on performance. This is what life looks like on the other side of the self-help hamster wheel, more connection, less pressure, more presence, less pretending. It’s not easy, but it’s worth everything.Thank you so much for listening. If this has helped you in any way, please send it to anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you have any comments, I’d love to get your feedback. Leave a comment. Send me a message. I’d love to hear your feedback. If you like this, hit a like or give it a good rating on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [23:36.8]