Why You Still Feel Stuck Even After Doing ‘The Work’ | (#046) Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers, with David Tian, Ph.D.

If you’re like most people listening to this, you’ve already done a lot. You’ve read the books. You’ve gone to therapy. You’ve tried journaling. You’ve done the morning routines. Maybe you even have a great meditation streak going, and for a while it probably helped. You felt better, more in control, calmer, more focused, until, suddenly, you didn’t anymore. Maybe you snapped at your partner again or ghosted someone you actually liked, or lost a whole weekend to Netflix and food delivery because you just couldn’t deal. Then that part of you that thought you were past this starts to panic, like, Why is this still happening? Then the doubt creeps in. Maybe I’m just broken. Maybe this is just how I am. Maybe nothing really works for me. [01:00.4]

But it’s not that nothing works. It’s that none of it sticks, and there’s a reason for that. It’s not because you haven’t worked hard enough. It’s not because you didn’t try the right techniques. The reason those changes didn’t last is because the growth never went all the way down. Most personal development happens on the surface. Even therapy, if it stays in the realm of talking, can actually miss the parts of you that are actually running the show, those parts of you that shut down when things get too close, the ones that panic when you get too happy, the ones that go numb under stress or lash out when you’re scared.

They’re not bad parts. They’re not trying to sabotage you on purpose. They’re just stuck in old roles, and unless those parts are brought into the process, unless they’re included and understood and integrated, you can make all the progress in the world and still feel like you’re back where you started. [01:54.1]

That’s why this episode exists. I want to show you what real transformation actually takes, and I want to give you a glimpse, just a taste, of what your life could feel like if those inner parts were no longer fighting against you, but working with you, because that’s when life gets really good, not perfect, not painless, but full, authentic, harmonious—and, yeah, there’s effort involved, but it’s not the kind of effort that burns you out. It’s the kind that brings you home.

And who am I to be telling you this? I’m David Tian. For almost the past two decades, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries find fulfillment, meaning and success in their personal and professional lives. I’ve got three points that I want to walk you through in this episode, and here’s the first one.

Most of what’s sold as personal growth is actually just behavioral patchwork, a temporary fix, a short-term lift, a surface-level shift that doesn’t touch what’s actually driving your emotions and actions and the truth is, even a lot of coaching, especially the high-performance kind, makes this mistake. They go straight to the outer layers and they get stuck there to the symptoms. They try to tweak the routines, optimize the schedule, develop new productivity systems, reframe the thinking. [03:08.5]

Sure, you can get some results from that. You might even feel a little better after, but only for a while, because it never really lasts, because the patterns always come back. That voice that tells you that you’re not doing enough, that pressure in your chest when someone gets too close, that part of you that says you don’t get to relax until everything is perfect.

You can outwork it for a while. You can meditate and journal and check all the boxes, but at some point, one of those old parts is going to slam the brakes on you, not because it wants to ruin your life, but because it’s scared—and here’s where most of the mainstream stuff misses the mark. It tries to override those parts, bypass them. It treats them like obstacles, like things to conquer or eliminate. But those parts are not your enemy. They’re parts of you, wounded parts, exiled parts, protective parts, parts of you that formed a long time ago to help you survive, and that this isn’t just a metaphor, it’s actually how your mind works. [04:10.8]

Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems therapy, discovered this firsthand. He was working with clients that kept sabotaging their own progress. No matter how much therapy they did, the same defenses would keep popping up, so he got curious. He started asking those parts questions and listening to them, and what he found was this. Every one of those problem parts had a reason for what it was doing, even the ones that seemed harsh or destructive. There was always a purpose, a positive intention, behind the pattern.

Once those parts were seen and heard, once they were included in the process, instead of shoved into the background, real transformation could happen—not forced to change, not a new performance mask, but actual lasting internal alignment and harmony and integration. [05:03.5]

Carl Jung pointed to something similar decades earlier. He said that real healing doesn’t come from perfection. It comes from wholeness, from bringing the unconscious into consciousness, from making space for the parts of ourselves that we usually try to ignore, because whatever you don’t integrate ends up controlling you, and this is what most people miss. They go after results, discipline, consistency, peak performance, but deep down, there’s still a part of them that doesn’t feel worthy of success or a part that’s terrified of being truly seen, or a part that just wants to shut the world out and disappear.

As long as that part isn’t acknowledged, no amount of hustle or mindset rewiring is going to make the internal conflict go away. You’ll just feel more and more like you’re fighting yourself. Some days you’re on, productive, calm, focused. Other days, you’re a wreck. You pull back. You collapse. You go dark, not because you’re weak, not because you’re lazy, but because those other parts are still in pain and fear, and no one’s ever helped you actually be with them. [06:13.8]

Instead, you’ve been told to silence them. “Don’t listen to the inner critic,” or “Push past fear,” or “Just move on.” But those voices aren’t random noise. They’re messengers. They’re carrying something important. Until that message is heard and that part is allowed to step out of its old role, nothing really transforms—which brings me back to why growth doesn’t stick, because if you only focus on the behaviors, on routines or systems or positive thinking, you’re ignoring the parts of you that need healing the most, and the parts you ignore will always find a way to come back.

So, if you’ve been feeling stuck, if you’ve done the work, but still find yourself falling into the same patterns, that’s not a failure. It’s just a sign that the growth hasn’t reached the parts that need it most, that you’ve been changing the outer strategy without including the inner system. [07:08.5]

Once you start bringing those parts in, once you start integrating instead of overriding, everything starts to feel lighter, less like a fight, more like a team finally pulling in the same direction, not all at once, but gradually, steadily, honestly, and that’s when the progress finally sticks in the long term. That’s when you’re not just performing your way to the next goal, but actually becoming more whole, more integrated.

Here’s the second point, and this one’s really important—real growth doesn’t come from forcing. It comes from relationship, and not your relationship with others, though that matters, too, but first and foremost, your relationship with yourself. Most people carry around an internal war. [07:55.0]

There’s a part of you that wants to show up, do the work, stay disciplined, and there’s another part that wants to hide or avoid, or burn it all down. One part says, “Let’s get our shit together,” and another part says, “I’m tired of pretending,” and we’re taught to pick a side, to beat the part that’s holding us back, but that just creates more tension, more pushing, more pressure, more pretending that you’ve got it all under control. Eventually, one of those parts will snap and this is where Internal Family Systems therapy gives us a better map.

Again, IFS therapy is an evidence-based psychotherapeutic practice and method. IFS therapy helps us see that your mind isn’t one unified thing. It’s made up of parts. Some of those parts are protectors. They try to manage your image or control the outcome, prevent embarrassment or shame. Other parts are exiles. These are the ones holding the most pain, the shame, the grief, the rage. [08:56.2]

They’re the parts of you that learn to bury, because back then, it wasn’t safe to feel those things, so the protectors stepped in, and those protectors did what they had to do to keep you functioning. They got you to perform, to smile, to chase success, but they also block you from feeling, from opening up, from connecting for real, because if those exiled feelings came back up, if that little boy who felt abandoned or rejected or just not enough, if he were to show up again, it would feel too much. So, the system keeps him locked away, and now, even as an adult, when something brushes up against those old wounds, a protector jumps in. It could be anger or sarcasm, or perfectionism or just checking out. Whatever it is, it’s trying to keep you safe. But safe doesn’t mean fulfilled. Safe doesn’t mean whole. Safe just means numb. [10:00.0]

Here’s the thing, those protector parts aren’t bad. They’re loyal. They’ve been working overtime for years. They just don’t realize the war is over, that it’s actually okay now to feel those things, to welcome back the parts of you that got left behind. But that only happens when you stop fighting them. You can’t force a protector to stand down. You can’t guilt or hustle or reframe your way into integration and wholeness and harmony. You have to build trust.

You have to get curious. You have to listen and seek to understand, and when you do when those parts finally feel safe enough to relax and trust you, what happens next isn’t like fireworks. It feels more like relief, like your nervous system exhales, maybe for the first time in decades. You don’t have to keep pretending you’ve got it all figured out. You don’t have to brace yourself every time something feels a little too real. You just get to be here fully, without splitting off from yourself. That’s what integration is, not fixing, not erasing, welcoming. [11:10.7]

Many high-achievers struggle when it comes to managing their emotions or navigating their relationships, and they hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you’ve noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.

That’s where David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It’s based on peer-reviewed, evidence-backed therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

The protective part that learned to micromanage every situation? You don’t need to crush it. You need to understand what it’s most afraid of. The part of you that makes you shut down when things get too emotionally intense? That part isn’t broken. It’s guarding something precious. [12:21.3]

When you start to approach these parts with compassion instead of trying to control, you stop being at war with yourself, and that’s when the true healing can actually start, because now you’re not just adding more productivity hacks to an already overloaded system. Instead, you’re rewiring it at the root, from conflict to collaboration, from protection to connection—and this is what most coaching and therapy skips. This is what high-achievers rarely slow down enough to even notice. [12:58.7]

But this, this inner system of parts, this is where the real leverage is, because once your internal parts stop fighting each other, you stop burning so much energy just holding yourself together, and suddenly, you’ve got all this capacity, not because you forced your way there, but because your whole system is finally moving in the same direction, aligned, harmonious, integrated.

So, if you’ve been doing the work but still feel stuck, it might not be that you’re doing it wrong. It might just be that some of your parts weren’t ready to come along, not yet, but they are waiting. Once they’re ready to be heard and once you’re ready to meet them, everything inside starts to settle, and what’s left isn’t some new version of you. It’s the true you, finally integrated, whole. [13:52.8]

Now let’s move to the third and final point. What does real integration actually feel like? Because this can all sound kind of abstract, right? Parts, protectors, exiles. Okay, so what does this actually look like in your day-to-day life when it starts working? Here’s what I’ve seen, not just in myself, but in hundreds of people I’ve worked with over the many years. When your internal system becomes more integrated, life stops feeling like such a grind.

You’re not waking up every morning with a sense of dread, already bracing for impact. You’re not second-guessing every decision or ruminating over conversations hours after they’ve ended. You’re not constantly negotiating with yourself just to get through the day. Instead, there’s this quiet steadiness. You make a decision and it feels clean. You take a break and you actually enjoy it without guilt. You’re fully present with your spouse, your kid, your team, and it doesn’t feel like effort. That doesn’t mean there’s no stress or that life becomes a smooth, perfect ride. It just means you’re not making it harder by fighting yourself the whole way. [15:04.3]

Let me give you an example. A while back, I worked with a guy in his late-30s, successful on paper, working in finance. Let’s call him Mark. He came to me because, on the outside, things look good, high income, top university, very highly educated, plenty of matches on the dating apps, decent friend circle, but inside he felt constant tension.

He told me he never felt relaxed. He never really enjoyed his wins and his romantic relationships never lasted for more than a few months. He was always either performing or pulling away, no in between. He told me he’d done all the usual stuff, therapy, journaling, cold plunges, even ayahuasca, and some of it helped for a while, but he always ended up back in the same loop. [15:49.8]

So, we went deeper. We started mapping out his parts, and over the ensuing weeks, a few of his parts stepped forward in a big way. There was this inner manager, hyper-efficient, ultra-driven, zero patience for weakness, and that part ran a lot of his professional life. Then there was this younger part, about 10 years old, in him, that carried this deep fear of being abandoned, and every time a woman got too close emotionally, that part of him panicked, which would then trigger another protector, one that would ice people out, stop replying, start scanning for someone better.

None of this was happening consciously for him, but once we started getting these parts into dialog, once Mark was able to lead the system from his True Self, then everything started to change in a major way. His True Self, by the way, is that inner state that’s calm, curious, clear and compassionate, and courageous. When you’re in that state, your parts start to relax more. They trust you to lead. You’re no longer being hijacked by fear or urgency, or self-criticism. You can feel emotions without getting swept away by them. You can say no without feeling guilt. You can love without losing yourself. [17:09.5]

For Mark, that started showing up in simple but powerful ways. He stopped ghosting the women he liked. He started sleeping through the night without waking up in a panic. He got into a relationship that didn’t trigger his usual push–pull cycle, and when things got really hard, he didn’t just collapse. He was able to stay present, because now those scared parts inside him weren’t being shoved away or exiled. They were being heard, held, led.

That’s integration. It’s not this big breakthrough moment with fireworks and tears, and epic music playing in the background, though it sometimes feels that way. Instead, it’s you waking up one day, realizing that you’re no longer fighting to feel okay, that your inner world has some more space in it and that you can breathe deeply, and that when something really challenging comes up, your first instinct isn’t to run or numb, or overanalyze or over-intellectualize. You just meet it with presence, with leadership. [18:13.3]

That’s what makes the difference, not another new tactic, not another dopamine hit from temporary success, but instead, learning how to lead your own inner system with compassion and clarity, because once you can do that, you stop looking outside of yourself for something to fix you. You’re no longer at the mercy of your patterns. You’re finally home with yourself.

All right, let’s bring it all together.

We started with the pattern, how so many high-achievers do all the right things, the books, the breath work, the routines, but still end up right back in the same emotional loops. Why? Because most of what’s out there only skims the surface.

Then we went deeper. We looked at the parts of you that actually drive those patterns, your protectors, your exiles, and why ignoring them just keeps the cycle going. [19:01.8]

Finally, we talked about what real integration feels like, less friction, more clarity, more calm, not because life suddenly becomes easy, but because you’re not at war with yourself anymore.

But here’s the thing—if you don’t do anything with this, if you keep patching over the symptoms, if you keep trying to out-hustle your inner world, if you keep pushing the scared or angry or tired parts into a corner, eventually, it all collapses. Your body gives out. Your relationships blow up. Your ambition starts to feel like a prison.

I’ve seen it over and over, men and women who had it all and still wanted to disappear, and it doesn’t need to get to that point, because on the other side of this work, there’s peace. There’s this grounded, quiet strength that doesn’t need performance to prove its worth. There’s joy, real joy, not as a reward for achievement, but just from being alive, present, connected, and the path there starts by turning inward, by getting curious, by listening to the parts of you that have been waiting for years to be fully seen. That’s the beginning of real integration. [20:07.5]

Thank you so much for listening. If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you have any feedback whatsoever, leave a comment or send me a message. I’d love to get your feedback. If you liked it, hit a like or give it a good rating on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [20:25.0]