Stop Playing the Blame Game: How to Own Your Sh*t & Transform Your Life | (#150) The Masculine Psychology Podcast with David Tian

Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.

David:

Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I’m David Tian, your host. In this episode, we’re tackling a powerful concept that can completely transform your life. This episode is all about taking full responsibility for your actions, emotions and personal growth.

Why is taking responsibility for yourself so important? Because it’s the key to breaking free from that stuck, powerless feeling that many of us experience in our lives and relationships at some point, and for many of us for long periods. We’ve all been there, feeling trapped, thinking there’s no way out. It’s easy to blame others for the situation, but that only keeps you in a cycle of helplessness. By taking responsibility fully, you reverse the pattern. You move from being a passive victim to an active creator of your life. [01:09.7]

I’ve seen it countless times in my private practice, clients come in feeling defeated, thinking they have no control, but as they start to take responsibility, their lives transform. They become more resilient. Their relationships improve and they feel more confident. This process isn’t easy, but it is necessary and it’s worth it.

Okay, so I’ve got five points for this episode, let’s dive right in. The first is on what it really means to take full responsibility, especially in the context of existential therapy, which I will also unpack. This concept of full responsibility is a major turning point in your therapeutic process. When you start to acknowledge your own role in shaping your life experiences, everything changes. [01:58.1]

So, what does it mean to take responsibility? It’s about realizing that you have more control over your life than you might think. It’s about owning your actions, your decisions, and their consequences. It means understanding that while you can’t control every event that happens to you, you can control how you respond, and this is crucial for personal growth and emotional health, and it means owning up to that small percentage, let’s say, of your role in creating this situation.

Imagine you’re in a tough spot in your relationship. Maybe you’re constantly arguing with your partner. It’s easy to blame them, right? You might think, If only he or she did this or didn’t do that, things would be better. But this mindset ends up keeping you stuck. You’re giving away your power. By taking full responsibility for yourself, you shift the focus from what they’re doing wrong to what you can do differently.

Okay, let’s look at an example. I had a client, let’s call him John. John was struggling in his marriage. He felt his wife didn’t appreciate him and was always criticizing him. During our sessions, John often blamed his wife for his unhappiness. One day, we discussed responsibility. I asked him to consider his role in their dynamic. [03:14.6]

Initially, of course, he resisted. It’s tough to face. But, slowly, he began to see how his reactions and behaviors contributed to their problems. John started to take ownership of his own actions. Instead of reacting defensively, he began to communicate more openly and honestly. He also started to set boundaries and express his needs calmly. Over time, his relationship improved. His wife noticed the changes in him and started to respond positively to him, and over time, they started to rebuild their connection. John ended up feeling more empowered and more in control of his life.

This shift from external blame to internal empowerment is transformative. When you stop pointing fingers and start looking inward, you gain the power to change your circumstances. You move from being a passive participant in your life to an active creator. [04:12.8]

Taking responsibility also means accepting that you are the author of your story, and this is a liberating realization. It’s not about blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong. Instead, it’s about recognizing your ability to influence your life’s direction. It’s about understanding that your choices matter.

Another example comes from my work with a client named Sam. Sam struggled with his career. He felt stuck in a job that he didn’t enjoy, but he kept blaming the economy and blaming his boss for his unhappy situation. During our work together, we explored this concept of taking full responsibility. [04:53.2]

Sam began to see that he had the power to make changes. He started to take steps toward finding a new job that aligned with his interests and passion. He also worked on improving his skills and expanding his network. Eventually, he landed a new job that he really liked. Sam’s journey, of course, wasn’t easy, but by taking full responsibility, he transformed his career and his life.

This process of taking full responsibility for ourselves can be challenging, of course. It requires honesty and courageous self-reflection. It can be uncomfortable to face our shortcomings and mistakes. But this discomfort is where growth happens. By owning your part in your experiences, you open the door to much faster and more effective personal growth and emotional fitness.

Now moving on to the second point, I’m going to introduce you to some key concepts in existential therapy, pioneered by the renowned and bestselling psychotherapist, Irvin Yalom. Yalom writes about four ultimate concerns: death, freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness. Let’s quickly break each of these down real quick. [06:06.7]

First, there’s death, and this is huge, of course, and I could easily devote a multi-week course just to examining death anxiety, but real quickly here, death is the one certainty that we all face. Many of us spend our lives trying to avoid, repress, suppress thinking about it, but Yalom suggests that confronting our mortality can actually be incredibly liberating. It reminds us that our time is limited, for example, which can motivate us to live more authentically and take full responsibility for how we spend our time.

The next concept is freedom. This isn’t just about political freedom or physical freedom. In existential therapy, freedom means realizing that we are the authors of our lives. We have the freedom to make choices, and with that freedom comes responsibility. It’s about understanding that our choices shape our reality. This can be empowering, but it also means we can’t blame others for our situation. We need to own our own decisions and their consequences. [07:10.4]

Then there’s isolation. Existential isolation is the idea that no matter how close we are to others, we’re ultimately alone in our experience of life, or especially our experience of death. This can be a tough pill to swallow. It’s natural to feel lonely or disconnected at times. However, taking responsibility for our own emotional needs can help us cope with this isolation. It means recognizing that while others can support us, they can’t fulfill our inner needs in any consistent or lasting way. We have to do that for ourselves.

Lastly, there’s meaninglessness. This is the idea that life doesn’t come with inherent meaning. We have to create our own purpose. This, of course, can be daunting, but it’s also a powerful realization. By taking responsibility for our own life’s meaning, we can find fulfillment in our own unique way. We get to decide what matters to us and to pursue it with intention. [08:14.2]

Okay, now, let’s focus a little bit more on existential isolation. This concept is especially relevant when we’re talking about taking full responsibility for ourselves. We all experience moments of feeling alone, even when we’re surrounded by people. It’s a fundamental part of the human condition to feel alone, but how we deal with these feelings can make a big difference.

When you take full responsibility for your own happiness and wellbeing, you start to see that you don’t need to rely on others in order to feel complete. This doesn’t mean you don’t need connections or relationships. Far from it. But it means that you recognize your own role in fulfilling your emotional needs. You stop expecting others to fix you or make you happy. Instead, you take charge of your own emotional health. [09:05.7]

For example, let’s say you’re feeling lonely. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, If only I had a partner, I wouldn’t feel this way. But this puts your happiness in someone else’s hands. When you take full responsibility for yourself, you start to look at what you can do to feel more connected. Maybe it means reaching out to your friends, or pursuing hobbies you love, or practicing some form of self-care more consistently or frequently. You become proactive about addressing your own feelings of isolation.

It can mean instead of constantly complaining about how others don’t understand you, you instead focus on how you can be better understood, or even more advanced, seeking a deeper level of understanding of the other person rather than needing to be understood. [09:55.2]

This shift in perspective is crucial. It’s about moving from a mindset of dependency to one of empowerment. You realize that while relationships are important, they’re not the sole source of your happiness. You have the power to create a fulfilling life on your own terms.

Taking responsibility also helps you build stronger relationships. When you’re not relying on others to meet all your emotional needs, you can approach relationships from a place of wholeness rather than neediness. This allows for more genuine connections. You’re not looking for someone to complete you, but rather to complement your life.

These existentialist ideas can be challenging to embrace, because they require us to face some uncomfortable truths about existence, but by confronting these ultimate concerns, we achieve a deeper understanding of responsibility. We learn to take control of our own lives, make more meaningful choices, and deal with the inherent loneliness of the human condition. [10:57.8]

Let’s shift gears here for our third point and look at how Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems therapy approach can help us make sense of this issue of taking full responsibility for our own lives. IFS therapy is an evidence-based psychotherapeutic approach of which I am a certified practitioner and a big fan of. I think it’s the best overall approach to psychotherapeutic issues. IFS is all about understanding the different parts within us and how they interact. It’s like having an internal family with each part playing a different role.

In IFS therapy, you have your core Self or what’s called your True Self, which is the true you, calm, compassionate, and centered. Then you have various parts of you, like protector parts and exiled parts. Protector parts tried to shield you from pain, while exiled parts are the most wounded parts of you that carry the concentration of that hurt and shame. The goal is to have your True Self lead your system with all of your parts working together or relating to each other harmoniously. [12:00.5]

When it comes to taking full responsibility for yourself, IFS can be incredibly helpful. First, you need to get to know your various parts that are involved with some situation. This means acknowledging and understanding the different voices and feelings inside you no matter how conflictual they seem. Maybe there’s a part of you that is scared of failure and another part that’s angry at past experiences.

By recognizing these various parts, you can start to see how they influence your behavior and your decisions, and then you can begin to build trusting relationships with your parts, listen to them without judgment, understand why they’re there and why they’re doing what they’re doing, and what they need. For example, your angry part might be protecting you from getting hurt again. By listening to it, you show compassion and you create space for healing.Once you’ve established a deeper connection or a trusting relationship, you can move into unburdening these parts. This involves helping them release the pain and negative beliefs they’ve been holding on to from the past. In the process, you acknowledge that while these parts were trying to protect you, their methods may no longer be serving you anymore. [13:14.0]

For example, if you have a part that avoids responsibility because it’s afraid of failure, you can work with that part to understand its fears, show it that you as the True Self can handle mistakes and learn from them, and this would help the part to relax and trust that you can take responsibility without leading into disaster.

Taking full responsibility for yourself also means understanding that your parts don’t define you. They are aspects of you, but they’re not the whole you. By leading from your core Self, you can make choices that align with your true values and desires, rather than being driven by fear or past wounds. [13:55.8]

In practical terms, you can start by paying attention to your internal dialogue. Notice when you’re feeling resistant or overwhelmed. You can ask yourself, “Which part of me is feeling this way?” and then engage with that part from a place of curiosity and compassion. This approach can help you take ownership of your actions and decisions in a balanced and healthy way.

Okay, so that was a very kind of oversimplified explanation of the IFS therapy process when it comes to taking responsibility for yourself. If this process interests you, I highly recommend you find an experienced and trained professional that can show you the ropes of how to do this process. I recommend that before you just dive in and try to do it yourself, maybe at least five to 10 sessions that are guided before relying on doing it yourself.

As you go through the process, if you’re doing it properly, you’ll experience taking responsibility as becoming more natural and less daunting. You’ll feel more in control and more aligned with your True Self. You can approach responsibility not as a burden, but as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. It’s about bringing all the different parts of you into harmony and leading your life with confidence and clarity. [15:11.5]

No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It’s why they can’t give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It’s why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.

Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.

Learn more about this transformational program by going to DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery.

That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Let’s get into some real life examples and therapeutic techniques that have helped clients reach this crucial turning point of taking full responsibility for themselves. I’m going to share some stories and methods that can illustrate how powerful this process of responsibility can be. [16:21.8]

Okay, let’s start with a client I worked with named Alex, let’s say. Alex came to me feeling stuck in his career and his relationship. He often blamed his boss for his lack of advancement at work and his partner for the constant tension at home. In our work together, it became clear that Alex was avoiding taking responsibility for his own actions and emotions.

To help Alex, I used a combination of existential confrontation and cognitive reframing. Existential confrontation is about facing uncomfortable truths head on, which requires courage. I asked Alex direct questions like, “What role do you think you play in your current situation? And how might your actions be contributing to these problems?” These questions challenged him to reflect deeply and consider his own part in his struggles. [17:15.5]

Now, both modern psychology and ancient wisdom traditions have a lot to say on this. From the psychological side, studies show that people who prioritize inner growth and meaningful relationships report higher levels of life satisfaction and happiness. It’s not the external achievements that fill their cup. It’s the quality of their experiences and the depth of their connections.

Now turning to ancient wisdom, let’s look at the great text, the Bhagavad Gita. This is an epic script from India that’s been guiding seekers for centuries. It teaches about karma yoga, the path of selfless action. Here, success isn’t measured by the outcome of your actions, but by the intent and effort that you put into them. It’s about doing your best in the present moment without attachment to how things will turn out. [17:15.3]

At first, Alex was defensive. It’s a natural reaction, but gradually, he started to see patterns in his behavior. For example, he realized he often reacted impulsively and defensively at work, which strained his relationships with his colleagues and his boss, and at home, he would shut down emotionally leading to more conflict with his partner, and we use cognitive reframing, which involves changing the way you perceive situations.

Instead of seeing himself as a victim of his circumstances, Alex started to view himself as an active participant with the power to change the situation. We worked on shifting his mindset from “This is happening to me” to “I have a role in what’s happening and can influence the outcome.” [18:03.6]

Alex began to take small but significant steps. He started by improving his communication at work, expressing his ideas more clearly and listening more attentively to his colleagues. At home, he opened up more emotionally with his partner, sharing his feelings and concerns as honestly as he could. Over time, these changes lead to better relationships, both at work and at home.

Another example is, let’s call him Emilio. Emilio struggled with feelings of isolation and loneliness. He often felt disconnected from others and blamed his past experiences for his current state. He believed that his painful childhood made it impossible for him to form close relationships.

With Emilio we went through the IFS therapeutic process and helped him understand and take responsibility for his feelings. In IFS, we recognize that different parts of us hold different emotions and beliefs. We aim to let the Higher Self, the core calm and compassionate part of us, lead that process. [19:07.1]

In our work together, Emilio identified parts of himself that felt isolated and unworthy of love. These parts were exiles, holding deep-seated pain from his past. He also had protectors that kept him from forming close relationships out of fear of getting hurt again.

By acknowledging these parts and understanding their roles and how they got to be that way, Emilio began to see that while his past experiences influenced his feelings, he had the power to change his present situation. He worked on building a relationship of trust with his parts, showing them compassion and understanding, and checking in with him constantly, and this allowed his Higher Self to lead making more conscious and empowered choices. [19:53.8]

Emilio started to take more responsibility for his social life. He reached out to old friends, joined new social groups, and practiced being more vulnerable and open in his interactions with trusted people. This process was challenging, but with time, Emilio felt more connected and less isolated. He realized that he had the power to create meaningful relationships despite his past.

Now, let’s discuss the role of the therapist in facilitating this process, or the coach. As the therapist or coach, we must strike a balance between support and challenge. Too much support can lead to dependency while too much challenge can cause defensiveness and resistance.

In my own work, I aim to create a safe and supportive environment where clients can feel understood and validated, and this support helps build trust, which is essential for deeper work. At the same time, I make sure to challenge my clients to confront uncomfortable truths, and to help them take responsibility for their own actions and own emotions. This balance helps clients to grow and empower them in the most efficient way possible to take control of their lives. [21:08.3]

For example, with Alex, I supported him by acknowledging his feelings and validating his experiences, but I also challenged him to look at his own role in his problems and encouraged him to take proactive steps to change his situation. With Emilio, I provided a safe space for him to explore his inner parts, while gently pushing him to take more responsibility for his own and current feelings and actions.

Therapeutic coaches guide clients in developing practical skills and strategies. This might involve teaching communication skills or stress-management techniques, or mindfulness practices, and these tools help clients navigate their lives more effectively and to help them take more responsibility for themselves in practical ways. [21:55.1]

Taking full responsibility for yourself requires courage, honesty, and the willingness to face uncomfortable truths, but the rewards, of course, are immense. By taking full responsibility for yourself, you regain control over your own life. You improve your relationships and you live more authentically.

Now we move to the fourth point out of five, which is all about how taking responsibility impacts your relationships and your personal development. This shift transforms not just how you interact with others, but also how you see yourself and live your life.

Okay, so first, let’s talk about relationships. When you take responsibility for your own actions and emotions, you stop blaming others for your problems. This change leads to healthier and more authentic interactions. Instead of pointing fingers, you start to look at what you can do differently, and this creates a more constructive dynamic in your relationships. [22:51.1]

For example, imagine you’re in a disagreement with your partner. Instead of immediately blaming them for how you feel, you pause and reflect on your own role. You can ask yourself, “How am I contributing to this situation?” This self-awareness allows you to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts more constructively. Your partner will likely appreciate your maturity and willingness to take ownership, which strengthens the bond between you.

Taking full responsibility for yourself also means setting healthy boundaries. You recognize your own needs and express them clearly. This helps to prevent resentment in you from building up, and as a result, your relationships become more balanced and satisfying.

Now, let’s connect this to personal development. Taking responsibility boosts your self-awareness, you start to notice patterns in your behavior and understand why you react the way you do. For example, maybe you realize that you tend to shut down emotionally when faced with criticism. By taking full responsibility for yourself, you acknowledge this pattern and work on becoming more open and resilient. This process involves self-reflection, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about yourself. [24:03.6]

Responsibility also builds resilience. When you accept that you have control over your responses, you become less vulnerable to external factors. You understand that while you can’t control everything that happens to you, you can control how you deal with it, how you respond to it. This mindset makes you more adaptable and better equipped to handle life’s challenges.

Autonomy is another key benefit and need that gets fulfilled. When you take responsibility for yourself, you stop waiting for others to solve your problems. You take charge of your life and make decisions that align with your values and goals, and this sense of autonomy is empowering. It allows you to pursue your passions and live authentically.

Let’s not forget the long-term benefits like improved mental health. Taking responsibility helps you break free from a victim mentality, which can be draining and disempowering. Instead you feel more in control and capable of navigating life’s ups and downs, and this shift reduces anxiety, reduces depression and boosts overall wellbeing. [25:10.1]

Another major benefit is living a more fulfilling life. When you take responsibility for yourself, you create a life that reflects your True Self. You make choices that align with your values and bring you joy. You stop settling for less and start striving for what truly matters to you.

For example, let’s say you’re unhappy in your job. Instead of blaming your boss or the company, you take full responsibility for your own career satisfaction. You assess what you can do to improve your situation. This might involve seeking new opportunities, or furthering your own education, or developing your own or new skills. By taking proactive steps, you move towards a more fulfilling career that aligns with your passions and strengths. [25:55.8]

In relationships, this fulfillment translates to deeper connections. When you’re responsible for your own happiness. You’re not looking to others to fill a void. You enter relationships from a place of wholeness, which allows for more genuine and meaningful connections with others. You appreciate your partner for who they are, not for what they can do for you.

Let’s look at another example. Let’s take Sam. Sam struggled with feeling unfulfilled and disconnected in his social life. He often blamed his friends for not understanding him or not making enough effort. Through the therapeutic process, Sam started taking responsibility for his own social fulfillment. He reached out to people who shared his interests. He initiated activities that he enjoyed and he communicated his needs more clearly. Over time, Sam built a supportive and fulfilling social circle that made him feel connected and valued. [26:52.2]

The impact of taking responsibility for yourself extends to all areas of your life. It influences your career, your friendships, family dynamics, and even how you view yourself. It’s a fundamental shift that permeates everything you do. Taking full responsibility for yourself, transforms your relationships and your personal growth. It leads to healthier, more authentic interactions. It increases your self-awareness, your resilience, your autonomy, and it brings these long-term benefits like improved mental health, and experiencing a more fulfilling life. It’s about taking control and creating a life that truly reflects who you are in what you value.

Okay, so now we move into the fifth and final section, and here I’d like to examine the challenges and resistance that you might face when you start accepting full responsibility for yourself. This process isn’t easy, so it’s normal to encounter obstacles along the way, but with patience, empathy and persistence, you can overcome these hurdles and experience transformative growth. [27:54.7]

Okay, so one common challenge is the fear of failure. Many people resist taking responsibility for themselves, because they’re afraid of making mistakes or facing criticism. This fear can be paralyzing, which can lead to avoidance or denial. But it’s crucial to remember that failure is a part of the learning process, of course. Embracing full responsibility for yourself means accepting that you will make mistakes, but also that you can learn from them and, as a result, grow stronger.

Another challenge is the ingrained habit of blaming others. It’s often easier to point fingers and avoid looking at your own role in a situation. This habit can be very deeply rooted, especially if it’s been a coping mechanism for a long time. Breaking this habit requires conscious effort and monitoring and self-reflection. Start by catching yourself when you’re about to blame someone else and pause. Reflect on your own actions and consider what you could have done differently. [28:53.6]

A significant resistance can come from the discomfort of facing painful emotions. Taking responsibility means confronting feelings of shame, of guilt or regret, and these emotions can sometimes be overwhelming and it’s natural to want to avoid feeling even a little bit of them, but facing them head on is a necessary step in the process.

Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment. Understand that they are a part of your growth journey. To overcome these challenges, patience is key. Of course, change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process that requires consistent effort. Be kind to yourself along the way and recognize that progress takes time, and in fact, this is the very stuff of life, so as much as you can, lean into the process. Celebrate small victories along the way and don’t be hard on yourself when you stumble. Take a much longer-term perspective. [29:51.7]

Empathy is a very powerful tool here for this. Extend empathy to yourself and to others. Understand that everyone has their struggles and that it’s therefore okay to feel vulnerable, obviously. By practicing self-compassion, you create a supportive inner environment that speeds up and fosters growth. When you enter into empathy with others, you build stronger and more understanding relationships.

Continuous encouragement is very helpful here. Surround yourself with people who support your growth journey. Seek out mentors, friends, coaches, therapists who can provide guidance and encouragement. Sometimes an outside perspective can help you see things a lot more clearly and stay motivated.

Alright, let’s recap the major points we’ve covered today. We started by exploring what it means to take full responsibility for your actions, emotions and personal growth. We discussed the key concepts from Irvin Yalom’s existential therapy, focusing on how confronting ultimate concerns, like death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness, helps us understand our own responsibility for ourselves. [30:57.7]

We also delved into Richard Schwartz’s IFS therapy approach, looking at how recognizing and working with our internal parts can lead us to take full responsibility for ourselves. We talked about the impact that this shift has on our relationships, leading to healthier and more authentic interactions. By taking responsibility for yourself, you gain increased self-awareness, resilience and autonomy, which contribute to personal development and fulfillment.

We also address the common challenges and resistance that you might face, along with strategies to overcome them, emphasizing the importance of patience, empathy, and persistence. Understand this, if you constantly blame others for your problems, and refuse to acknowledge your own role in your own happiness or unhappiness, you will remain stuck in a cycle of victimhood. Your relationships will suffer as you push away those who care about you, and you’ll likely experience increased anxiety and increased depression. [31:56.7]

Without taking full responsibility for yourself, you miss out on personal growth and never realize your full potential. Your life becomes a series of missed opportunities and unfulfilled dreams, leaving you with a sense of regret and dissatisfaction. But when you embrace this mindset of responsibility, you become the architect of your own destiny. You build healthier, more authentic relationships, because you communicate more openly and take ownership of your own actions. Your increased self-awareness allows you to identify and change unhelpful patterns, leading to personal growth and resilience.

In your professional life, taking full responsibility for yourself means you actively seek out opportunities for growth and development. You’re not afraid to take risks and learn from your mistakes, and this proactive approach leads to greater success and satisfaction in your career.

In your personal life, you build deeper connections with others, because you approach relationships from a place of wholeness. You’re not looking for someone else to complete you, but rather to complement your life. This shift allows for more genuine and meaningful interactions, bringing more love and happiness into your life. [33:11.6]

By taking full responsibility for your own happiness and fulfillment, you unlock more of your true capacities and potential. You become a more resilient, self-aware empowered person, capable of navigating life’s challenges with confidence and with grace. Your life becomes a reflection of your Higher Self, filled with purpose, joy and meaningful connections.

Thank you so much for listening. If you’d like this in any way, hit a like or a follow, or subscribe on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. Thank you so much again for listening. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [33:50.4]