For almost twenty years, critics have accused me of deception because of my past work coaching men in dating and relationships. The charge was simple: that I had to trick women, that I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t, that I had to manipulate my way into attraction.
But here’s the truth: the most effective and the most moral way to date is the opposite of deception. It’s radical transparency.
This lesson goes far beyond dating. It reaches into how we lead, how we build trust, and how we connect in every area of life.
What Do I Mean By “Seduction”?
The word ‘seduction’ makes some people cringe. For many, it conjures images of manipulation.
But by seduction, I mean something simple and human: the playful back-and-forth of flirting, connection, and intimacy. The dance of attraction between two consenting adults.
When it’s honest, seduction isn’t sinister. It’s fun. It’s authentic. And it’s an act of respect.
The Two False Paths Most Men Take
Let’s start with the two most common approaches men take—both of which fail not only practically, but also morally.
The first is the “Nice Guy” approach. He hides his attraction. He makes small talk about safe topics. He pretends he only wants friendship. Then, weeks later, he lunges for the kiss out of nowhere. She feels blindsided, because she never got to make an informed choice in the first place.
The second is the “Indirect Game.” This was made famous years ago by pickup artists like Erik Von Markovik and Neil Strauss. Instead of innocuous small talk, the man uses canned routines, rehearsed lines, or gimmicks like magic tricks. He repeats the same material with every woman. On the surface it looks clever. But at its core, it’s another form of hiding. He’s not showing up as himself. He’s hiding behind a script.
Both approaches fail because both conceal the truth. One hides behind false friendship. The other hides behind performance.
The Courage of Radical Transparency
Now picture a different approach.
You see someone you’re drawn to. Instead of pretending, you walk over and say, “I saw you and had to come over and tell you—I think you are… beautiful. And I just wanted to meet you. My name’s David. And you are?”
That’s it. No gimmicks. No long story. Just the truth.
Or maybe what catches your eye is her bracelets. Instead of asking a fake question, you say, “I love those bracelets on you.” That’s a statement, not a routine. It’s sincere.
And sometimes, what’s alive in the moment is your insecurity. The “Nice Guy” hides insecurity by pretending to be harmless. The pickup artist hides insecurity behind routines. But the man practicing radical transparency owns it: “I was nervous to come over, but I didn’t want to regret not saying hi.” Said with a playful tone, that’s honesty plus courage.
This is why I call this Ethical Seduction. It’s not heavy. It’s not a confessional booth. It’s playful, light, and real. It’s the courage to tell the truth while respecting the other person’s freedom to choose.
Why This Is More Moral
The great existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre called self-deception “bad faith.” When you lie to yourself, or hide what you know is true, you live in bad faith.
The Nice Guy and the Indirect Gamer both live in bad faith. They hide from themselves and from others.
Radical transparency is the opposite. It’s authenticity. It’s alignment between what you feel, what you say, and what you do.
And it comes with another benefit: polarization. Mark Manson has pointed out that when you’re authentic, some people will reject you. But the people who are right for you will be drawn to you more strongly. That’s real attraction. That’s also real leadership.
And remember this: when it comes to finding a partner, you only need one person. Out of billions on this planet, you don’t need everyone to like you. You need one person who’s aligned with you. Polarization saves time, energy, and heartache.
Respect for Consent and Agency
There’s also a moral point here about respect. Seduction, as I’ve defined it, is between consenting adults. To infantilize women—to assume they can’t choose, or to shame them for wanting casual fun—is disrespect.
Respect means treating women as full adults. It means giving them the truth and trusting them to make their own decisions.
And let’s be honest: if women were free from judgment, many young women in their twenties would also welcome a fun night out, good conversation, and great sex with no strings attached. They have hormones. They want connection and adventure too. (And it feels ridiculous we even have to say this.)
But shame forces women to hide. Just as shame forces men to hide. And when both sides hide, no one gets what they actually want.
Radical transparency cuts through that. It puts the truth on the table, and then lets the other person choose.
Transparency About Intentions
This goes beyond opening lines. It’s also about intentions.
If you want something casual, say it. If you want something serious, say it. If you’re not ready for commitment, say it.
Hiding intentions misleads the other person. And when the truth finally surfaces, it always creates pain.
I’ll give you a lighter example. There’s an old episode of Who’s the Boss where Angela spends the whole show agonizing over whether she should date this hot guy. She’s scared he’ll pressure her into commitment, and she’s not ready. Finally, she blurts it out: “I’m not ready for a serious relationship.” And he says, “That’s fine. I just wanted dinner, some conversation, maybe some dancing!” And suddenly she lights up and says, “Oh, in that case, let’s go!”
All her anxiety could have been avoided if they’d just been transparent from the start. Transparency creates possibility. Concealment kills it.
The Role of Shame
Many young men simply don’t know that radical transparency is the path. And when they try, they often get shamed for their desires. They’re called creepy, desperate, or worse. So they suppress their desires.
But here’s the paradox: shame doesn’t erase desire. It only pushes it underground. And once underground, it mutates. It comes out as deception, or manipulation, or frustration.
Instead of shaming, we should be teaching. Own your desire. Speak it openly. Respect the other person’s agency. That’s the moral way. That’s the human way.
The award-winning limited series Adolescence captures this dynamic well. It shows how overwhelming it is to be young, hormonal, and unprepared. And how adults too often wag their fingers instead of offering guidance. The result? Secrecy, shame, and pain.
The solution is not more shame. The solution is teaching transparency.
Beyond Dating: The Wider Application
What’s powerful about radical transparency is that it doesn’t stop with dating. It applies everywhere.
I once worked with a founder who hated admitting weakness to his team. He gave polished pep talks even when the numbers were bad. He thought he was protecting them. But he was undermining trust.
When he finally told the truth—“We’re struggling. I don’t have all the answers. Here’s what I do know. Here’s what I need from you.”—the team didn’t panic. They rallied. His honesty made him more trustworthy, not less.
That’s the same principle. Boundaries mean I own my words and behavior. You own your emotions and reactions. My job is to tell the truth. Your job is to decide what you want to do with it.
This is the foundation of integrity. In dating. In leadership. In every relationship that matters.
The Closing Challenge
So let’s bring this together.
Ethical Seduction is the courageous but playful and honest dance of flirting, romance, and intimacy between consenting adults. It rejects hiding, whether behind friendship or gimmicks. It chooses radical transparency.
And that same transparency builds trust in every area of life. In business. In leadership. In love.
When you stop hiding and start telling the truth, attraction becomes authentic, connection becomes deeper, and life becomes freer.
The people who are aligned with you will stick around. They’ll respect you even more for your honesty. And they’ll go deeper with you.
So let me leave you with this question: what would change in your life if you practiced radical transparency—if you stopped hiding what you want, and trusted others enough to let them choose freely for themselves?
👉 You can listen to the full Beyond Success podcast episode here: The Moral Case for Seduction & Why It’s Necessary for Connection
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