How to Create Deep Connection, No Matter Who’s Around You | (#028) Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers, with David Tian, Ph.D.

A lot of people try to think their way into better relationships. They read books, watch videos, analyze their past mistakes, maybe even map out a plan for how they’re going to show up differently next time, and all of that feels productive, like they’re making progress. But connection isn’t something you master in your head. It’s something you practice in real life. You don’t learn to swim by reading about swimming. You get in the water, and connection works the same way.

The best way to get better at connection isn’t by sitting alone, studying human behavior, or mentally preparing for the right moment to open up. It’s by actually engaging, by being around other people, experimenting, getting real-time feedback and pushing past old patterns in a space where you’re seen and supported. [01:04.7]

When you get this right, everything in your life levels up. Relationships stop feeling like a mystery. You start attracting people who bring out the best in you, rather than just the ones who happen to be around. You move through the world with a quiet confidence, not the kind that only comes from achievements or external success, but the kind that comes from knowing that wherever you go, you can create connection—and when life inevitably throws you challenges, you don’t have to muscle through them alone. You have a real support system, people who know you, who have your back, not just when things are good, but when things are messy.

Now, if you try to figure this out alone, if you tell yourself you’ll work on connection once you feel ready, once you’ve read enough, once you understand enough, then you’ll stay stuck, because deep down, this isn’t about knowledge. This is about staying in your comfort zone. It’s about safety, and if you’ve spent years keeping people at arm’s length, if your nervous system has learned that vulnerability is risky, then no amount of intellectual understanding is going to override that. [02:06.8]

What actually rewires you is experience. Being in relationships where you practice showing up differently, where you feel what it’s like to let people in and not be rejected, where you start proving to yourself through direct experience that connection isn’t something to be managed, it’s something to be lived—that’s what we’re getting into in this episode, why connection is actually a skill, why most people try to develop it the wrong way, and how you can start doing it right by making sure you’re not doing it alone.

I’m David Tian, and for almost the past two decades, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries attain success, meaning and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives.

I’ve got four points here. Let’s dive right into the first—most people assume connection is something that just happens, that the right relationships will fall into place when the timing is right, or that if they meet the right person, the connection will just take care of itself, and if it doesn’t, then maybe they’re just not that type of person. Maybe they’re just wired differently. [03:07.6]

But connection isn’t some magical, predetermined force. It’s a skill, and like any skill, it has specific components, and if you don’t practice them, you won’t get good at them. Most high-achievers understand this in other areas of life—like if you want to build muscle, you don’t just wait until you feel strong. You go to the gym, you train, and over time, strength develops. If you want to lead, you don’t just assume you were born with leadership skills. You learn. You practice. You make mistakes. You adjust.

But when it comes to relationships, a lot of people assume the rules are different. They think deep connection should just click, that if they have to work on it, then something must be wrong. That’s where a lot of people get stuck, because, in reality, connection is built through very specific skills, like presence, vulnerability, real listening—not just hearing words, but actually getting the emotional reality behind them—the ability to open up without trying to control how you’re perceived, the ability to hold space for someone else without making it about you. These aren’t things you just understand conceptually. They have to be practiced. [04:20.7]

I had a client, let’s call him Eric. He was a smart guy, built a very successful business. He came to me because no matter how much he accomplished, he still felt emotionally disconnected from people, from his team, his friends, and the women he dated. He told me, “I know connection is important, but I just don’t feel it. It’s like there’s a wall between me and everyone else.” 

So, I asked him, “How are you practicing connection?” and he looked at me like I was speaking another language, because to him, connection wasn’t something you practiced. It was something that either happened or didn’t, and when it didn’t, he assumed that meant he just wasn’t wired that way. [05:01.8]

But when we broke it down, he realized he wasn’t actually engaging in the skills that create connection. He wasn’t slowing down and being present in conversations. He wasn’t allowing himself to express anything emotionally vulnerable. He was always managing how other people saw him, and because he never really revealed himself, he never felt seen.

So, he started simple, micro adjustments. Instead of thinking of conversations as something to get through, he started training himself to actually be there in the moment, to listen, to notice when he started checking out mentally, emotionally, to stop mentally planning what he was going to say next. He practiced showing up to conversations without trying to be impressive or interesting, and just to see what it felt like at first to let the conversation just flow.

At first, it was really uncomfortable for him. He had spent years developing his intellect, his wit, his ability to be engaging, to be interesting to others, so that they would see him as valuable, and dropping that and just being present felt really unnatural and uncomfortable to him, like he wasn’t doing enough. [06:16.0]

But as he kept at it, something clicked. He started feeling conversations more rather than just thinking through them, and for the first time, he felt connected, not because the right people magically showed up, but because he was finally engaging in the skills that made connection possible—and this is what most people miss. If you don’t actively practice the skills of connection, you’ll struggle with it, no matter how smart or successful or socially experienced you are, because connection isn’t just something that happens. It’s something you build. [06:50.0]

Okay, so moving on to the second point, connection isn’t just about the one-on-one relationships you build. It’s about the environment you exist in. A lot of people think of relationships as individual events. One friendship here, one a romantic partner, there a handful of professional contacts. But relationships don’t happen in isolation. They form patterns. They reinforce behaviors. They shape how you see yourself, how you interact with others, and ultimately, the whole quality of your life.

Nicholas Christakis, a very prominent researcher at Yale University, wrote about this in his book, Connected. Your habits, your emotions, even your health, are heavily influenced by the people around you, not just your close friends, but also your friends’ friends, and even your friends’ friends’ friends. They shape your life in ways you’re not even aware of.

One of his famous studies tracked obesity rates over time and found that if a close friend becomes obese, your risk of obesity increases by 57%, and even if a friend of a friend of a friend, someone you don’t even know, gains weight, your chances still go up by around 20%. The same pattern shows up for smoking, happiness, and even divorce. If a close friend gets divorced, you’re 75% more likely to get divorced yourself. [08:13.0]

This isn’t about willpower. It’s not about discipline. This is about the reality that humans are wired for social connection, and whether we realize it or not, we sync with the people around us. So, if you want deeper, more fulfilling relationships, the fastest way to make that happen isn’t by focusing just on one relationship at a time. It’s by upgrading your entire environment, by surrounding yourself with people who naturally model the kind of connection you want.

I’ll give you an example. I have a client, let’s call him Ryan. Ryan came to me because he struggled with relationships. He had acquaintances, professional contacts, casual dating experiences, but nothing deep. He wanted deeper, real connection, but every time he tried to open up, he felt like he was hitting a wall. [09:02.5]

As we worked together, one thing became clear—his entire social circle was full of people who also avoided depth. His friends were driven, successful and ambitious, like he was, but their conversations never went beyond the surface level of business, fitness or superficial banter. Nobody talked about what they were actually struggling with. Nobody challenged each other to grow emotionally, and because that was the norm in his groups, Ryan naturally believed that that was just how relationships were.

But when he started spending time in new environments around people who valued deep connection, his whole perspective on relationships shifted. He saw firsthand and he felt what it was like to be in a conversation where people actually listened at a deeper level, where they weren’t just waiting for their turn to speak to say something that they thought would be impressive, where vulnerability wasn’t something to be avoided, but something that strengthened relationships. [10:02.7]

At first, it felt really awkward for him. He wasn’t used to it, but after a few weeks of this, something clicked. He started having deeper conversations, not just in this new group, but everywhere in his life. Some of his old friends started opening up to him more. His dating life became richer. His relationships felt more real, not because he tried to force anything, but because he was finally experiencing what deep connection felt like.

This is why group environments matter so much. You can’t just read about connection. You have to live in it. You have to see it, feel it, and practice it in a space where people are committed to the same thing, because if the people around you aren’t challenging you to connect with them more deeply, then they’re reinforcing your old patterns, whether you realize it or not. [10:52.4]

Many high-achievers struggle when it comes to managing their emotions or navigating their relationships, and they hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you’ve noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.

That’s where David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It’s based on peer-reviewed, evidence-backed therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Okay, let’s move on to the third out of four points. People love to think they can figure things out on their own, especially achievers. They read. They analyze. They take pride in being independent, and in some areas of life, that totally works. You can teach yourself a skill, start a business, or learn a new language, through sheer discipline, but connection doesn’t work like that. [12:06.8]

You don’t build deeper relationships by sitting alone or thinking harder, or reading another book, because connection isn’t just an intellectual process. It’s a biological and emotional one. Neuroscience backs this up. Your brain is wired with something called mirror neurons. These neurons fire not just when you take an action, but when you see someone else take that action. This is why watching someone yawn can make you yawn. That’s why babies instinctively mimic facial expressions before they even understand language. It’s how we learn naturally, not just by doing, but by experiencing others—and this is why deep connection is best learned in connection.

You change fastest when you’re around people who model the kinds of relationships you want, when you witness real vulnerability, when you see how emotionally-healthy people communicate, when you feel what it’s like to be in a space where depth and trust are the norm, then your brain picks up on all of these patterns, and without even trying, you start adapting and adopting them yourself. [13:11.4]

As an example, I worked with a client, we’ll call him Sean. Sean had been stuck in his head about relationships for years. He knew all the theories. He could explain attachment styles, emotional intelligence, even the neuroscience of connection, but when it came to actually feeling connected in his real-life relationships, nothing clicked. He’d go on dates and overthink every conversation. He’d spend time with friends, but still feel like an outsider, and the more he tried to analyze what was wrong, the worse it got.

The problem wasn’t a lack of knowledge. It was a lack of experience. So, we switched things up. Instead of giving him frameworks or strategies, we put him in spaces where deep connection was already happening, high-quality mentorship, group settings where people were open, engaged and real with each other, places where he could see what real connection looked like, and then where he could feel what it was like to be around people who are already living it. [14:10.5]

Within weeks, things started shifting for him. He stopped overanalyzing. His conversations felt easier. He wasn’t trying to force connection anymore. It was happening naturally, not because he suddenly understood relationships better, but because his brain had experienced them in a different way.

This is why trying to figure connection out alone is so slow. You can read all the books, listen to all the podcasts and try to logic your way into emotional depth, but your brain doesn’t rewire through theory alone. It rewires through immersion, in experience, and the fastest way to do that is to surround yourself with people who already live what you’re trying to learn, because your brain is built to sync up with the people around you, whether you realize it or not. [14:59.3]

Okay, so the fourth and final point is that transformation doesn’t happen in isolation. Personal growth, emotional healing, deep fulfillment, these don’t come from sitting alone with your thoughts in meditation or no matter how much reflection or journaling you do. They happen through relationships, through connection.

The longest-running study in human history is on human happiness, the Harvard study of Adult Development, led now by Robert Waldinger. It’s biggest finding was this point—the people who lived the longest reported the most life satisfaction and even aged better weren’t the ones who made the most money or achieved the most external success or mastered their mindsets. They were the ones who had deep, fulfilling relationships, and this isn’t just about happiness.

Irvin Yalom, one of the most influential voices in psychotherapy, spent decades working with people in deep, emotional pain, grief, depression, loneliness, and what he found was that real healing didn’t come from breakthroughs in just understanding. It came from relational experiences. [16:07.5]

People don’t heal only because they finally realize something. They heal because at some point they experience connection in a way they never have before. The theory, the intellectual understanding, that’s really there to set up the experiential transformation through connection that makes the biggest difference. This is why therapy and personal coaching are so powerful, but group work multiplies the effectiveness.

I had a client, let’s call him James. He had been in therapy with other therapists for years, had read every self-help book he could get his hands on. He had lots of knowledge, but deep down, he still felt disconnected. Relationships to him still felt like work. He still had this lingering belief that if people really knew him, then they’d pull away or run away, so he stayed guarded. He had some friends, but he never let them get too close. He went on dates, but those dates never really got anywhere. They never went anywhere deep. He always kept one foot out the door, even if he didn’t realize it consciously. [17:13.5]

Then I invited him for the first time to join a therapeutic coaching group. At first, it was really uncomfortable for him. He wasn’t used to being fully seen or having others try to connect with him at this deeper level. But after several weeks, something incredible happened. He opened up about something real, something he had never shared with anyone else before, not even in years of therapy, and he braced himself for judgment and criticism, and he at least expected silence—but, instead, the people in the group leaned in. They related with him. They shared their own experiences.

For the first time in his life, he didn’t just know that he wasn’t alone. He felt it, and that was what made the biggest shift for him, not more insight, not more knowledge, but the experience of being fully seen, fully understood and fully accepted, and this is why the experience of connection is the catalyst for major life change. [18:14.8]

You can spend years working on yourself, thinking your way through your problems, trying to solve connection by yourself, but nothing rewires you faster than being in a space where deep connection is already happening and encouraged, because when you experience connection at that deeper level, something in your unconscious clicks. Your system, your inner system, learns what’s possible, and after that, you can’t go back to how things were before at that superficial level.

Okay, we covered a lot today. Let’s bring it all together.

If you want to get stronger, you don’t just read about lifting weights. You’ve got to go to the gym and actually move your body. You put yourself in an environment where strength is being built, where people are pushing themselves, where growth is normal, in fact, normative. Connection works the same way. [19:05.0]

You don’t master it by thinking harder or studying relationships, or waiting for the right moment. You master it by living in spaces where deep connection already exists and is encouraged and supported, where people value it, where people practice it, where being open, present and engaged isn’t just an abstract idea, it’s the default experience—because connection isn’t just a skill. It’s a nervous system experience. You learn connection by experiencing it, not just by intellectually understanding it, and that’s why trying to do this alone doesn’t work.

You can spend years telling yourself you’ll open up when you feel ready, that you’ll prioritize relationships once you have more time, that once you reach a certain level of success, then connection will just come naturally. But it doesn’t work like that. If you don’t practice connection now, you won’t suddenly know how to do it later. [20:02.0]

That’s why putting yourself in the right environment matters, whether that’s coaching, mentorship or a high-quality friend group or peer group, or any space where people are actively working on relational depth. This is what makes the difference, because when you’re in a group where connection is the norm, you absorb it. It rewires you, and suddenly, what used to feel unnatural starts to feel obvious.

So, the question isn’t whether connection is important. You already know it is. The real question is, are you actually practicing it in the right environment, or are you just thinking about it, waiting, avoiding it? Because connection doesn’t happen later. It happens where you decide to engage, where you show up, where you stop trying to figure it out alone and start putting yourself in spaces that draw it out of you.

Thank you so much for listening. If you have any comments or feedback whatsoever, I’d love to get it. Leave a comment or send me a message. If you like this, hit a like or give it a good rating on whatever platform you’re listening to this on, and if this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else you think could benefit from it.

Thank you again so much for listening. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [21:10.0]