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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Should You Get A Hotter Girl, Girlfriend, Or Wife?
Winning the hot woman is not the be-all and end-all solution, David Tian Ph.D. explains why.
David Tian Ph.D. tells us that as we mature, we realize that life is about a lot more than physicality.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. talks about superficiality and why you need to grow into a person of more depth that can appreciate things of more importance, of greater value, that are more lasting than just physical appearance.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 107, I answer the question of: Should you get a hotter wife?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! It’s David Tian, Ph.D. And for the past ten years, I’ve been helping tens of thousands of people in over 87 countries find success in dating and relationships, And this is Episode 107! Welcome to Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am here in Shanghai. You can see The Bund there. Nice view of The Bund. And then in fact, you can also see Pudong. You can see there’s the tower there. Pretty cool view from here. There’s some nice ships going back, all lit up. It’s some cruise ships and such.
Okay, so let’s see. I dropped the barbell. I realized you can see this cut here, I dropped the barbell along my face today. And I thought I had it, and I was trying to rack it but it was on my jaw. So, that was kind of painful. Get a spotter. That’s my lesson from that one, or just not be too ambitious. Okay, there we go. Cool. I was also working out at a time I wasn’t used to. I think that was it. Blame the timing. Okay, how’s the lighting? A lot of shadows here. Okay, anyway, getting to the point. We’re going to try to keep this under seven to eight minutes. That’s the idea for most of these coming up now.
Great, got a question here from John. And it’s a long question. I’m going to try to sum it up as usual. Basically, it’s a question about his uncle. Why his uncle, who is this big pimp dude, almost sounds like literally, and then he married his wife as an uglier woman. The wife is ugly, he’s saying. And he’s asking, “Can you explain this?” Okay, this is kind of a bizarre question. And then after I went back and forth with a few more questions to get him to clarify with what the confusion itself is, it turns out his uncle, who used to be a pimp actually, is now married to a woman who is not that physically attractive. But the uncle also is seeing – has mistresses, other women. So, that’s happening.
He’s just asking why this is the case. And he’s puzzled, I suppose. If I could get to the bottom of that more about the puzzlement there, it would be helpful. But I think the confusion is – he’s saying, “Here’s this guy who had, at his disposal – he’s literally a pimp, so he was handling, managing women for sex” – they’re prostitutes – “Why is it that he ended up with a woman who’s uglier?”
So, once he explained to me that this guy has mistresses, it all sort of made sense and pretty obvious to me. But I think here’s the problem. A lot of dudes think that the end all and be all of learning about dating, and especially the pick-up artist guys. So, any pick-up guys, listen up. Your idea of the ideal scenario, like you win. Like, at the end of the Neil Strauss’ book “The Game”, he ‘won’ because he ended up with a hot girl. I think that’s it. You guys think that the trophy or the pot of gold at the end of this rainbow, or at the end of this hard journey, is a hot girl who is throwing whatever fuck else you guys like. Like smart, high status, bullshit, whatever your insecurities are. You want that in the girl, plus that she’s hot.
And it’s not just a guy thing. I’ve seen this among girls, a lot of girls. Especially – well, a lot of girls. Especially the ones who go to clubs. They keep focusing on whether the girl is hot. Like, “Oh, how hot is the girlfriend?” Like, hot, hot, hot. It’s this word that just get bandied about to show a lot of superficiality. So, everyone’s just like thinking the end all be all of dating is to get a hot girlfriend. This is really stupid. Let me tell you why. And John, going back and forth with you, I know you’re an intelligent guy, so I’m going to give you a nerdy, geeky analogy for this.
Here’s a phone, and I’m going to take the case off so you can see how beautiful this thing is. It’s a really beautiful phone, right? It is an iPhone 6. Now, can you remember back to iPhone 2? You probably can’t, right? But I remember the very first iPhones. They had the curved backs. Remember those? They’re like curved. And if you put it on the table, it sort of rocked. It was really cool back then. It still is cool, I guess. I have now a 6. Now, imagine that you had, at that time, the best fucking phone ever.
You had the best iPhone. The most beautiful iPhone fucking available in 2007 when it first came out. You had the top – like it just came off the machine and it’s beautiful. No one’s touched it before. It is just perfect, right? You had the best, most perfect, physically attractive device and it was the most intelligent device available at that time. It was just the best device you could have in 2007. Now, you’re still alive and it’s 2016 or whatever year you’re watching this. And now, there’s a generation 6. And coming up this year, generation 7 iPhone. But too fucking bad, because you married iPhone 1. You don’t get to upgrade your phone. You don’t get to upgrade your wife. You’re stuck, that’s it.
If what you’re fucking looking for is looks, smarts, whatever fuck else your superficial bullshit. No matter how good it is, there’s always going to be better, right? Because eventually that girl is going to grow up to be a 70 year old lady. And I don’t know any guy – there’s always some guy, like .01 percent dudes, who are into 70 year old, 80 year old porn or some shit. But most guys would say, “Ugh.” You know, all things being equal, they’d rather take the nice, hot, young 25 year old girl, whatever, versus the 75 year old lady, even though they both have great hearts. Most guys that who are watching this, the type of guys who would ask a question like that.
“Like my uncle, he says he’s really good with women, or he’s supposed to be really good with women, he ended up with a woman who’s not physically attractive. I don’t get that.” Just the fact that that’s a question at all… Because I followed it up. Obviously, I asked, “Does he seem happy?” And the answer was yes, but he has mistresses. Which is kind of, “Okay, why is he happy then? Because he’s got mistresses?” But he said their relationship seemed okay.
First of all, as you age, you get more mature, hopefully. Not everyone does, but hopefully you do. And you realize that life is about a lot more than physicality. But I know that most young people, especially in clubs, don’t know this and that’s why they’re chasing the elusive high. That’s why they keep going back to the fucking clubs, looking for the next thing. They’re like drug addicts, but it’s like in the club. Not physically drugs, but sometimes they’re actually literally drug addicts, but the drug is pleasure. Pleasure, pleasure, pleasure. They just want to put more shit on their tongue, like literally. They want to put more in their body, like literally. They just want more. They just want to sit there and go. “Ah, give me sensations! Give me pleasure! Give me pleasure!” Right? That’s their life.
So, I was just watching a video talking about tech, and he’s saying we’re only going to be, 30 years from now, in a virtual reality world with contact lenses and just beaming into each other instead of meeting each other in person. And yeah, that’s where it’s going. The youngsters really just want that. They just want pleasure, right? And ego gratification. So yeah, it makes sense. The trophy wife for those guys – or the trophy – is a physically attractive woman who has whatever their insecurities are.
So, it’s either intelligence, height. Most of them are just looking for a smart, hot girl. That’s usually what all they say. Oh, and money. Status, money whatever their own insecurities are. So, there you go, man. You’re just looking for the best iPhone. That’s what you’re fucking looking for. The problem is, you don’t get to upgrade that iPhone. So, no matter what, if you are the big pimp daddy and you get the hottest girl, you get the hottest model in 2016. In 2025, that model is obsolete. So, if you’re a smart guy, you will never be just looking for a fucking good model, because there’s no good model that will last forever.
That will be top of the line forever. And some of these women, they try to do that, right? Like Silicone Valley or whatever. They try to go for constant upgrades of their nose, of the fucking ears, of their faces. You know, and that might give them…It’s like upgrading the hardware. Sort of like you can take the same phone. And instead of getting the brand new iPhone 7, you just try to upgrade this thing, or you try to take an iPhone 1 and try to upgrade it to be as good as an iPhone 6. That’s really hard. And Apple actually made it so it’s hard to open it up and shit. It’s really hard to do that, and you’ll end up looking like a Frankenstein, like a Frankenstein iPhone, or like a Frankenstein person.
So, superficiality, man. Because I know John, I asked you later ,right? You’re like, “Yeah, this girl I’m dating now. She’s the best physically. She’s the hottest girl and the smartest girl I’ve ever dated before, so I’m going to keep her.” And on that note, on those metrics, you’re basically just articulating to me that you found the best iPhone in that year 2016. That’s all. It doesn’t mean shit. Because next year, who knows? We’re talking about human beings, right? So, all you need to do is, how many human beings have you met in your life time? No matter what, it’s going to be less in a million. Like, actually interacted with.
There are seven billion people in this world. You can just keep meeting people, and there’s bound to be somebody who’s better. Or just wait, because every year there are new entrants into the market. So, wait 20 years and there’s going to be another… As a male, if you continue building your value, and continue in your career, improving each year, your value socially to most societies, most people, will increase over time. And you’re going to be able to access more newer models, so to speak. I’m taking this analogy quite far, but I think it holds well.
So, the superficiality there makes a lot of sense. Now, that’s explaining the situation where your uncle, who could, you think, in your mind, could’ve married a woman who’s more physically attractive. And I’m explaining why he would pick a woman who is less physically attractive. And for mature people, I know you’re laughing at this because it’s just so obvious, but I’m trying to… Young people think this way, okay? And I used to think this way at one point in my life. So, a lot of guys just want a hot girl.
In fact, I’ve got friends whose companies are called DateHotterGirls.com and shit like that. It’s just appealing to that superficiality. I refuse to pander to that, so I’m not going there, but a lot of boys do. So, if you’re still there, looking for the hottest, smartest girl you can possibly get… And when you say to me that your girl is great because she’s hot and smart, like she won whatever pageants and she has whatever university degree – that means nothing to me, okay? It’s just like bragging about your iPhone, right now, this year. I’ll wait for the upgrade, it’s like whatever.
So, that explains that situation. But actually, your uncle’s situation is different. Your uncle’s situation is that he’s got mistresses. So, this is a typical thing in Asia. This is an Asian guy. You have the guy who marries for face value, to give the family face. A respectable girl. And someone who won’t bring shame on the family. So somebody who’s a good match for the family, because Asian societies – even if it’s your uncle, he’s probably in his 50s, right? So, back then, when they were getting married, it was still largely about alliances between families.
So especially if you are wealthy or you have some status in your society, you have to keep it respectable. So, you marry someone who’s of respectable status for you. And then you say he was like a pimp or some shit, which is kind of weird. But hey, that means he has access to the nastiest slut hoes… I’m stereotyping, I don’t know if they’re slutty, but they’re hoes, literally. So, he has access to that. So, he’s just going to keep pumping and dumping a bunch of young girls. And then his main thing is still that girl. I mean, it’s like fucking house of cards and shit, right? This is a common practice among rich, powerful people. They can have it all. And as long as both sides keep up appearances, they’ll just turn a blind eye to whatever the other side’s doing because they didn’t get married for love in the first place.
So, I think that’s the situation here. Now, here’s the thing. I asked you, do you think they’re happy? And you don’t fucking know. You don’t know. And it could be one of those situations where Asian women, traditionally, not right now, not the women in their 20s but traditionally were more accepting of men going on business trips, and doing a little paid stuff on the side, or how business deals were being done and are still being done in karaoke bars with amateur prostitution going on – and sometimes formalized prostitution going on, and that being culturally acceptable.
So, it could be one of those cases where she accepts that as long as he doesn’t bring it home. I don’t know, but those are common situations in Asia. And those are probably the situation of your uncle, but I thought it would be more interesting to comment on the reason you’re asking this question in the first place, which is where you assume that a guy would want to marry the hottest, physically hottest girl he can find. And that’s just stupid. It’s just stupid. But I know, you’re a kid. You’re basically in your early 20s or whatever.
So, you’re still growing through that. So hopefully, you’ll become a person of more depth and you’ll be able to appreciate things of more importance, of greater value, that are more lasting than just physical appearance, and then maybe you’ll be able to understand what real value means. Okay, that was pretty deep towards the end, even though we’re talking about prostitutes. So, join the private Facebook group. Join the private Facebook group. I’ll see you in there. Until then, Man Up!