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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Should You Dump Your Girlfriend For The Girl You’ve Always Wanted?
David Tian Ph.D. tells us when we shouldn’t be in a committed relationship.
David Tian Ph.D. explains what being an emotional vampire is.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. reveals what happens when we are not being upfront.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD, and in this video, I answer the question: Should you dump your girlfriend for the girl you’ve always wanted? Welcome to Man Up 203.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, PhD., and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love, and welcome to Episode 203. We’re here in Toronto in the garden of an Airbnb in Yorkville, in a cheap part of town. We’re filming this. It’s been a lot of family visits this trip into Toronto. We just came in from New York. I had three weekend events to conduct. I have another one coming up next weekend, so on top of that, of course there’s a lot of family visits and just trying to maximize family time. I only get that once a year here at least, so we’re really behind in the Man Up episodes and in terms of content production.
I apologize for that, but it is August and it seems like a lot of people are taking the time off anyway. We have our editing team taking a week off. Hopefully, I will be able to get this file to them in time before they take off, but no promises. A lot of content coming up, a lot of content planned, so thank you for watching this and for sticking with it. Alright, I got a question from the Man Up private Facebook group. Join that group. We’re over 16,000 right now as of this filming of this video, some pretty mature people in there giving feedback. Great group.
Question here comes from Zach.
“I have a dilemma. I’ve been with my girlfriend now for six months. We’ve had our ups and downs just like any relationship, however the last month or two has been pretty dreadful due to some…” Okay. “Maybe three weeks ago, my best friend and crush over the past 10 years admitted that she had very strong feelings for me and has for a long time. I admitted the same to her. I’m in love with my current girlfriend, but I’m not 100% certain I want to be with her forever, except on the days where I am 100% certain I want to be with her.”
But there’s also the friend/crush who has been by my side through thick and thin for years, and I would hate to pass up an opportunity to be with her. But I’m afraid if I break up with my current girlfriend, I know my heart will be shattered and I’ll be wondering what I missed out on.” Wow, you’re so self-centered. “I know if I broke up with her, my heart would be shattered.”
“Any tips on how I should go about making decisions? Thank you.”
I let that go and I wanted to see what the community would come in and say. There are a shit ton of comments on here, but it’s revealing, the replies he’s been giving them. To keep going, some replies, some more from Zach.
“I get to a point where I want to leave my girlfriend and be with this other girl, and then my girlfriend will do something sweet or just look at me a certain way and I’m head over heels again. And I talk to my friend/crush, and I become head over heels for her, and her and I have way more in common. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde most days because I go so back and forth of who would make me happiest in the long run.” Wow, you’re so narcissistic. I mean narcissistic in the pop way, not the disorder; just self-centered.
“Because honestly, they both would, and I don’t want to not be with either of them. That’s not how my world works, lol. The crush knows the current situation with me and my girlfriend, and she just left her husband of 3 or so years. She’s already ready to move on with me,” even though you’re with a girlfriend, and she totally knows that.
“We didn’t have a sexual relationship in the past, although I guess you could say we do now even though we haven’t actually had sex. We’ve gotten a little past physical and some dirty talk, but nothing past that. My heart tells me to stay with my current girlfriend, but my gut tells me to try with a crush. I’ve never had to be the one to break up with someone, so if that’s the route I go, I’m not even sure how to go about it.”
And then one of the immature guys in the group responded. I got to leave the comments open because I don’t want to be a communist and police too much in the group. Sometimes, the comments are hit and miss. I’m always learning no matter what happens in the comments. And sometimes, as long as a comment isn’t way over the top, I let it go and we just don’t have the manpower to censor or monitor all the comments. For the guys who are wondering, “How come I’m getting some okay advice or bad advice, and then some really golden advice?” It’s because we try not to monitor too heavily or censor too heavily.
Anyway, James replied, “Fuck it. You only live once. Just go for it. Take the crush away. Take her on a holiday and give the both of you great times, so even if it doesn’t work out, you can have the best memories. Yes, do it. Man up and take the plunge.”
Zach says, “I think I’m going to do that.”
James says, “Yes, it will be so intense you won’t know what hit you. Don’t waste another minute. Call her and do it. Let me know how it goes.”
A bunch of other guys are like, “This is ridiculous.” Richard has an interesting comment. “I know for a fact you do not love your current girlfriend.” Quite insightful, Richard. “You just have Captain Fix the Chick syndrome. But also know if you drop her for your friend, you will feel like shit and not be able to give her your all. I say drop the girlfriend, you can’t fix her.”
Anyway, there’s all kinds of back and forth advice. I let it run for a while, and I’m now going to weigh in on this. Hopefully, you are entertained by Zach and his wishy-washiness and waffling. I took these screenshots a little while ago, but the final comment that I saw was, “I’m going to stay with my current girlfriend, because honestly that’s where my heart is. If I’m having this much trouble leaving her, maybe it’s a sign that we’re not finished yet.”
That’s good, Zach. If you had to choose between staying with the current girlfriend and dumping her and going with the crush, I think the slightly better choice is to stay with the current girlfriend, only because you’re going to be doing the thing that’s better morally. However, I think the best thing is you should leave the girlfriend because you don’t deserve her, and then you should probably explore it with the crush and have it fall apart, because that’s what’s going to happen. That’s the best way to learn that lesson quickly. But as far as what’s morally good, right now, I think you should get dumped.
This is a great example of why so many men hate women, especially in the Western liberal world, because they are like you, Zach. You’re like a bitch. You’re like the worst bitch. You got power in both sides and you don’t think about the other people at all. You’re just like, “How can I derive the most pleasure for me, not caring about their feelings at all?” And basically, you’re in love with her when things are going well. And when things aren’t going well, you’re like, “Well, fuck that bitch”, right? Basically, I have preached over, and over, and over in lectures that I continually put out there, the Love vs Attraction lecture, go search for that on YouTube or Google, The Reality of Women lecture; all of the bullshit that you seem to subscribe to here is what I’m railing against: the belief that you should be with someone only as long as it feels good. You shouldn’t get into a committed relationship then.
That’s okay if you just want to have the good feelings and you just want pleasure, but the morally right thing to do if that’s the case is that it’s upfront and both parties know it. That’s the responsible, person of integrity who would live that life, who would have the courage as a man to be able to put that out there. Right now, you’re a bitch. Hopefully, you know that. I don’t think you know that, though, because there wasn’t unanimous comments on that issue. There are too many immature guys in the world who don’t understand this. You guys are just out to get yours. We don’t welcome people like that in the group. There are a lot of people like that, right?
If you come in the group and we give you the feedback, I’m trying to do it now, just exploding with comments and I didn’t have time to type it out, but I’m giving it to you now, Zach. If you don’t change your tune, you’re poisonous to our group. We’re going to just block you. But hopefully, you watch this and wisen up. Based on what I know about the world, you’ll probably just be like, “Fuck this guy, he doesn’t know anything.” And if that’s your reaction, that’s great. I want you to get your heart broken over and over. And to the girl who is dating Zach, I’m not going to reveal the full name, but whoever you are, get some therapy to get emotionally stronger so you don’t end up with a guy like this.
For the crush, you’re already unstable, I can tell. You’re just trying to look for a rebound now. You broke up with your husband, did I read that right? I guess the broke up, separated, divorce coming up I guess, and now you want to hook up with your best friend. All of you guys need therapy, all of you guys need to grow up, and I feel the most sorry for the girlfriend in this situation, though I don’t know her side of the deal. For all I know, she wants to cheat on him so I don’t know. Why would she be with a guy like this? Probably because she is a fixer and you are just the parasite, the vampire.
Zach, you are the emotional vampire here. You are the thing that if you had tits and a vagina is what all the Men Go Their Own Way and the Red Pill hate if you were a girl. You’re the guy who gives players a bad name. Here you are and you’re like, “I’ll think I’ll stick it out because I still have feelings for her.” Fuck your feelings. Your feelings guaranteed 100% will go away. They will dissipate. That is a biological necessity. They will go away. You are not mature enough, Zach, yet to be in a relationship and have it committed, exclusive, and stable. It’s just a matter of time before any relationship you’re in will dissipate, will self-destruct, because you are too immature. You don’t understand how love works. You confuse love with pleasure, and that’s why it’ll never work out.
Wake up call to all the guys who are reading this or following this in the group and didn’t make that connection: If you’re just out to get yours, you have no integrity, unless you put it out there, upfront, with courage, and you will lose a lot of girls that way. That’s a good thing. That’s what a real man will risk. You won’t cheat, and lie, and manipulate like Zach is, and you won’t be self-centered like Zach is. He’s very self-centered. Never once in any of the gigantically long comment thread that I looked at ever considered the other side, what it’s like for the girlfriend, what it’ll be like for the crush. He is more just like, “Which one will give me more pleasure?”
He thinks he has a conscience, but really, all that is, is a decrease of pleasure. So if you can get rid of the conscience, then he’d be great. I think it seems like most Americans are like this, and I can say Americans because we have the most – out of all the people in the group, the greatest group is from America so I can say that. But for all I know, it’s like most people in the world are like that: lacking morals and lacking a moral center. Honestly, with everybody accepting evolution now as the way we came to be, there isn’t a morality that’s obviously dictated by the natural universe.
Look, if you want to just get out there and get yours, and exploit other people, and use them, and the winner-takes-all approach, then we don’t want you in our group. That’s an approach you can take, and if I see you, I’m going to be up on defense and I’ll hit you, okay? I’m not going to let you take advantage of me, and the only way that’s going to happen is if I just get you out of here. I can’t trust you. I can’t respect you as a person, as a man, and that’s sad. I can only mitigate the damage that you cause, potentially to me and those I love. Hopefully at some point, you’ll have your heart broken and maybe you will understand love. Or for all I know, you actually suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, in which case the chances of you changing through treatment are very small.
There you go. Hard words for Zach, but hopefully for those who are not like Zach, and see that, and are tempted to go that way, you will understand at a deeper level the psychology, and even the integrity at work there. Maybe Zach, you can surprise me and say, “David, fuck you, you’re right.” or “Fuck you, David.” Well, actually, you’d have to say, “David, you’re right.” You can say, “Fuck you, David, you’re right.” That’s the only way you can surprise me, because I’m expecting you to just say “Fuck you, David. Get the fuck out of here.” Okay, so I’m going to get some beers. We got a growler. I’m really excited. It’s hard to get a growler out in Asia, and we’re going to dig into that growler.
So, enjoy the nature. You don’t see backyards or gardens like this very much in Asia. I will see you in the Facebook group. Until then, click the link. Join the group. I’ll see you inside the group. Until then, David Tian, signing out. Man Up!