Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.
This is definitely true, and there are certain types of women you must avoid like the plague — unless you like dealing with suffering, feeling helpless, and an empty bank account.
Before you think, “Oh yeah, I’ll just avoid the clubs and meet someone with morals,” I have to stop you right there.
There’s proof that shows there are women who are “fake, good”, and merely pretend to be moral. And there’s also proof that women who hit up clubs are the best option for a long term relationship.
So how do you avoid wasting countless years of your life speaking to toxic bimbos?
On today’s episode, I reveal how to find the exact type of woman who’s a perfect fit for a successful, long term relationship.
Show highlights include:
- How to only date women who’ll make you happy (and avoid draining countless years of your life speaking to toxic bimbos) (0:39)
- Why dating insufferable women establishes negative programming into your brain (3:19)
- How Andrew Tate and Fresh & Fit deceive you into pursuing unsuitable, immature women who are not ready for long term commitment (10:44)
- How to open your mind to the reality of how women think (especially the reality of how women are with their sexuality) (13:48)
- Think you should protect your little sister from “bad boys”? Think again! Your little brother is at more risk of being taken advantage of by predatory single women (15:23)
- How to live a life of sexual abundance by not being a blatant hypocrite (18:55)
- 3 key traits every woman must have if you want to seriously consider a long term relationship (if you’re pursuing a woman, and she doesn’t have these 3 key traits, move on) (21:56)
Does your neediness, fear, or insecurity sabotage your success with women? Do you feel you may be unlovable? For more than 15 years, I’ve helped thousands of people find confidence, fulfillment, and loving relationships. And I can help you, too. I’m therapist and life coach David Tian, Ph.D. I invite you to check out my free Masterclasses on dating and relationships at https://www.davidtianphd.com/masterclass/ now.
For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/
Get access to all my current and future online coaching courses by applying for the Platinum Partnership program today at:
Listen to the episode on your favorite podcast platform:
Note: Scroll Below for Transcription
Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in dating, relationships, success, and fulfillment, and explore the psychology of masculinity. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.
David: Welcome to the New Year of the Masculine Psychology Podcast. I’m David Tian, your host.
In this episode, I’m going to be getting into who are the right type of women for a successful long-term relationship. If you want a relationship and you want, I assume, for it to succeed, who are the right women for a relationship? And, conversely, once you understand who the right women are, you’ll also understand who the wrong women are and which type of women to not waste your time with, because this is about your time, your energy, your life. [00:51.8]
Not only are you going to end up wasting a lot of time, years, and effort and energy, which will result in suffering and pain, if you choose the wrong women– I mean, the research has shown that while having a successful or a happy, loving, intimate relationship is the most important factor for a man’s long life and happiness in the long run, conversely, a bad relationship is the most toxic thing on a man’s health and happiness in the long run. So, for a man, relationships are a big risk, but a big reward, but if it doesn’t work out, it’s also a big pain.
Not only would a bad relationship waste years of your time and energy—and if you have children out of it, you’re also going to make things harder for them—in addition, you end up programming wrong habits. A man who has spent a lot of his time pursuing the wrong type of women, even knowing that they’re the wrong type, but just spending time and energy with them, ends up developing the wrong habits of thoughts and behavior, and why that’s so dangerous is because habits lead to your character. I mean, it’s already difficult enough establishing habits. [02:09.6]
I mean, I’m recording this at the beginning of a new year and this is when everyone makes their resolutions, and the key to making a resolution stick is making that new behavior a habit, a habit of action or thought, or whatever. It’s already difficult enough to establish a habit, and one of the reasons why it’s great to establish a habit, if the habit will lead to your goal, is because once the habit is established, it becomes automatic, and automatic thoughts and behaviors make up your personality. They create who you are, your character, who your default you is, and the default you will determine your destiny.
I first heard this formula in a Christian context. It’s not clear what the source is, but it’s great because it starts like this. “Sow a thought, reap in action. Sow an action, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny.” [03:06.8]
Add on to that, who you spend time with is who you become. You’ve probably heard of that adage or the advice about the five people you spend the most time with will determine how your life goes and that sort of thing. If you have a girlfriend or if you spend a lot of time with the wrong type of women and going to them to get your emotional needs met, you are then establishing programming into your code, so to speak, the code of your mind, the wrong commands, the wrong habits, and that in the long run, just repeat that, extrapolate that, just multiply that, for weeks, months, years, decades of your life, and you now have a life. You now have a you, a character of you that has produced a certain life.
Now, if you want to do it the right way, if you want to find the right type of woman, if you want to attract the right type of woman for a relationship, you are going to have to undo all of these bad habits that were instituted because you were catering to, you were conforming yourself to, you were accepting being with, you were clicking with, you were vibing with the wrong type of woman, and along with that, the wrong type of men that are attracted to that whole social circle or that peer group, that group of friends. [04:20.5]
They will create for you unwittingly, unconsciously for you, your habits of thought and action, which will lead to your character, which going, extend that for a decade, this becomes decades, your destiny. Not only if you don’t know what the right type of women are for a relationship and if you want a relationship, but you end up by default just going with the wrong type of woman, which most guys are going for the wrong type of woman, then not only will you waste time and energy, but you will be programming the wrong habits of character, of behavior that will lead to the wrong destiny.
If you eventually want to find the right type of woman for a relationship, for success in a relationship, you’re going to have to undo all of those habits and now it’s doubly hard. You’ll have to undo the old bad habits and institute the new right habits. You’re making it doubly hard. [05:11.6]
Again, for those people who are– if you’re listening to this fresh since it’s the beginning of the new year, you know how hard it is for most people to establish habits. Now you’ve made it doubly hard. You’re going to have to undo the old habits, the old bad habits, and institute the new right habits. So, get it right from the beginning, right?
This speaks directly to a big myth of immature guys, immature guys, and this includes, from my opinion—I mean, it’s a relative term. What’s maturity, right?—80 to 90 percent of men in their twenties are immature, and for them, especially the guys who look for dating advice online, ironically—I am providing some of that—they buy into the myth that all women are the same, like there’s some kind of immutable nature that they are happy to assert that there’s a diversity of men. [06:00.4]
There are some nerdy men. There are some men who are into anime. There are some really athletic men. There are some military hard guys, disciplined. There are artistic men. There are men who are into one kind of porn and there are men who are into another kind of porn. If you hung around dudes, maybe in the locker room or at school, you know that there’s a great diversity of men.
But when it comes to women, one of the big myths is that all women are the same, so when they go online looking for dating advice, they just shut their brain off and they uncritically accept the advice about all women will respond to this in a certain way. Whether she lives in sub-Saharan Africa or a small town in rural Southwest China, or if she grew up in Dubai or Singapore or New York City, it’s like they’re all the same. All attractive, physically-attractive women are the same, and this is a big myth. This is just not true, and only the immature man who hasn’t gotten to know lots of different women or who has bought into a great asymmetry of male-female—that is, males have lots of diversity. Females don’t—only someone who’s really shut off his brain, because just think about that, only an immature man would believe in the advice that all women are cheaters, liars, or sluts or whatever the case is. [07:19.3]
Originally, for this episode, I had prepared some notes and was going to do an episode on something like why most dating advice that men are following is wrong, and as I prepared for that episode, I looked through some of the comments that I’ve been saving up as potential topics to do and I discovered that I was still getting requests to respond to content by Andrew Tate and “Fresh & Fit” among others. The first time I looked through that type of content, it was hard to stomach. It was very low brow, and that’s just not the style of content that attracts me as a former professor of philosophy. [08:01.6]
But when I checked out the “Fresh & Fit” YouTube channel, again, it said 1.1 million subscribers, which I don’t remember it being that high the last, I think a few months ago or maybe it was several months ago, I can’t remember now, before when my team and I were doing research on the most dominant dating advice for men. A lot of it was pretty basic. There’s a channel called Tripp Advice. It’s got a million subscribers. This is pretty basic dating advice. It’s dumbed-down, the old-school, dumbed-down pickup artist advice that is more repackaged so it’s more palatable to the mainstream of the 2020s.
But now looking at “Fresh & Fit”, it seems like not only have they surpassed the subscriber accounts of the more dominant, typical dating advice, mainstream dating advice, content and channels, but their average video views are also relatively high. So, I checked it out, and “Fresh & Fit”, as an example, has over 1,600 videos and there’s no way in hell that I’m going to be able to go through even one 10th of that, maybe one percent of it, even. I’ve got maybe an hour. [09:12.1]
So, if you are a “Fresh & Fit” fan, if you’re one of the people who commented or wrote to me asking for my thoughts, I need you to choose one to three videos as representative samples so I can dial down and actually address those.
What I did instead was I looked through the recent videos, and just at the title and the thumbnail and the number of views, just to get an idea of what’s popular among their viewership. Then I went through the popular, so I hit popular and then YouTube reordered it in terms of what’s most popular, and some of their most popular videos are only a year old. I just scrolled down through their titles, looked at the thumbnails, and for a few of them, I looked through the first five minutes or so, and there was one, because they’ve also just recently or maybe a few months back, done a podcast with Andrew Tate. I thought, Oh, great, two birds with one stone. I’ll be able to comment on Andrew Tate’s views and “Fresh & Fit”, because they were just all in one video. [10:10.4]
I actually watched about a third of it, and then I read the transcript because I can read much faster than anyone can talk, and I went through the whole, I think, it was a 25-minute video or so, and there wasn’t any coherent argument or viewpoint there. I was really hoping to break it down like a good philosophy professor and do a critical exegesis of their views, but, unfortunately, it was just some stories, and the views themselves were rather innocent. It was just sort of like listening to some college kids talking, and that’s when I realized the problem—the women that they have on these podcasts, as far as I can tell from my first, admittedly, of course, the first cursory glance of the channel, immediately would strike me as potentially probably not the type of women who have what it takes, at that point in time, when they were filming it, to be successful in a long-term relationship. [11:05.8]
Similarly, the men have built up so much fear-based resentment towards women from their dating past and getting burned and cheated on, etc., that they, likewise, have not done enough of the healing work of letting go and getting to the deeper roots of their distrust. Neither side, but especially the men, I guess, the men were talking more, have dealt fully with their shadow parts.
Neither side of the people on the videos that I saw have done enough inner work to be ready for a long-term relationship, and that’s why the things that they’re saying about women are true for those women and likely true for the women that they’re likely to meet, that these type of men are likely meeting, given their lifestyle. [11:54.2]
Then it occurred to me, the advice I have been giving on this podcast has not been directed towards guys who want to attract women who are still on the prowl and have loose morals, so to speak—and I’m going to spend some more time in this episode and future episodes explaining why that’s so important, why morality and values are so important—but what I cover about emotional connection, being okay with your own vulnerability, radical acceptance, being able to meet your own needs in yourself and that making you automatically maximally attractive to women who are right, the right women for a long-term successful relationship, that that advice does not apply to the type of woman, generally speaking– [12:42.3]
I mean, I don’t know these women personally and we’re just getting snippets of it based on these podcast videos, but from what I can ascertain from these videos and, if I am asked for more, I’m willing to dig deeper. But just on the surface, their lifestyle choices, the way that they view things, even the way they talk, kind of gives you an idea of their educational background, their class and so forth, and along with that comes, generally speaking, a kind of moral perspective or moral standpoint. For women and for men like that, you should absolutely go into any relationship with them with your eyes wide open.
I made a separate video years ago called “The Reality of Women.” I think it’s on the reality of women and you can find it on my YouTube channel. I also put it in my masterclass, my free masterclass that you can get by entering your email on my website, DavidTianPhD.com. I put it in a couple different masterclass as a kind of bonus video, because it’s so important, and this is one area where I think it’s beneficial to have gone through a kind of red-pill period, where if you were naive because you were a nice guy or a white knight, or you had a lot of sexual shame growing up, you probably didn’t get an accurate view of how women are, especially how women are with their sexuality. [14:07.8]
In that seminar, I break down the reality of modern women, especially based on findings from modern scientific studies that are conducted in major universities around the world in fields like sexology and psychology. The reality of things right now in the modern world and has been for a few decades is that it has become more acceptable, increasingly more acceptable for women to adopt short-term mating strategies that resemble the typical male short-term mating strategies.
This will result in a high number of sexual partners, a laxity when it comes to lying, bullshitting, or just in general, misrepresenting the truth in order to get you away or to accrue more resources, like money, connections, sex with physically-attractive partners, and that the ends justify the means, and this has become socially more and more socially acceptable for women and it’s become less and less socially acceptable for men. [15:15.0]
So, you’re seeing that there’s an evening out of the mating strategies of both genders, of both men and women, and just like the advice you would give to your little sister about dating. Bad boys, don’t trust everything they say or most of what they say. Expect these guys to be players, because that’s their lifestyle they’ve adopted, and keep your guard up, be skeptical about what they say, and so forth, right? You would actually just say that to your little brother about modern women these days.
That kind of cynical advice that you get on more mainstream red pill platforms like “Fresh & Fit”, based on what I’ve seen—I might change my mind as I dig deeper—are correct in their admonition to be skeptical about the loyalty and the love or the veracity of the love that the modern woman is showing and the way that they are pursuing their dating strategies. [16:11.7]
I clearly part ways with the more classical or more hardcore red pill view that all women, by their very biological nature, are incapable of being moral, and that’s the type of view you find with Rollo Tomassi and the old-school more red pill, redneck red pill, more extreme red pill. I’ve done a couple videos with Steve Mayeda in my old Man Up podcast, addressing and breaking down for a couple hours that more extreme old-school red pill.
What I’m seeing in “Fresh & Fit” is more of just a realistic view of the modern woman in her early-twenties or mid-twenties and the advantages and the stuff that they can get relatively easily, sex with hot guys, the wealth of connections they get and the validation they get on their Twitter or on their Instagram, and what they can get away with now as something that they couldn’t get away with a hundred years ago where they’re sleeping with a new guy every weekend or every night and having very few, if any, social consequences. In fact, it might even be that she’s getting props from her girlfriends for banging all these hot guys and she’s posting it on her Instagram. [17:21.0]
That sort of behavior used to be looked down upon. Okay, so it’s not that women have changed as a result of modern liberalism and feminism. It’s that these modern standards have taken the restrictions off and now you get to see how they have always been, because they’re just human.
For a lot of judgmental guys and judgmental people, in general, they’re fake good people. They’re sort of fake good people because they’re sheltered, and this is common for university professors who like to look down their noses, and this is true also of the extreme right and extreme left, looking down their noses at the good-looking hedonists and judging them. [17:58.8]
For most people, including nice guys, you didn’t have the choice. You didn’t have the opportunity. It wasn’t given to you. You were never tempted with it. You were never tempted with sexual abundance. You were never tempted with being able to just walk into the club because you’re a hot girl, right into the VIP and not having to pay a cent and all these other guys trying to get you to go to their table and offering you free bottles of champagne or something like that. The promoter or the owner of the club or the manager coming up to you and trying to get you to come back with your friends and offering you all kinds of incentives, and celebrities doing the same thing, trying to get you back into their room, giving you all these kinds of incentives. Your Twitter, opening that up and seeing 20 different messages, a hundred different messages every day, every time you open up.
How easy it is to say, “If I were them, I would have much higher moral standards and wouldn’t demean myself by indulging in all of this pleasure,” and I know for a fact that the very guys who hire dating coaches who are looking for dating advices online actually want to live a life of sexual abundance and would do go through great lengths to do it, and would compromise many things in order to get it. [19:07.5]
But because they have not worked with, confronted, even, their shadow parts, they also have these more dominant parts that are full of sexual shame from their upbringings, and shame those parts of them dictating what channels to watch on their porn or dictating the sexual fantasies. This hypocrisy is what actually prevents them from actually experiencing that sexual abundance. It’s one of the many things, including, among other things, being unable to meet their own emotional needs.
So, don’t be a fake good person. Don’t judge the prostitute because, right now, no one is going to pay you for sex, so it’s not even a possibility for you, so of course, it’s easy for you to look down on that. But if you were a hot girl and, just by taking your clothes off, you could make a thousand bucks a night and all you had to do was walk around semi-naked for a few hours, and then, I don’t know, once every half-hour, go up on stage for three minutes and strip down naked and get a thousand bucks. Plus, lots of women are ogling you and would be happy to take you home and pay you, on top of that. I mean, you don’t have that temptation, so it’s easy for you to look down on it. [20:15.1]
The reality for women in their twenties now is that sex is relatively abundant. Sexual opportunity abounds everywhere and there are almost zero social consequences to taking advantage of it. I mean, there are men who pay thousands of dollars to learn how to do what the average, maybe, let’s say, above-average woman in terms of attractiveness can do just as a matter of course.
Do you struggle in your interactions with women or in your intimate relationship? Are fear, shame, or neediness sabotaging your relationships or attractiveness? In my Platinum Partnership Program, you’ll discover how to transform your psychological issues, improve your success with women, and uncover your true self.
Get access to all my current and future online courses by applying for the Platinum Partnership today at DavidTianPhD.com/Platinum.
It’s important to recognize that it’s not that these women who are more promiscuous and are, currently, at this point in their lives, making more compromises morally, it’s not that they’re more morally bad than all of these men. It’s that the temptations are far greater for them, and if you are honest with yourself, you could totally understand why they would and how they would end up making these choices. But that should also awaken you to how you can’t just trust blindly and go into it naive. [21:56.0]
There are at least three things you should be looking for, and by the way, I’ve done other episodes on the five things you should look for in a woman. I give different versions of it because you could slice the cake in different ways. Here’s a more simplified one in three steps or three points.
The first is you’re looking for a woman who has morals. For you to naturally detect someone who’s got a sense of morality or has a strong moral sense, and obeys that moral sense or tries to, you’ll need to also be doing that. For the guys who often write to me, “How do I know whether she has a good sense of morals” That actually tells me that you don’t, because you don’t know what to look for, because the very things you’re looking for in the other person are what you’re looking for in yourself.
Right off the bat, there’s an important distinction to make, which is the difference between the right versus the good when it comes to morals. A lot of people don’t know this difference, and a lot of people who are immature think of morality as the right, simply the right. In other words, what is the right thing to do in terms of laws and rules, whereas morality should really be thought of, especially in this context, in terms of the good, and the good has to do with your character, and you can have a good character and break the rules, and you can also be someone who follows the rules but has a bad character. [23:12.8]
What you should really be looking for is not “Does she follow all the rules? Is she a goody two shoes or something like that?” but “What is her character like?” Another way to look at it is, just like modernity exerts an external pressure on the modern woman or did in the past so that she wouldn’t step out and become promiscuous, and now those external restrictions are lifted and now you get to see what was really going on, the real character of these women.
Similarly, when it comes to the right versus the good, what you should be looking for in terms of morals from a woman is what her character is like, absent any obligations or requirements in terms of rules and laws, absent any punishment for breaking the rules. It’s easy in a couple to say, “Here are the rules. If you do this, then I’ll break up with you,” or something like that. These threats, right? You don’t want to ever have to depend on any kind of rules in order to have a loyal, loving relationship. That should be coming from the inside. That should just be something that you want to do. That should be based on moral principle, not on the requirement of some rules. [24:19.6]
If what you want is a successful long-term relationship, what you need to look for is a partner who has good moral character, because if she has good moral character, then she’ll naturally do the good thing, the right thing. But if she has the wrong character or, at that point in her life, she’s at a stage where she’s not mature or is not valuing morality or values, then the thing that she would do naturally will end up being the wrong thing. Then you’re going to have to rely on external constraints, like rules or laws, which rely on enforcement of punishment in order to motivate right action. But if the person is of good moral character, then you can relax and trust that what the person will naturally do, the natural inclinations of a person of good character, will end up being good actions or right actions. [25:13.7]
That’s to address the inference I’m making that the majority of people, especially the guys who write to me for my opinion about content like “Fresh & Fit”, the people they have, generally, on the show, I’m inferring that you can’t tell their level of maturity emotionally and you can’t tell their moral character. It makes sense about the maturity bit because it takes one to know one when it comes to maturity, so if you’re immature, it would stand to reason that you haven’t developed yet the sensibilities or cultivated the intuitions to be able to recognize emotional maturity.
I’m assuming similar things happening when it comes to moral character that you don’t know what to look for because you haven’t been cultivating it in yourself, because you probably haven’t thought about values or virtues, or morality, in general. [26:09.5]
Most people think of morality in terms of rules, “Do this, don’t do that,” and that sort of thing. This is the most basic type of ethics and that’s what society and your schools depend on most of the time, because it’s the easiest thing to institute. But what you need to see, if you want a successful long-term relationship, what you need to see is the person’s character is the person’s moral character—and the best way to evaluate that is to remove the external constraints that would force somebody to fake act, to pretend by following the rules that they are of good character. You want to give them the freedom to do whatever they want to do, and you will notice then what is actually underneath the surface, which is the most important thing, what at that stage in their lives, their moral character is like. [27:00.2]
That’s, on the one hand, guys who can’t tell that level of emotional maturity or immaturity and can’t tell the level of moral character that you’re dealing with in the person. On the other hand, there’s a group of nice guys or white knights who have a kind of moral judgmentalism toward people who pursue a more hedonistic lifestyle at that stage in their lives.
Here I just want to point out that somebody who is of good moral character and emotional maturity, is not threatened by the lifestyle choices of others, if those lifestyle choices only affect the other people, so if they’re not impinging on your life or lifestyle, why not give them the freedom to live however they’ve chosen?
In the past, I’ve been friends with strippers, with sex workers. We’ve all hung out together as friends getting coffee or going to karaoke, or just having a good time, and no moral judgmentalism there from me because I see them as human beings who have made certain choices and come from a completely different background from mine. [28:07.3]
Similarly, people can view me from the outside and say, “Wow, look at his past. He used to be a pickup artist. He’s this and that, and he can’t be trusted.” and I understand that. I understand why they might come to that conclusion, but that’s because they’re looking at the wrong things. You can’t tell whether somebody is a good person just because, only because they go clubbing or they have tattoos, or any of those superficial things.
But on the other hand, there is a high correlation or higher correlation between those lifestyle choices and loose morals or people who make moral compromises, or who don’t listen to their moral conscience or don’t have a moral conscience.
This is going to the point that character is more important than whether you follow certain moral rules that maybe society has arbitrarily determined, and the famous author of the Narnia series and the kind of philosopher theologian himself, former professor of Oxford and Cambridge, C. S. Lewis has written about this in his Mere Christianity of all places, and I’ll quote because he puts it very well. [29:12.6]
“Finally, though I have had to speak at some length about sex, I want to make it as clear as I possibly can that the center of Christian morality is not here.”
As in, sexual morality.
“If anyone thinks that Christians regard unchastity as the supreme vice, he is quite wrong. The sins of the flesh are bad, but they are the least bad of all sins. All the worst pleasures are purely spiritual: the pleasure of putting other people in the wrong, of bossing and patronizing and spoiling sport, and back-biting; the pleasures of power, of hatred. For there are two things inside me, competing with the human self which I must try to become. They are the Animal self, and the Diabolical self. The Diabolical self is the worse of the two. That is why a cold, self-righteous prig who goes regularly to church may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. But, of course, it is better to be neither.” [30:11.3]
I love that ending there that the regular churchgoer, the Pharisee, right, the cold, self-righteous one who goes regularly to church, is closer to hell than a prostitute, and his contrast between the Animal Self and the Diabolical Self. The Animal Self indulges in hedonism and pleasure and in a kind of self-centeredness, and this is rather an innocent type of bad or evil versus the diabolical one—and, so far, from what I’ve seen of my cursory survey of “Fresh & Fit” podcast, they would not be, as far as I can tell, the diabolical kind of evil, but at worst, you could claim that they’re just immature and pursuing these sort of animal pleasures.
There was a period of my life, a good decade or so, where I clearly pursued that and had a lot of fun, but, of course, that ended up spiraling into a kind of meaninglessness and a kind of emptiness of pleasure, and, eventually, if you take it far enough and you get real, if the person is honest with himself, he will be there. It will lead to that. [31:13.8]
Most people haven’t experienced that level of existential angst or crisis, because they’ve never experienced the heights of their hedonism. They’ve never been able to take it all the way—like I said, they’re fake good people—because they’ve never had the opportunities that are presented to the most attractive people when it comes to sexual abundance and sexual opportunities.
You don’t even need to specify the most beautiful or attractive women. Even a below-average-in-terms-of-attractiveness woman, if she were to go to a nightclub or a big bar in the last hour before closing and were just to say to a random guy, any random guy, “Would you like to have sex with me?” and to even sweeten the deal, “Would you like to have sex with me next door?” or something, make it even easier, eight out of 10 guys, especially if they’re single, will just say yes, and this is not controversial to say. [32:06.7]
I say this pretty confidently because there actually have been studies in which women, as part of the study, go up to men and they give three different scenarios, and one of them is “Would you like to have sex with me?” Another is “Would you like to have coffee with me?” and the other is “Would you like to go home with me?”
The percentage of men who say yes to one of those three, whichever they’re asked, is over 50 percent, whereas when it was flipped, if a man were to say that to a woman, it was zero on the sex and almost zero on the going home. I think it was around 10 percent for those who wanted to go for coffee. When it came to the women asking the lowest condition, the one that had the fewest men saying yes was the one where she asked if they wanted to go to coffee.
Okay, so what you’re looking for are not the outward signs of her being a goody-two-shoes girl following the rules. What you’re looking for instead are signs of good moral character, and this is an issue of virtue and values, and you’ve got to get that clear. Otherwise, you won’t know which women are going to be suitable for a long-term successful relationship. [33:11.7]
Okay, so that’s the first point, looking for a woman of character. The second point quickly—I’m going to make these next two points very quickly because I’ve covered these in other episodes—the second point is somebody who is compassionate for whom compassion comes naturally to them, because love, unconditional love, requires compassion, requires comfort with vulnerability and kindness, so that’s something you should be looking for. If she’s telling you stories about how she manipulated or deceived guys and “Ha-ha-ha, that sucker,” and that sort of thing, these are all marks against her because these are all signs that she lacks compassion and empathy and kindness.
The third is that she is somebody who can commit to something and follows through, even when she doesn’t feel like it. One thing you see a lot in these podcasts that feature a lot of people in their twenties is that they’re basically just following their feelings. They do it if they want to, and this is what hedonism is dictating. They’re following pleasure and their own self-aggrandizement. [34:12.1]
If you want a successful relationship, you’re going to have to power through times when you just don’t feel like you love the person or like the person. But love is deeper than mere feelings. If she hasn’t shown or if she doesn’t have as part of her character, her personality, that she has persevered through things that she knows is right, even though, in the moment, she may not feel like doing it, if she shows the reliability, consistency and can follow through on commitments, this is required. This is something you should be looking for. Does she still show up, even though she doesn’t feel like it, but shows up to be with someone that she loves or to be there by their side, or to follow through on her promises?
Okay, so commitments, compassion, two Cs right there, and the third is character. Those are the three points. I should have started with the three Cs right there: character, compassion, commitment. You’re looking for those three at the very basic level that that’s the minimum for success, for somebody who is ready for a successful relationship. [35:12.7]
Okay, now, speaking to the guys who can’t tell, so they’re like, Hey, they’ve got girls on the podcast, so again, this is like dehumanizing women. “All women are the same, so if you just get ‘a’ woman on there and she speaks whatever, then that represents all women,” this is sort of ridiculous. If you were to say, “Get an Asian on there and that represents all Asians,” you would see how ridiculously racist that is, right?
So, this immature man, the immature male view, is actually sexist, because they’re actually taking away the uniqueness of these women and there are some women who are immature, and you couldn’t expect that much more because the modern woman is sort of spoiled in that regard and she’s in their twenties. They’re in their party phase and there are a lot of temptations for them, so I totally understand. Have fun and don’t expect a whole lot yet, because they haven’t gone through a lot of life yet. [36:02.2]
That, of course, is not to say that age necessarily predicts maturity. Not at all. I’ve met many men and women in their early-twenties who are incredibly mature, more mature than people I know in their fifties. But, again, you’re looking at probability, correlation, and what you might expect.
Okay, as an example of the positive, there are very few examples, it’s so rare. I want to make it so clear that it’s so rare to actually find the right type of person who is ready for a relationship, man or woman. I know very few men who have the maturity level to be right for a relationship. I meet them at the beginning when they’re almost there or they’re a third of the way there, a quarter of the way there, and then they work with me and then they’re all the way there.
So, there’s no judgment about being immature. We all were immature at some point, okay, so there’s no judgment about that. But just recognize that the majority of the world, most people in their twenties and thirties, are not mature enough to succeed in a long-term relationship, the majority being, a ballpark figure, 80 percent. [37:01.7]
I want to give you an example of someone who is an example of a good woman for a relationship. When I’m looking at “Fresh & Fit” and the women they’ve got on there—again, I haven’t watched all 1,000 or whatever videos they’ve got, so I’m going to dig a little further and maybe I’ll take it back, but from what I’ve seen—these are party girls and these are sort of in their wild phase, and they haven’t integrated their shadows and they haven’t actually or seems like they haven’t done a whole lot of inner work yet, and you wouldn’t expect that. They’re still in their party phase.
It’s the same with dudes. I don’t expect a lot of dudes in their twenties to really understand the fullness of what I am speaking about in this podcast, and if you’re in your twenties and you’re listening and you like this, awesome, big kudos to you. Again, for me, it’s not expected.
So, what’s an example of a good woman, a woman who is mature enough for a long-term relationship, but who isn’t in her fifties or sixties, or something like that? I know plenty of real-life examples, but you don’t know them, so it’d be almost possible I’d just end up describing them, and I might do that later, but I want to point at one that you can just look up. [38:09.5]
This is really tricky because this is going to be an example of a person I don’t know personally, because I do know some B- and C-list celebrities that I could list, but I don’t know them well enough to vouch for them, and then find out two or three years later she was cheating on her husband or something. So, I’m going to back off from that because I know I’m not their best friend or their girlfriend or whatever.
But here’s an example where I feel pretty confident. I’m, like, 90 percent confident. If she ends up cheating on her husband or being of bad moral character, I would be kind of surprised, and this person is Amal Clooney. Her maiden name is Amal Alamuddin, and you might have seen this viral clip of Tina Fey and Poehler when they gave her husband George Clooney an award, and they describe her thusly: “Amal Alamuddin is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, an adviser to Kofi Annan on Syria, and was appointed to a three-person commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So, tonight her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.” [39:11.6]
You might want to dig into her bio and all of that to see what I’m referring to, if you don’t know who Amal Clooney is, and this is just an easy example, this is from arm’s length. I don’t know her personally, but from what I’ve seen, this is a great example of someone who is physically attractive with a very high-powered career as an International Court of Justice lawyer, so you’ve got their commitment and compassion right there demonstrated in her career.
Then what you’re looking for is good moral character and that’s the one area where I’m not fully confident about vouching for, but everything I’ve seen is consistent with the probability that she has basic good moral character, and this reflects very well on George Clooney, I think at least once, if not twice, voted the sexiest man alive. Amal Clooney is also the mother of twins now, and I think she’s a good example of the right type of woman for a successful long-term relationship. [40:08.4]
Easy bad examples are the type of women that I’ve seen so far who are featured on “Fresh & Fit”. That’s not a mark against them because I assume that they’re going to grow up at some point, but at that age and the lifestyle choices, and what they’re surrounded by and so on, these are the choices they’ve made, and power to them, live it up. What red pill will call “the wall is about to hit them” when they hit their thirties, and I hope they wake up.
If they want to have children, if they want to find a good, mature man of good moral character who is loyal and responsible, but also who likes to have fun and is sexy and so on, they’d better get their act together when it comes to emotional maturity.
I know all of this firsthand because I was right there with them at that stage of my life. They’re in their twenties doing that. I was in my thirties doing that. For most of my thirties, I was just partying hardcore big time and sleeping around a lot, and it was like I was saying, hanging out with full-time professional gangsters, but also sex workers, strippers, and getting to know them as people. [41:12.7]
Some of them were bad characters and I wouldn’t paint them as evil or they’re not savable or something like that, but their upbringing and maybe their genetics has led them to be a certain way. But I also met plenty of good people and people of good moral character who were just in bad situations.
At that time, I didn’t care about that because my moral views at that time were still forming. Ever since in my late-twenties, I left Christianity from a conservative evangelical perspective. That’s why I know so much about C. S. Lewis. I basically memorized all of his corpus in my teens and it was in my late-thirties that I came around to appreciate the importance of goodness, especially moral goodness, especially when it comes to fulfillment and love, because those are prerequisites.
Goodness is a prerequisite for unconditional love, and this is the topic of another book. Actually, in fact, I’m writing a book where I chart out my journey through all of this, so hopefully, if you want to know more details, that’ll give you a lot more details. [42:11.0]
But I learned this all the hard way, so don’t spend more time. Don’t invest your time and energy into the wrong type of women and then wonder why you can’t get the right type of woman. It’ll rub off on you, and you become more and more like the people that you hang out with, that you spend time with that you invest your energy into.
Invest in yourself in this way of learning about values and virtue, and compassion and commitment, and being able to sense it and spot it in other people, because this is all about your future, your relationship. If you don’t do this, you’re going to end up very likely with the wrong type of woman, and you’re going to have a lot of heartache and it’ll be really bad when things end economically, financially, psychologically, physically, emotionally. This is an investment in yourself, your future, your life. [42:57.7]
In the next episode, I’ll be starting a series on how to access your natural attractiveness, so please come back for that. If you liked this, hit a like on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. Leave a comment, let me know what you thought, and if this benefited you in any way, please share it with anyone else you think could benefit from it.
Thank you so much for listening. See you in the next episode. David Tian, signing out.
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