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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Should You Hook Up On The First Date
David Tian Ph.D. explains why hooking up on the first date is more of a values issue.
David Tian Ph.D. tells men to know first what their ideals and principles are, to know what they stand for.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. advices men to just live according to their values.
In this episode, I talk about how to answer the question: Do you typically sleep with women on the first date?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Okay, so in this episode I’m going to be answering in that same email from before – this particular email was just loaded. So this question is – How do you handle the question: Do you typically sleep with women on the first date? All right, let’s just dive right into it. If a girl asks you do you typically sleep with women on the first date and you’re worried about how to answer this – and I think a lot of guys are. There’s still this values clash and conflict in them. So let’s just address this is important.
If this is a problem for you, it means that there’s some kind of values disconnect. In other words, this question could only be a problem for you if you actually sleep with women on the first date but you don’t want to admit it. The assumption underneath this is that you do sleep with women on the first date but you don’t want to admit it to women because it’s somehow shameful for you.
So you ask me, how do I handle this question? Otherwise you would just laugh it off or you tell the truth or whatever, right? So otherwise it would be an obvious thing to do – to answer. It’s a difficult question for you to answer because you have a values conflict here. You’re assuming that you shouldn’t be sleeping with women on the first date and in fact you are.
So that’s actually the fundamental problem. If you are experiencing a values problem, then stop doing that thing! You probably didn’t expect me to say that. You’re probably be like, “David, you are a despicable human being.” “David Tian, you have sex with so many women.” “David Tian, you are unethical, immoral, untrustworthy, dickhead, douche bag, womanizer. David Tian, that’s you right?”
And so, “Hey, David Tian would understand my question because he’s a despicable womanizer who sleeps with women on the first date. I’ll ask David. He’ll give me his bullshit answer that I can spit to a woman. And lie to her, because he must lie because he’s a despicable womanizer who sleeps with women on the first date – must be. So David would know how to lie.” So I’m sorry to tell you the truth. The truth is, I don’t share your set of values. I try to live as much as I can transparently and according to my set of values.
My answer would be that I would sleep with a woman when there’s chemistry – when I decide that she has met my standard for me sleeping with her and that I feel like it. I have this connection and I feel that there’s this physical and emotional connection. That’s it.
Now whatever conditions are required for you to go through with the act – if just time is one of those conditions, regardless of anything else – then first of all, you’ve got to answer the question why is just time a factor that you would do this? And as a human being you would realize that most people might think that time is a factor. Time should only be a factor if it gives you something else, like you need more time in order to see if there’s a connection. Or you need more time with her to see if there’s chemistry. Or you need more time to see whether she’s trustworthy.
Those are all good reasons for why time would be a factor. But then time isn’t the ultimate factor, time is a secondary factor. The primary factor’s whatever time gives you. Unless you know what it is that time gives you then time isn’t really a factor. So identify those things that you’re really looking for in order for you to decide if you’re going to go through with the sexual act or this person is worthy of becoming sexual with. Just start checking those boxes if that’s the thing. If there’s chemistry, if there’s connection, if there’s – for some guys it’s just: are you horny? But whatever your standards are, you want to stay to those standards.
Here’s the real problem for Michael – it’s that his standards don’t actually include time. His fake standards – the standards that he thinks he needs to hew to, that society has given him, includes time. But his personal standards don’t. And he’ll go and do it on the first date and now he doesn’t want to admit it. Think deeply about values. That’s why in almost all of our programs, we start off with talking about values.
We start off talking about what it is you stand for, what your ideals are, what your principles are. I’m talking about moral and ethical values. I’m not talking about social value but real values. And getting clear about what is good and evil for you, what’s right and wrong for you is really important because if you don’t live a life of integrity then you’ll keep living a closeted life.
So if you’re a closeted man, you’re not a real man. And Man Up’s about making real men and filling that gap between what women are really looking for – which is real men – and what they’re finding – which is closeted men. So if you’re in the closet about your moral values, you’re not going to be attractive.
You’re going to live a life of shame which basically is what’s going on. So get clear on why you think you ought to wait past the first date. If you have clear reasons for that, if you have well-defined and explicit philosophy to defend that belief then stick with it. Don’t compromise your own values just to get pussy. Otherwise, you might find that when you think more deeply about this question of why time is an issue, you’ll find that rationally speaking – it’s not.
So just live according to your values. Don’t live according to the values of the people you’re trying to kiss-ass to. I don’t know if this is a controversial thing to say in Singapore but: live according to your own values, man. So that’s it. That’s what I would say.
The actual question is: Do you typically sleep with women on the first date? The answer is: it depends. That’s what I would say. It depends why you’re asking. Are you thinking about that with me already? It’s just the first date, I’m not a slut. But then I say that and you’re all confused. So it’s just called flirting, okay? This is called flirting when you say things that are funny.
All right, so that is episode 12 – almost at the baker’s dozen. Make sure you go to the link under the video. Join the private Facebook group where you can interact with me personally. I will be reading all of the questions on there, all of the comments there. And you can vote up the questions you want answered. All right, so join our private Facebook group and I will see you there. I’ll see in the next Man Up episode, in the mean time – man up.