You tell yourself you want to change. You can even articulate lots of good reasons for changing. But when it comes time to commit or decide or take action, some part of you gets in the way… and you’re back to being stuck just arguing with yourself.
Maybe you want to leave your job, but every time you consider it, you think about everything you’d be giving up. You can see how each side has good points, which makes it harder to decide what to do.
In this episode, I’ll guide you through a meditation where you give both sides a chance to be heard. You’ll explore what each wants and what each fears, without having to force yourself to agree with either one.
The aim is to understand what’s making the choice so hard, so you can consider a small next step that takes both concerns seriously. You don’t have to settle the whole decision today.
Set aside about 20 minutes somewhere you can sit without distractions, and bring one thing you feel torn about. I’ll guide you through it, and you can pause whenever you need more time.
If you’re driving or busy right now, save this episode for later. The meditation will be waiting here for you when you’re ready.
Show highlights include:
- Live Meditation Begins: Two Conflicting Sides of Yourself (0:30)
- Do you have an issue you keep putting off, or do you want to change your life but don’t know how to begin? This will help (0:45)
- How to re-ground yourself if this meditation becomes too overwhelming (and you know what? this technique works anytime life feels too overwhelming) (1:26)
- 5 different ways you might visualize your different parts and their varying emotions throughout this meditation (3:01)
- Why small and even productive tasks may be your mind betraying yourself (3:42)
- How to hear both sides of yourself during an argument without picking which one is “right” (4:53)
- A question to ask to each part of an inner conflict to arrive at the best step forward (7:30)
- 3 more questions to ask to conflicting parts to know them more intimately and deeply (11:19)
- How to act when the meditation ends to arrive at the best decision for yourself (20:05)
For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/
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*****
Listen to the episode on your favorite podcast platform:
Apple Podcasts:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/beyond-success/id1570318182
Spotify:
https://open.spotify.com/show/4LAVM2zYO4xfGxVRATSQxN
Audible/Amazon:
https://www.audible.com/podcast/Beyond-Success/B08K57V4JS?qid=1624532264
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https://www.podbean.com/podcast-detail/bkcgh-1f9774/Beyond-Success-Podcast
SoundCloud:
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TuneIn:
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Note: Scroll Below for Transcription
Welcome to this special episode of the Beyond Success podcast. I’m your host David Tian, and I’ve recently released a meditation as part of the relaunch of the Integrated Therapeutic Coaching Group, and I think this meditation dovetails very nicely with the themes that we’ve been covering so far in the Beyond Success podcast. So, I thought I would put it up here for everyone to enjoy, and I’d love to hear any feedback you’ve got on it whatsoever. And we’re going to dive right into it, so here you go.
…
Welcome. I’m David Tian, and I will be your guide through this practice. For the next while, we’ll listen to two sides of a conflict that you’re having with yourself. You might know what you want to do and keep putting it off, or you might want your life to change but feel unsure what comes next. You may face a big choice. Both options matter to you, and choosing either means giving something important up. We’ll give both sides a chance to be heard. [01:06.2]
Now sit somewhere that you won’t need to watch what’s happening around you. If you’re driving, save this for later. You can close your eyes or you can gently defocus them if you want to keep them open. You can pause whenever you need more time. If this ever feels too intense, just pause the recording. Look around. Feel your feet on the floor, and stop if you need to.
Now feel the chair beneath you. Let your breathing happen at its own pace.
Now bring to mind one thing that you feel torn about. Choose something that matters, but feels manageable. We’re going to spend a little time with it. [02:03.5]
Maybe it’s a task that you avoid or a life change that you’re unsure about, or a choice between two things that you really want. You don’t need to choose the biggest problem in your life. Just bring to mind one thing that you feel torn about.
Now recall a recent moment when you felt that conflict. Notice the part of you that favors one direction. It might want you to finish the project or leave your job, or give more time to a relationship. [02:57.3]
How do you notice that reaction now? It might be through words that you’re hearing or a physical tension in your body, or a feeling or an emotion, or maybe an image in your mind’s eye.
Maybe it’s a voice that you’re hearing. What is that voice saying?
Now notice the part of you that objects or pulls away, or wants the other thing or something else. This part might lead you to watch another YouTube video or scroll your phone, or do some small tasks instead of starting that thing.
It might want you to stay with what you’ve got while you work out what comes next. Or it may have a goal of its own. Time for your work, your family, or yourself? [04:07.1]
For now, you don’t need to know why these two sides disagree. Just notice how this second reaction shows up for you.
Now see whether you can notice both. One part favors one direction, and the other part has doubts or wants something else. Give each part a simple name, if that helps you keep track. You can hear both without having to decide which is right. [04:58.6]
How do you feel toward the part of you that favors the first direction? Do you agree with it? Do you feel grateful or pressured, or annoyed or tired? How do you feel toward that part of you? Just notice your response.
And how do you feel toward the part of you that objects or wants the other thing? You might be angry with it or you might agree with it, or you might wish that it would stop making this so difficult. You don’t need to pretend that you feel any differently. How do you feel toward this other part of you? [05:58.2]
Now notice how these two parts of you seem to feel toward each other. How does the part that favors the first direction feel toward this other one? And how does this other part feel toward the first one?
There may be words that you hear, or feeling or emotion, or physical sensation in your body, or an image that you see in your mind’s eye. Or you may have no clear answers yet, and notice that. How does this other part of you feel toward the first one? [07:03.2]
Staying with this other part of you, the one that objects or pulls away, or wants the other thing, wants something else, first, check with the first part of you that favors the first direction. Would it be willing to let you listen for a few minutes to the second part? Would it be willing to let you listen and focus on the second part first for a few minutes? Remember, listening doesn’t mean that you’ve chosen a side. You’ll give this first part your attention afterwards. [07:54.8]
If this first part objects, notice what it’s concerned about. You can pause here and listen to that concern. You don’t have to push past it. If this first part is willing, then we can turn toward the second part.
Thanking now that first part for giving you the space to be with the second part, and now focusing in on the second part, the one that objects or pulls away, or wants the other thing, focusing in on the second part, where or how do you notice this part of you now? [08:48.0]
Let your attention rest there. Notice any words that come up or any physical sensations, or any emotions associated with the second part, any images in your mind’s eye that come with it. There’s no need to make it clearer than it is. Just notice whatever comes up.
And notice how you feel toward this part of you now. If you feel annoyed or you want to fix this part, notice that response. Ask that reaction if it would give you a little room to listen, to be with the second part. Those feelings of annoyance or wanting to fix it don’t have to agree with what you hear. [10:08.0]
If that’s too hard for those negative feelings toward the second part, you can pause and stay with whatever the concerns are. You don’t have to force curiosity.
When you feel fully willing to listen to the second part, ask the second part, “What do you think your job or role is?” Then wait. An answer may come as words you hear or a physical feeling, or a sensation or an emotion, or an image in your mind’s eye. You don’t need to invent anything. Just notice whatever comes up. [11:01.8]
Now ask this part, “What are you hoping will happen if you succeed in doing your job?” and give it time to answer. “What are you hoping will happen if you succeed in doing your job?”
Now ask this part, “What are you afraid would happen if you stopped doing your job? What are you concerned or worried would happen if you stopped doing your job?” [12:05.3]
Stay with whatever you heard or felt. Let this part tell you, share with you, without arguing with whatever it says. If nothing comes, leave the question open in your mind. If you heard a concern or worry, or fear, let this part know that you heard them. You don’t have to promise things will turn out well. [12:53.0]
Having heard that, how do you feel toward this part now? Is your response different from when we began? You might feel more patient or maybe you still feel frustrated with it, or you feel no change. Notice whatever is true for you.
Now we’ll focus on the part of you that favors the first direction. Check whether the part that you’ve just heard is willing to give you space and time to let you do that. You can keep what it told you or shared with you in mind as you hear the other side now. [13:56.4]
Now bring your attention to that first part. Recall what it wanted you to do or to choose. Focusing on that part now, where or how do you notice it? Let your attention rest there for a moment. And what else do you notice about it? Notice any words that you hear or physical sensations you feel, or any emotions associated with it or any images in your mind? [14:47.8]
And notice how you feel toward that part now. You might agree with it so much that you start arguing its case or maybe you feel tired of hearing from it. Notice that response. See if you can give this part more space or room to speak. If another reaction objects, ask if that reaction can wait while you listen. You can pause if it needs your attention.
Now ask this first part, “What do you think your job or role is?” Let it tell you in its own way. “What do you think your job or role is?” [16:05.6]
Now ask this part, “What are you hoping will happen if you succeed in doing your job?” Take time to hear what matters to this part. “What are you hoping will happen if you succeed in doing your job?”
Now ask, “What are you afraid would happen if you stopped doing your job? What are you worried or concerned would happen if you stopped doing your job?” [17:02.2]
Now notice what this part shared with you. Hearing what matters to this part doesn’t commit you to its choice or preference. Let this part know that you heard its concern if you did, and if you feel some warmth or thanks toward it, let it know, but you don’t have to force that. [17:53.1]
Having heard from this part, how do you feel toward it now? Take a moment to notice.
Now bring both parts to mind again. Recall what each side wants and what each fears. How does the part that favors the first direction feel toward the second part now? Let it feel however it feels. Just notice. [18:53.8]
And how does the second part feel now toward the first? They may feel differently toward each other now, and they may still disagree. You don’t need to make them agree.
Now check how you feel toward both of them. Can you notice both without having to take a side or argue, or make either one go away? That may feel easier now. It may still be hard. [19:59.0]
Before we finish, consider what you’d like to remember from what each part told you or shared with you. What did each want? What was each afraid of? You can write down a few words after the recording ends.
Now consider one small next step that takes both concerns seriously. Maybe you might try 10 minutes of a task or explore one new direction, or check a fact that could affect your choice. How does each part respond to that next step you’ve chosen? [20:59.8]
If either objects, hear what still concerns that part. You can leave a big decision open while you take a useful next step.
When this conflict comes back, pause and notice both sides. Ask yourself, “What does each side want? What does each fear? What do I need to check before I act or decide?” [21:50.7]
For now, feel your feet against the floor. Feel the support of the chair. Take a deep breath in through your nose, holding at the top and a long breath out through your mouth.
You can gently open your eyes if your eyes are closed. Look around the room. Let your attention return to wherever you are.
Now write down what you heard from each side, what each side shared with you, and any next step you want to take.
That’s enough for now. Well done. [22:36.2]