What Makes or Breaks Intimate Connections & Lasting Attraction | (#126) The Masculine Psychology Podcast with David Tian

Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.

David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I’m David Tian, your host. In this episode, we’re diving deep into the heart of what makes or breaks intimate connections and lasting attraction. We’re exploring the essential component that, without it, leaves relationships fleeting and unfulfilling. You’re about to discover the key to not just attracting a great partner, but also creating a bond that’s rich, deep and long lasting. Let’s start with this bold claim: presence is the single most crucial element for generating deep connections, lasting attraction and loving intimacy. [00:57.4]

You might be wondering why presence is that vital. Here’s the thing. Without presence, the best that you can hope for in the dating and relationships realm would be a series of shallow relationships, fleeting one-night stands or short-lived flings. Now, this might seem appealing to some guys at first, but it’s a superficial and ultimately deeply unsatisfying path.

Presence goes beyond the physical. It’s not just about being physically present or even just physically attractive, which might get you attention, but won’t sustain a meaningful relationship. And it’s not about wealth. Sure, money can attract people, but without presence, you’ll never know if they’re drawn to you or to your bank balance. You’ll be left questioning the authenticity of every connection, potentially attracting gold diggers or people who are more interested in what you can offer them materially rather than who you are at your core. [01:57.3]

The absence of presence in relationships leads to a lack of genuine emotional connection. You might find yourself just going through the motions, lacking real engagement or depth in your interactions over time, and this would leave both you and your partner feeling isolated and unfulfilled, even when you’re physically together. It’s like being with someone physically yet feeling alone, a paradox that’s actually all too common in today’s fast-paced, surface-level social world.

Okay, so let’s define presence. What is it? Why is it so crucial? And how can it transform your relationships, indeed, your whole experience of life itself? Presence is about being fully engaged in the moment, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. It’s about engaging with your partner, listening deeply, sharing your authentic self. Presence allows for vulnerability, deepens trust, and fosters genuine emotional connections. It’s the foundation on which lasting relationships are built. A relationship in which presence is absent is a relationship in which you’re just going through the motions, like two robots who happen to share the same physical space. [03:13.4]

In relationships and in life in general, presence is the cornerstone of meaningful interactions and deep connections. But what does it really mean to be present? It’s more than just showing up. It’s about being fully engaged, not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically. Presence is that quality that allows us to be truly with someone to understand them and to be understood in return.

Being physically present is straightforward—you’re there in the same room at the same table or walking side by side, or maybe you’re both present in the Zoom Room or in the virtual video call—but emotional and psychological presence is a much deeper layer or layers. This means that your mind isn’t wandering to the next thing on your to-do list or what you’re going to say next, or the text message that you’re going to send or just received, or what happened earlier in the day. You’re not just hearing the words the person is saying to you. You’re actively listening, understanding and engaging with them. [04:16.7]

In the area of dating and initial interactions, presence has an immense impact. When you’re fully present, it shows up in your nonverbal cues, the way you make eye contact, the attentiveness of your posture, the genuineness of your reactions. These signals communicate genuine interest, respect and attraction far more powerfully than any canned line ever could. They make your date feel seen, heard, understood and valued, which is a universal fantasy for feminine women and a potent foundation for lasting attraction.

I didn’t really understand what presence was until I learned the hard way that I often wasn’t present unless I was doing it for specific purposes, and even then I didn’t realize that that was called being present or having presence. For me, 15 years ago, being present simply meant being there physically, like taking the roll call every morning in school, and when the teacher called your name, you would say, “Present.” [05:18.4]

So, for the average guy like myself, this word “presence” is being used in a special way as a term of art. It doesn’t mean just hearing what the other person is saying or paying attention to what they’re saying. It’s especially not just looking at the other person while waiting for your turn to speak. Presence is about truly deeply understanding your partner’s perspective, feeling their emotions, and responding in a way that shows you’re connected to their experience empathically. This form of presence builds a bridge of emotional connection, and it fosters intimacy and trust. [05:58.0]

Let’s explore how presence plays out in some real life scenarios. Okay, so let’s take a situation where you’re on a date. If you’re genuinely present, you will notice the subtleties of your date’s behavior, the way her eyes light up when she talks about a particular subject, the slight shift in tone that suggests excitement or apprehension. This awareness allows you to respond in a way that deepens the conversation and your connection.

But presence isn’t just vital in the early stages of dating. It’s equally important, if not more important, in long-term relationships. Here, presence means being in tune with your partner’s evolving needs and desires and feelings. It’s about continuously discovering who this person is as she continues to change and grow, and sharing yourself in the same way.

So, how do we cultivate this quality of presence? I’ll be going into a lot more detail on this in this episode, as well in future episodes. I also have an online program called Emotional Mastery that has 10 entire modules dedicated to the practice of presence. But I’ll just mention some things here so that you have an idea of what it means to be present. [07:07.1]

Presence starts with self-awareness, recognizing when we’re distracted or preoccupied, disengaged, or we’re in our own heads, focusing on ourselves, self-centered or self-absorbed, and then consciously shifting our focus back to the present moment. This is a skill that can be developed through things like mindfulness practices or meditation, which train the mind to be more attuned and stay in the present.

But it’s also about setting intentions for our interactions. For example, before a date or a significant conversation with your partner, you can take a moment to center yourself, or in the middle of the interaction, if you find your mind has wandered or you’re thinking about something other than what she is feeling or what she’s saying, or if you’re in your head about yourself, you can just bring yourself back to focus on the present, remind yourself of the importance of this interaction, and commit to being fully there, both physically and emotionally. [08:07.4]

This applies equally to parents who are with their young children. This intentionality can transform the quality of your connections, leading to deeper, more meaningful relationships, because you keep bringing your focus back to the present moment back to the person you’re with. Ideally, you wouldn’t have to bring the focus back to this person or the present moment. You would just stay there in the present moment, because your presence is that strong.

Presence is more than just showing up. It’s about being fully engaged on every level. It’s the difference between a superficial interaction and a deep meaningful connection, and it’s a quality that can be cultivated with intention and practice. Again, and let’s take the example of the dating context, presence, again, isn’t just about being there physically. It’s a gateway to building genuine connections and sparking attraction that goes beyond the superficial. [09:01.6]

When you’re truly present with your date or with a woman you’ve just met, you’ve created environments like a bubble where a meaningful connection can be established and can flourish, and your presence signals your genuine interest in who they are, what they think, how they feel, rather than just how they look or just going through the motions of, let’s say, a typical date.

Presence is not just about being in the same room with this woman that you’re attracted to. It’s about immersing yourself in her experience of the world at that moment. It’s about connecting with her on a more profound, deeper level. When you’re with her, it’s about more than just physical proximity. It’s about bridging the emotional distance. You give her the gift of your full attention, unadulterated and free from the noise of your own insecurities or inner distractions. Look into her eyes, not just to see the color or shape of her eyes, but to in a way peer into her soul, her inner experience, to feel the emotions that she’s feeling. [10:01.9]

True presence requires that you’re not self-centered, or self-absorbed in that moment. It requires you to set aside all thoughts of yourself. Your focus is not on “What should I say next?” or “How do I look?” Instead, you’re there to feel what she feels to understand her inner world, her inner experience, and this is the essence of empathy. By tuning into her with every clue she provides from the tone of her voice to the subtlest of gestures, you’re saying, without words, “I am here with you completely,” and this is deep presence. This total attunement to her is inherently attractive.

Women fantasize about being desired by powerful men, and if you have the courage to be fully present, which requires you also to be vulnerable, and to put thoughts of yourself and your self-centeredness and self-absorption out of your mind, then you are powerful, and by focusing your spotlight on her fully, she feels your genuine and authentic desire. It’s not about losing yourself. It’s about offering your genuine self, unguarded, courageous and attentive. [11:08.4]

Presence is required to ignite that emotional contagion, that shared feeling that draws her to you, creating a bond that goes beyond the superficial. If you’re familiar with my old pickup course from over 15 years ago, it was called the Desire System, it arose out of this understanding of presence, the emotional contagion, which is the basis of the Desire System, the emotional activation system that works through the mirror neurons, as well as other neuro psychological mechanisms, forces you to be fully present with the woman you’re with. If you’re doing it correctly, you are actually fully present with her there in that moment.

It turns out one of the reasons why the system, which is incredibly simple and yet incredibly powerful, was actually hard for the average guy to implement who just watches the videos online is because it required being present, and it turns out, most guys aren’t able to get out of themselves and step out of their own self-absorption, their own insecurities, and so on, and actually be present with the woman they’re with. [12:12.0]

In fact, they’re not present most of their lives. They’re not present with me. If they ever meet me for coaching, I can see that their minds, because their eyes are darting here and there, side to side and up and down, they’re not really there with me, not fully listening.

They’re in their own head about their own fears and insecurities, and most of the time in life, I can see that they’re just sort of walking around in the kind of daze, not fully mindful, not fully there in the present moment, perhaps because of and very often actually because of unexamined childhood trauma or micro traumas that they’ve not attended to that are burdening their minds and blocking their ability to be present with a woman, so that even when they’re standing there in front of a woman, saying the words that they’re supposed to say, their lack of emotional presence creeps her out, because it signals to her that he’s not courageous enough or emotionally mature enough, or self-aware enough to actually be there present with her. [13:05.1]

But in terms of things you do or say, or even wear, presence is by far the simplest. It just means your full focus in the present moment in the here and now with her. When you’re with a woman that you like, whether it’s your first date or the thousandth moment together, remember, true presence is your most powerful ally. It’s not just about the connection that you build, but the desire you communicate through your undivided focus and attention. That is the foundation of a connection that can weather any storm.

No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It’s why they can’t give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It’s why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.

Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.

Learn more about this transformational program by going to DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery.

That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Now let’s talk about presence versus performance. In dating, there’s a fine line between being authentically present and putting on a performance just to impress her. Authentic presence requires being comfortable in your own skin, fully accepting of all of your parts, physical and psychological, and interacting naturally. It creates a relaxed environment where both you and your date can be yourselves. [14:58.0]

On the other hand, focusing on performance using canned lines or copying and pasting text messages, or overthinking your actions or trying too hard to impress. These all can lead to anxiety and prevent genuine connection. It’s like wearing a mask. It might attract someone initially, but it’s the real you that they’re going to need to be in a relationship with, not the persona that you put on for the date.

Now, there are levels to presence. The most advanced levels would involve that deep empathic understanding and being with the other person, feeling what they’re feeling, completely coming out of yourself and not thinking about yourself in that context at all, but fully entering into her experience, and that level is really hard to describe with words. It’s best experienced from the inside.

But a more beginner level of presence, which is what I started with and practiced for many years before even knowing what presence was, is a kind of active listening. I developed this for academic contexts, but it came in really handy when I wanted to get better with women, especially those first couple of years when I was juggling all of this memorized material that was crowding my head. [16:07.2]

This beginner-level skill, and even those who are advanced in presence could really benefit from this if they aren’t you doing this on a regular basis, is what I would call active listening. In a dating context, it would be like this. When you’re with a woman that you’re really attracted to, you probably go into your head. Most guys do because of their insecurities “How do I look? Does she like me? And what should I say next?” and they’re actually not listening fully to her, they’re just hearing her words. They’re not really there with her. They’re in their own heads about themselves.

Here’s a very easy technique that you can use in a dating context or in a social setting, or even in an academic setting in which you have to take notes, or in a boardroom, to force yourself to stop thinking about yourself. While the other person is speaking, repeat in your mind what they’ve just said. Super simple, right?

For example, if she says, “Tonight, I discovered this really great Irish bar down the street from my place,” instead of thinking about what you’re going to say in reply to what she’s just said, just think about what she said. You replace the dialogue in your head with what she has just said. [17:07.8]

If she says, “I just discovered tonight this bar down the street from my house, and it was awesome,” you’re saying in your head, “I’ve just discovered this bar down the street near my house, and it was awesome.” You’re going to be about a split second behind her as she’s saying it in your own head, repeating it, but what she’s going to experience is “This man is really with me and what I’m sharing. He’s really trying to understand and keep up with what I’m sharing,” and that’s just the basic level of just information. What she is sharing, you are listening to that. You’re not in your head about something else. You’re actually there with what she is saying.

I perfected this in an academic context when I went from a B- average in my first year to an A+ average in my second year. My public high school in Canada did not prepare us students for taking notes while the teacher was talking for three hours straight. Instead, in my public school, if it was important, the teacher wrote it on the chalkboard, and if it wasn’t important, they would just say it, but you didn’t have to remember it. [18:05.1]

This did not prepare me well for a 700-seater university lecture hall where the professor just talks. That first year, I drowned. I didn’t know how to take notes properly. I looked at the students to my left and right and front and back, and they didn’t know what they were doing taking notes either. They also didn’t know how to read the readings. I saw just the yellow highlighter highlighting entire paragraphs, and then for most students, their minds would just wander as the professor was talking. They just daydream about things.

What I discovered is, in order to figure out what the most important information would be, I’d have to first listen to the professor actively about relatively dry and maybe even boring material. So, I repeated in my mind every word that came out of the professor’s mouth. Usually the classes would last an hour, an hour and a half, but sometimes we’d go three hours straight. While most of the other students I saw took maybe one page of notes, I would take four to six pages of notes, because I was right there with the professor on every word that he was saying. [18:59.7]

But I wasn’t transcribing the words, but because I was saying the words back in my head, I eventually was able to learn, to sift through what were the most important key words and phrases, what were the key themes and ideas, because I’m repeating them in my head, so they have a second life in my head, I’d get two at-bats to figure out the important material. I spent almost 15 years of my life as a student and then as a professor in the universities, and I tell you, at least 90 percent of students are not present in their university lecture halls.

Okay, so to illustrate some of these points, take the case of Alex. It’s not his real name, but it was a client that I worked with who struggled with dating anxiety. Alex was always preoccupied with impressing his dates, which made him come across as inauthentic and often left him feeling drained.

Through mindfulness practices and meditation, and the practices that I cover in my program Emotional Mastery, and practicing active listening as I’ve just described to you, Alex learned to focus on the present moment during his interactions with women. He started to engage in conversations more deeply, more authentically, listening actively, and responding genuinely. [20:09.1]

This shift not only reduced his anxiety, but also led to deeper connections with his dates and with the women that he met. They started to see and feel the real Alex and he found that his dates were more interested in him when he was just being himself in this way, and honing his practice of presence forced him to come out of his self-absorption and actually be there fully present, and that’s what they responded to.

In dating, the benefits of presence are clearly profound and far-reaching. Presence allows for building deeper connections, fostering attraction beyond just looks, creating a comfortable environment for both you and your date. Remember, the goal of dating is to find someone who connects with the real you and that starts with being present. [20:53.4]

How about in the realm of intimate relationships where presence is the cornerstone of deep connection and enduring love, especially in intimate relationships? Presence isn’t just about being there physically with your partner. It’s about being there emotionally and mentally. When you’re present, you’re fully engaged in the moment, attuned to your partner’s feelings, and invested in understanding their point of view. This level of attention and care builds trust, understanding, and a stronger, more lasting bond between partners.

Presence in relationships goes beyond just mere listening, right? It’s about being fully immersed in the experience with your partner, whether that’s a conversation or a shared activity, or even a silent moment. This type of engagement shows your partner that they are seen, heard, understood and valued. It creates a safe space where both partners feel comfortable to express themselves openly without fear of judgment or dismissal, and in this space is where emotional intimacy flourishes. [21:55.4]

Presence is also crucial in conflict resolution. In disagreements, it’s easy to become defensive or dismissive, but being present allows you to approach conflicts, fights, with empathy and understanding. It means actively listening to your partner’s concerns, without being in your head preparing your rebuttal. This approach can lead to more effective communication, helping both partners feel heard and respected, which is, of course, the key to resolving conflicts in a smooth and amicable way.

Okay, let’s look at a case study of a couple, Sara and Tom, who came to me for counseling. Again, those aren’t their real names. Their main issue was a lack of communication and understanding. Tom felt like Sarah was always complaining and never happy with anything he did. Sarah felt Tom was distant and uninterested in her life.

During our sessions, it became apparent that Tom’s lack of presence in their interactions was a major contributing factor. He was physically there, yeah, but his mind was often elsewhere thinking about work or the workout he’s got to do, or other things. [23:01.5]

Through the therapeutic process, Tom learned the importance of being present. He started to actively listen to Sarah, not just hearing her words, but also understanding her emotions, and the message and intention behind her words. He began to engage more in their conversations, asking deeper questions, showing genuine interest in her feelings and experiences, and especially in her past, in the bigger context for why she’s feeling this way.

This shift in behavior had a profound impact on their relationship. Sarah felt more valued and understood, which in turn made her more appreciative of Tom’s efforts. Their arguments decreased a lot and they developed a deeper, more meaningful connection.

So, the benefits of being present in your intimate relationships is vast. It strengthens the bond between partners. It enhances the emotional intimacy. It builds trust and understanding. It helps to resolve conflicts and any misunderstandings, and it plays a crucial role in recognizing and responding to your partner’s emotional needs. Being present in your relationships also helps a lot to deescalate escalating conflict. [24:13.7]

Practicing presence in your relationship is investing in the emotional wellbeing of your partner and your relationship, and the growth overall of your relationship. Remember, like any skill, presence can be developed and improved over time. The more you practice it, the more natural it becomes and the stronger your relationship will grow.

In the next podcast episode, I’m going to be covering in revealing the biggest obstacle for most men especially, but just especially for achievers, the biggest obstacle to being present naturally, because I believe that being present is our natural state. If you see a child playing or exploring, you can see that they’re fully present in that moment, and it’s later on that we have these barriers that come up to our natural presence. So, in the next episode I’ll be revealing and exploring the biggest obstacle for most people when it comes to presence, especially for achievers. [25:09.7]

Overall, in the journey of personal growth and development, presence stands out as a fundamental skill with far-reaching long-term benefits. It’s not just a tool for deepening relationships, but it’s also a pathway to living a more fulfilled and conscious life. When we talk about presence in the realm of dating and relationships, it extends far beyond those initial interactions.

Cultivating presence leads to stronger, more genuine relationships. It enhances your overall dating experience. But its influence doesn’t stop there. Presence is transformative, impacting every aspect of our lives, like I mentioned earlier about the academic context. But even more, consider the long-term advantages of being present. Being present allows us to experience life fully, without the distractions of past regrets or future anxieties. It’s in the present moment that we find the clarity and focus needed to pursue our goals and live according to our true values. [26:05.0]

From a therapeutic perspective, presence is also a gateway to self-awareness. When you’re truly present, you become more attuned to your own thoughts, feelings and inner reactions. This heightened awareness is the first step towards personal growth, real personal growth. It enables you to identify patterns in your behavior, understand your emotional triggers, and work towards changing negative thought patterns. Being present means you are more in tune with your inner self, your values and what truly brings you joy and fulfillment.

Presence, moreover, is essential for our mental and emotional wellbeing. When we are truly present, we are fully engaged in our experiences, which, of course, leads to a richer, more vibrant life. Presence would help them in managing stress, reducing anxiety, promoting a sense of calm and peace. It allows you to appreciate the small joys and victories of everyday life, fostering a sense of gratitude and contentment for even the simple, the plain, the ordinary, and appreciating the beauty of what’s available to us if we focus our attention on it in the right way. [27:11.7]

Developing presence is like strengthening a muscle. It requires practice and intention. Mindfulness meditation and just mindfulness practices in general are a powerful tool in cultivating presence. They teach us to focus on the present moment, acknowledge our thoughts and feelings without judgment, and return our focus to the here and now. These practices of mindfulness can be incorporated into daily life from mindful eating to mindful walking, helping you to stay grounded and present in every moment.

Incorporating presence into your life is a transformative journey. It’s about living intentionally, engaging deeply with your experiences, and building authentic connections. Presence isn’t just about improving your dating life. It’s about enhancing your overall quality of life. It leads to personal growth, emotional wellbeing, and a more deeply conscious way of living. [28:04.0]

Alright, let’s take a moment to recap the crucial points we’ve discussed. We’ve explored the essence of presence in dating and relationships, its profound impact on connection and attraction, and the transformative effects that it can have on our personal growth and our mindfulness, and experience of life, in general.

Being present isn’t just about being in the moment physically. It’s about fully engaging emotionally and psychologically with ourselves and those around us. Now, imagine going through life without presence. You’d be disconnected, merely going through the motions without truly experiencing or engaging with the world around you.

In the dating world, this lack of presence can lead to superficial connections only where interactions are guided more by robotic scripted behaviors than genuine interest. Relationships become hollow, lacking the depth and understanding that comes from truly being with another person fully emotionally and mentally, both in moments of joy and in times of hardship. [29:03.2]

Without presence, life becomes a series of missed opportunities for connection and growth. You might find yourself stuck in the same patterns, unable to break free because you’re not fully aware of your actions or their impact. In the realm of personal development, the lack of presence can leave you blind to your own needs and desires, hindering your ability to grow and evolve.

But what happens when you’ve mastered the art of being present? In this future, your dating experiences are rich and fulfilling. You connect with others on a deeper level, creating genuine bonds based on mutual understanding and respect. Your presence allows you to be attuned to your partner’s needs and emotions, fostering a relationship built on trust and emotional intimacy.

In this future, being present also means living a life of mindfulness and self-awareness. You’re in tune with your inner self, understanding your desires, fears and motivations. This self-awareness guides your decisions, leading you toward a life that’s aligned with your true values and aspirations that would fulfill you. [30:04.0]

Imagine the impact of presence on every aspect of your life. Your relationships with family and friends are more meaningful. Your professional life is enriched by your ability to focus and engage fully with your work, your coworkers or those that you’re presenting to. Even your leisure time is far more enjoyable, because you’re truly there experiencing each moment in the here and now in the present.

This future is not just a pipe dream. It’s a very real possibility when you commit to developing your presence. Like any skill, it takes practice and dedication, but the rewards are immeasurable. You’ll find yourself leading a more authentic, fulfilling life, surrounded by relationships that are deep and meaningful.

As we come to a close in this episode, I encourage you to take presence seriously. Embrace each moment. Engage fully with the world around you and watch as your life transforms in ways that you’d never thought possible. Remember, the quality of your presence not only enriches your experiences, but also the lives of those around you. [31:01.5]

In the next episode, I’ll be digging into the biggest obstacle to presence, so come back for that episode. Thank you so much for listening to this one. If you liked it, please hit a like or give it a good rating on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. Hit subscribe or follow, and if you liked this episode, please share it with anyone else that you think would benefit from it.

Thank you so much for listening. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out.

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