The Moral Case for Ethical Seduction & Why It’s Necessary for Connection | (#056) Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers, with David Tian, Ph.D.

Starting almost 20 years ago, I’ve been accused of deception because of my past in coaching on dating pick-up, seduction, or whatever you want to call it. The claim was always the same, that I had to deceive, to pretend, to trick women into liking me. But what if I told you the truth is the opposite, that what I came to discover the hard way is that the most moral and the most effective way to approach dating is through radical transparency?

 Let me pause here on that word “seduction,” because I know for a lot of people, it sets off alarm bells. When I use the word “seduction,” I don’t mean manipulation. I mean the playful back and forth of flirting, connection, and intimacy. I mean the dance of attraction between two consenting adults, the energy that sparks when two people are drawn to each other and they both know it. [01:00.0]

The critics assume seduction must involve masks and tricks, but the opposite is true. The real mask is the one that the so-called nice guy wears. He hides his desire behind small talk, tries to look harmless, then later on the fifth date, lunges in for a kiss out of nowhere. That’s pretending. That’s deception. Or there’s the indirect style that you may have heard about from Erik Von Markovik, aka Mystery, or Neil Strauss, aka Style, full of canned lines and rehearsed routines, saying the same memorized thing to every woman. That’s not connection. That’s performance.

The question is this—which is more ethical, hiding your intentions behind a script or stating them openly so the other person can actually choose freely? When you put it this way, the moral path becomes obvious, radical transparency, owning your attraction, owning your insecurities, and showing up as yourself in dating, in relationships, in leadership and in life. [01:57.7]

I’m David Tian, a Brown University–certified leadership coach and a certified IFS therapy practitioner. For almost the past two decades, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries find fulfillment, meaning and success in their personal and professional lives.

Let’s dive right back in. There are two false choices here. The first false choice that most men fall into is the so-called “nice guy” approach. It feels safe at first. You meet someone you’re attracted to, but instead of saying anything, you hide it. You make small talk about the weather, the class you’re both in, the Netflix show you’ve both watched.

You keep things polite and pleasant, but the whole time, you’re suppressing the real reason you started talking to her in the first place. You found her attractive, and because you never said that, you never owned that, the attraction doesn’t get addressed honestly. Instead, weeks or months down the line, when you can’t take the tension anymore, you lunge in for the kiss, or you confess your feelings in some dramatic speech. [02:54.8]

The problem isn’t just that this usually fails. The deeper problem is that it’s dishonest. By pretending you wanted only friendship, you were really waiting for the right moment to reveal what you always wanted, and the woman often feels blindsided. When we hide our attraction, we take away the other person’s chance to respond openly and freely.

Then there’s the second path, the second false choice, which became popular with the rise of pick-up artists back in the early-2000s, and this is the indirect game. Instead of small talk, this guy uses prepackaged routines. He’s got a set of canned openers, funny lines, palm reading tricks, even magic routines, and he repeats them word for word almost with almost every woman. This approach promises predictability. If you say Line A, she laughs. If you follow with Routine B, she’s supposed to show interest—but none of it is authentic. She isn’t responding to him as an individual, and he isn’t connecting to her as an individual either. He’s just following his script. [03:58.4]

On the surface, this may look clever. You have this illusion of control, because you know what’s supposed to happen next, but underneath, it’s still a form of hiding. Instead of showing who you really are, you’re covering yourself with gimmicks. You’re not truly present with her, noticing what’s unique about this particular woman. You’re just running material, and if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone running material or a script, whether in dating or networking, or in sales, you know how hollow it feels. It’s like being talked at, not talked with.

Both the nice guy and the indirect-game pick-up artist suffer from the same moral flaw: concealment. One hides attraction behind fake friendship. The other hides insecurity behind routines and performances. Both take away the woman’s ability to respond to what’s really there, because they never show what’s really there. [04:56.8]

So, here’s the question I want to put to you. It’s a question I take straight from a moral philosopher’s lens. Which is more ethical—to hide your intentions behind an impersonal mask or to state them openly and give the other person the dignity of choosing freely?

When I frame it this way, most people nod. They can feel it in their gut, the honest way, the respectful way. It’s obvious, but it’s also harder. It requires courage to tell the truth right away. It requires vulnerability to reveal your desire when you don’t know if it’ll be accepted, and that’s why most men default to the safer-seeming strategies of either the nice guy or the indirect game pick-up artist. They’d rather risk deception than rejection, but that risk of rejection is precisely what makes attraction authentic, because it’s based on truth, not tricks.

So, the better path of radical transparency is what I call ethical seduction. By that, I mean being upfront about your attraction, your intentions and your standards. Instead of hiding behind small talk or gimmicks, you simply tell the truth. It’s deceptively simple, and that’s partly why it’s so hard. [06:12.3]

Take a direct opener. Imagine you’re walking down the street and you see someone who catches your eye. Most guys freeze. They either look away or scramble to come up with some harmless question about directions and then just say a quick “Bye, thanks” afterwards. But in ethical seduction, you can walk up and say, “I saw you walking by, and I had to come over to tell you, I think you are beautiful, and I just had to come over to meet you. My name’s David, and yours?” That’s it. That’s all you have to say to start.

From there, it’s mostly improv. It’s like playing a jazz solo where you know the harmonies and chord changes of the song, but you’re making up a new melody on the spot, while listening actively and responding to the other players in real time. You’re present in the moment, responding to her as a unique person, actively listening to her response and then responding to that. [07:07.0]

Or take an observational opener. For example, let’s take something like you notice that this woman is sporting a really interesting set of bracelets on her arm. You don’t just ask, “Hey, where did you get those?” Instead, you say something like, “I absolutely love those bracelets on you,” period, not as a question, not as a lead in to some canned routine, just an honest statement of what genuinely caught your eye. That’s the essence of transparency. It’s genuine, in the moment, and it’s coming from you authentically.

Now, sometimes what’s most alive in the moment is your own insecurity, your own nervousness, and here’s where the nice guy and the indirect pick-up artist both fall apart. The nice guy hides insecurity by acting harmless. The pick-up artist hides insecurity behind routines. But the ethically-attractive, transparent man owns it. [08:06.6]

He can just say, “I was nervous to come over, but I didn’t want to regret not saying hi,” or in the moment, he might say, “I don’t know why, but there’s something about you that is making me feel so insecure right now, and I want to figure it out,” and if you can say this with a light, playful tone, you’ve not only revealed your truth, but you’ve also shown tremendous courage.

This is why radical transparency has such a light, fun improv vibe. It’s not heavy or serious. It’s not a confession in a church booth. It’s playful truth-telling. It’s saying what’s alive in your mind and heart, and then letting the chips fall where they may, and this is exactly where the moral weight comes in because now she actually gets to choose. She knows what you want. She knows where you stand, and she’s free to decide whether she’s in or out. That’s respect. [08:58.2]

What most people don’t realize is that this kind of transparency doesn’t just reveal you to her. It also reveals you to yourself, because when you start doing this, you suddenly come face to face with all the parts of yourself that have been running the show in secret, like the pleaser part that just wants approval or the inner critic part that says you’re not good enough, or the insecure boy who’s terrified of rejection.

In Internal Family Systems therapy, we call these parts. They’re trying to keep you safe, but in the process, they block intimacy. When you start practicing ethical seduction, these parts in you get exposed. You’ll hear the pleaser screaming in your head, ‘Don’t say that. She might not like you,” or you’ll hear your inner critic say, “She’s out of your league. Why even try?” You’ll feel the insecure boy in your chest, maybe, afraid of being laughed at or ignored—and this is the point. Transparency doesn’t just test your courage with other people. It tests your integration within yourself, and for most people, most of the time, these parts are mostly unconscious. [10:06.5]

So, ethical seduction helps you make conscious what was previously only unconscious, and now you get to work on them, whereas before, you barely noticed them. The irony is that by being transparent, you actually become more attractive, not because you’re trying to be attractive, but because you’re real, authentic, and that authenticity, that realness, cuts through. People can feel when someone is not telling the truth and when they are telling the truth. They can feel when your words line up with your intentions. It creates this congruence that canned lines and fake smiles can never authentically reproduce.

Here’s another irony. When you try to hide your insecurity, it leaks out anyway. The woman senses the hesitation, the fake smile, the tension in your body. The VC senses the overly rehearsed pitch, the buzzwords you don’t actually believe. Everyone has a radar for incongruence. We may not be able to articulate why, but we feel it. [11:10.8]

On the other hand, when you name the insecurity out loud, you actually disarm it. It’s no longer lurking in the shadows. You’ve brought it into the light, and suddenly, it loses its grip on you. What was once a source of shame now becomes a sign of honesty, and the more you practice this, the more you grow, because ethical seduction forces you to come back again and again to the parts of yourself that still need healing.

Every time the pleaser part flares up or the inner critic starts shouting, you get another chance to meet that part with compassion. You get to step into what in IFS we call the True Self, calm, curious, confident, compassionate, and let those parts of you know that they don’t need to run the show anymore. [11:58.4]

The more you do this, the easier ethical seduction becomes. At first, it feels terrifying, because every approach threatens to bring up shame or fear or rejection. But over time, as you practice, you build an inner congruence. The parts stop fighting each other. The inner critic isn’t as loud. The pleaser doesn’t panic as quickly. The insecure boy inside feels reassured and your parts start to trust you a lot more because they sense your strength, and when that happens, transparency stops being a technique, and it just becomes natural.

Here’s the real payoff—when you reach that place, you’re not just attractive in the moment. You’re grounded. You’re congruent. You’re someone who doesn’t need gimmicks or games, because the truth itself is strong enough, and when you show up that way, whether in a conversation with someone you’re drawn to or in a meeting where the stakes are high, you bring with you a presence that no pre-rehearsed routine could ever create. [13:02.2]

This is the deeper moral dimension of ethical seduction. It doesn’t just give the other person the freedom to choose. It also gives you the freedom to stop hiding, to step out of the masks and the gimmicks and the apologies, to show up as yourself, not the fractured collection of parts scrambling to get approval, but as an integrated person who can own attraction, own insecurity, and still move forward with playfulness and courage.

The more you live this way, the more you’ll notice how powerful it feels to no longer hide, not just in dating, but in every area of life, because once you’ve tasted the freedom of radical transparency, there’s no going back. It becomes the standard for how you want to live—honest, playful, present and fully alive. [13:53.0]

Let’s look more closely at why radical transparency is more moral. Let’s start with the French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre. Sartre wrote about something he called bad faith. Bad faith is when you lie to yourself, when you act as though you don’t know what you really want. You put on a mask, even for yourself, so you don’t have to face your true desires. That’s the nice guy approach. He pretends he just wants to be friends, all the while hiding the fact that he wants more. That’s bad faith. That’s self-deception.

The indirect style of pick-up, the canned routines, the palm reading gimmicks, that’s all bad faith, too, because you’re not showing yourself. You’re hiding behind props and lines that were written by someone else. You’re not confronting your actual fear of rejection, so you build a smokescreen to protect yourself. That’s still lying to yourself.

Radical transparency, on the other hand, is authenticity. It’s saying, “Here’s who I am. Here’s what I want, and here’s what I don’t know yet.” It’s taking off the mask. It’s showing up as a person who can own his desires without pretending. [15:01.1]

In Sartre’s terms, that’s authentic existence. If you’ve ever been in a room with someone who’s really authentic, you can feel it. Their words and body language line up. There’s no static. There’s a harmony that makes you trust them.

Now, my friend Mark Manson talks about something that fits perfectly here, the principle of polarization. Most people go through life trying to be liked by everyone. They sand down their edges. They try to say what’s safest, what will offend the fewest people, but that’s the fastest way to become forgettable.

When you live transparently, you polarize naturally, and you’re supposed to. Some people will reject you right away. Others will be drawn in even more strongly and naturally, and that’s how effortless real attraction works—and here’s the part most people forget. If you’re looking for a relationship, something serious and committed down the line, you don’t need everyone to like you. You don’t even need 100 people to like you. You only need one person out of 8 billion to truly connect with you deeply enough to go the distance, to be your life partner, to have a family with. [16:12.6]

So, the best thing you can do is to polarize. That saves you a ton of time and effort. That way, you filter out the people who are never a fit anyway, and you save yourself a lot of time and trouble. The worst trap is wasting months or years trying to keep something going with someone who has never aligned with you in the first place. Transparency clears the air quickly. [16:36.5]

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Now let’s bring in the moral dimension of consent and agency. Seduction, as I’ve defined it, is the playful dance of attraction between two consenting adults. The keyword there is “adults.” To infantilize women by assuming they can’t choose or by thinking you’re protecting them from their own decisions is disrespectful. To demonize them for wanting casual fun is also disrespectful. [18:02.5]

True respect is treating women as fully responsible adults capable of saying yes or no and deciding for themselves. That’s why transparency is moral, because you’re giving the other person the chance to choose. If you walk up and say, “I’m attracted to you. I’d love to take you out,” you’re not forcing anything. You’re not tricking her. You’re opening the door and giving her the dignity of making her own decision.

We have to talk about the double standards here. Throughout recorded history, women get shamed for wanting to enjoy their sexual or dating freedom. They get labeled or insulted for enjoying that freedom. This is hypocrisy and it poisons the whole conversation around dating and relationships.

Here’s the truth that people don’t want to admit. If women were freed from judgment, if they didn’t have to worry about being labeled, most people would be shocked at how many young women in their 20s are just as eager for a fun night out, great conversation and great sex with no strings attached. [19:03.8]

This shouldn’t be a surprise, by the way. They have hormones, too. We’ve known this since the 1950s, maybe earlier with the Kinsey Reports and Masters and Johnson. Women get lonely, too. They want adventure and excitement just as much as men do. The problem is social shame. That shame forces women to hide, to pretend, to deny their own desires, and then the men hide, too, because they’re afraid of being judged as creepy or pushy, and what you end up with is two people who actually want the same thing, but both are pretending. Both are living in bad faith, and then everyone walks away, frustrated, or worse, resentful.

Radical transparency cuts through all of that. It says, stop pretending. Stop hiding behind polite small talk or manipulative routines. Stop assuming you know what the other person wants. Show up as yourself. State your desires plainly and then give the other person the freedom to choose. That is the essence of respect, and it takes courage, takes balls, so to speak. [20:10.7]

Here’s the bigger lesson. The same thing that makes you magnetic in attraction or dating, like authenticity, polarization, respect for her agency, those are the very things that make you trustworthy in every other area of life. Whether you’re pitching a new project at work, negotiating with a client, or leading a team, people can tell if you are authentic. They can tell if you’re aligned, if you’re congruent with yourself. They can also tell if you’re just running a script, and just like in dating, the more you hide, the less trust you build.

So, when I talk about ethical seduction, I’m not just talking about getting dates. I’m talking about living in a way where your words, your intentions and your actions are aligned, where you respect yourself enough to state your truth clearly and respect others enough to let them choose freely how they will respond to you. That’s moral, and that’s attractive—and that’s the foundation for connection, whether in love or in leadership. [21:11.8]

Now let’s look a little bit deeper at why intentions matter so much, because when you hide your intentions, you’re not just protecting yourself. You’re misleading the other person, and when the truth finally comes out, it feels like a betrayal.

That’s why one of the most important parts of ethical seduction is making your intentions clear. Are you looking for something long term? Are you looking for something casual, an open relationship, or are you in a season of your life where you’re just not ready for commitment? Just say it. Own it, and say it as soon as you think the other person might be assuming otherwise, and ideally, say it even earlier than that to head it off. [21:49.3]

Now, I know what some of you might be thinking. But won’t that scare people away? Yeah, maybe, and remember, polarization, so it’s sort of like that’s the whole point. If what you want doesn’t line up with what they want, wouldn’t you rather find that out now instead of six months later after you’ve both invested or wasted time and energy into something that was never going to work anyway? Transparency saves both of you from wasted time and emotional fallout, and lots of unnecessary trauma.

There’s a funny example of this in an old episode of Who’s the Boss? a sitcom from the ’80s, Angela, the mother in this sitcom, spends the entire episode agonizing about whether to go on a date with this really attractive guy. She’s worried he’ll be expecting commitment, and she knows she’s not ready for that as a single mom.

She ties herself up in knots, stressing, overthinking for the whole episode, until right near the end of the episode, finally, when he shows up at her door, she blurts out, “Look, I’m not ready for anything serious.” He just smiles and says, “Hey, that’s fine. I wasn’t looking for anything serious either. I was just hoping we could just have a nice dinner, some good conversation, and maybe go dancing,” at which point, Angela lights up and says, “Oh, in that case, let’s go,” and they head out the door. [23:05.2]

So, what happened there? Transparency unlocked the possibility for true, authentic connection for that night. For the whole episode, Angela’s anxiety is driven by assumptions. She assumed he wanted something she couldn’t give. She projected pressure onto him that he wasn’t even applying, and when the truth finally came out, it turned out they both wanted the same thing all along, to just have a fun night.

This happens all the time in real life. Two people actually want the same thing, but neither of them is willing to say it. The man wants casual dating, but pretends he’s okay with something serious, because he’s afraid she’ll walk away. The woman wants something serious, but pretends she’s fine with casual because she doesn’t want to scare him off. And what happens? Both end up disappointed. Both end up feeling misled, and often, both end up hurt. [23:56.6]

Concealment kills connection. Transparency creates it. When you say, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now, but I’d love to spend time together casually,” you’re giving the other person a real choice, and, yes, maybe she’ll say no. That is her right. But maybe she’ll say yes, and if she does, now you have a connection that’s built on truth, not pretense, and you don’t set yourself up for lots of soul-sucking drama.

So, intentions matter. They shape expectations, and when you hide them, you strip the other person of their agency. You take away their ability to make an informed choice. That’s why transparency is the moral high ground. It doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want, but it guarantees that whatever you get is real.

Here’s the surprising part, when you’re transparent about your intentions, you often discover people are a lot more open than you expected, just like Angela in that Who’s the Boss? episode. The pressure and the fear were never real. They were projections. By putting your cards on the table, you clear the air. You give space for authentic connection to emerge, whether that connection lasts one night, a year, or a lifetime. [25:10.7]

Now, I know that a lot of young men simply don’t know that radical transparency is the best way forward. No one taught them. What they learned instead was to hide their attraction, to soften it, to disguise it, out of shame, and when they tried to be honest, they often got shamed for it. They got told they were creepy or desperate, or too much, so they learned to suppress their desires, or worse, to act on them in secret.

Here’s the paradox—shame doesn’t stop desire. It just forces it underground, and once it’s underground, it twists. It comes out as deception. A man who has been told that his desires are dirty will still have them. He just won’t show them to you honestly. He’ll hide behind friendship or behind routines, or behind a mask of indifference, and then people accuse him of being manipulative. But what created that manipulation in the first place? The shame. [26:08.3]

Instead of name-calling, we should be engaging in dialog. We should be showing men a better way. Own your desire. Speak it openly. Respect her agency. That’s the most moral approach, because when you put it on the table, “I find you attractive. I’d like to get to know you. Are you interested?” you’re not pressuring anyone. You’re giving the other person the freedom to choose.

There’s a brilliant illustration of this in the award-winning limited-series Adolescence. The show captures how overwhelming it is to be young and flooded with hormones, how awkward it feels to want something you can’t name, and how quick adults are to shame that energy instead of guiding it.

One of the central tensions in the series is that these adolescents aren’t bad kids. They’re just unprepared. They’re left to figure out sex and love and intimacy by themselves, while adults around them wag their fingers or look away, and without guidance, those kids stumble into secrecy, into hiding, into shame. [27:11.3]

That’s what happens to a lot of young men nowadays. They are not predators. They’re not villains. They’re uninformed, and they’re often scared. They want connection, but don’t know how to ask for it directly, and when their clumsy attempts get met with ridicule or moral outrage, they learn the wrong lesson, to just keep hiding.

So, let’s change that. Let’s stop shaming them and start teaching them. Let’s tell them, “Your desires aren’t evil. They’re human. What matters is how you handle them. Handle them with honesty. Handle them with transparency. Handle them with respect for the other person’s freedom to say yes or no.” When young men learn that, they stop hiding, and when they stop hiding, everyone benefits, because connection can only grow where truth is allowed to live. [28:03.0]

Now radical transparency doesn’t just stop at dating. It runs straight into every other area of life—business, leadership, coaching, and family—because what builds attraction in relationships is the same thing that builds trust in leadership, honesty that respects the other person’s freedom.

Here’s the principle: Boundaries mean I own my own words and my behavior. You own your emotions and your reactions. That’s the deal. If I tell you my truth in a clear and respectful way, I’ve done my part. How you respond to that truth is your responsibility. That’s not cold or detached. It’s respect. It treats you as a full adult who can make up your own mind and make up your own decisions, and that’s exactly what transparency demands. [28:52.7]

In business, this principle might be rare, but it is powerful. I worked with a client who was a VP in a major firm at the time. On the outside, he looked like he had it all together. Inside, though, he was exhausted, burnt out. He hated that his team looked to him for constant reassurance, but he put on this upbeat “everything’s fine” mask, even when the numbers were bad. He thought he was protecting them, but what he was really doing was eroding their trust and burning himself out.

When we dug deeper into it, we found the same parts at work that show up in dating for him, the pleaser, afraid of disappointing anyone, the inner critic, warning him he’d be exposed as a failure, an insecure boy terrified that if he admitted struggle, he would be abandoned. All those voices convinced him to fake confidence and shoulder all the burden himself. So, I recommended him to try transparency. [29:49.8]

The next team meeting, instead of another polished pep talk, he told the truth. He said, “We’re hitting these challenges that I haven’t emphasized enough how bad they are. I don’t have all the answers yet. Here’s what I do know and what I commit to doing, and here’s what I need from you.” That was the thrust of it, no gimmicks, just clear ownership of his role, clear requests and trust that the team could handle reality—and the result really surprised him. His team didn’t panic. Instead, they rallied. They respected him more because he came clean about and trusted them with more responsibility, and he finally sounded like a real human instead of some corporate machine.

Over the next quarter, morale went up, even while the numbers were flat, but by the next quarter after that, they had a big breakthrough, and it began because his transparency created trust. His team knew where he stood. They knew he wasn’t hiding anything and that gave them permission to be honest with him in return. That’s the foundation of integrity. [30:56.0]

In dating, in leadership, in every kind of relationship, people don’t need perfection. They need authenticity. They need to know that what you say, what you do and what you mean line up. That’s what radical transparency delivers, and when you start living this way, you stop wasting energy on maintaining masks. You can put that energy into connection, into vision, into real leadership.

To sum it up, ethical seduction is what I’ve been calling the courageous but playful and honest dance of flirting, romance, intimacy between consenting adults. It’s not about tricks or pretending. It’s about saying what’s true in the moment, but the lightness that leaves room for fun and discovery.

We’ve covered a lot. We saw how the nice guy hides behind harmless chatter until his hidden agenda spills out later. We saw how the indirect-game pick-up artist hides behind routines, tricks, canned material. Both are forms of deception, even if unintentional, and we contrasted that with radical transparency, owning your own attraction, being upfront about your intentions, and letting the other person decide for themselves as a free adult. [32:11.2]

We also looked at why this is more moral. Sartre called self-deception “bad faith.” Radical transparency is the opposite of that. It’s authentic existence. Mark Manson reminded us of the power of polarization. When you tell the truth, some people will reject you, and others will be drawn in even more effortlessly and naturally. That’s honest attraction.

We looked at the moral ground of consent. To treat women as full adults is to respect their freedom to decide yes or no—and this principle goes beyond dating. It builds trust in business, in leadership, in any relationship that matters. When you stop hiding and you start telling the truth, attraction becomes more real, connection becomes deeper, and life becomes freer, the ones who are right for you will stick around. They will respect you more for your honesty, and they’ll go deeper with you. [33:03.5]

So, here’s the question I’ll leave you with. What would change in your life if you practice radical transparency if you stopped hiding what you want and trusted others enough to let them choose freely for themselves?Thank you so much for listening. If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you liked it, hit a like or give a good rating on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. If you have any feedback whatsoever, I’d love to get it. Leave a comment. Send me a message. I’d love to get your feedback. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [33:34.0]