For years, I’ve had critics point to the old pickup artist vocabulary—terms like “shit tests” and “bitch shields”—as proof of misogyny.
Here’s the truth: the real problem with those terms isn’t just that they might be offensive. It’s that they’re false.
And if we actually want progress—in dating, in leadership, in culture—then truth matters more than whether a word offends.
The Old Story
Back in the early 2000s, pickup artists taught men that women would throw out “tests” to see if you were strong enough to stick around. A sarcastic comment, a laugh at your expense, or a bit of hesitation—all of that was framed as a “shit test.”
And “bitch shield” was their term for what they thought was fake hostility: a woman acting cold or dismissive until you broke through with persistence or clever lines.
I bought into these lessons for years. The narrative was seductive: women were obstacles, men had to decode or overpower them, and if you cracked the code, you won the game. It sounded empowering.
But it was a lie.
Why These Terms Fail
Here’s the problem. Women aren’t sitting around plotting “tests” or designing “shields.” They’re responding to lived experiences. Experiences of being lied to. Experiences of men hiding their intentions. Experiences of being judged for wanting sex or intimacy.
So what men misread as a “test” is often just a defense. A strategy to protect against more pain.
And when you frame a woman’s hesitation as combat, you’ve already lost the chance for real connection. You’re treating her like an opponent, not a human being.
That mindset poisons attraction at the root.
A More Accurate Lens
Psychoanalysis and modern therapy give us a better way to understand this. In Internal Family Systems therapy, we talk about “parts.” Protective parts that show up to keep us safe from shame or rejection.
So when a woman laughs off a compliment, that’s not a “shit test.” It may be a protective part that learned long ago not to take praise too seriously.
When she seems aloof, that’s not a “shield.” It may be the part of her that learned vulnerability leads to hurt.
This is Defense Psychology 101, not some misogynist mythology.
Why Men Cling to the Myth
So why do men hold onto these terms? Because they cover up shame.
When a man feels invisible, rejected, or unwanted, it hurts. And instead of facing that pain, it’s easier to tell himself a story like: “She’s testing me.” “She’s shielding.” Now it’s not his insecurity; it’s her game.
That narrative feels safer to him. But it keeps him stuck.
Worse, it fuels resentment. He sees women as tricksters rather than people also wrestling with their own fears.
Why Critics React with Outrage
Now, let’s flip the perspective. Why do these terms trigger such strong outrage from critics?
Because sexual shame cuts deep for everyone.
Women have carried centuries of purity codes, slut-shaming, and social policing. They’ve been judged harshly for the same desires men are praised for. That leaves a deep wound.
So when a man tosses around words like “shit test,” it reactivates that wound. Critics don’t just hear a silly phrase. They hear echoes of centuries of judgment and abuse. No wonder the reaction is so strong.
But outrage doesn’t heal. Shame fuels shame. And the cycle keeps spinning.
The Deeper Invitation
So what’s the way forward?
Not dismissing men as irredeemable. Not shaming women for defending themselves. And not canceling the conversation altogether.
The deeper invitation is curiosity. Compassion paired with logic.
For men, the better question isn’t, “How do I beat her test?” It’s, “What part of me feels so threatened by her pushback that I need to frame it as a game?”
For critics, the better question isn’t, “How do we cancel this?” It’s, “Why did these myths spread so widely, and what pain were they masking?”
And for all of us, the uncomfortable question is, “Why does this conversation stir so much in me? What shame of mine is being touched?”
Practical Takeaways
So let’s make this simple:
- Drop the myths. Not out of wokeness, but out of respect for truth.
- See women’s defenses not as games, but as legitimate protections.
- For men: true connection begins when you meet those defenses with honesty and transparency. Stop gaming, start listening.
- For critics: progress comes not from name-calling, but from engaging honestly with why these myths spread in the first place.
A Closing Challenge
Dropping false concepts like “shit tests” isn’t capitulation. It’s clarity. It’s compassion. And it’s the only way forward if we want to heal the sexual shame poisoning both sides.
So here’s the challenge I’ll leave you with:
What would change in our culture if men stopped seeing women’s defenses as games—and we stopped shaming men for their confusion? What if, instead, we met each other with honesty, curiosity, and dignity?
That’s the only path to authentic connection and true healing.
👉 You can listen to the full Beyond Success podcast episode here: “How Deep-Rooted Sexual Shame Cripples Connection & Creates Conflict”
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