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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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How To Get A Girl To Leave Her Boyfriend For You
David Tian Ph.D. reveals the real red flag in this situation.
David Tian Ph.D. tells us to ask ourselves what type of woman do we want,
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. discusses how we should focus on ourselves and raise our standards instead.
David Tian: Boom! In episode 60 of Man Up, I answer the question of, will she leave her boyfriend for you?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is episode 60 of Man Up! Whoo! Episode 60, welcome to 2016! By the way, right so… question from the private Facebook group, this one comes from Lajos. I don’t know if I’m pronouncing that correctly. Posted from Serbia. He is writing from Serbia. He says, “First I want to thank you and your team for this brilliant group and the awesome Man Up show. You’re the best!” Well thank you! I always appreciate honest appreciation, I hope it’s honest. So thank you! Love it! Anyway, let’s get into this question.
He’s writing from Serbia, welcome all the way from Bangkok and Singapore to you in Serbia. He’s nationality is Hungarian. He’s never had a girlfriend and never was really good with girls. Okay, good context. I appreciate your honesty. He was always the awkward one stuck in the friend zone. Got it. Okay, so here’s the situation, he met a girl in summer camp. Summer Camp, how old are you and you’re still going to summer camp.
Okay, summer camp, I think that places his age a bit. And he got to know… this is a long ass question… alright, I love it. So I’m going to try and summarize it for you guys who are watching the video. Um…met this girl in summer camp. The sister told him that this girl he likes has a boyfriend so back off and don’t hope for too much.
But they connected and then he says they were inseparable. Every night they were sitting there in private and talked almost all night. Then at the end of camp on the last day, her boyfriend arrives and she gets really nervous. Ooh, this is cool. This is like a drama. He acts, “I accidentally ran into them”, he says. “She introduced him to me but it was like awkward.”
One week after camp was over he added her on Facebook. They started to chat daily and he starts to call her “my girl” and then she says to him that she has a boyfriend and she only sees him as a friend. She found it strange. Then he confessed to her that he’s really into her. And he doesn’t want to just be friends.
And he says, “If we’re only going to be friends, then this has to be over because I can’t see her as a friend. I value her more than that. Then we both cried.” No that’s fine! He says, “that was pathetic”. You know, that’s your honest feelings. Nothing to be embarrassed about when it comes to feeling deeply and crying. Alright, so put that out there.
So in case you’ve been brainwashed by weird shit on the internet, the real truth is whatever you are honestly feeling, don’t bottle it all up and have it come out and deal with it. Okay, that’s what happened.. I think it was this large part… largely because of his courage in saying then let’s not be friends because I value you too much and then crying. And then having the genuineness and honesty to do that.
She can’t stop contacting him. Then they decided to meet. “Let’s call it a date” he says, to talk about the situation. Whenever you meet a girl who’s already had the talk with you to talk again about the situation. To his surprise she confessed to him that she already knew of his intent from the beginning but she didn’t want to confess herself to him and “yes she has feelings towards me” but at this point she can’t decide to break up… whether to break up with the boyfriend and be with him or leave him or stay with the boyfriend. So I decided that I will wait until she makes her decision.
The problem is that, okay, so there it is. She is like, okay, after hiding the fact that she has a boyfriend from him even though he kind of knew through his sister but she didn’t discuss it during summer camp. If you’re a PUA you want to like just bang girls, there’s a lot you can learn from this just as far as how attraction works. But this Man Up is not about being a PUA and just fucking girls. To the PUAs who are watching, this is not for you – turn it off – and go to another video.
But for the guys who are real men who really want to man up and understand masculinity, and how to be happy and fulfilled in a male and female relationship, listen deeply… intently. So who’s this girl? So you got to know who you are what you want out of life. It speaks to the earlier episode, and the guys who are also just asking me all the time. Like I’m insecure. Like this girl is better than me, what do I do? It’s like, who are you and how are you making yourself better?
Focus on yourself more than on the girl. Because if you focus on yourself in terms of developing yourself, the right girl will find you. Okay so, I firmly believe that. And it just makes sense psychologically. You are going to be speaking the words that are coming from the thoughts that are in your mind. The thoughts that are in your mind will be driven by what you do and experiencing on a day to day basis, and a minute by minute basis what you’re doing with your life.
Some people say the energy you put out there is what you get back. Maybe you don’t even need to go to energy, but it’s true with energy… but you don’t even need to go to energy. It’s just like the shit you think about is going to get reflected in the people who connect with you because they’re going to connect with you on the shit you think about.
So… Um… Look, what type of woman do you want? Who do you want to be five years from now or whatever… at the end of this relationship or in the middle of a relationship? Who do you want to be and what type of woman would support who you want to be –who challenge who you want to be to make you help that person grow. That’s the kind of question you are going to ask.
Now we come back to this girl. Yeah, you connected. Yeah, it was like summer camp love. You know, summer love happens all the time. So if your girlfriend’s going off in summer camp without you, you should be worried. Or any kind of formative experience like that without you, you should be worried. Because she’s going to grow and most young people can’t handle it.
They can’t handle the maturity and the commitment. They think love is like, “Oh! Feelings!” and that’s all it is and when feelings go, there’s no more love and they break up. That’s a great recipe for never being happy in a relationship.
So anyway, in a long-term relationship. She confesses she DOES like this guy and doesn’t know whether to choose the boyfriend or him. Bingo! That’s all you need to know! Bing! Bing! Bing! Big red flag! This girl is not ready for a relationship. Give her a prize. Give her the “go be single and be promiscuous for a while to figure out what the fuck you want instead of fucking over all these dudes”. She’s screwing over the… Lajos, I hope I’m saying that right.
She’s screwing over Lajos and Lajos is man enough to say “well, if you don’t want to be more than friends with me, that’s enough”, cries…that’s man… Man, it’s good for you! You weren’t so needy that you beg her to pick you or anything like that, hopefully. I don’t know if you did it but didn’t sound like it. So good for you. But she’s like got her tentacles on you. She’s got the hooks on you trying to keep you back.
And then meanwhile, she’s stringing along her boyfriend who has no clue, I’m assuming. No clue! Shows up on summer camp, who knows what he’s doing. Maybe he’s fucking around too. Well, they’re not fucking… maybe he’s flirting around too. So maybe everyone’s just…they get what they deserve. Maybe he deserves it. But if you’re a man of integrity, Lajos, and you want to grow up to raise your kids to be people of integrity, then I would tell this girl that she needs to grow up.
And if she can’t choose right now, even if she were to choose right now, you don’t want a girl who leaves her boyfriend for you for many reasons. Many reasons which I would need to get into in a different video in another time. I’m trying to keep this video short. So any girl who’s with a boyfriend is considering leaving him to be with you, that’s already over. Don’t even get involved. Just say, pleasure to meet you.
Maybe whatever, a year, two years, five down the road, you’ll be mature enough for me to get in a relationship with. Because if you get into a relationship with that girl, I can guarantee you will eventually crash and burn and you’ll have to come back to watch these Man Up videos again and then it will make a lot of sense to you. These will be here as long as the internet, as long as Youtube and Facebook are still existing. Actually we can just take them off and post them somewhere else. So as long as the internet exists.
Okay, the question goes on though because the problem is that after she confessed her attraction to him, for two to three months later they went on maybe five to ten dates they’d still chat every day. But somehow she’s cold now and she’s not answering his messages that much. And this is where understanding attraction in some of that pick up stuff does help and makes sense of what’s going on. Because she’s not a girl who’s into… who’s ready for a committed relationship.
Instead she’s just going with the butterflies in her stomach kind of feeling. And a person like that, which is most young people, I’d say ninety percent more of young people in their twenties are not ready for a long term relationship. Because it is about to go long term, you need to get passed that initial infatuation, the butterflies in the stomach, the emotions kind of stuff. She’s still running on that, like bad fuel to run on.
So what happened? Well, you’ll let it die out. Because summer love is intense and it’s about that peak and the high that you have to capitalize it. If you just want to hook up and that’s often what happens but then reality sets in. Reality of “oh my God this is going to go on for months”. And after the honeymoon period, go look it up.
Go google it the difference between passionate attraction and companionate attraction. These are actual scientific, academic terms in the brain that are perceived differently. So, you got to transition if you want to get past that six-month period, or it’s relative anywhere from one month to a year or more. Definitely after three years, you’re going to have to transition into – if you want to keep going – into a companionate attraction which feels different.
From a passionate attraction, she doesn’t feel the passionate attraction because PASSION by its very nature does not last. So you go on 5 to 10 dates that’s a great way to kill the passion. You’re just stringing it along. It’s like watching the same movie ten times in a row. Two or three months in a row. Is it exciting anymore? It can’t be! You know the fucking ending. You already know what it’s like. The novelty is gone.
This is clearly the wrong girl. She can’t even choose between you or the boyfriend. She’s already lacking integrity. Leave that far away, let her grow up before you get involved. And how do I know? The proof is in the pudding. The proof is two or three months later she goes cold after five to ten days with you. The boyfriend probably still has no clue how immature the girl he is seeing because she is still with him and it’s comfort zone for both of them.
Now it’s not so passionate and exciting and new for her to be with you. And that’s a big part of the appeal of an affair. This isn’t a full blown affair, you guys are still really young if you’re going to summer camp. But this is a younger person’s version of an affair. So there you go, know what type of woman you want to get involved with. This woman is not suitable for a long term relationship.
You had your fun and hopefully you can appreciate that. Summer of fun. Move on and raise your standards. RAISE YOUR STANDARDS! It’s a good take away, raise your standards.
Alright, damn it! It’s over 10 minutes again! I get carried away. I’m sorry about that. I’m going to try to keep it under five for the next one. So please ask your questions. Long questions – I like that! Go to the private Facebook group and ask your questions and post them there. I will respond as much as I can in the comments and respond obviously in the videos. So join the private Facebook group, click on the link and join. Until next time, Man Up!