Why Being Yourself Feels Unsafe (But Why It’s Necessary for Happiness) | (#059) Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers, with David Tian, Ph.D.

Most people treat authenticity like it’s an ideal that’s not realistic, like something you just mentioned in a job interview or a dating profile, but not something you can actually live, because, honestly, it feels dangerous to them.

Authenticity feels like standing on stage naked, waiting for the audience to laugh, so instead of risking that, most people hide. They hide behind little tricks, half-truths, or silence, and it works for a while, but only at the cost of real connection and true fulfillment. So, let me ask you, when it comes to leadership or love, or life itself, would you rather be accepted for a mask you wear or rejected for the truth of who you really are? [00:58.0]

It’s not an easy question, because on paper, the answer might seem obvious. We’d all like to think we would choose truth over fakery, but in practice, the moment potential rejection looms large, we scramble for cover. We pull out pre-rehearsed routines or we stay quiet. We say only what we think will keep us safe.

The irony is, those masks don’t actually protect us. They just trade one kind of pain for another. Sure, rejection stings, but hiding is poisonous. It’s toxic. It rots and festers, and sabotages your happiness. It leaves you with the gnawing sense that you were never truly seen, never truly known, never truly chosen.

This episode isn’t about airy-fairy advice or inspirational slogans. I am going to go deeper, because there’s a paradox at the heart of authenticity. The more you reveal, the more vulnerable you feel, and yet the more attractive, trustworthy and magnetic that you become. Today, I’ll take you into that paradox. We’ll look at why authenticity feels terrifying to some, why it triggers so much of our inner resistance, and why, despite all that, it’s the only way forward if you want connection that actually lasts. [02:09.4]

I’m David Tian, a Brown University–certified leadership coach and a certified IFS therapy practitioner. For almost the past two decades, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries find happiness, fulfillment and success in their personal and professional lives.

So, why does authenticity feel so terrifying? It’s because it pulls off the mask. It exposes the deepest fear that most of us carry. “What if the real me isn’t enough?” That’s the thought that keeps people hiding. It’s easier to put on a mask, to say the line that you’ve rehearsed in your mind or out loud, to play the role that you think will be accepted. At least then, if you’re rejected, you can tell yourself it wasn’t really you, it was just the act. [02:53.3]

That’s why tricks, masks and routines feel safer. They’re a buffer. They create distance, a shield between your real Self and the other person’s judgment. But here’s the big problem with that, the very thing that protects you from rejection also prevents you from being accepted for who you really are.

Take dating as an example. The classic nice guy hides his interest, plays it safe, pretends to be just a friend. Then, weeks or months later, when he works up the courage, seemingly out of nowhere to her perspective, he makes his move, and the woman is shocked, even feeling betrayed, because what she thought was genuine friendship turned out to be a cover for hidden desires, and that is deception, even if he never consciously thought of it that way.

On the other hand, the so-called game guy uses prepackaged lines and routines, or even hires a service to text women for him on dating apps, copy and paste a few clever messages, lets someone else do the texting and then show up on the date expecting connection. But she’s not reacting to him, she’s reacting to a script, and when the real guy shows up, if she’s smart, she’ll notice the incongruence that, This isn’t the guy who’s been texting me, she’s going to think. [04:09.8]

Both approaches fail for the same reason. They’re founded on lies. They set up a relationship on a false premise. The nice guy hides his desire and the game guy hides his true identity. Neither has the courage to be fully transparent. Yes, tricks protect your ego, in the short term. They give you the illusion of control, but in the long term, they sabotage the very thing you’re hoping to build, true connection, which requires trust, because once the mask slips, the other person realizes they were connecting with an illusion, not with the real you.

Deep down, you realize it, too, which is why, even if the trick works, you can’t enjoy the victory. You can never really relax, if you’re smart. You can’t feel proud, because you know she didn’t actually choose you. She chose the act, the mask, and as long as you rely on tricks, you’ll always live with that quiet, gnawing fear that if you ever stopped performing, if you ever showed up as your True Self, the whole thing would collapse. [05:11.4]

That’s why authenticity feels so risky, but it’s also why it’s the only way forward. The paradox of authenticity thus is this—the more you reveal, the more vulnerable you feel, but the more connection you actually create. It seems counterintuitive. We’re taught from childhood to manage impressions, to fit in, to say the thing that will make others like us, so when we finally let our guard down, when we say the thing that feels alive in the moment, it feels dangerous to us. Yet that danger is what makes it magnetic, because people don’t want to connect with a mask or an act. They want to connect with the true person beneath it. Real connection can only be built on authenticity, not just on the polished version of you, the edited version that has been run through filters. [06:01.7]

Now, when you first take the mask off and try to be authentic, it’ll probably make you nervous, and any rejection at that point would sting, but that’s what’s required for true connection, lasting happiness and a fulfilling life. Now, let me be clear, authenticity is not the same as vulnerability dumping. It’s not going on a date and unloading your trauma. It’s not blurting out every insecurity and expecting them to hold space for you like they’re your therapy group. That’s not connection. That’s care-taking. Expecting them to care-take you, to take responsibility for your feelings, is to violate their boundaries, and it usually pushes people away, not because they’re cold hearted, but because they didn’t consent to be your therapist.

Authenticity is truth delivered with ownership. There’s a difference between saying, “I was nervous to come over, but I didn’t want to regret not saying hi. I’m David,” versus saying something like, “I’m so broken from my ex. Please fix me.” One of those is a window into your humanity. The other is a demand to take care of you. The first builds attraction and the second drains it. [07:09.7]

Here’s a deeper reason why this distinction matters so much. Jean-Paul Sartre called it bad faith. To live in bad faith is to pretend, to play a role you don’t believe in, to deny your own freedom by hiding behind a mask. The nice guy lives in bad faith when he pretends to want only friendship, hiding the truth of his sexual attraction. The game guy lives in bad faith when he recites routines he didn’t actually come up with or doesn’t actually mean. In both cases, the man isn’t showing up as himself truthfully. He’s shrinking away from the risk of being seen.

Authenticity, by contrast, is the courage to live in truth, to stand before another person without the shield of manipulation or performance, and to say, “This is me. I may not be perfect, but this is who I truly am.” It can be frightening, but it’s the only path to genuine connection, because only then can the other person choose you freely. Only then can they say yes or no to you. [08:13.8]

The irony is, the very thing we fear, that if we show up authentically, people will walk away or abandon us, reject us, is also the very thing that makes the right people lean in closer. The people who are actually good for you, who resonate with who you actually are, will only be drawn when you stop hiding, when you drop the act, when you allow the real person beneath the armor to come through. Otherwise, they don’t get an opportunity to connect with the true you.

But, look, let’s not romanticize this. Authenticity will not guarantee universal approval, speaking directly to that fearful playing-it-safe part. In fact, it will polarize. Some people will dislike you more. Some will dismiss you, and that is the cost of honesty and true connection. [09:03.6]

Yet at the same time, the ones who connect with you will connect more deeply, genuinely, because they’re responding to your truth, not to some act, and that depth is what creates relationships worth having, whether it’s love, friendship or even leadership. This is why authenticity is paradoxical. It feels risky in the moment, but it’s the only thing that makes long-term trust possible.

Without authenticity, you’ll always be building on sand, forever performing, forever afraid of being found out. But with it, you step into the possibility of being truly known, finally, and loved, not for some act or a mask, but for who you truly are—and, of course, yes, this takes courage. But what is the alternative? A life of masks, tricks, half-truths? That’s not real safety. That’s a slow erosion of the soul. Authenticity may feel terrifying, but it’s, again, the only way forward. [10:04.0]

So, let’s understand how we got here. Why do we hide in the first place? Why does authenticity feel like a cliff edge, when in reality, it’s the ground that we’ve actually always longed to stand on? Okay, the answer is inside us, and here’s where Internal Family Systems therapy or IFS therapy gives us a very powerful lens on this.

Inside each of us lives, not one part or voice, but many. You’ve probably noticed this already. One part of you wants to walk across the room and introduce yourself. Another part says, “Don’t do it. You’ll embarrass yourself,” and a third part maybe says, “Play it safe. Stay in the corner. Just smile, and maybe someone will come talk to you.” These aren’t random thoughts. They’re parts of you. Some of these parts are protectors. Some are exiles. Some carry old wounds, memories of times when you reached out and got rejected, or when you spoke up and got shamed, and they don’t want you to feel that pain again, so they whisper or sometimes they shout, “Don’t risk it. Don’t say that. Don’t show that.” [11:05.1]

Take the pleaser part, for example. The pleaser’s whole strategy might be to say, “If I can keep everyone happy, then maybe I’ll be safe,” so this part hides your true desires, softens your edges, and tells you to just nod along, even when you don’t agree. Or there’s the inner critic part, the one that berates you before anyone else can. “Don’t even try, you’ll fail. You’re not good enough.” It thinks that by keeping you small, it keeps you safe. Or maybe there’s the insecure boy, the part of you frozen back in middle school, terrified of being laughed at, convinced that you’ll never measure up.

Now, none of these parts are evil, of course. They’re trying to help you in the only way they know how. But the problem is they keep you trapped behind masks. They keep you hiding, and when you hide, you can never experience authentic connection, because you’re never showing the person who you authentically, truly, really are. [12:02.8]

The work of IFS therapy is to listen to these parts instead of fighting them, to turn toward them with curiosity. When the pleaser whispers, “Don’t rock the boat,” you can pause and say, “I hear you. You’re worried I’ll get hurt if I speak my truth. Thank you for trying to protect me.” When the inner critic pipes up, saying something like, “You’re going to screw this up,” you can say, “Look, I get it, you don’t want me to face rejection again. I appreciate your efforts,” and when you do that, you experience a kind of turning point.

Your parts start to relax. They stop screaming. They start to begin to trust you, that you, the deeper Self, the higher self, the calm, compassionate core of who you are, can actually handle it—and from that place, authenticity doesn’t feel forced. It’s not a technique. It’s not something you’re straining to perform. It’s simply what flows when the noise inside has settled. [13:00.4]

Taoism has a word for this, wu wei, often mistranslated as non-action is better understood as effortless action, not contrived, not strategic, not manipulated, just natural. When the river flows, it doesn’t force its way down the mountain. It follows the path of least resistance, but it carves valleys over time with unstoppable strength. That’s what authenticity feels like. When your parts are integrated. You’re no longer pushing or posturing. You’re simply aligned with your inner truth, and from there, your presence carries the weight.

Think of the difference in a conversation. A man stuck in bad faith, in Sartre’s terms, will be calculating every word. He’ll wonder, did that sound confident enough? Should I smile more now? Should I mirror her body language more right now? He’s living in his head behind masks, but a man who has listened to his parts reassured them, stepped into his True Self, can simply say what’s alive in the moment for him, like something, again, like, “I was nervous to come over, but I didn’t want to regret not saying hi.” That’s not a line. It’s the truth in that moment. [14:09.3]

Ironically, it’s the truth that lands, because people can sense congruence. They can feel when words match reality. They can feel when there’s no act, and that’s why authenticity, though it feels risky, is what actually creates safety in connection. But it takes courage. True authenticity requires courage, but that’s how you build trust, because the other person doesn’t have to guess then. They don’t have to wonder what your agenda is. They know where you stand. [14:39.4]

Sometimes success comes with a hidden cost. You might have built a career, a business, or life you thought you wanted, but inside, maybe you feel burned out or unfulfilled. Or maybe it shows up in your relationships with your partner, your family or your team, where no matter how hard you try, the same painful patterns keep repeating.

If this resonates, I’ve got something you might be interested in. It’s a free 2-minute assessment that helps you uncover the No.1 block that’s been holding you back in love, in leadership or in life—and once you take it, you’ll get a masterclass tailored specifically to your results so you’ll know exactly where to focus to move forward!

It’s quick, it’s practical, and it can change the way you see yourself and your path ahead. Take the first step right now at DTPhD.com/quiz. That’s “dtphd.com/quiz.”

This isn’t just for dating. It’s for leadership, too. The insecure executive driven by an inner critic part hides behind jargon and empty slogans. He thinks, If I just sound polished enough, they’ll respect me, but the team doesn’t really trust him because they can feel the incongruence. Meanwhile, the leader who has integrated his parts can stand up and say, “This is the vision I see, and not everyone will agree, but this is where I believe we need to go.” That clarity, that honesty, that is what inspires loyalty, that transparency. [16:10.4]

The paradox is that the very thing that your parts are afraid of, like rejection or judgment or ridicule, is also the path to the connection, respect and love that they’re actually craving, and the only way through is courage, not the absence of fear, remember, but the willingness to act while fear is still present. I’ve devoted an entire podcast episode to courage earlier in this series.

When your Higher Self leads, the parts don’t disappear. They may still whisper, but they no longer control you, overwhelm you, take over, and you no longer need to hide. That’s why authenticity isn’t just some dating strategy. It’s a way of being. It’s a commitment to living without hiding behind masks, and it begins by turning inward, listening to the parts of you that tell you to hide and gently showing them that you no longer need to, and from there, authenticity is not some technique. It’s who you truly are when you stop pretending. [17:13.0]

Now let’s go even deeper. In his groundbreaking book and Pulitzer Prize–winning book, The Denial of Death, Ernest Becker wrote, “The unconflicted man was the leader of the primal horde.” What did he mean by that? That human beings are drawn to those who aren’t fighting themselves inside. When someone has made peace with their own contradictions, their own Shadows, their own dark sides, when they’ve stopped hiding their fears and Shadows, they radiate something others can feel deeply. They don’t have to prove themselves because their presence already communicates it.

This is where transparency and Shadow ownership come in. Most of us are terrified of our darker impulses, like jealousy or anger, or fear or insecurity, or sexual desire. We try to cover them up and pretend that they’re not there. We distract ourselves or others from noticing what’s really there. But, ironically, it’s that very hiding that makes us feel less trustworthy. [18:12.2]

Wise people can sense when something is being concealed. They can feel when words don’t match reality. It creates a subtle tension, a dissonance, but when you own your shadows, when you integrate them instead of running from them, the opposite happens. People trust you more, because now they know what they’re dealing with. There’s no hidden agenda. There’s no mask. You’ve stopped trying to project perfection, and that’s exactly what makes you believable.

Again, in the dating context, imagine a man who approaches a woman that he finds attractive. His hands shake a little. His voice isn’t perfectly steady, and the old model would say, “Cover it up. Act cool. Pretend you’re in control. Hope she doesn’t notice.” [18:55.2]

But the man who has integrated his Shadow can smile and say, “I am super nervous right now, but I would kick myself if I left without saying hi.” That simple admission doesn’t weaken him. It actually strengthens him, because it’s true, it’s congruent, and he’s not pretending. He’s letting her see the truth, and paradoxically, that makes him more attractive.

Now let’s look at leadership. Picture a CEO standing before her team in the middle of a crisis. She doesn’t have all the answers yet. She can’t promise that every challenge will be solved overnight. The insecure leader hides this uncertainty, covers it up with jargon, throws out empty assurances, and the team, if they’re wise, senses the gap between what’s being said and what’s actually true. Good people will sense it, and their trust will diminish.

But the good leader is the one who says, “Look, I don’t have all the answers yet, but here’s the direction we’re taking, and here’s why and why I believe in it.” That answer wins respect, not because she was flawless, but because she was honest, and that honesty takes courage, and courage inspires confidence. [20:03.4]

C. S. Lewis puts this with a kind of stark clarity. He reminds us that authenticity is not perfection. It is honesty joined with courage. When you own your Shadows, you’re not claiming to have transcended them. You’re saying instead, “These are parts of me. They don’t control me anymore. I have faced them, and I’m not afraid to acknowledge them. Maybe I even appreciate them for their positive intent.” That is what makes people lean in. That’s what allows intimacy, whether in love and friendship, or in leadership.

Again, here’s the paradox. Hiding your Shadow doesn’t actually keep you safe. Instead, it isolates you. It creates suspicion in others. But admitting your Shadow, naming it, integrating it, this creates safety, true safety for others. They sense that you won’t explode when things get tough because you’ve already faced your own darkness and have come to terms with it. They sense that you won’t manipulate because you’ve stopped lying to yourself. [21:01.6]

You don’t have to think of this in abstract terms. It plays out in daily life. A man who pretends to be flawless on a date ends up coming across as stiff, robotic, even arrogant. A man who can laugh at his own awkwardness while still holding himself with dignity comes across as human and therefore approachable, relatable. A leader who insists that she has everything under control gets ignored when the cracks show. But a leader who names the challenge, admits the limits of her knowledge, earns more buy-in when she lays out the plan.

This is why Becker’s line about the unconflicted person is so powerful. The real leader, the real magnetic person, is not the one who never feels conflict, but the one who is no longer at war within himself—integration, not denial; harmony, not repression—and this is where the deepest courage lies, because facing your Shadows is not easy. [21:57.8]

It means confronting the parts of you that you’ve been running from for years, the jealous part or the insecure part, or the raging part. But once you’ve done that, once you’ve listened, understood and brought them into harmony, you stop leaking insecurity. You stop hiding, and your presence changes.

That’s the power of transparency. That’s the power of Shadow ownership, not to make you perfect, but to make you trustworthy, not to eliminate fear, but to show that fear no longer runs the show for you. That’s what makes people follow you. That’s what makes people fall for you, because in the end, authenticity is not a mask you put on. It’s the courage to take the mask off, and the more you own what you used to hide, the more others will respect you for it. They’ll trust you, not because you’re flawless, but because you’re real. You’re authentic, and authenticity is the foundation of all lasting connection. [22:54.6]

Masks can get you attention, tricks can get you compliance, but neither will ever give you true connection, and in the long run, connection is what we all need and want, whether in romance or in leadership. What sustains a bond isn’t how clever you are or how smooth your lines sound. It’s trust, and trust only grows where honesty is present.

The problem with masks is simple. Even if they, quote-unquote, “work,” you know it wasn’t you that was chosen. You know the person responded to the act, not to your truth. That’s how imposter syndrome takes root. You start wondering, If they really knew me, would they still want to be with me? and that thought never leaves you, so you keep performing, you keep hiding, and over time, the pressure of that performance eats away at you.

The landmark book in trauma studies, The Body Keeps the Score, mega-bestseller, makes clear what many of us already sense—our bodies remember. Chronic hiding, chronic suppression, doesn’t just affect your mood. It affects your physical health. Anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, even a shortened life span, are all tied to the stress of pretending. [24:14.0]

The longest running study in human history, the Harvard study of Adult Development, confirms the same point. The single biggest predictor of happiness and longevity is the quality of your relationships. Not money, not status, not even achievement. Relationships, and relationships only thrive when they’re grounded in authenticity.

Yes, authenticity might feel risky. It might expose you to rejection. But here’s the paradox—rejection, when you’re authentic, actually sets you free. If you’re real or true to yourself, and someone walks away from that, at least now you know. You don’t waste years wondering if you could have kept the act going. You don’t have to juggle lies. You don’t have to fake enthusiasm for some role or some relationship that doesn’t fit you. You get clarity. [25:04.8]

When you’re accepted authentically, when someone says yes to you as you actually truly are, the acceptance fills you in a way that no performance or playing it safe ever could, because you know it was true, real, authentic. You know it wasn’t earned by tricks, but by the truth. That’s why Sartre, harsh as he could be, insisted that living in bad faith, pretending, playing a role you don’t believe in, is a form of self-betrayal. It kills freedom. It hollows out your dignity.

Remember the principle of polarization, how being authentic naturally divides. The people who are wrong for you will reject you harder, but the people who are right for you will connect with you more deeply. That’s a good thing. That is not failure. That is how life sorts itself out for you, and you save yourself so much time, energy, drama and heartache. [26:00.3]

So, when I say authenticity is the only way forward, I don’t mean it as some kind of motivational slogan. I mean it as the hard truth. You can spend your life hiding and die lonely, even if you’re surrounded by surface level connections, or you can risk rejection and live honestly and finally taste deep connection that’s truly fulfilling. That is your choice, and only one of those choices leads to personal freedom.

Let’s bring this together. Authenticity feels risky. It always will. It means showing your hand instead of hiding it. It means stepping forward without knowing how the other person will respond. That’s why so many people avoid it. But here’s the paradox—the very risk you’re avoiding is also the price of authentic connection.

If you dodge the risk, you also dodge the reward. We’ve seen how tricks and masks only buy you short-term attention or compliance. They do not build connection or trust. They don’t sustain loyalty, and they certainly don’t give you any peace of mind. They leave you stuck in bad faith, pretending, hiding, slowly eroding your own self-respect. [27:08.7]

Authenticity, by contrast, cuts through. Yes, rejection might hurt, but rejection frees you. It shows you clearly who is not for you, and it clears the path for those who truly are. Acceptance when it comes is fuller and deeper and more fulfilling, because you know it was real. You weren’t chosen for some act. You were chosen for your True Self. That’s what makes authenticity not just moral but practical. It’s the only way forward.

Now, I know this isn’t easy. It’s simple to say, “Be authentic,” but a lot harder to live in the moment when your nerves spike and old fears whisper in your ear. That’s why my new coaching programs are like a kind of gym for authenticity, a place to practice the reps, a structured environment where you can stumble, experiment and build the courage to show up without needing masks or shields, and over time, authenticity becomes second nature. [28:01.8]

This isn’t about adding tricks. It’s about actually removing them, stripping away the layers, until what’s left is the true you, steady, congruent and free. That’s the foundation of authentic connection, whether in love, leadership or life.Thank you so much for listening. If this has helped you in any way, please share with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you liked it, hit a like or give it a good rating on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. If you have any feedback whatsoever, I’d love to get it. Leave a comment. Send me a message. I’d love to get your feedback. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [28:33.5]