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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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If I Was Bad Before, Can I Still Win Her Back?
- David Tian Ph.D. talks about what to deal with in relationships if you are bipolar.
- David Tian Ph.D. explains why we need to go deep into the psychology.
- In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D enumerates the steps that men need to take for this situation.
Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD, and in this video, I answer the question: If I was bad before, can I still win her back? Welcome to Man Up Episode 208.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, PhD., and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love. Welcome to Man Up Episode 208. We’re here in Vienna in a very touristy area, but it’s pretty so I thought I showed this to you in the background as we’re shooting here. I got a question from the Man Up private Facebook group. This one comes from Herald.
“My wife who is 27 wants to separate and eventually divorce me. I’m 28 years old. We’ve been together eight years and married for three. We have two beautiful boys, aged two and four. I have very severe bipolar. It has consumed me and my whole life. I’ve been put on 72-hour holds four times in my life, most recently towards the end of July when she said she wanted a divorce. I spun out of control and gave up on life. I was really possessive for most of our relationship and couldn’t understand that I was. I just didn’t see it, sadly.”
“It was a wakeup call. I started counselling and it really helps.” Awesome. “I’ve learned to be happy and focus on the moment. I’ve changed my tune and people have noticed for sure.” That’s all amazing, Herald. “My wife thinks I’m trying to get her back, which I am, but I know it is a very low chance. I’m doing this for myself. I want to be in control of myself and live in the moment. I have a good job that I excel at and just want my family to stay together. Again, it’s probably all for nothing, but stranger things have happened. We’re definitely separating and I’m going to get my own place and give her time and space. Reconciling would be what I want most, but who knows? I implore you to lay your wisdom down from me.”
Okay, so Herald, that’s great news that you made so much progress on that. Seeing the issue, seeing the problem and understanding why it’s there is half the battle. With bipolar, there’s managing the symptoms, which probably you’re getting under control probably with psychiatric help. So, you’re probably taking some medications that help you emotionally regulate your mood between the manic and depressive stages, so that’s good.
The next stage is to understand the psychological reasons why you’d be attracted to a woman in a particular type of relationship and why she’d be attracted to you in that relationship. Because if you were bipolar, you’re probably not bipolar all of a sudden. So, she was attracted to some parts of you. You need to understand why and why you were attracted to her because it’s still there. Those parts of you that she was attracted to are still there, you’re just going to have to make up for all of the crap that you had to put her through, because you weren’t managing your emotions.
The first thing is to show your sincerity. It sounds like based on your posts, that you’re on the right track for that and you need patience, and you just put it out there, and to be completely vulnerable. That’s hard. It’s hard for even people who don’t suffer from bipolar disorder. That’s why it’s a two-phase process for you at best. Within that second phase, you can chop it up to many other phases, but the first phase is to manage the biochemistry. You’re probably taking Valium or something, lithium, or something along those lines, and that helps you regulate the manic-depressive stages. That’s good and now you’re getting more control of your life and you’re seeing success in traditional, conventional terms. That’s awesome.
The next thing is going deep into the psychology. There is a difference between just managing the symptoms, the biochemical issues of the manic-depressive, so that you’re ‘normal’ so to speak. But then there’s the other issue of figuring out your psychology. That’s one of the best things you can do for success in life, and that’s the next stage. So, power to you for that. That’s going to take a lot of courage and opening up in your vulnerability. And the more vulnerable you are with her – it’s just like what you’re doing in that post. Do more of that. Show her the emotions. Not just up here and saying, “Look, I’ve tried” but actually let her feel that you’ve tried. Let out that emotion that you have.
The more you do it, the better control you’ll have over letting that out. So, it won’t be so frightening to you anymore. It’s very frightening to the average person, average dude, to show emotion because they haven’t done it for so long. And first of all, they think it’s not masculine or so on or something like that, right? But it is. It takes a lot of courage and control to be able to let it out and to be able to curb it back when you need to. It’s not just waterfall and just let it out. You can only learn that through experience.
Let her see it. Be vulnerable with her, and you’re going to just have patience. You’re going to have to make up for all of the years that you’ve been screwing up emotionally. However, you have two children. She’s always going to be in your life now. Do it for your kids and she will do that as well. I would definitely say all is not lost, but then again, you don’t want to hold onto it like it’s your only hope. That will actually kill it. You have the right attitude, which is, “I’m going to give it a go. I know there’s a very low chance, but I’m going to give it my best shot.” That’s the best thing to do.
Show your vulnerability, let that out, and make sure you just rock it. That’s a pretty straightforward answer for that one, and it’s a pretty straightforward issue, actually. It’s awesome that you’re on the right track. Here we are. I got to get a drink. My voice is still hoarse. I’m not sure why. A lot of travelling, a lot of flying here in Switzerland before. We’re going to be heading out maybe to Germany or maybe Hungary. We haven’t decided yet, but it’s going to be a lot of fun.
I’ll see you in the next episode, but make sure I’ll see you in the private Facebook group. Click the link. Join the group. See you inside the group. Until then, David Tian, signing out. Man Up!