Great at Hookups but Horrible at Relationships? | (#081) The Masculine Psychology Podcast with David Tian

Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in dating, relationships, success, and fulfillment, and explore the psychology of masculinity. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.

David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast. I’m David Tian, your host. For the previous episode, I had spent over an hour, charting out, outlining an episode, and at the last minute, I went on my phone and wanted to do some research about how the topic related to some of the most popular content while I was on YouTube, checking the YouTube content, was some of the most popular content on that topic, and that led me into going more thoroughly through this channel that had been recommended to me to look at, as in listeners wanted my take on the content on that channel and that had been going on for a number of months. [01:00.4]

That search brought up some videos on the Fresh & Fit channel, and I also saw that they had interviewed Andrew Tate, another request that I was getting repeatedly. So, I thought, Hey, kill two birds with one stone, and watched these videos, and I ended up changing the entire episode direction and didn’t follow the outline that I had made at all. But then, that episode generated quite a bit of feedback, comments on YouTube, but also emails and Facebook messages about this recent episode that I just put out, so that got a lot of engagement and that was a last minute decision.

I had made an outline for this episode as well, but as I was reading the comments that you guys were sending in, I thought I’ll try the same thing again, went back on YouTube, searched for– I did this with the filters I looked for. I typed in the topic that I had planned for this episode, and then the filters were by most views and then I put a time limit of one year, and I put it on incognito mode so my search history and watch history wouldn’t get factored in. [02:14.4]

The top few videos that came up were mostly kind of entertainment joking videos. Some of them were just criticizing without much other content, other content, and you know how that kind of strategy goes. So, I was looking for something with some substance, and about the fifth video down, I found Andrew Tate, so here we go with some Andrew Tate. I kept going. It wasn’t just these two videos that I picked out to address in this episode, but I found this to be a common theme in similar content that seems to get a lot of views and trends well. [02:49.3]

One big theme that I’ve noticed in the most popular content for men’s dating advice is that most of the advice that I’m seeing here, not all of it—there are some exceptions I like. Jordan Peterson trends well, and the videos that I saw about his dating advice seem just pretty straightforward and relatively uncontroversial I think, just sort of common sense, not particularly deep, bringing in psychoanalysis or anything like that, which I think I do, but I have nothing against what he’s been saying—but most of the rest of the dating advice that trends well on YouTube might work if your main and only goal is short-term dating.

If you would, at some point, like to switch over to actually creating a successful long-term relationship, the dating advice that you got used to following, if you follow these guys’ advice, will have created habits of thought and action and behavior that will sabotage you when it comes to finding and creating a successful relationship with the right type of woman who would have what it takes to succeed in a long-term relationship. That is, she has the maturity level and the qualities that I had laid out in the last episode. [04:13.6]

This type of short-term thinking and kind of playerish behaviors, and a lot of these are straight up– I made content about how pickup, and I know most guys don’t know what the old school pickup that I was referring to there, how if you learn a good dating advice that actually works to get you laid by a lot of women, a lot of that advice that works in the short term, forgetting lots of short-term mating opportunities, let’s put it that way, actually encourages and cultivates and develops in you a narcissistic personality.

If you were to be assessed, if you were able successfully to adopt the type of character and personality that would make it naturally easy for you to attract women using those techniques and tactics, then you would actually score quite highly on assessments for narcissistic personality disorder. [05:13.3]

Now, my experience is most of the guys who weren’t naturally good with women, but then learned this advice and practice the tactics and techniques, and strategies and methods, and then got really good at them, in order to get really good at them, you’d have to internalize them so that you don’t have to use conscious competence. You just keep practicing it until it becomes unconscious competence.

For you to reach that level of skill with it so it’s not fake, but now it becomes a kind of natural way that you do things and it becomes relatively effortless, for you to reach that point, you would’ve had to internalize the mindsets and principles behind why those manipulative techniques work, and that would’ve led you into generating, creating for yourself a narcissistic personality, and it would’ve been diagnosed at that point as a disorder. [06:03.5]

Now, we know the temptation, because I fell for this temptation back in my thirties. I did the same thing, thinking the mistake, the big mistake that most guys think is that while I’m just on the prowl, on the hunt, hooking up, I’m going to just hook up with a bunch of women and do whatever it takes to hook up with a bunch of women, because it’s just fun. Then, at some point, I’m just going to slam on the brakes on those strategies and not do them anymore, and then, suddenly, look for a wife and future mother of my children and just stop being a player.

I’m sorry, but guess what? That doesn’t work, because in order for you to become really good and natural at attracting lots of women for short-term relationships, let’s say, one-night stands up to 10-night stands, as Neil Strauss liked to say back in the day. [06:50.8]

We’ll average that as, I don’t know, a five-night stand kind of short-term fling that might last five weeks, 10 weeks, and then the whole thing fizzles out and you’ve got many girls on the go. You’ve got multiple women that you are sleeping with. Maybe you have two or three that you see 10 times or five times, and then you have lots of one-night stands in there so that, at the end of the year, you look back.

That whole year, let’s say that you were single and you were just in the player phase and you were going out two times a week, maybe up to four times a week, and you ended up sleeping with two to four women, new women each month, let’s say three on average. Then at the end of the year, you kept that pace up and you slept with 24 to 48 women, and this is a standard player kind of rate of closing.

Now, in the world of dating apps, you’re really just going straight to the date. Let’s say that you’re lining up one or two dates a week and one or two of those end up in sex. Let’s say that you are having sex with four to eight new women each week, and let’s say that starts for the first couple months, and then you keep some of them in the rotation, so to speak, and you’ve got that rotation going for five to 10 weeks for each of these women who stick around for more than one time, more than a one-night stand. [08:15.8]

You’re getting this idea of the kind of snowball effects. Then you don’t have to keep meeting new women as much, but by the end of the year, let’s say you also have slept with 24 to 48 women through Tinder or Bumble, or whatever the dating app is.

Okay, if for you to have gotten to that level, where before you learned, practiced and mastered whatever dating advice works for short-term mating to get you 24 to 48 new women that you had sexual experiences with, and some of them, five to 10, she had 10 times, so you had the short-term fling with some percentage of them, for you to get to that point and before you got this dating advice to get to that point, you had hardly any success with dating. Right? [09:02.5]

So, you’re not getting these results because you’re really good-looking and just saying yes, like a very attractive woman would just say yes to these opportunities and just make bad split-second impulsive decisions and then regret this phase of her life later. Let’s say that you are not one of the top three or top one percent in good-lookingness or in celebrity status where girls will hook up with you just so they can brag to their friends that they did, and that’s a part of what status, the extreme levels, does for you.

Let’s say that you were just a regular guy who learned dating advice and, again, learned it, practiced it, mastered it to the point where you are consistently able to generate two to four new mating opportunities per month and kept that going roughly on average that rate for the year. For that to have happened, you would’ve had to internalize habits, and I ran through this in the last episode and I just want to remind you again here in this episode how your habits, your decisions of what to do, what to think, and you just expand that over time. [10:06.7]

Every action that you repeat, every thought that you repeat, the more that you repeat it and it gets ingrained in you, the more it becomes a habit. A habit means you don’t have to think about it anymore, it becomes automatic. Your collection of automatic thought patterns and behavioral patterns end up creating your character, and your character determines what you naturally do and say, and think and feel, which creates your life, your destiny.

If you follow, if you optimize your dating life, based on short-term mating, dating advice, and then you want to get a relationship later, you have now created a whole other character of you, a personality, and in this case, a narcissistic personality that you will have to undo and unlearn, and you have now created habits that you will have to break and replace with brand new habits, and you’ve made it doubly hard, if not triply or quadruply hard for you to actually succeed. [11:11.5]

Not even succeed, to even just start from the baseline, to bring it back down to baseline for being prepared for a long-term relationship, because then once you’ve broken down all those old bad habits in terms of a relationship, you’ll have to build up brand new ones to get you to the point where you will be successful effortlessly, relatively speaking.

You’ll have the tools and the skills to be able to succeed in a long-term relationship, which are very different tools and skills and mindsets to optimizing for short-term dating. A big part of that is the type of woman that you’ll be attracting using these more manipulative tactics that do work in the short term, because a woman who is ready and is mature enough emotionally and psychologically for a success in a long-term relationship will be turned off by the narcissistic personality patterns that work very well in short-term mating. [12:12.6]

That’s because there are far more immature women than there are mature women, just as there are far more immature men than there are mature men, and if you are running a numbers game where you’re getting two to four, if not more, if you’re a celebrity, or there were some months when I would and other high-level daters—I don’t know what you’d call them, players, and some of them are at celebrity status—some of them were just really rich and very good at using that displays of status and so on, and they would hook up with three women a week. There was a period when I hooked up with over 30 women in two months, and that was actually reported in the national newspaper in Singapore where I was living at the time and it was the headline for a center feature on me in the life section. [13:01.2]

So, I can tell you from firsthand experience, getting really good at short-term mating type of strategies, like hooking up, the type of game you spit, the type of optimization for how you present yourself and a lot of what works on the majority of young women actually does not set you up and, in fact, hurt you in the long run, if those become habits of thought and behavior and character, because mature women, women who are ready, emotionally mature enough for a long-term relationship, will be able to spot what you’re doing from a mile away and, generally speaking, won’t invest a whole lot of time into you.

Now, I was the recipient of gracious responses from mature women and mature men when we met out in the wilds of parties and so forth, or these were actually charity functions or red carpet events or something along those lines, and I’d hear these remarks like, “You don’t have to put on this front,” or “You don’t have to put on this act,” or “I can tell you’re trying to be somebody,” they were saying. I’d hear this sort of thing that you don’t need to be like that. I’d hear this and I’d laugh it off, like, Ha-ha, that’s good. Yeah, hey, you know I try, whatever, and cheers, and I’d just changed the topic. [14:17.7]

I can see that, when I look back on it now, as they saw that there’s a goodness in me and then here I am trying too hard, and this works on those young, impressionable sort of immature women who haven’t been around the block yet, or it works on the party girls who are also the same way, because they’re also narcissistic and they’re looking for that narcissistic supply, the ego supply, the ego validation that they feed off, and that was the same thing.

That’s what this short-term dating advice tells you to do, that this is the source of your power. “Go and get that status. Go and get that attractiveness. Go and get social proof. Go and get pre-selected,” and so forth. I’m writing a book in which I’m going to be laying out all of this in more detail so you can read it over and over, the analysis. I’m just pulling out some examples here. [15:05.3]

When I realized that, after getting into my therapeutic journey, almost a decade ago now, I had to consciously stop doing those things. I had to consciously stop doing all the things that I hadn’t internalized, and luckily, it was a second-nature thing because I learned it as an adult, late-twenties, early-thirties, so I knew what life was like before that.

It was very difficult if you were, quote-unquote, “a natural” and started learning and internalizing these principles at 14 or 12 years old, because you didn’t know any other way of being with women. Some of these men who got it easy early on and then find how empty and meaningless it is, just a life of hedonism and pleasure with meaningless empty relationships, end up being suicidal or alcoholics, and having to assuage their pain through distraction in these ways. [16:00.2]

Luckily, I knew what all of these techniques were because I was teaching them at the time a lot, for many years. As a teacher, I’m self-consciously reviewing them as separate techniques. Even though I had internalized them and they had become a natural part of the way I do rapport or repartee or banter with people naturally, I knew that, okay, I can stop frame-controlling, I can stop throwing in pink elephants. I can stop screening and qualifying. I’ll only do it if it feels natural and it’s not a technique, and it’s just because it’s an honest, authentic expression of maybe my own curiosity about the person.

I actively stopped trying to make myself look good. No more DHVs, for instance. No more stories that cast me in a positive light. No more introducing friends in a way that would make me look good and the friend, of course, also look good. No more of handling logistics in a way that I was trying to get her into bed as quick as possible, that sort of thing. [16:58.7]

All of those techniques, all the strategies that worked definitely for the majority of impressionable attractive young women and for narcissistic party girls or narcissistic attention-addicted type of social-validation seeking narcissists, I just stopped doing that, because, otherwise, that’s what you’ll attract. Right?

I had to unlearn a whole lot, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong per se, because there’s a lot of ways to do it, like a pink elephant, for instance, so that it’s not manipulative and you’re just doing it because it’s fun or it’s funny, but it’s even better to just not go for it, if you can. When you’re in the process of unlearning habits that are getting in the way, it’s best if you just don’t even do them at all, and that meant that there were long periods when–

Then I discovered in the silence of my mind, because I was wasn’t filling it with parties and dates, and hookups and women, and even friends, and being by myself and the blessing of that, I was able to discover and grapple with the more existential questions that were the most important, like, “What’s the meaning of life, and what is love?” [18:12.4]

That’s when I discovered the whole point of why should I even stay around on this planet, given that I’d experienced all that I’d already wanted to and everything was just meaningless and empty, including all the things that so many guys asked my advice on so that they can go and experience, so that they were hoping that they devote whatever period of time to mastering this, and then they’ll finally experience all this pleasure.

I’m telling them, now, finally, this is all meaningless and empty, but I know you don’t understand that yet, and, unfortunately, maybe you’ll have to be like me and go through it, only to discover it at the end. I know I have those listeners who already understand this theoretically, even though they haven’t gone through that phase, and I think that’s a good thing. [18:57.3]

But for those who have gone through the phase who have tried to follow some of the short-term advice that works certainly on immature or what we used to call in pickup days “LSE girls”, low self-esteem women, which is the majority of women, just as low self-esteem men are the majority of men, so you’re getting a really skewed sample because you’re thinking—and this is what happened to red pill in MGTOW—all women are this way, no, no, no, the women that will put up with you and talk with you are that way, because if she was a mature woman, she would run for the hills.

She would just not give you the time of day. You wouldn’t even notice when she rejected you, because she wouldn’t talk to you. She might shake your hand and be polite if you happened to be her brother’s friend or cousin or whatever, cousin’s friend or something like that, but she wouldn’t invest much time and effort in you, unless, for whatever reasons, she could see through your facade and see that you had a heart of gold. Maybe several over the period of several years that did that for me, and looking back on that, it was sort of a blessing for me, but I didn’t appreciate it at the time. [20:00.0]

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Okay, so beware that most of the dating advice that trends on the internet, on YouTube, especially. This is where a lot of our– Gen Z and millennials, a lot of men, spend the most time on YouTube. This is based on the research that I found, so I’m focusing on that. [20:56.6]

Also, by the way, if you have any content or channels that you really like and have been following and want my advice on, try to pick out about 30 minutes or so of that content. I do not have the time to go through hundreds of hours of content. If they show up on these types of searches where I’m just looking for the most popular stuff, eventually, I might. If this works, I might comment on it, because I would like to know, because there are so many big differences.

I’m Generation X and we are really old now. Any kind of like, I’m going to keep up with the youngsters, so to speak, as all of you single guys, how can I help you? What’s your world like? Even this world of dating apps is completely different in many ways. It’s not very different once you meet in person, but to get the meetup, the in-person meetup, it’s quite different in the way it feels. Most of my life and my days now are with the wife and the one-year-old, and having a one-year-old, especially a very energetic feisty boy is a lot or a whole different set of challenges. [22:03.1]

As I was saying, I went through, as I said at the beginning now, with framing it for why it’s important, finally getting to this piece of content, the first thing that came up was a YouTube reel. The reel itself is just 49 seconds. This is actually on a channel that does compilation of clips, but this is from some kind of content that Andrew Tate made and here he’s talking about how he dated a Bollywood star with 3 million followers and they hooked up.

He actually mentions her name on this video, not very classy at all, and how she sent him a text that said, “Based on your Instagram profile, I can tell you are a player and I don’t want anything to do with you,” and he did the player move, which was not to respond, because he knows actually he’s got her. I don’t know, a lot of you guys don’t understand this, but the more time and effort a woman puts into you, the more she will be attracted to you. This is part of the cost-worth connection and I’ve done a lot of teaching on this in my dating courses, Invincible and Limitless. [23:09.6]

So, it’s important for you to recognize it for yourself to not get into that “do more” trap, right? The more time and effort you invest into something, the more you value it. If she really was like, Okay, I made a mistake with this guy, and that’s already a big red flag that she couldn’t tell before when she met him in person, so she’s not a very good judge of character. But then she goes on Instagram and says this, and the fact that she’d go and tell him about it obviously means she’s actually really into him, and what she’s communicating is that “I’m onto you now and the game is afoot,” because if she really was turned off, she just wouldn’t bother responding and she’d just not even bother thinking about this guy again.

It’s like a fish when they take the bait and now they’re biting, and you feel that resistance. This is that resistance from her, but she’s taking the bait. She’s hooked now, and he knows this, so he withdraws. Basically, he just doesn’t reply and then she feels that lack like, Oh, my God, I just told him off and he didn’t do anything? [24:02.6]

Then he is busy touring India with his brother, so he just stays busy. He says he posted a bunch of Instagram stories or whatever and she can see that he’s out partying with his brother and having a great time not even thinking about her, and then she gets increasingly more desperate with her texts. Text bombs him eventually, but she’s the needy one here, and he’s like, I didn’t reply, because then if I replied, then I would be all the other Indian guys that she gets chasing her and the power dynamics would shift and then she would lose attraction.

That’s how this is the norm, right? This is the normal type of dating advice that you get and this is the advice that you get from a player, and so it actually worked on her and what this tells me is, oh, poor girl, she lacks a sense of self-worth. I can tell a lot about her level of maturity by what she’s attracted to, and what she chases and pursues, and what she responds to, and here we go. These are basically two people who are of about the same maturity level and it seems like Andrew Tate doesn’t want a relationship and he’s happy being single, I assume, based on what he’s putting out there. [25:08.8]

He’s still relatively young, so, hey, enjoy your player phase, but I’ll tell you, if this is internalized, as it obviously is for Andrew Tate, he’s taken on this character and it’s this kind of persona, parts of him. These are legitimate parts of him that are overcompensating for whatever was going on in his insecurities and core neediness back then in his childhood that he’s putting out these fronts, and if he ever does want to settle down and have a successful relationship that lasts 50 years or whatever, he’s going to have to unlearn a shit ton of habits of thought and behavior and character. [25:47.5]

If you follow this advice by way that this is just standard pimp advice—there are actually books written by ex-pimps that give far more extreme advice than this, so this is sort of just a toned-down version of that and this is standard PUA advice. I know most guys have no clue what that is anymore because this only exists on old school e-books and video courses that have completely disappeared—and if you internalize this, it’s going to make it that much harder for you to actually be able to spot the type of woman who would be successful in a long-term relationship, because if you’re the type of guy who’s doing this, they’ll be able to see it just by even the way you talk, the words that you choose, the phrases that you use normally, and even in your sub-communications, your facial expressions, your vocal tonality, the way you react to things that she says, and the more mature she is, the quicker she’ll be able to notice this.

Now, here’s the big difference in the asymmetry that explains why optimizing for short-term dating is so different from optimizing for a long-term relationship with one woman. The asymmetry is this. You’re judging whether you are successful in short-term mating by how many short-term mating opportunities you get. This is quantity. [27:06.6]

When it comes to a long-term relationship, you’re definitely not optimizing for quantity. It only takes one and you are hyper-optimizing for one. That is, if you can get the one that you’re going to be investing as a life partner in for whatever 50-plus years, the thing to do is to optimize for that one person, not to optimize for millions of people. You want the one that will be compatible with you for 50-something years, so the worst thing you could do is to put up a front. The worst thing you could do is to play games, to do things that are not in a natural, authentic expression of you or parts of you.

Now, when you’re actually not that great with the majority of women—you haven’t optimized your look, your sub-communications, your mindset, your lifestyle to attract the majority of women—this actually is helping you, because then you have a lot fewer women to filter out to get the one for their relationship. Then it becomes helpful for you to just be more of you. [28:11.2]

Of course, you have to do that unashamedly, and so many of these nice guys have so much toxic shame that they’re living with, parts of themselves that they’re ashamed of, and so that’s why the therapeutic process is the most beneficial process for them. Far better than following any kind of dating advice, which only works in the short term, and even then is superficial, even if it works in the long term, just superficial.

Get to the root through the therapeutic process of the toxic shame and the core neediness, and the core insecurities and so forth. You don’t actually even have to get a fashion makeover, though that would probably give you a boost of confidence and increase the pool from which you may choose from.

Now, here’s the problem with the guys who are really good at the game. Now they can’t tell whether she’s responding to being attracted by the game he’s spitting or the game he’s performing through his learned pickup or dating-optimized or attraction-optimized behavior and word patterns, and so forth, and lifestyle and all that, if she’s being attracted to that. [29:09.8]

There’s a similar problem with rich guys. It’s hard for them now to tell whether she’s a gold digger, because now you don’t know where the attraction is, what she’s being attracted to, versus if you are just you, more of you, authentically you and all of you, and you begin gradually to expose her to more and more of the different parts of you and see whether she can handle it, whether she likes them, whether she likes your various parts and loves you at your core. Anything that gets in the way of that, pretty much this is the oxymoron, right?

You think you are unattractive to the majority of women, and as a result, you optimize how you are for the majority of women, and then you turn around and you want to find the one, just one out of 8 billion people to spend the rest of your life with? You have optimized for the wrong metric. [30:01.7]

What you should be investing your time in is a therapeutic process so that you can get to the toxic shame that you’re carrying that keeps you from putting the various parts of you out there to tell whether she likes them or not, and how she will respond to them, and being able to meet their needs and for them to feel safe, because you’ll be protecting them, and so forth. Now we move to the therapeutic cross and that’s a whole other series of podcast episodes to break down and I’m, again, writing a book that will chart all of those out.

But here also, in that search for the top dating advice that trends, is another Andrew Tate video and here this is also a reel and this is 44 seconds, and here, in this video, women have basically no idea what men find attractive. He says that men don’t like women who dance in the clubs, who get up on a platform with 5,000 people watching, this must be a mega club, and dancing, having the time of their life, so to speak. In fact, let me see if I can just read out what he actually says here so that you get it from him, his words. [31:14.8]

Okay, I started out reading it out loud, but I was stumbling because these aren’t my words and they feel very fake for me to read them out. How about I try to play this video into the mic and see how it goes so that you hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. Okay, so he says, “Let’s start with the basics.”

“[Let’s start with the] basics. Stop dancing in clubs. You think it looks sexy. It ain’t sexy. We don’t want to see you twerking. We don’t want to see you dancing. Men don’t like those outlandish women. You’ve been out there on the dance floor in front of 5,000 men, overconfident, shaking your ass. It’s not the kind of thing a man wants to see. We don’t want to see that. The more confident you are in those scenarios, the least attractive we are to you.

“Now, I know you may be sitting there going, ‘No, but when I dance, guys like me.’ They want to bang you, cool, but they don’t like you as a person. As a person, deep inside, they want the girl in the corner who says, ‘I don’t want to be dancing in front of all these men like that.’” [32:06.8]

Okay, so what you’re actually hearing here is Andrew Tate showing his sexual shame. He’s sexually shaming women who enjoy dancing and who enjoy dancing in a nightclub, and who enjoy in their femininity, as part of the feminine energy, letting loose, and sometimes that means that other men will see them dancing.

Now, of course, there are some women who dance to be seen and only to be seen. That is, they wouldn’t dance if nobody were watching. But there are plenty of women, and I know plenty of women, who enjoy dancing on the stage because they’re actually safer, because if a man jumped on stage and tried to grope her, or something along those lines, the bouncers would be on that guy in a second and throw that guy out. If it’s “You can look, but you can’t touch,” it’s actually a safer scenario than for a woman to be on a dance floor dancing. [33:03.2]

Now, what’s interesting is that Andrew Tate is acknowledging “I’d want to bang that girl,” and so part of what’s happening here is his own judgmentalism, sexual judgmentalism, is displaying what’s going on inside Andrew Tate’s system. He has parts that are sexual that will want to go and bang the women, that are going for power, and this is very common in professional fighters. They have a part of them that are basically killers, and they have to call on that part, because when they get into the ring, it is defend yourself at all times. You could actually die if the ref doesn’t step in quick enough. This is a scenario where it’s actually really dangerous and you’ve got to tap into that. If you don’t, if you go in there with, I don’t know, your cuddly teddy bear self and wanting to hug it out, the fight will not go well for you. That’s the same when it comes to players. There’s a kind of lack of empathy that actually helps players rack up numbers. [33:57.7]

What we’re seeing here is, obviously, Andrew Tate actually is having casual sex, like banging lots of hot girls, quote-unquote, so that’s happening for him, and then you see that when he wants to settle down with a wife, he’s going to control the thing that he’s attracted to. He might then go like a religious conservative might and find some woman who’s completely covered up, completely in the corner and isn’t sexual at all.

He’s actually not going to be very turned on by her. He’s just doing that because it’s a safe option and his sexual judgmentalism is activated there. But he won’t desire her sexually, because there’s not going to be that sexual chemistry that he has with the more wild women, which match his killer parts, the player parts, the wild parts in him, which he judges or parts of him judge. So, he’s got this sort of Jekyll and Hyde that is going on in inner conflict within. This is, again, common, so I’m not just calling him out, except the fact that he made this content, which is trending where he is displaying it. This is one of the most common scenarios when a player finally wants to settle down. [35:03.8]

This happened to me with an ex that I tried to settle down with for years. You’re picking this woman that you find sexually attractive, but then you find her sexually attractive because she’s sexy and she’s attractive. It’s your player persona, right? And all the good girls don’t excite you. They’re boring.

But then you want to turn the wild girl into a good girl, so now you end up where the very things that attracted you to her in the first place that you find sexy that are a turn on, now you’re going to control and dampen down, because now the parts of you that are saying, “Oh, no, no, no, this is a long-term relationship,” now we want a conservative girl who covers up her body and doesn’t let other men see it, even though you clearly, you, Andrew Tate and other players are clearly checking out. You’re checking out these girls. You’re seeing it, right?

But now, because you are now on the other side of this sexual shame continuum, and this is why societies that are religiously conservative are one of the easiest to actually attract and seduce women, because there’s generally so much sexual repression that sexual energy has to go somewhere, but it’s not socially acceptable. [36:13.4]

So, it only can happen in very limited types of venues and environments where they completely let loose, because they can’t release any of that sexual energy throughout the day. It’s all pent up and they hold it down, hold it down, hold it down, until on the one day on the weekend or something where they finally get the girls’ night out once a month and they just go totally, just when it gets released.

It’s all pent up, and so there’s so much sexual energy because of the sexual repression, and you can see how much of that sexual shame and judgmentalism is there. You know what’s happening when Andrew Tate is sitting there at Fresh & Fit, the scenario I saw for last week’s episode. All of those women around that table, like the ring girl and so forth, he’s judging the crap out of them. He’s thinking, Man, you guys are sluts. You are not fit for a long-term relationship to be my wife, because I would go and find the most conservative woman who would be covered head to toe in a burka and sitting in the corner, because that’s the one that I can trust. But then that won’t excite him. [37:15.3]

The very parts of our mates or partners that attracted us to them, the very parts of them that we were initially attracted to because of our own sexual shame, two years into the relationship, three years, or maybe even three to six months into the relationship, we will then have to disown, exile, cut off, press down, repress in them to change them.

The white nurse, so to speak, does this to the bad boy. She’s attracted to the bad boy, and then when she gets him, she tries to change him into a good boy. You’ve seen that, and then the other dynamic is the guy who actually has a lot of sexual shame and judging even his own behavior, really, his own parts that were out there as the party guy or the killer, or the player or whatever, as judging himself. [38:05.3]

Now that he’s moving into long-term relationship mode, he’s going to take that woman and try to change her into a more socially-acceptable, safe woman, and he’s doing the same thing as the woman who’s trying to change the bad boy into a good boy. You’ve got this bad girl and you try to change her to a good girl, or what’ll happen is he’ll go and find a good girl and then just not be that excited by her, and then three to five years later, he’ll be cheating on her and he’ll have these sexy mistresses or he’ll go to the brothels.

This is very common. He marries the good girl, just like the girls marry the beta, right? That’s the fear, the great fear of these men, these red pill. She will marry the beta. This player guy will marry the good girl and then get some strange on the side, get that wild sexual energy that really turns him on the side. [38:56.2]

All of this is a result of the lack of psychological integration of his parts and the lack of working through the therapeutic process, and this is the great danger of following the dating advice that’s geared at optimizing short-term mating opportunities and being put out there by immature men.

I am not meaning to pick on Andrew Tate as an individual. I’ve gone through the same journey and have learned these lessons the hard way. I’m hoping now in the next episode, maybe I will stick with the outline and I plan to chart out for you how to be attractive naturally, how to access the naturally attractive parts in you.

Come back to the next episode for that, and if this helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think would benefit from it. Let me know what you think. Comment, write to me. I’d love to hear from you, and hit a like on any platform you’re seeing this on or listening to this, too.I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. David Tian, signing out. [39:59.3]