Forget the Red Pill: Here’s How to Truly Thrive in Your Relationships | (#154) The Masculine Psychology Podcast with David Tian

Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.

David:

Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I’m David Tian, your host. In this episode, we’re diving into a hot topic in the red-pill manosphere, hypergamy. We’re going to break down this concept and understand how to integrate the findings of evolutionary psychology into our dating lives and relationships in a healthy, productive way.

First off, let’s get one thing straight, our evolved instincts, tendencies or preferences don’t dictate our every move, thought or feeling. Yes, we men might be wired to prefer a certain hip to waist ratio in women, but we’ve also evolved a prefrontal cortex. This part of our brain gives us rationality and willpower to overcome our animal instincts. We’re not slaves to our biology. [01:03.8]

Why does this matter? Because if you buy into evolutionary determinism, you’ll end up in a lonely and hateful place. The red-pill mindset can lead to bitterness and resentment, and worse, it can push you towards black-pill nihilism, and that’s a dark road filled with pain, hopelessness and self-destruction. Nobody wants that.

Let’s debunk some common myths about hypergamy that the red-pill community loves to spread the idea that women are purely driven by a need to trade up to a higher-status man. This conception is a misconception and is overly simplistic. Human relationships are complex and influenced by a variety of factors, sociocultural contexts, personal experiences, individual differences. They all play significant roles. [01:53.2]

Women, just like men, have evolved a prefrontal cortex. Some women, just like some men, value qualities like emotional intelligence, kindness, shared values. Our relationships are not just products of evolutionary psychology. By understanding and applying these findings thoughtfully, we can create more fulfilling and balanced connections.

Okay, so I’ve got five major points here, and for the first one, let’s dive deeper into evolved instincts versus human agency. We have to acknowledge, of course, our biological wiring. Evolution has shaped us in ways that influence our preferences and behaviors. For example, men are often drawn to certain physical traits in women, like a specific hip-to-waist ratio. This preference is deeply rooted in our evolutionary biology, where these traits signal fertility and health. [02:45.6]

But we’re not just animals running on autopilot. We have this incredible thing called the prefrontal cortex and a very developed brain. This part of our brain gives us the power to think rationally, control our impulses and make conscious decisions. It’s our superpower in the animal world to rise above our basic instincts. This means that we have the ability to shape our lives and relationships in meaningful ways. We’re not doomed to follow a predetermined path dictated by our genes.

In case this needs to be said, women, too, have prefrontal cortexes. Women, like men, can choose how we want to live and love, and this brings us to the concept of human agency. Human agency is all about using our rationality and willpower to make choices that align with our values and goals. It’s about taking responsibility for our actions and decisions. In relationships, this means we can choose partners based on more than just mere physical attraction and more than mere status-climbing. We can seek out qualities like emotional intelligence, kindness, compassion, shared values, goodness, integrity, and honesty. [04:02.2]

While our instincts might nudge us in certain directions, our brains have evolved enough, especially our prefrontal cortex, to let us steer the ship, and this ability to override our primal urges is crucial for building healthy, fulfilling relationships. It allows us to engage in ethical decision-making and take responsibility for our actions.

How does this play out in real life? Imagine you’re in a relationship where you’re feeling an instinctive or instinctual pull towards someone new. Maybe it’s their physical attractiveness or some other trait that catches your attention, and this is where your prefrontal cortex can step in. Instead of merely acting on primal impulse, you can reflect on your current relationship, your commitments and your values.

This doesn’t mean that you suppress your instincts entirely, just as we have no evolved defenses against our desire for sugary foods or deep fried foods. We can still rise above our primal instincts and desires and preferences for those foods and make healthier decisions. [05:09.3]

So, it’s not about suppressing or repressing our natural instincts, or even about ignoring them. The healthy thing to do is to acknowledge them, accept that they’re there, understand why they’re there, and yet choose not to act on them and choose healthier choices, thereby integrating our primal instincts into a broader framework of decision-making. You acknowledge the instinct, but then you use your rational mind to decide how to act, and this approach leads to more thoughtful and ethical choices.It’s important to recognize that it’s not always primal instincts that cause us to stray or to want something different in a relationship or to be drawn to someone new. For instance, if a part of you feels drawn to someone new, it’s very helpful to explore what that part of you is actually seeking. Is it excitement? Is it validation or significance? Is it connection or is it something else? By understanding the underlying needs of these parts of us, you can address those needs in healthier ways that don’t have to jeopardize your current relationship. [06:10.4]

From a psychoanalytic perspective, it’s very important if we want fulfilling long-term relationships to identify, discover and get to know the unconscious parts of ourselves that we tend to hide or deny, what Carl Jung calls the shadow parts. By bringing these parts into the light, we can gain greater self-awareness and avoid being controlled by our instinctual or primal unconscious drives. This process helps us make more conscious and informed decisions for ourselves and for our relationships.

By embracing our human agency, we can make choices that reflect our highest values and aspirations. We can build relationships that are not just driven by primal instinct, but enriched by conscious intention and mutual respect, and ethical values. [06:58.1]

In the end, understanding and integrating the findings of evolutionary psychology into our dating lives and relationships means acknowledging our instincts, but not being ruled by them. It means using our rationality and willpower to create the lives and relationships that we truly want. The next time you hear somebody ranting about hypergamy and evolutionary determinism, remember, we human beings have evolved the power to rise above our primal instincts and create something more meaningful.

Okay, now let’s move on to the second point where we’re going to tackle some common myths about hypergamy that are perpetrated by the red-pill community. These myths paint a narrow, deterministic picture of female nature, which just doesn’t hold up under further scrutiny or critical analysis.

First, the idea that women are purely driven by hypergamous instincts, that is a complete oversimplification. Yes, evolutionary psychology suggests that women might seek out partners with higher status or resources. That just makes sense. But this doesn’t mean all women are wired to only and constantly look for a bigger, better deal. Human behavior is far more complex. [08:08.8]

Psychological research shows that individual preferences and values can vary widely. Not every woman prioritizes wealth or status in a partner the same way. Some might value emotional connection more or intellectual compatibility more, or emotional security more. It’s simply reductive to assume that women are always on the lookout only for someone better based on status or looks alone.

Next, let’s consider the impact of sociocultural factors, of personal experiences, of individual differences. Our environments and experiences shape us in profound ways. Cultural norms, upbringing, personal values, past relationships, all influence what we look for in a partner, we, as mature adults with prefrontal cortexes, look for in a partner. This context makes the hypergamy narrative overly simplistic. [09:03.2]

Empirical evidence further debunks the deterministic view of hypergamy. Research indicates that women value a range of qualities and partners, not merely status or resources. Studies have shown that traits like emotional intelligence, kindness, shared values, and these are all highly valued. These qualities often trump purely material considerations.

Okay, let’s break this down with some real-world examples. Imagine two women, Alice and Beth. Alice values intellectual stimulation and seeks a partner who shares her passion for learning, because when a man meets her intellectually, she feels more seen and heard, and feels more emotionally connected. She’s not focused on mere status or mere wealth, but rather on finding someone who she can have deep conversations with. Beth, on the other hand, values emotional support and kindness. She looks for a partner who is empathetic and caring, and when she feels his empathy and care, she feels a strong emotional connection with that person. [10:02.6]

Both Alice and Beth demonstrate that preferences can vary widely and aren’t solely based on hypergamous instincts for a partner of higher status or better looks. Their choices are influenced by personal values, personal experiences and individual differences.

Additionally, Carl Jung’s concept of individuation underscores the complexity of human relationships. Jung believed that personal growth and self-awareness are crucial for healthy relationships. As people become more self-aware and integrate different aspects of their personalities, they naturally seek partners who complement their growth, and this process goes beyond superficial traits obviously, like status or wealth. [10:46.5]

By integrating these insights, we see that the hypergamy narrative of the red pill falls short in explaining the full picture of female nature. Women, like men, are complex beings with diverse preferences and values. Their relationship choices are influenced by a myriad of factors, including personal growth, emotional needs and cultural contexts, and this is all founded and quite obviously founded in empirical scientific studies and biology of the brain. Women, just like men, have clearly evolved a brain that enables them to say no to their primal, evolved instincts and choose otherwise based on rationality, and they obviously have willpower to back it up.

Now we get into the third point, which is the complexity and individuality of human relationships. Relationships aren’t just about fulfilling evolutionary drives or trading resources, at least in healthy relationships. They’re rich, nuanced and deeply personal. To really get this, we need to dive into some profound psychological theories and psychotherapy methods. [11:51.7]

First up, let’s talk about Richard Schwartz and his Internal Family Systems therapy, IFS therapy, one of the top evidence-based psychotherapy approaches and models. IFS therapy posits that we all have multiple sub-personalities or parts within us. These parts of us influence our behavior, emotions and relationships. For example, you might have a part of you that seeks approval and another part of you that fears rejection, and these parts of us can sometimes be in conflict, leading to internal struggles that affect our relationships.

Understanding these parts of us can lead to healthier relationships when you recognize that your anger or your jealousy is just one part of you, you can address the underlying emotional needs and conflicts. Instead of acting out of anger, you can communicate your feelings and needs more effectively. IFS helps you see the bigger picture of your internal world, leading to greater self-awareness and emotional health.

Carl Jung’s depth psychology also offers valuable insights into the complexity of human relationships. Jung believes that our unconscious minds play a significant role in shaping our behaviors and relationships. He introduced the concept of archetypes, universal, symbolic parts of us that influence our perceptions and our actions. [13:08.7]

One of Jung’s key ideas is, as I mentioned, individuation, the process of becoming aware of and integrating different parts of ourselves, including the shadow parts. The Shadow represents the unconscious parts of ourselves that we tend to hide or deny. By bringing these shadow parts into the light, we gain greater self-awareness and authenticity. Understanding your Shadow can lead to deeper self-awareness and more authentic connections with others.

When you recognize and accept your hidden fears, desires, motivations, you can engage with others more honestly and openly, and this self-awareness reduces the likelihood of projecting your insecurities onto your partner, which leads to healthier and more balanced relationships.

Okay, to illustrate these concepts, let’s consider a hypothetical scenario. Imagine you’re in a relationship where you often feel jealous or insecure. Through IFS therapy, you might discover that these feelings stem from a part of you that fears abandonment. Recognizing this, you can address the underlying fear of abandonment in you rather than lashing out at your partner. [14:12.5]

Jung’s depth psychology might encourage you to explore the roots of your jealousy, uncovering any unconscious fears or past experiences that contribute to these feelings. By integrating these insights, you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationship dynamics. These therapeutic approaches highlight the complexity and individuality of human relationships. They show that our behaviors are influenced by a multitude of factors, including unconscious drives, but also emotional needs and personal experiences. By embracing this complexity, we can move beyond simplistic narratives and cultivate more fulfilling, healthy relationships. [14:52.4]

Relationships are not just about fulfilling evolutionary drives or trading resources. They’re about understanding ourselves and our partners on a deeper level and feeling that deeper emotional connection. By exploring our internal worlds, communicating openly, embracing vulnerability with our partners, we build richer, more meaningful relationships. Men and women do have the ability to move beyond reductive views and engage with our partners in more authentic and compassionate ways.

No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It’s why they can’t give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It’s why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.

Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.

Learn more about this transformational program by going to DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery.

That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

In multiple other episodes on the red pill, I’ve explained in a kind of psychoanalysis of the red-pill movement why these red-pill proponents would hold so strongly to these seemingly irrational views, and I’ve analyzed the underlying fears and resentments that are driving them. I’ve already devoted multiple other episodes to that, so in this episode, I’m going to dive into the more positive point about emotional growth, how both men and women are capable of emotional growth, thereby rising above our mere animal instincts.

Now we get into the fourth point, which is psychological and emotional maturity, and some simple, straightforward ways to grow psychologically and emotionally, and to notice that these are key ingredients for healthy, thriving relationships. [17:07.7]

We can start with emotional intelligence or EQ. When you develop EQ, you’re setting the foundation for strong, meaningful connections. EQ involves self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, social skills. Self-awareness means understanding your emotions and how they affect your thoughts and actions. It’s about knowing your strengths and weaknesses, and with self-regulation, you can control your impulses and moods. You can think before acting, and you can stay calm under pressure.

Empathy is crucial in interpersonal relationships. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. When you can put yourself in your partner’s shoes, you build deeper connections and trust, and social skills are about managing relationships, inspiring others, and building rapport. These skills help you communicate effectively and handle conflicts more constructively, and these are all ingredients in emotional intelligence, which can be developed and improved on. [18:06.6]

Now let’s talk about the growth mindset. It’s a concept that’s coined by Carol Dweck. A growth mindset is about embracing challenges and seeing them as opportunities to learn and grow. In relationships, this means being open to feedback, learning from our mistakes, continually working on our personal growth and maturity.

With a growth mindset, you understand that you and your partner can evolve and improve over time. This perspective opens up to fostering resilience in the face of challenges. Instead of seeing problems as insurmountable, you view them as chances to strengthen your bond and grow together.

So, how do you develop EQ and a growth mindset? Therapeutic interventions can be incredibly helpful here, so let’s just explore a few of many different types of approaches. [18:58.0]

First, I recommend Internal Family Systems therapy, IFS therapy, which I discussed earlier. IFS helps you understand the different parts of yourself and how they influence your behavior. By recognizing these different parts of ourselves, we can address the underlying emotional needs and conflicts of our parts, leading to healthier relationships with ourselves and with others.

CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy is another powerful tool. I recommend everybody study up on CBT. It’s a relatively straightforward modality. CBT focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviors, using clear thinking. In the context of relationships, CBT can help us challenge unhelpful beliefs, improve our communication skills and develop healthier coping strategies.

Mindfulness practices can also play a crucial role. Mindfulness involves staying present and fully engaging with the current moment. I include many mindfulness practices in my program emotional mastery. These practices help us manage our stress, help us increase our self-awareness and enhance our emotional regulation. In relationships, mindfulness can improve our ability to listen and respond thoughtfully rather than merely reacting impulsively. [20:13.4]

Okay, imagine you’re in a relationship and facing frequent arguments. Developing your EQ might involve recognizing that your anger stems from your own underlying insecurities. By practicing self-regulation, you can pause before reacting impulsively. You can take a deep breath and approach the conversation more calmly from a more fresh perspective.

Empathy plays a role here, too. When your partner expresses frustration, instead of getting defensive, you try to understand their perspective. This empathetic approach can diffuse tension and foster mutual understanding. Adopting a growth mindset means viewing these arguments as opportunities to improve your relationship. You acknowledge that both you and your partner can grow and can learn from these challenges. You seek out resources such as books or the therapeutic process, or a therapeutic coach to help you navigate and overcome these issues. [21:10.4]

Let’s say you decide to try CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. You might work with a professional to identify negative thought patterns that contribute to your arguments. Maybe you realize that you tend to catastrophize situations, assuming the worst outcome. Through CBT, you learn to challenge these thoughts and replace them with more balanced, realistic perspectives.

Mindfulness practices can complement this work. You can start incorporating mindfulness meditation into your daily routine to help you stay present and manage stress. When conflicts arise, you can use mindfulness techniques to keep you grounded and to help you respond more thoughtfully.

By integrating these therapeutic processes and tools, you develop greater psychological and emotional maturity, and this growth enables you to build and maintain healthier, more satisfying relationships, helping you to rise well above your mere animal instincts. [22:06.6]

Okay, so now let’s move to the fifth and final point, how to move beyond these reductive theories, the sort of simplistic view of evo-psych and dive into a holistic, more accurate, more realistic understanding of human relationships. It’s crucial to see the bigger picture here. Relationships aren’t just driven by biology or status. They’re complex and multifaceted, especially as the partners become more mature psychologically and emotionally, and our relationships are shaped by biological, psychological, social and cultural dimensions.

Yes, evolutionary psychology can provide valuable insights into human behavior in general, but it’s only one piece of the puzzle. To truly grasp the dynamics of adult intimate relationships, we need to consider multiple factors. Biology plays a role, yes, but so do our psychological makeups, the social environments we navigate, and the cultural norms that we internalize. [23:05.0]

For instance, the way we were raised impacts our attachment styles and how we connect with others. Cultural norms shape our expectations of relationships and influence what we consider attractive or desirable social contexts, like our friends, our communities, our societies, affect our interactions and the opportunities that we have to form connections.

Let’s look at some examples. One client, let’s call him John, came to me struggling with feelings of inadequacy in his relationship. He believed that his girlfriend would leave him for someone more successful. Through our sessions, we unpacked his underlying fears. It wasn’t just about status or hypergamy. It stemmed from his childhood experiences where he constantly felt he had to prove his worth to his parents. [23:51.0]

We worked on building John’s self-esteem and understanding his worth beyond mere external achievements. As he gained self-confidence, his relationship improved. His girlfriend wasn’t interested in leaving him for someone with more status. She actually valued him for his kindness, his empathy and his emotional support, but he didn’t value himself for those qualities, and this shows that individual experiences and personal growth play a significant role in the success of relationships.

Another client, let’s call him Sanjay. Sanjay faced cultural pressures to marry someone from his ethnic background. He felt torn between his cultural expectations and his love for his partner, who was from a different culture. Through our work, Sanjay explored his values and desires. He learned to communicate his needs and set boundaries with his family. His journey highlights how cultural dimensions can influence our relationships and the importance of aligning them with our personal values.

These personal stories remind us that relationships are unique and are influenced by a whole variety of factors. By understanding these different dimensions, we can move beyond simplistic, reductive narratives and appreciate the richness of human connections. [25:03.5]

Let’s also discuss empowerment and responsibility. It’s easy to fall into a victim mentality, blaming external factors for our relationship problems, as so much of the red pill does. But true empowerment comes from taking full responsibility for our own actions and choices. We have the power to shape our relationships through our attitudes and behaviors in our decisions. This doesn’t mean ignoring external influences, of course, but rather acknowledging them and choosing how we respond.

For example, if societal norms pressure you to act a certain way, recognize that you have the agency to challenge and redefine those norms in your relationships. Personal empowerment also involves recognizing your worth and setting boundaries. It means knowing what you want in a relationship and not settling for less. It’s about being proactive in creating the life and relationships you desire. [25:59.3]

Moving Beyond reductive theories, requires a holistic understanding of relationships. It involves considering biological, psychological, social and cultural dimensions. Personal empowerment and taking our personal responsibility are crucial in creating fulfilling relationships, allowing us to move beyond victimhood and deterministic narratives.

In the end, relationships are not just about fulfilling evolutionary drives or daring to societal norms. They’re about understanding ourselves, connecting with others on a deeper level and creating a thriving life that reflects our true selves. So, let’s move beyond the simplistic and embrace the complexity, because that’s where real, lasting connections are made.

Okay, let’s recap what we’ve covered so far. We started with the idea that our evolved instincts, like a preference for certain physical traits, don’t control us completely. We have, men and women, a prefrontal cortex that enables us and allows us to think rationally and make conscious choices. This means that we can build healthier, more fulfilling relationships by not being slaves to our biology. [27:06.6]

We debunked the red pill myths about hypergamy. Women are not purely driven by a need to trade up for higher status. Human relationships are far more complex, influenced by individual preferences, personal experiences and cultural factors. We looked at psychological research showing that women value qualities like emotional intelligence, kindness, shared values, and compassion, and we explored the complexity and individuality of actual, real, human, adult, mature relationships. We drew on insights from IFS therapy and Jungian therapy and Jungian psychology, and we saw how understanding our internal parts, embracing vulnerability, and integrating our shadow parts can lead to more authentic connections.

Then we dove into the importance of psychological and emotional maturity and growth, developing emotional intelligence, adopting a growth mindset, and seeking therapeutic interventions can significantly improve our interpersonal and intimate relationships. These practices all help us manage our emotions, communicate better and grow through challenges. [28:12.8]

Finally, we emphasize the need to move beyond reductive theories. A more holistic understanding of relationships incorporates biological, psychological, social and cultural dimensions. By embracing this complexity and taking full responsibility for our own actions, we can create more fulfilling relationships.

If we stubbornly stick to the belief that our instincts entirely dictate all of our behavior, we risk falling into a deterministic mindset, and this can lead to feelings of hopelessness and resentment and bitterness, and you might start seeing relationships as mere transactions or battles for power, which will lead to loneliness and disconnection.

Worse, this mindset can push you towards red pill or even black-pill nihilism, and this dark road is filled with pain, bitterness, and self-destruction. You might end up isolating yourself, unable to form meaningful, genuine connections, and being trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts and self-destructive behaviors. [29:11.4]

It’s a bleak existence where you view relationships through a lens of suspicion and cynicism. But it doesn’t have to be this way. By not giving in to evolutionary determinism, you open yourself up to a world of positive possibilities. You can build relationships based on mutual respect, empathy, and genuine connection. You can grow emotionally and psychologically, becoming more self-aware and resilient.

Understanding the complexity of human behavior allows you to navigate relationships with greater wisdom and compassion. You recognize that everyone has their own struggles and stories, and you approach connections with empathy and openness, and this leads to deeper, more satisfying relationships, where both partners feel valued and understood. [29:59.0]

Taking full responsibility for your own actions and choices empowers you to create the life and relationships you want. Instead of feeling like a victim of your instincts or circumstances, you actively shape your own experiences. This mindset fosters personal growth and fulfillment, allowing you to thrive in your relationships and beyond.

In short, rejecting evolutionary determinism and embracing a more accurate, holistic, responsible approach to relationships leads to a richer, more fulfilling, meaningful life. You can build deeper connections, grow as a person, and create a fulfilling existence rooted in empathy, understanding and genuine human connection, and that’s the real path to happiness and fulfillment in your relationships.Thank you so much for listening. If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. Thank you again, and I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [30:54.1]