Here’s a harsh truth for many men to understand, especially the pleasers and fixers: 

It’s not your job as a man to continuously attract your woman or to make her happy. Instead, it’s about understanding the elements that naturally cultivate attraction and happiness within a relationship.

But this approach to dating and attraction is a lot harder because it requires improving yourself at the deepest levels instead of putting on a façade. 

But you know what? 

Despite it being harder, it leads to a more fulfilling relationship. And yes, this includes sexual fulfillment too. 

In today’s episode, I’m answering some tough questions like: 

  1. What are women actually attracted to? 
  2. What keeps women committed in a relationship, especially a long-term relationship where the initial spark has died?
  3. And how do you not only attract a woman, but keep her? 

And I reveal my 3H and 3P methods for helping you understand the complex dance of attraction and commitment that are the cornerstones of building a successful long-term relationship.

Listen now. 

 Show highlights include:

  • Why the initial spark in your relationship dies when you don’t understand this… (0:56) 
  • How wondering how to attract your ideal woman is a sneaky way to display your neediness (and how to stop being needy) (3:59) 
  • The “CRW” secret for naturally attracting women without even trying (7:08)
  • Are women sexually attracted to wealth? Here’s why they’re not (even if they say they are) (13:08) 
  • How meeting the emotional needs of your partner naturally sparks, and intensifies, your attraction to her (and the “P-word” that strengthens these emotional bonds) (18:09) 
  • Why downloading a meditation app on your phone can significantly enhance your attractiveness to women (20:06) 
  • How to both improve the sexual relationship with your partner while also strengthening the emotional bonds that glue the relationship together (28:57) 

Does your neediness, fear, or insecurity sabotage your success with women? Do you feel you may be unlovable? For more than 15 years, I’ve helped thousands of people find confidence, fulfillment, and loving relationships. And I can help you, too. I’m therapist and life coach David Tian, Ph.D. I invite you to take this quick quiz to access my free Masterclasses on dating and relationships at now.

For more about David Tian, go here:

Emotional Mastery is David Tian’s step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions… so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships… and live a life worth living. Learn more here:


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Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.

David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I’m David Tian, your host. In this episode, we’re answering some really tough questions like, What are women actually attracted to? What keeps them committed in a relationship? And, crucially, how do you attract and keep her? These are questions I get all the time and they’re absolutely pivotal to not just stumbling into a relationship, but actually maintaining one that’s vibrant and fulfilling over the long haul. In this episode, I’ll be unpacking what draws women in and what keeps them there. [00:51.2]

But before we even get to that, let’s set the stage with a critical insight. If you don’t have a clue about what attracts and retains a woman in a relationship, you’re basically relying on blind luck. Maybe luck will work for you at the beginning, but here’s the thing, luck will eventually run out. Over time, without understanding what actually keeps the fire alive, that initial spark that you accidentally came onto, will just fizzle out.

That brings me to a really big caveat. There’s a misconception that needs to be exposed right now. It is not your job as a man to continuously attract your woman or to make her happy. That’s right, it is not your job. It is not your responsibility.

For all you fixers and pleasers out there, take a deep breath. I know what it’s like to have this as a default assumption. I have had plenty of parts that have of me that were fixers or pleasers. It might feel like it’s your responsibility to keep her attracted or happy, and that may have been the programming that you got from childhood. But let’s shift that perspective into one that’s healthier, and more effective in creating, sustaining and growing a healthy, loving relationship. [02:10.8]

Knowing what attracts and pleases a woman is powerful, of course. But why? It’s powerful because it gives you choice, control. You get to decide if you want to engage in those behaviors that attract and please her, but, and here’s where it gets real and this is a big but, it’s even better when these behaviors and traits aren’t something that you have to do consciously to keep her around. They should just be part of who you have become so that they’re just naturally you.

And why is this so important? Because mate selection, that is, choosing the right partner, is about 95 percent of what makes a relationship work or not in the long run. You’ve got to become the person that you want to be first, find your groove, your path, journey along it, and then along the way, attract a partner who digs out about you, who is drawn to who you already are. Not someone who you might become if you twist yourself into knots, trying to be what you think they want. [03:12.5]

Before we even get into what women find attractive, let’s get this straight. Your job, your responsibility, isn’t to change yourself to fit someone else’s ideal. Your job is to be so authentically you that the right person can’t help but be attracted to you. It’s about selecting someone who appreciates the real, unfiltered you. That’s where true lasting attraction begins. And if you’re sitting there thinking that means being static or being stuck, think again. This is all about growth and evolution, but it’s about becoming more of who you truly are, not morphing into a new person just to keep someone else happy.Okay, so hopefully, that sets the stage for what we’re about to dive into. Again, we’re directly answering the question, “How can I attract and then keep the woman I want?” Now, let’s unpack this. Straight off the bat, this question betrays an underlying neediness, and here’s the cold hard truth—the more needy you are, the less attractive you are as a man. [04:18.0]

It’s almost like a natural law. Neediness is really about a deeper hunger for significance, security, and a sense of being worthy of love. It’s critical to tackle this head-on. If you’re feeling needy, it’s a signal that you’re not meeting your own emotional needs. It’s not about what someone else can provide for you. It’s about how well you’re taking care of your inner world.

Now, I’ve already devoted several podcast episodes to neediness and how to overcome it, as well as other video seminars on my YouTube channel, so I’m not going to go into detail here about how to overcome your neediness. I’m just pointing out the underlying and relatively severe amount of neediness driving that question. [05:03.1]

I’ll just mention here one of the most effective approaches to overcoming your neediness, which comes from IFS therapy, or Internal Family Systems therapy. Hopefully, you have heard me talk about this because I’ve talked about this in almost every episode of this podcast. This being IFS therapy, it’s a fascinating approach to understand and nurture the various parts of yourself.

Okay, let’s break this down real quick. Imagine your psyche as a family where different parts of you have different needs and roles. They’re like different members of your family. There’s one part of you that might be feeling insecure. Another part that might be incredibly confident or feel incredibly confident. IFS helps you lead from your Higher Self, or what they call your True Self. Think of it as the wise, calm leader of your internal family. Your Higher Self knows how to meet the needs of all of your different parts without having to rely on external validation or an external relationship with somebody else in order to feel complete or valued. [06:02.2]

If you’re leading with neediness, it’s time to ask a deeper question. Why would you want to be with someone who isn’t attracted to you, just as you are? Why chase or try to keep someone who needs convincing of your worth? That can’t be the foundation for a healthy, strong relationship.

Notice, if you recoiled at the first question, “Why would you want to be with someone who isn’t attracted to you just as you are?” it’s because you’re not attracted to yourself just as you are. Notice the underlying toxic shame that needs to be addressed there, so even if you get that other person into a relationship with you, it’s actually going to be to your long-term detriment.

Further, exiles, the parts of you that you are ashamed of and sets up a false Self that you hope no one will notice is false as a way of trying to get the affection or connection or attraction of that other person, it’s setting up a dynamic where you end up performing, trying to earn their affection day in and day out. That’s exhausting and, frankly, maybe more importantly, it’s not sustainable. [07:06.0]

Here’s a shift in perspective. Instead of asking how to attract and keep her, start asking how you can become more comfortable and secure within yourself. How can you nurture your own self-worth and independence? When you work on being content and fulfilled on your own, you naturally become more attractive. People are drawn to individuals who are confident, relaxed, and whole. That kind of energy is magnetic.

It’s about flipping the script from being a man who feels that he needs to constantly attract and keep a woman to being a man who attracts just by being his genuine self—and let me tell you, when you reach that point, you won’t have to worry about attracting the right partner. She’ll come along, as long as you’re putting yourself out there in the world and interacting with people. She will appreciate and love the real you, the complete you, not because you’ve bent over backwards to keep her, but because you’re exactly what she happens to be looking for. That’s the kind of attraction and relationship sustainability that you ought to be aiming for. Not one built on neediness, but one grounded in self-confidence and self-respect. [08:17.0]

Okay, but I’m going to tackle that question head on, just surface level in the most direct way, and I’ll present two of my proprietary models. The first is the 3-H model, and I’ll also be mentioning another model, the 3-P model. The 3-H and the 3-P. Think of these as lenses through which we can view the dynamics of attraction and long-term commitment.

Okay, first up, the 3-H model. The 3-H’s stand for the head, the heart and the hips. They roughly correspond to the intellectual, the emotional, and the sexual. Then there’s the 3-P model, the physical body, the personality and on-paper. Okay, both models give us different angles to understand the complex dance of attraction and relationships. [09:02.3]

Let’s start with a head in the 3-H model. This aspect is all about how a woman views you as a potential life partner. Basically, can you be the person that she’d be proud to introduce to her family? It’s the rational part of the equation, assessing you as a provider, your stability, your status. Essentially, are you someone who can be relied on in the long run for the practicalities of day-to-day life in the modern world?

This dovetails neatly with the on-paper category of the 3-P model. You can think of it like this. If you were being set up or in an arranged marriage, what would your résumé say? It’d be your job, your income, your education. These factors play a huge role here. It’s about how you look on paper, literally. These are the credentials and achievements that can be listed, the things a professional matchmaker would highlight to a potential family looking to arrange a match. [09:56.5]

So, it’s important to understand that the head factor is the on-paper aspects are not what sparked initial attraction, especially not sexual attraction. These elements are more about logical and rational decision-making, and whether you make it easy for her and her family to rationalize their decision of choosing you. It’s about security and suitability for a long-term partnership, rather than immediate sexual, fiery attraction.

But don’t underestimate the power of the head, especially when it comes to long-term relationships. It’s often what keeps a partner committed, considering whether to deepen the relationship into something like moving in together, or getting engaged, marriage or starting a family.

You can tie this into evolutionary psychology. Evolutionarily speaking, traits like resource availability, which includes your ability to provide and your status along with physical prowess and emotional stability, these are all seen as key indicators of a good partner. These traits have historically played a huge role in female mate-selection and the priorities can differ significantly between men and women. [11:03.6]

Of course, this is all in the context of heterosexual relationships. I should have been saying that all along, but I’ve been taking that for granted, which I really shouldn’t be. This is in the context of heterosexual men and women. Men might historically prioritize youth and fertility, looking for cues and physical appearance that suggest health. Women, on the other hand, often look for signs of resource availability and emotional stability, seeking a partner who not only can provide, but also be a stable rock in chaotic times or emotional storms.

These evolutionary drives manifest in modern relationships, too, of course. Even in contexts where gender roles are far more fluid, these primal instincts still influence our decisions often at an unconscious level. This doesn’t mean modern relationships are just about finding someone who ticks all the boxes in a primal survival checklist, of course, but these elements do form a part of the complex matrix of attraction. [12:00.3]

Understanding these dynamics allows you to see where you might stand in someone else’s eyes or in a potential partner’s eyes. It can help you understand what you bring to the table and perhaps what areas you might want to develop over time, not just for others, but for your own personal growth and fulfillment.

Both the 3-H and 3-P models provide a framework to see how diverse elements of attraction and commitments interplay. They show us that while the spark of immediate physical attraction is powerful, the lasting flame of a relationship is fed by a blend of emotional connection, physical desire, and a rational assessment of partnership potential because of the practicalities of modern life.

Let’s talk a little bit more about the on-paper factors. These factors like your job, financial stability, your social status, feed into the head category on the 3-H model and while these might not crank up the heat on sexual attraction, keep that in mind, they certainly explain why couples might come together or why they might stay together, especially in scenarios like arranged marriages, or pragmatic partnerships. [13:05.6]

And here’s where it gets a bit tangled up. A lot of guys think that women are outright sexually attracted to wealth, to money, but here’s the scoop—the idea that women desire wealthy men primarily comes from survey-based research. When you ask someone in a survey, “What do you look for in a partner?” they’re answering from a logical place, activating the cool, rational part of their brain.

Under the microscope of cold, calm reason, of course, practical factors like financial stability get the limelight. But, of course, that’s not the full story, especially when it comes to sexual attraction, because, largely, it’s unconscious. Attraction, real palpable, sexual attraction, leans heavily on the heart and the hips. It’s about emotional connections and physical desire.

I see this misconception a lot among the bitter, resentful guys who feel like they’ve been left out of the mating game and they just see that the guys that the women are getting happen to be richer than them or doing well financially, and they think it’s just about money. [14:06.7]

But when a woman meets a guy who she’s not physically attracted to, but is wealthy and she’s, in some sense, drawn to that, she’s not seeing this rich guy and getting turned on and sexually aroused because he’s wealthy. If she’s drawn to the wealthy aspect of this guy, it’s that she’s thinking, “Shopping spree,” and she’s already planning the Hermès Birkin that she’s going to buy, and of course, that’s just the women who have loose morals.

The thing that really confuses a lot of guys is that they don’t realize that wealth is not just a number in a bank account. What really pulls women in, what really makes a wealthy man attractive isn’t the wealth itself, but the traits it signifies, assuming that it’s self-made wealth. Think about what it means if someone has built their wealth from the ground up. It signals self-confidence, resourcefulness, intelligence, reliability, perseverance depending on the industry they’re in, being good with people and socially savvy, being emotionally intelligent, and the list goes on. These are traits that resonate on a deeper, more instinctual level as attractive. [15:12.3]

When we talk about wealth and attraction, it’s essential to peel back the layers. Women aren’t daydreaming about lottery winners who lucked into their fortunes. They’re instead attracted to the qualities that someone demonstrates having achieved that wealth. It’s not the shiny objects themselves that are inherently attractive. It’s what the pursuit and achievements of the shiny object, so to speak, what the pursuit and achievement of those says about the person.

This is where a lot of guys get tripped up. They just see the surface, like the money, the nice cars, expensive clothes, and they think that that’s the ticket. But, actually, the magic happens deeper than that. It’s about who you had to become to earn those things. Did you cultivate discipline, intelligence, a sense of purpose, perseverance, persistence? Did you learn to navigate challenges with resolution and grace to stand firm in the face of adversity, and so on? Those are the qualities that light fires in the heart and the hips, not just in the head. [16:14.6]

Remember, attraction is multifaceted. It’s not just about checking boxes on a list of desirable qualities. It’s about the whole human experience, the struggles, the triumphs and the growth. That’s what we’re drawn to and others. That’s what we find sexy. It’s the spirit behind the symbols of success that truly captivates. So, if you’re thinking of focusing on building wealth to attract your partner, it’s not just the end goal that matters, remember. It’s what you embody along the way. It’s who you become along the way, and that’s a powerful part of attraction that resonates far beyond the superficial elements. [16:52.3]

No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It’s why they can’t give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It’s why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.

Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.

Learn more about this transformational program by going to

That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Okay, so let’s dive now into the juicy parts of attraction, specifically the heart and the hips, the other two components of the 3-H model. This is really where the attraction happens whereas the head components or features are really about the post-hoc rationalization for the unconscious decisions made at the level of the heart and the hips. [18:07.6]

Okay, let’s start with the heart. When we talk about the heart, we’re talking about emotional connection, not the actual literal physical heart. It’s about the feelings that emerge when someone feels genuinely connected to another person. This connection isn’t just about liking the same movies or having fun on dates. It’s deeper than that. It’s about feeling seen, heard, understood, valued, safe. When these emotional needs are met, especially in women who are more attuned to their feminine energy, then attraction naturally gets sparked and intensifies.

One key way to strengthen this emotional connection in the heart is through presence. Being present isn’t just about being physically there. It’s about being mentally and emotionally fully engaged with the person that you’re interacting with. When you’re present, you’re giving someone your full attention. At minimum, it means not just nodding along while your mind wanders off to your work or your phone, or to your next meal. [19:04.0]

Presence meets a woman’s need to feel seen and heard. When you listen deeply to someone, when you engage with their feelings and thoughts without judgment or distraction, you make them feel valued. That feeling of being valued is incredibly powerfully attractive. It tells someone that they matter to you, that what they say and feel is important, and in a world where everyone is constantly connected to devices and distracted, giving real undivided attention is rare and valuable even more in the modern world.

Presence also plays a crucial role in making someone feel safe. When you’re fully present, it shows that you’re reliable, that you can be counted on to be there, not just physically, but emotionally. This sense of safety and reliability can significantly boost emotional intimacy, which in turn enhances sexual attraction. [19:53.7]

So, how do you become more present? The best way to do it is by going significantly through the therapeutic process, and I’ve gone into that in a lot more detail, an entire podcast episode, several of them. But I’ll mention here one aspect of it that I have time enough to focus on and that I think is readily available to almost everyone with a phone, because there are many apps that help with this, and this is mindfulness.

Mindfulness and mindfulness meditation are fantastic tools for improving your ability to be present. It’s essentially about training your mind to focus on the current moment, to be fully engaged in the here and now without distraction from past regrets or future anxieties, or any other kind of distractions around you.

Practicing mindfulness doesn’t just help in romantic relationships. It’ll enhance all of your interpersonal interactions, whether at work, with friends, or even during everyday encounters. By improving your mindfulness through regular meditation, you can increase your awareness and control over your own focus, making it easier to engage deeply whenever you want to or whenever you’re interacting with someone. [21:05.5]

Here’s a quick tip on getting started with mindfulness meditation. Begin by setting aside just a few minutes each day to sit quietly and focus on your breathing. Notice the air moving in and out of your lungs. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Feel the sensations in your body as you breathe in and you breathe out, and whenever your mind wanders, gently bring your attention back to your breath, breathing in, feeling the air going through your nostrils, and then out through your mouth. Just setting a timer for five minutes or so, or if you can extend it to 10 or 20, it’s even better. This basic mindfulness practice can help you cultivate a habit of presence. [22:04.0]

As you get better at this, you’ll find that your capacity for presence in social situations improves dramatically. You’ll be better able to listen, respond and connect with others, which naturally makes you more attractive. It shows that you care, that you’re invested and that you value the people you’re with.

Now, if all you had was a heart connection, a hundred-percent heart connection and zero-percent hips connection, then you’re not going to get sexual attraction. You’ll get a really deep platonic connection, like you have with friends or family that you love. But if you want to turn it up into sexual attraction, we’ve got to move on to the hips.

The interplay between the heart and hips creates a dynamic that can either be fleeting or deeply connecting or captivating, depending on how well these different needs are met and the balance between them. Understanding this balance can really open your eyes to the different ways that attraction and sexual desire, how they play out in relationships. [23:06.6]

Okay, first, let’s talk about when it’s all heart, but a little bit of hips. Imagine you are deeply connected with someone on an emotional level. You share your hopes, fears, dreams. You’re really tuned into each other. But there’s a catch, physically, you’re just not into them. This could happen, for instance, when someone finds their partner emotionally appealing, but physically unattractive. It’s a tough spot, you value them, maybe love them even, but that spark, that physical passion, it’s not there.

Now, that was a scenario of all heart, but a little bit of hips. What about a scenario of all heart, a hundred-percent heart and zero-percent hips, no hips at all? This is an odd case of maybe someone having pity sex with her best friend. I’m imagining a strange scenario where a woman has sex with her male best friend, a heterosexual, who is a virgin and doesn’t want to die a virgin before he goes to the frontlines of a war the next morning. In fact, I think I saw a movie with this subplot. [24:00.2]

Okay, on the flip side, consider when it’s all hips and no heart. This is just straightforward lust. Physical attraction can be off the charts, but emotionally, there can be nothing. It’s like times when someone catches your eye and your body reacts, but you don’t feel any deeper bond or attachment, or the person is really hot and then you start talking to them, and then you’re just sort of turned off because of the stuff they say or maybe the sound of their voice.

You might force yourself to go through with it if it’s a hundred-percent hips and zero heart. This might be a steamy one-night stand where you’re basically telling the person not to talk, or if there’s a little bit of a heart involved so you can stand talking to the person for maybe an hour over drinks, then this might be a one-night stand, or if you can stand it longer in the interactions with them, it’d be a fling that’s physically satisfying, but emotionally shallow.

There is fun to be had here, of course, but it doesn’t fulfill any deeper needs for emotional connection. In fact, a purely physical encounter can range from a casual hookup to, I don’t know, a satisfying session with a sex worker. It’s all about the hips there, immediate intense physical pleasure without any emotional strings attached. [25:09.4]

Now, let’s consider a scenario that’s mostly heart with a bit of hips. This is about deep, soulful connections where physical intimacy might be present, but takes a backseat to emotional intimacy. This kind of connection can be profoundly satisfying and often involves a type of vulnerability that’s rare and special.

Many people find this kind of emotionally-charged intimacy challenging because it demands so much openness. However, a significant number of women report enjoying this kind of connection during intimate moments, appreciating the deep emotional bond that it fosters, although perhaps not all the time, maybe just 20 percent or 40 percent of the time.

Interestingly, while there’s a place for deep emotional connection, research actually suggests that many women prefer a more assertive dominant partner during sex as a default. This doesn’t necessarily mean extreme forms of dominance, like BDSM, but it can include a sort of behavior like playful dominance, which might involve some light hair-pulling, playful spanking, dirty talk, roleplay. [26:12.6]

Not all the time, but striking the balance between dominance and emotional connection that you and your partner prefer can elevate your intimacy to another level, mixing both heart and hips in just the right combination for the two of you—and this brings us to a puzzling point for many men, how emotional connection can influence sexual desire.

It’s not just about being hot or physically attractive. It’s also about how someone makes you feel, emotionally valued, seen and understood, and safe. That emotional layer can significantly amplify the physical attraction, making the whole experience richer and more fulfilling.

Let’s dive into some intriguing sexology research that really helps illuminate how the heart and the hips mesh together to shape sexual attraction and deepen relationships. Marta Meana’s work is especially enlightening here. Marta Meana is a renowned scholar in the field of clinical psychology. She was once the acting president of UNLV, and her work has highlighted a key aspect of women’s sexual arousal that many might overlook, and that’s the importance of being desired. [27:20.4]

According to Meana, for many women, the crux of sexual arousal hinges on the feeling of being intensely desired. This isn’t just about craving the physical aspects of sex. It’s about the profound psychological impact of knowing that someone finds you irresistible. This desire goes beyond the superficial. It touches on deep-seated emotional needs and can profoundly affect a woman’s sexual experience. In fact, a lot of the power of the Rake character that his desire for the Beloved overwhelms and overpowers his willpower and discipline and self-control, and that’s a huge compliment to that woman’s sexual desirability. [27:58.8]

This, again, is where the concept of presence is so important. When a man is fully present, that is, emotionally attentive, genuinely engaged, fully in the moment with her, it signals to this woman that her partner not only desires her physically, but it’s also invested in her emotionally. This level of engagement meets a deep emotional need for significance, security and connection, making her feel valued and desired on multiple levels.

Consider this. When a woman feels that her partner truly desires her, not just physically, but also emotionally, it can transform the entire dynamic of their intimacy. This isn’t just about the act of sex. It’s about creating a shared space where both partners feel seen and appreciated, where their emotional and physical needs are appreciated and met.

Marta Meana’s insights suggest that this feeling of being desired can significantly enhance a woman’s sexual satisfaction. It makes the experience richer and more fulfilling for her. This is a crucial point for anyone looking to deepen a relationship’s passion. By understanding and integrating this need for being desired, you can not only improve the sexual relationship, but also strengthen the emotional bonds that hold the partnership together. [29:12.0]

Now, remember that, as I said before, if the attraction is only in the heart and zero in the hips, being present with her will make her feel seen, heard, understood, desired, and safe, but because there is zero activation in the hips level, the connection will only be platonic. Obviously, you’ve got to have some level of hips attraction that has some level of physical attraction for each other, in order to experience both an emotional connection and sexual attraction at the same time. Attraction beyond the one-night stand or casual hookup must be both emotional and physical, in other words, involve both the heart and the hips.

Okay, so some guys are probably wondering, I don’t have much physical attractiveness, so how am I going to trigger that attraction at the hips level? If I can’t go through some severe or extreme cosmetic surgery, what can I do? Okay, so there is an intriguing overlap between the 3-H and 3-P models that helps with this, specifically focusing on the personality aspect of the three P’s. [30:13.3]

The personality blends elements that affect both the heart and the hips, creating a potent mix that can significantly elevate your attractiveness. Personality is a massive player in the attraction game. Sure, physical appearance matters. Never underestimate the power of fashion and fitness, like a sexy makeover or getting six-pack abs and boulder shoulders. You can actually do something to significantly improve your hips-level attractiveness without cosmetic surgery. There are entire multibillion dollar industries devoted to this.

But let’s not forget, a lot of what makes someone truly sexy goes beyond just the external appearance. It’s about those personality traits that light up a room and draw people in and arouse people. Don’t forget how personality traits convey themselves and are sub-communicated through the way you move, speak even your eye contact, so personality itself has an important physical dimension. [31:10.0]

Sexy personality traits include self-confidence, which can sometimes come off as arrogance to those not feeling too great about themselves or with low self-esteem. Sexy personality traits also include courage, boldness, and assertiveness. These are qualities that show you’re not afraid to go after what you want. They speak volumes to someone who’s looking for a partner who is secure and grounded, and can be counted on, and these are traits that can be learned, practiced and mastered.

Being comfortable with your sexuality, being passionate, energetic, and independent, these are all sexually attractive personality traits as well. These traits tell a potential partner that you’re not just alive, but you’re living vibrantly. You’ve got a fire inside that’s not just about surviving, but thriving, and that she can be open and honest with you about sex and sexuality. [31:56.2]

Let’s not skip creativity, humor, wit, being artistic, perceptive, and passionate. All of these qualities make interactions with you exciting and engaging. Emotional maturity is another big one, being wise, having a higher perspective, showing compassion. These qualities make you a safe harbor in a storm, someone who can be trusted and relied on. It’s about being someone who not only understands their own emotions, but also respects and responds deeply to the emotions of others.

All these sexy personality traits can be developed. This isn’t just about playing the hand you’re dealt. It’s about actively cultivating the characteristics that make you more attractive. This kind of personality development has its roots deep in ancient wisdom going back multiple thousands of years. They’re echoed in the teachings of Confucian traditions, Christian traditions, Buddhist traditions, and many more. These practices aren’t just about moral uprightness. The process can also be used to forge a character that attracts, engages and inspires. [32:57.2]

I took these age-old concepts of character cultivation way back, almost 20 years ago, and applied them to modern contexts, like flirting, banter, seduction, and leadership. This was about recognizing the power of actively shaping your personality to enhance your life and interactions. This approach to developing a sexy personality is essential. Don’t do it out of shame or dissatisfaction with who you are. Do it because you see the value in adding these dimensions to your life, because you want to. It’s about expanding your capacities and stepping into a fuller expression of yourself.

If this concept of character cultivation strikes a chord with you, let me know. I’m all for diving deeper into this topic, maybe even turning it into a new podcast series. It’s a subject close to my heart, one that I’ve taught at both undergraduate and graduate levels back when I was a philosophy professor in the universities.Okay, as we wrap up today’s episode, let’s quickly recap the essential points we’ve explored about attraction and the dynamic interplay of the head, the heart and the hips. [34:00.8]

We kicked things off by busting a myth that it’s not your job to keep someone attracted or to make them happy. Instead, it’s about understanding the elements that naturally cultivate attraction and happiness within a relationship. Remember, if you’re constantly trying to change yourself to fit someone else’s mold, you’re playing a losing game.

We then dived into the 3-H model, head, heart, hips, and the 3-P model, physical body, personality and on-paper. These models help us understand not just what initially attracts someone, but what keeps them engaged and committed in the long term. The head concerns how you stack up on paper. Think jobs, status, security, factors that might not spark immediate attraction, but are crucial for long term stability.

Next, we explored the heart, all about emotional connection. We discussed how being present and fully engaged in your interactions can profoundly impact a relationship. Feeling seen, heard and valued is what fosters deep emotional bonds, which are indispensable for a lasting relationship. [35:07.0]

Then there’s the hips where physical and sexual attraction come into play. We talked about how sexual desire isn’t just about physical looks, but it’s deeply intertwined with how someone feels emotionally valued and desired. Then let’s not forget the overlap with personality from the 3-P model, highlighting how traits like confidence, humor and charisma contribute massively to both heart and hips appeal. It’s these traits that can make someone magnetically attractive, not just physically, but on a much deeper, more emotional level.

Understanding these components, the head, the heart and the hips, is crucial. They each play a distinct role in attraction and relationship dynamics. It’s not enough to excel in just one area. The magic happens when you have all three going. This doesn’t only make you more attractive, it makes relationships more fulfilling and more likely to last. [35:57.5]

Remember that it’s not about changing who you are out of shame, but about understanding how these elements play out in your interactions and relationships, and who you select as your partner and what you choose to cultivate in your life. So, as you move forward, think about how you can cultivate these different aspects within yourself. Whether it’s enhancing your head factors, deepening the emotional connection of the heart, or wrapping up your hips appeal, each plays a vital role in crafting meaningful lasting relationships that have a spark of passion and attraction. Remember, attraction is multilayered, and understanding these layers is the key to not just attracting someone, but creating a vibrant, lasting partnership.

Thank you so much for listening. If you liked this episode, hit a like or subscribe, or follow on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. If you’d like to be a guest and work with me on a future podcast episode, shoot an email to and tell us a bit about your background and the issues you’d like to focus on. If this has benefited you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it.Thank you so much for listening. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [37:06.4]