Emotional Maturity (not Sexual Attraction) is the Key to a Lasting Relationship | (#129) The Masculine Psychology Podcast with David Tian

Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.

David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I’m David Tian, your host. In this episode, we’re diving into a topic that’s going to reshape your view on dating and relationships. By the end of this episode, you’ll understand why basing a lasting intimate relationship solely on physical or sexual attraction is a recipe for disappointment. More importantly, you’ll discover what should be the cornerstone of a truly fulfilling relationship. So, let’s just dive right in. [00:46.5]

I’ve noticed a common pattern among many men, a myth they’ve bought into that’s steering them off course. Many men believe that the key to solving all major relationship problems lies in increasing their partner’s sexual attraction towards them. They think, If only she desired me more, everything else would fall into place. This belief leads them down a rabbit hole of trying to beef up their attractiveness. But here’s the twist. This approach will backfire.

Okay, so this myth that we’re busting in this episode is the notion that whether she’s sexually attracted enough to you is the glue that holds a relationship together. This idea, unfortunately, is rooted in probably some pretty immature sources, like the kind of stuff you might hear in locker room talk or from friends who haven’t quite figured it out yet. It’s also a reflection of a deeper insecurity, the fear that you’re not enough to be loved just for who you are.

I know how pernicious this myth is because I bought into it. When I first thought I figured out dating and women, what I’d figured out was how to get hookups, and that meant that I was pretty good at spiking short-term attraction for flings, and because I had, at that time, decent provider value, many but not all of these women were happy to get into a relationship with me. [02:12.7]

So, I concluded that there was nothing special you had to do to get into a relationship and then to keep it going besides what I did at the beginning, which was just pure attraction, and man, did that approach completely backfire and take me into the lowest lows of my life. But more on my personal case later. Let’s first break it down, so we have more context to understand this.

Okay, so physical attraction, yes, is important, no doubt. It’s often what gets the ball rolling in a relationship. But then think about it, can a relationship thrive on sexual attraction alone? What happens when that initial spark starts to fade, as it naturally does over time and has been scientifically proven to do so naturally over time? And, yes, there are things that you can do to respond to that sexual attraction and passion, even decades into a relationship, but if you’re counting on using sexual attractiveness to keep her in the relationship with you, then that relationship is doomed. [03:14.1]

When a guy is primarily focused on ramping up his sexual attractiveness to keep the relationship going, he’s putting all his eggs in a basket that has a hole at the bottom. It’s a temporary fix. Sure, it might reignite some passion in the short term, but it doesn’t address the core issues that create lasting connections and love and loyalty, and the truth is lasting relationships are built on much deeper foundations than mere attraction.

Think about the relationships that you most admire, those that have stood the test of time. We’re talking multiple decades. Are they just about physical attraction or is there something more? You might have seen memes or photos of an elderly couple clearly still in love. Do you think that that relationship is primarily based on sexual attractiveness, or could it be something deeper, like love, connection, or commitment? [04:10.2]

Here’s an analogy that might help. Think of a lasting relationship like a tree. Physical attraction is like the leaves, visible, attention-grabbing, beautiful, but without strong roots and a sturdy trunk, the tree won’t survive. The roots and trunk represent the deeper aspects of a relationship, emotional connection and understanding, love, compassion, commitment. These are the elements that nourish and sustain a relationship through the seasons of life. If you’re focusing all your energy on just trying to be more sexually attractive, in order to keep your partner in a long-term relationship, you’re missing out on nurturing the deeper and far more important aspects that can truly make a relationship thrive. [04:55.7]

It’s time to redirect that energy into building emotional connection, understanding your partner’s needs, unlocking unconditional love, not just trying to stay as hot as possible or trying to make as much money as possible in a desperate bid to keep her interested. It’s when you shift your focus from the superficial to the deeper that you build a relationship that’s not just exciting, but deeply satisfying and enduring.

Alright, let’s dig a little deeper into why relying solely on sexual attraction in your relationship is like building a house on quicksand that it might stand for a while, but it’s bound to collapse, eventually. I want to tackle this through three key points and I’ll sprinkle in some real-life examples to make the picture clearer.

Okay, first, if the main thing keeping her in the relationship is how sexually attractive you are, you’re always going to be looking over your shoulder for the bigger better deal, what I call the BBD—you know that guy who might come along who is just a little more attractive, a little more charismatic. It’s an exhausting never ending race. You’re setting yourself up for a loss because, let’s face it, there’s always going to be someone out there who eventually will get an edge in some way. And when that person shows up, where does that leave you? [06:10.7]

Let me tell you about a guy I once coached. Let’s call him Mike. Mike was a good-looking guy, worked out, dressed well, the works, on the surface. He was dating a woman who was really into his looks and Mike felt, at that time, on top of the world, but he was constantly hitting the gym, obsessing over his diet, terrified of losing his six-pack abs. He was living in fear of some more-ripped guy turning his girlfriend’s head.

And guess what? That’s exactly what happened. She met someone at a fitness convention and then Mike was devastated, not just because she left him, but because he realized his physical attributes were all she was really in it for. That’s when he eventually found me and I had to uncover for him the toxic roots of this doomed relationship. [06:54.6]

Then here’s the second point. If you’re banking on your sexual appeal as the main draw, you’re setting up a conditional transactional relationship. It’s not about connection or responsibility, or love or compassion. It’s about, instead, what you can provide in terms of attraction, and that’s obviously a shaky foundation, right? Relationships like these are like business deals or business contracts. If one party feels they’re not getting what they signed up for, they’re out. There’s no real commitment. There’s no depth. It’s superficial and fragile.

Here’s another example. Let’s call them Sara and Tom. Sara was with Tom because he was the life of the party, charming, and had this magnetic appeal. But when Tom went through a really rough patch, he lost his job, gained a bunch of weight. Sarah felt he just wasn’t the man she signed up for. It wasn’t fun for her anymore, and their relationship was based on what Tom brought to the table, physically, socially, financially, not who he was as a person, and when his physical and financial situation changed, the relationship crumbled. [08:02.7]

The final point is, if you’re in a relationship where sexual attraction is your main currency, you will never feel secure. Not really. There’s always going to be this nagging doubt. “Does she value me for me or just for what I can do for her, or just for my looks, my charm, and my sexual prowess?” This doubt means you can never truly relax and just be yourself. You’re always performing, always doing something extra on top of who you are, always trying to be the most attractive version of yourself and that is incredibly exhausting and will burn you out in the long run, and will just not work to sustain a lifelong relationship.

I remember working with a couple, let’s call them James and Linda. James was always trying to be the alpha, hitting the gym, buying expensive clothes, financing a supercar, the whole nine yards. But deep down, he was actually full of fear, scared that if he let his guard down, if he showed his true self, Linda would lose interest. He couldn’t be vulnerable with her, couldn’t share his fears or his deepest insecurities. Their relationship was like a house of cards ready to tumble at the slightest gust of wind. [09:14.7]

In all these examples, do you see the pattern? When a relationship hinges on trying to be more sexually attractive than any other guy in her world, it’s doomed to fail. It’s a constant race against an impossible standard, a transactional bond with no real depth, and a breeding ground for insecurity and fear.

Unfortunately, of course, the vast majority of relationship advice that’s being passed around on the internet is being made by immature men who are preying on guys’ fear that they’re not enough and telling them that they need to jack their value or rely on techniques to increase her compliance in order to sustain a law long-term relationship. All of that will just make things worse and set you up for a much harder fall. [10:06.2]

In this podcast, in contrast, I’m showing you what a healthy, lasting relationship can look like and how to build it. We’re talking about moving away from this unsustainable model of relying on attraction for a relationship to something much more profound and meaningful. Okay, then, if it’s not about attraction, if that’s not the key for a long-term relationship, what is? What does it take to sustain a relationship and grow a relationship in this modern world?

Okay, I’m going to be using this category that I’m going to call emotional maturity, and this emotional maturity that I’m referring to isn’t about how old you are or how many relationships you’ve been in. Emotional maturity is about having the compassion and courage to love unconditionally. It’s about accessing what’s known in IFS therapy as your true self. If you’ve been following my podcast, you would know what IFS therapy stands for. It stands for Internal Family Systems therapy, and it’s a rigorously scientifically-proven, evidence-based psychotherapy method and approach, and I highly recommend it. [11:13.0]

This emotional maturity I’m referring to is crucial. It’s the anchor that keeps a relationship steady in turbulent waters. It’s about being able to step back, assess situations with clarity, and respond with understanding and kindness. It’s about moving away from ego-driven reactions, and towards love and compassion.

Take the case of let’s call them Sam and Emily. Sam came to me heartbroken. He had been cheated on and lied to. His initial response was anger and a desire to prove that he was in the right. He was stuck in a kind of righteous indignation. But here’s the deal. Being right wasn’t going to heal his relationship and wasn’t going to heal him. [12:00.0]

I reminded him of Terry Real. I’ve referred to the work of Terry Real before. He’s a great marriage therapist. Terry Real’s profound question, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” It’s a powerful thought. Clinging to being in the right can cost you your relationship and your happiness. Sam had to learn to let go of his need to be seen as in the right and, instead, focus on whether Emily was capable of reaching a place of emotional maturity. Could she access compassion, kindness, love, and connect emotionally, or was she just capricious and vulnerable to the whims of her sexual passion and desire? Was she capable of entering the state of her higher self?

This ties in of course with IFS and Richard Schwartz’s concept of no bad parts. Everyone has parts of themselves that they struggle with, maybe that they’re ashamed of, and the goal is to understand these parts that you might have exiled or disowned or pushed away, and then to unburden them and bring them into harmony and integration with our overall system of parts in our true self. [13:09.8]

In Sam and Emily’s case, it wasn’t just about what Emily did. It was about whether she could grow from it, whether she could show genuine remorse, have compassion and a willingness to change, and it was about Sam assessing if their relationship had the foundation of emotional maturity necessary in order for him to feel comfortable moving forward.

And it required Sam getting serious about trying to understand why Emily cheated in the first place. What emotional needs was she trying to meet through cheating that she wasn’t getting in the relationship? And that was Sam’s hard work to take his own personal responsibility for the part of this that was his. Yes, he was the victim here, but staying stuck in that victimhood mentality and merely insisting that you were in the right wasn’t getting them anywhere and wasn’t going to heal their relationship or heal him—and that was one of Sam’s major turning points, taking personal responsibility for his role. [14:11.0]

Now, if you’re in a relationship that lacks this emotional maturity, if you or your partner can’t access the energy of your higher self, you’re likely stuck in a superficial transactional dynamic, and let’s be clear, this kind of relationship simply won’t last. It can’t. It’s like trying to sail across the ocean in a rowboat or a dinghy. Sooner or later, you’re going to hit a storm that’s simply too big and will take you under.

Emotional maturity is about being able to navigate those storms. It’s about looking beyond the immediate gratification of being in the right or winning an argument. It’s about understanding that love is not a transaction. It’s not about keeping score or trading favors. It’s about connecting at a deeper level, where compassion, kindness and unconditional love reside, and then having that personal responsibility to follow through on a commitment. [15:04.3]

So, how do you cultivate this emotional maturity? It starts with self-reflection. It’s about recognizing your own parts, even the ones that you might be ashamed of or hiding from, or trying to hide, and it’s about learning how to access more of your higher self. It’s a journey inward that ultimately reflects outward in your relationships.

As for your partner, it’s about observing whether they can do the same. Can they own up to their mistakes? Can they show genuine empathy and compassion? Can they connect with you on a deeper emotional level? These are some of the signs of emotional maturity, which are the building blocks of a lasting relationship. [15:46.7]

No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It’s why they can’t give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It’s why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.

Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.

Learn more about this transformational program by going to DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery.

That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

It’s important to remember that this isn’t an overnight process. It’s a continuous journey of growth and understanding, but the rewards are immeasurable. A relationship rooted in emotional maturity is rich, fulfilling and enduring. It’s a relationship where both partners feel seen, heard, and understood and valued for who they truly are. [17:05.2]

For those of you who have been hurt or betrayed or let down, it’s not about proving that you’re in the right. It’s about asking yourself and your partner, “Are we both capable of growth, compassion, and unconditional love? Are we willing to do the work to access more of our higher selves?” These are the questions that can pave the way to a truly lasting relationship.

Remember, emotional maturity is the key. That’s what Sam has to struggle with and decide for himself, as he assesses whether Emily has enough of this emotional maturity to make this work and to see whether he’s got enough emotional maturity to ask the tough questions of himself. Emotional maturity is the foundation upon which lasting love is built. It’s about moving beyond the transactional and into the transformative. It’s about building a relationship that doesn’t just survive, but thrive over time. [17:59.0]

Okay, so let’s get into the final piece of the puzzle for lasting relationships, and I’m going to pull this out of and highlight this aspect of emotional maturity to emphasize it and single it out on its own, because it’s that important, and this is taking personal responsibility for your own growth and being capable of following through on commitments. This isn’t just about showing up. It’s about actively participating in your own evolution and in the growth of your relationship.

A giant in the field of psychotherapy, Irvin Yalom—I’m a big fan of his work—emphasizes the importance of assuming personal responsibility. He’s not just talking about taking the blame when things go south. Personal responsibility is about acknowledging your own role in your own life, your emotions, your reactions in your relationships. It’s realizing that you’re actually the driver of your own journey. The assumption of personal responsibility by a client is often the biggest turning point in the therapeutic process. [19:01.4]

Okay, let’s illustrate this with a case of a guy I worked with. Let’s call him Alex. Alex came to me because his relationship was on the rocks. He felt like his partner Jenna wasn’t putting in the effort. He blamed her for their lack of connection and their constant arguments. But as we dug deeper, a different story emerged. Alex hadn’t been taking responsibility for his own happiness. He was expecting Jenna to fill voids in his life that only he could fill. He wasn’t communicating his needs effectively because he wasn’t even sure what they were. He hadn’t taken the time to understand himself or his values, or what he truly wanted from the relationship. Instead, he was waiting for Jenna to make everything better.

We eventually were able to trace this back to his childhood when his mother sheltered him from a lot of decisions, including what he would wear to school, what he would eat there. Even during college, he would collect his laundry and bring it home and his mother would do it. Yes, now he had a well-paying job and he lived on his own for most of the week, but he was still very much a mama’s boy and dependent on someone else coming to meet his needs or to make it easier for him, or to tell him what to do even. [20:12.8]

So, his intimate relationship reflected one of his biggest blind spots. Alex was avoiding the responsibility of being the primary agent in his own life. He was putting it all on Jenna. The turnaround happened when Alex started to take ownership of his personal growth. He began exploring his interests, his passions, and started setting personal goals. He took responsibility for his own happiness, and for his own excitement and his own sense of certainty in life.

Something remarkable eventually happened. As Alex grew more fulfilled personally, his relationship with Jenna began to improve. They started communicating better because Alex was a lot clearer about his own emotional needs, and more understanding of Jenna’s. He wasn’t looking to her to solve all his problems anymore. He was meeting her as an equal, as a partner. [21:09.0]

Taking personal responsibility means looking inward and asking tough questions. It’s about being honest with yourself about your shortcomings and working actively to grow. It’s about following through on the commitments you make to yourself and to your partner. This isn’t about perfection. It’s about effort in progress.

A lasting relationship is a partnership where both individuals are committed to their personal growth. It’s not just about growing together as a couple, but also growing as individuals. It’s understanding that your partner can complement you but doesn’t complete you. When both partners embrace their own personal responsibility, the dynamics of the relationship shift. You move from a place of dependency or codependency to interdependency. You create a space where both of you can thrive independently and together. [22:02.8]

This is the kind of relationship that endures over time, one where both partners are committed to actualizing their highest selves. So, if you want a relationship that lasts, take responsibility for your own growth, your emotions and your actions, and look for a partner who does the same.

Okay, I know many of you are asking, “How do I know if a potential partner is emotionally mature enough, can tap into her self-energy, takes responsibility for her growth and can follow through on her commitments? What are some signs to look for? How can you confirm your hypothesis?”

Okay, so emotional maturity isn’t something you can gauge, generally speaking, on the first date. This is revealed through consistent actions over time. Look, for example, for how they handle stress or disagreements, or triggering. Do they lash out or do they communicate calmly and try to understand the other perspective? An emotionally-mature person doesn’t avoid conflicts. Instead, they approach them constructively. [23:05.8]

You can check to see how much of their self-energy they’re able to access, how much of their higher self they’re able to be. That’s about being centered, confident and calm, even in tough situations. It’s about how they interact with the rest of the world. Are they constantly in chaos, turmoil, always reacting to everything, or do they have a grounded presence, a sort of calmness, even when things get chaotic? Are they compassionate? Are they kind, even just strangers? These are signs that they can access more of their higher self.

Okay, and then the final biggie is personal responsibility, and this isn’t just about admitting when you’re wrong. It’s about how they approach their lives. Are they always playing the victim, always blaming others for their problems, or do they own their part in their experiences, learn from them, and then actively work to improve themselves? [24:01.3]

Personal growth is a continuous, lifelong process. Look for signs that they’ve committed to it. Are they in therapy? Do they have a coach? Are they reading psychology books, attending workshops? Or are they just at least open to new perspectives?

Now, following through on commitments, that’s obviously incredibly crucial in a long-term relationship. Do they keep their promises? I’m not just talking about showing up on time. I mean, do they stick to their word in bigger things? Do they have integrity? Do they back up their words? If they say they’re going to make a change or work on something, do they actually try at least or do they actually do it? Consistency is key here.

So, how can you confirm your hypothesis? How can you stress-test it? This is about being observant and mindful in your interactions and time with them. Pay attention to how they act in different situations, especially the challenging ones. Life will naturally present scenarios where these traits can be observed or the lack of these traits. [25:03.8]

It’s also about communication. Have open and honest conversations about your standards, your values, what you believe in, your personal goals and your approach to personal development. See how they respond? Are they engaging with you on a deeper level or are they just brushing it off?

Remember, this isn’t about judging or trying to change someone. It’s about understanding who they are at their core and whether their approach to life aligns with yours. Emotional maturity, access to the energy of their higher selves, personal responsibility and follow through, these are not checkboxes to just tick off. They’re qualities to observe and monitor and appreciate in a partner who is right for you. So, take your time, get to know them, and most importantly, be honest with yourself about what you’re observing. The right partner for a lasting relationship will demonstrate these qualities consistently, not just when it’s convenient. [26:00.8]

Let’s do a quick recap of what we covered so far today. We started by debunking the myth that physical or sexual attraction can be the foundation of a lasting relationship. We explored why this approach is a dead-end, and why emotional maturity, access to the energy of your higher self, taking personal responsibility and commitment to growth are crucial for a relationship that endures.

Now, especially on that first point, I want to just share how I came to confirm this as being definitely a myth and that’s from the fact that when I finally figured out or thought I figured out dating and women, that was mostly through a lot of hookups for several years. Then when I decided to settle down and commit to a long-term relationship, that’s all I knew how to do when it came to relationships with women, which was just to amp up the attraction. [26:52.7]

Primarily, this is done by increasing your, quote-unquote, “value,” whether that’s mating value or social value. Then beyond that, there are techniques for increasing compliance and getting more investment in terms of time and effort from her. Then techniques for re sparking passion and sexual tension and desire. These are great for getting hookups within, let’s say, the first five to 10 hours of contact time with her, but if you just rinse and repeat for years, eventually, she’ll get wise to what you’re doing and the same techniques or approaches aren’t going to seem fresh anymore. They’ll just be like old tricks.

Unless you’re living on a deserted island, you’re going to be vulnerable to the bigger better deal, whatever it is that you’re counting on to keep her in the relationship. Whether that’s your value, your level of compliance, or whether you’re fun, you’re going to be vulnerable to the next guy that she meets who can bring more of that, because the more time you’re together, actually, you lose in terms of novelty, so just the fact that this guy is new is already a lot of points in his favor. [27:56.5]

Now, coming out of my pickup artist years, the woman that I ended up choosing to commit to and got into a relationship for a few years ended up cheating on me while she was out traveling on a girls vacation, and it turned out the guy she cheated on me with was definitely not of a higher social value than I was and this was incredibly confusing to me because what I had been counting on to keep her in the relationship was my value, which is often cashed out as status.

He was definitely much lower-status than I was in normal society. He was more of the tatted up criminal-record type, and this blew apart my worldview of understanding long-term attractiveness, and this sent me spiraling into a red-pill hole of dark depression and resentments spilling out onto women kind, so to speak. I guess, if they’re all out to get theirs, then I’m going to go out to get mine. [28:49.7]

Eventually, after many months of therapeutic work, I was able to take personal responsibility for my own blind spots in that relationship to realize one of the many things that I had done wrong was to rely on what I thought of as attractiveness to keep that relationship going, and I couldn’t compete with her trying to get some strange on the side, because, in fact, our relationship was just founded on attractiveness, which is very fickle.

Throughout that relationship, I was trying to do so much to increase my value, quote-unquote, “social value,” “mating value,” to increase my social status, vis-à-vis hers, never fully feeling secure in who I was as a person, because that wasn’t, it turns out, what I was counting on to keep this relationship going.

I needed the humility to admit I didn’t know what the heck I was doing in your long-term relationship, and I had to start from scratch to learn about what it actually takes to create and then to grow a loving, lasting relationship—and attraction is just one element of it, and it’s not even the most important one. So, if your relationship is primarily or solely built on sexual or physical attraction, you’re in for a rocky ride. [30:03.5]

The harsh truth is if physical allure is all that’s keeping you together, you’re definitely vulnerable to infidelity or a wandering eye. When someone more attractive comes along, which is inevitable as you age and as you just meet more people, your partner will be tempted. It’s a fragile foundation, and it’s not just about cheating. It’s about living in constant insecurity, always trying to make up for the fact that you feel like you’re not enough, never really knowing if your partner is with you for who you are or just with you for what you can do for her, or for the physical benefits you provide.

There’s also the emotional toll. Relationships like these tend to be shallow and unfulfilling. You might find yourself in a cycle of short-term relationships, never really experiencing the depth and richness of a committed long-term connection. It’s a path of continuous uncertainty and dissatisfaction. [30:59.0]

But what if you build a relationship on love, connection, compassion, and responsibility? Imagine waking up every day knowing you’re with someone who values you for who you are, not just for your physical attributes or what you can do for them. Think about the depth of connection that you would share, the sense of security and understanding. This kind of relationship goes beyond the superficial. It’s about growing together, facing life’s challenges hand in hand, and supporting each other through thick and thin. It’s a partnership where both people feel seen, heard and deeply understood.

In a relationship grounded and emotional maturity and true connection, and loving commitment, you don’t just exist together. You thrive. You inspire each other to be the highest versions of yourselves. There’s a sense of ease and comfort, knowing you can be your true self without fear of judgment or rejection, and you can share goals, dreams and work together to build a life that’s fulfilling for both of you. [31:59.4]

Then let’s not forget the joy that comes from this kind of bond, the laughter, the shared adventures, the quiet moments of contentment. These are the things that give color to our lives, and this is the kind of relationship that not only survives the ups and downs of life, but becomes stronger because of them. 

As we move into the New Year, I want you to think about what kind of future you want for yourself. Are you chasing fleeting physical attraction or are you building something deeper, something that will stand the test of time? Remember, the choices you make in your relationships dictates the quality of life that you’ll end up leading. Choose wisely, and you’ll open the door to a future filled with unconditional love, emotional connection, and true happiness.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I believe this one is coming out just before the New Year, so happy New Year to you wherever you are in the world. If you like this, hit a like or leave a positive review on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. Hit subscribe or follow, and if this helped you, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it.

Thank you again so much for listening. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode in the new year. Until then David Tian, signing out. [33:09.2]

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