How to Master Your Emotions So They Work for You, Not Against You | (#122) The Masculine Psychology Podcast with David Tian

Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.

David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I’m David Tian, your host. By the end of this episode, you’ll be on your way to mastering your emotions, ensuring they work for you and not against you. That’s a transformation that has the power to change everything about how you experience life.

Why is this so crucial? Every goal we set, every task we undertake, every relationship we nurture, at its core, what drives us in life, is the desire to feel a certain way. Whether it’s the exhilaration of success, the warmth of connection, or the thrill of adventure, we chase experiences and pursue accomplishments primarily for the emotions that we hope they will bring, the feelings they promise. [01:05.8]

But here’s the challenge: if we don’t know how to navigate and regulate these emotions, they can end up steering us instead. And the results? We might find ourselves moving away from the very feelings that we desire, ending up lost or unsatisfied in life.

Let’s use an analogy here. Imagine setting out on a journey toward a beautiful island. That island represents all of the positive emotions and experiences that we want in life, consciously or unconsciously, love, significance, fun, contribution. Now, if you don’t know how to sail, the ocean’s unpredictable waves and currents can easily throw us off course, but if you’ve mastered sailing, you can harness the power of the sea and wind to reach your destination faster and with more certainty. Similarly, if we master our emotions, we become the skilled sailor, ensuring our feelings propel us toward the life we desire, rather than drifting aimlessly, or even worse, sinking amidst life’s challenges. [02:10.5]

A common mistake many people make lies in how they relate to their emotions. Many people believe that to avoid negative feelings, they must repress them, push them deep down and lock them away. But this approach is like a ticking time bomb. Repressing emotions doesn’t make them actually disappear. Instead, they just go under the surface beneath our awareness, and there they accumulate pressure and can unexpectedly burst forth, often in destructive waves, sabotaging us when we least expect it.

On the flip side, some assume the antidote to repression is to simply express every emotion without filter, but unrestrained expression can lead to its own set of problems from strained relationships to poor decisions, and this is where emotion regulation comes in. [03:02.8]

Emotional regulation isn’t about masking or denying feelings. It’s about understanding them, giving them the space they need, and choosing how and when to express them for our benefit and the benefit of those around us. It’s the balance between repression and unrestrained expression, and it’s the key to taking charge of our emotional lives.

Now, let’s debunk a common myth in dealing with our emotions. Many people think that if we’re not repressing our emotions, then we must swing to the other extreme and express every single emotion that comes up, unfiltered and raw. But here’s the reality: unbridled, self-expression isn’t the golden ticket to emotional mastery either.

Imagine for a moment, if we acted on every impulse, expressed every fleeting feeling, what kind of chaos would ensue in our lives and in our relationships. It’s not hard to see how this could lead to destructive patterns, strange relationships, and a lack of personal accountability. Expressing anger or frustration or sadness, whenever we feel it in the heat of the moment, might provide you some kind of temporary sense of relief, but it can escalate situations easily and create lasting damage, as well as blocking us from actually experiencing fulfillments or love or happiness in the long term. [04:22.8]

So, where do we strike the balance? It’s not about stifling our emotions or letting them all hang out. It’s about understanding our emotions, giving ourselves the space to feel them, and then choosing how we want to respond. This is the essence of emotional regulation. It’s about being conscious and intentional with our emotions, rather than being at the mercy of them.

Let’s talk about anger, for instance. Feeling anger obviously isn’t inherently bad. Actually, it may not be obvious to you, but feeling anger isn’t intrinsically bad. It’s a natural response to perceived threats or injustice. However, the key lies in how we manage and express this anger. [05:07.8]

Unbridled self-expression might lead us to lash out, say things we don’t mean and will regret later, or even become aggressive. On the flip side, repression might cause this anger to fester, leading to resentment down the road, or passive-aggressive behavior down the line. Instead of being stuck in these extremes, what if we took a moment to pause, to understand why we’re feeling angry, and then decide the best course of action.

Maybe it’s having a calm, assertive conversation about what’s bothering us, or perhaps it’s channeling that anger into a more productive activity. This would be emotional regulation in action. It’s thoughtful, it’s intentional, and it’s empowering, and this applies not just to anger, but to all of our emotions, joy, sadness, fear, excitement. They’re all valid emotions that provide valuable information about our experience of the world. The skill comes in not letting those emotions dictate our actions, but rather using them as tools to better understand ourselves and more consciously navigate our lives. [06:14.3]

Let’s move past the myth that the opposite of repression is simply unfiltered expression. Let’s embrace instead a more nuanced approach, a more sophisticated approach, where we honor our emotions, but also take responsibility for how we express and act on them.

Now, let’s hone in on the key differences between repression and emotion regulation. These terms often get thrown around, but they refer to vastly different processes in how we handle our emotions. Let’s start with repression. It’s crucial to understand that repression is an unconscious defense mechanism. When we do this consciously we call it suppression. When we suppress long enough or often enough, it becomes an unconscious thing, and then it becomes repression, which is much more difficult to uproot. [07:04.1]

Okay, so when we repress emotions, our minds are essentially pushing away unpleasant memories, thoughts or desires, keeping them out of our conscious awareness. It’s like sweeping the dirt under the rug. It might look clean on the surface, but the mess is still there hidden away. Repression might provide some kind of temporary relief, but over time, these repressed emotions can resurface, often in unexpected and potentially harmful ways. It’s like any other toxic poison that eats away at you under the surface over time.

On the other hand, emotion regulation is a conscious, intentional process. It involves recognizing and understanding our emotions, and then choosing how we want to respond to them. It’s not about pushing them away, or letting them explode. It’s about navigating them in a healthy, constructive manner. [07:56.8]

Here’s an example. Imagine you’re feeling incredibly frustrated at work. If you’re repressing this emotion, you might push it down and pretend it’s not there, maybe even convince yourself that everything’s fine. But this frustration doesn’t just disappear completely. It stays with you, bubbling under the surface waiting to explode.

Now, let’s look at emotion regulation. You feel the same frustration, but instead of pushing it away, you acknowledge it. You take a moment to understand why you’re feeling this way and explore what needs might not be getting met. Perhaps you need more support or maybe there’s a miscommunication that needs clearing up.

Once you’ve understood the emotion, you can decide on the best course of action, whether that’s having a difficult conversation with your boss, seeking support from a colleague, a therapist or coach, or finding a way to manage your workload better. In this process, you’re not just reacting to your emotions. You’re responding to them thoughtfully and intentionally. You’re in control, navigating your emotional world with clarity and purpose. [09:01.5]

Repression and emotion regulation are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Repression is about avoidance and denial while emotion regulation is about awareness and intentional action. Mastering our emotions doesn’t mean we won’t ever feel difficult or painful emotions. It means we’ll have the skills and awareness to navigate them in a way that serves us in our wellbeing.

When we repress emotions, we might think we’re keeping the peace or maintaining control, but in reality, we’re setting ourselves up for a range of potential pitfalls. Repression might provide a temporary escape, but it doesn’t erase the emotion. Instead, it pushes the emotion into the shadows of our minds, where it continues to influence our thoughts, feelings and behaviors, often without our conscious awareness, which makes it even more difficult to notice them and do anything about them. [09:55.3]

One significant drawback to repression is its tendency to increase anxiety. The repressed emotions don’t just disappear. They build up over time, creating an undercurrent of unease and apprehension. Think of it like a pressure cooker. You can keep the lid on tight for a while, but, eventually, the pressure builds up to a point where it needs to release, and when it does, it might not be pretty.

Depression is another potential consequence of chronic repression. By consistently pushing away our emotions, we might start to feel disconnected from ourselves in our experiences. Life might start to feel flat, colorless and devoid of meaning. We might lose touch with what brings us joy, passion and fulfillment, leading to a pervasive sense of sadness or emptiness.

The impact of repression extends beyond our internal world. It affects our relationships with others as well. When we’re in the habit of repressing emotions, we would struggle to connect with others on a deeper and more authentic level. Our loved ones might sense that we’re holding back or not fully present, creating distance and misunderstanding. [11:04.7]

Further repressed emotions can sometimes leak out in unintended ways like irritability, impatience, or passive-aggressive behavior, straining our relationships even further. If you’re someone who snaps at others or lashes out at others, this might be because of repression.

Let’s look at an example. Imagine a man who consistently represses his feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection. On the surface, he might appear confident and unflappable, but underneath, these repressed emotions are driving his behaviors. In his relationships, he might become overly defensive, interpret constructive criticism as a personal attack, or avoid vulnerability at all costs.

Over time, this pattern can erode trust and intimacy, leaving him feeling even more isolated and misunderstood. In fact, if you find yourself often saying, “What’s the point? They don’t understand,” or “You’d never understand,” and you keep feeling and hearing yourself saying this, it might be because you’re emotionally repressed and that’s making it very difficult for you to connect with others authentically. [12:09.3]

So, it becomes clear that repression is not a sustainable or healthy strategy for dealing with emotions. It might provide a temporary escape, but the long-term costs to our mental health and relationships are too high to ignore. The good news is there are healthier, more adaptive strategies for emotion regulation, and we’ll get to those very shortly.

But, first, let’s turn our attention to some specific, maladaptive mechanisms of repression that achievers often deploy, sometimes unconsciously, especially in interpersonal situations. These strategies might provide a temporary shield from vulnerability, but they come at a high cost to genuine connection and self-understanding.

Here’s the first example, talking too much. Some people, when faced with uncomfortable emotions or situations, they might respond by trying to dominate the conversation. They fill every silence, share endless anecdotes, or offer a relentless stream of advice. While this might create a temporary barrier against being vulnerable, it also prevents genuine connection. [13:13.8]

Another common example is the habit of joking around constantly. Humor can serve as a powerful tool for defusing tension and fostering connection. However, when you use humor excessively or inappropriately, or at the wrong times, it then becomes a defense mechanism. By making light of every situation, you end up avoiding engaging with your emotions or the emotions of others, creating distance and sometimes discomfort in interactions.

Focusing on work or status offers another common escape route. High achievers, in particular, might pour themselves into their careers or obsess over their status as a way to sidestep emotional vulnerability. They derive their sense of self-worth from their achievements, neglecting their emotional wellbeing in the process. While they might attain professional success, they risk neglecting their relationships and emotional wellbeing. [14:09.0]

Each of these mechanisms serves as a shield, protecting people from the discomfort of vulnerability, but they also act as barriers. Preventing authentic connections and self-awareness. As we navigate our interpersonal interactions, it’s crucial to recognize when we’re falling back on these defenses, and to challenge ourselves to engage more openly and authentically with our emotions, and then, in turn, with others.

Okay, so having understood the pitfalls of repression and the barriers that we unintentionally set up, let’s now pivot to the brighter side, the realm of healthy emotional regulation.

No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It’s why they can’t give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It’s why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.

Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.

Learn more about this transformational program by going to DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery.

That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Emotions are a natural part of the human experience and it’s not about stifling them. But instead, it’s rather about learning how to navigate and express them in a way that benefits both us and those around us. I’m going to mention just a few techniques that we can use, especially drawing from cognitive therapy, to help us get a hold of our emotions and be able to better regulate them. I go into much more detail on each of these and give a lot more techniques and strategies and methods in my program, Emotional Mastery. [16:16.8]

Okay, here’s the first one I can share with you briefly, cognitive reappraisal. At its core, this technique involves changing the way you think about a situation to change how you feel about it. For instance, if you’re feeling nervous about a presentation, instead of thinking, “I’m going to fail,” you might then shift your perspective to “This is an opportunity for me to grow and share my knowledge.” By reframing the situation, you adjust your emotional response, turning apprehension into anticipation.

Problem-solving takes a proactive approach to emotions, so this is another example, problem-solving. Let’s say you’re feeling stressed because of a mounting workload. Instead of getting consumed by the emotion, you’d address the root cause. This might involve breaking the bigger task into smaller steps, setting priorities, or even seeking help. By directly addressing the problem, you alleviate the emotion attached to it. [17:13.8]

Okay, here’s another one, mindfulness, and this is a term that’s gained significant traction in recent years. Mindfulness is all about being present. In fact, I prefer that term instead, “present.” It’s the practice of observing our emotions without judgment as they arise. Instead of getting swept up in an emotional storm, you anchor yourself in the present moment, recognizing your emotions and letting them pass without letting them dictate your actions. It’s akin to watching clouds passing by in the sky. They come and go, but you remain grounded. You are not just your emotions, and your actions are not determined by your emotions. [17:55.1]

Next is emotional awareness and this complements mindfulness perfectly. It’s about recognizing and naming your emotions. Sometimes just the act of identifying what you’re feeling can diminish the intensity of the emotion. It’s the difference between a vague sense of unease and recognizing, “I’m feeling anxious because of that meeting tomorrow, and the reason why the meeting tomorrow is making me anxious is because of X, Y and Z fear,” and so on.

Naming the emotion instead of just vague unease, naming it as anxiety gives you power over it, offering clarity, and a starting point to address the underlying cause. These are just a few examples of a much bigger toolkit, and incorporating these strategies into your own emotional toolkit doesn’t mean that you’ll never face challenging emotions again, but it does mean you’ll be better equipped to handle them. By practicing cognitive reappraisal, you shift your perspective by problem-solving. You tackle emotions at their source. Mindfulness keeps you grounded, while emotional awareness offers clarity. [19:03.2]

Again, these are just a few examples and we’ve only had the time to scratch the surface with each of these, and in my program, Emotional Mastery, I go into much more detail on each of these, plus give many more on top of that. They’re just examples right now of how healthy emotional regulation paves the way for a more balanced emotional life, allowing us to connect more authentically with others and with ourselves. It’s about recognizing the waves of emotion, learning to serve them better with skill, and emerging on the other side with greater insight and resilience. Embrace these strategies and you’re taking a proactive step towards mastering your emotions.

Now let’s extend this even further into another crucial aspect of emotional mastery, how to express our emotions to others effectively. This is a skill that I like to call interpersonal influence, or just influence. It’s essential to understand that the strategies that we employ to regulate our own emotions can differ significantly from how and when we should express these emotions to others. [20:07.2]

Navigating emotional expression requires a nuanced approach, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Let’s take a scenario like in dating. Imagine you’ve had a rough day at work, and you’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed. You’ve decided to go on this date and you’re in this state of being stressed and overwhelmed, hoping to find some relief by sharing your troubles with the date.

Now, here’s where the distinction becomes really crucial. Regulating your emotions would involve finding ways to calm yourself down before the date, taking care of your own emotional needs and not requiring your date to meet your needs for you. However, if you choose to offload all your stress and painful emotions onto your date, you run the risk of creating a toxic dynamic. [20:53.2]

When you vomit your emotions onto someone else, especially in a dating context, it sends a strong signal of neediness. It shows that you’re relying on the other person to regulate your emotions for you, and let’s be clear, this is a massive turnoff, right, neediness? It not only burdens the other person, but it also violates their boundaries. No one wants to feel like they’re being used as an emotional dumping ground.

The first time I discovered this in a very personal way was when I was 17 and trying to get my first girlfriend to get back together with me. Her dumping me triggered all kinds of feelings of abandonment and rejection, and pain and hurt that were related to these inner-child parts of mine that I was completely unaware of unconscious of, and I went to her house and in the middle of the day, and right there in there foyer, let it all hang out. I devolved into this sort of snubbing mess with tears and mucus running down my face.

Looking back on it, of course, I was trying to get her to meet my needs for comfort and security, and to hear that we’re all okay again, but I didn’t know how to communicate all of this neediness and I didn’t know how to meet my own needs for security and significance and comfort. [22:02.4]

So, I just laid it all on to her and hoping, I suppose, to accept some kind of compassion, and through this compassion, I guess, the thought pattern unconsciously was “Then she’ll come back to me out of guilt or something,” and that would be something that I would have been totally okay with back then, I suppose.

Instead, I just laid it all out there as a sort of sniffling, needy teenager trying to make a bid for connections in hopes of her meeting my needs for me, and I can’t remember the exact way she responded, but maybe it was like an “Uh, okay, we can talk about this later,” trying to get me out of her house, and then maybe a hug and then she said something like, “Hey, could you drive my little brother to school,” and I did that, and the whole drive back with this little brother, who was maybe three years or two years younger, I could feel his total disrespect of me because he witnessed that whole thing, and I have then since learned better. [22:54.1]

Actually, it might have taken a couple more unsuccessful attempts at this over the next several months, but then I finally did learn that this laying out your neediness and onto somebody else in the hopes of them feeling sorry for you does not generate attraction and will not lead to the result I’m hoping for. But I didn’t discover what to do instead until almost 20 years later, and so I’m sharing that with you now and in this podcast.

What is the thing that I should have done? Obviously, it was to learn how to meet my own emotional needs myself as my true self, and in IFS terms, there’s a great phrase that Richard Schwartz turned into the title of a book, which I highly recommend to everyone, that “you are the one you’ve been waiting for.”

If you were in a similar situation and were hearing me describe my situation back when I was 17, and you were thinking instead, What should I do to get her? then you are already needy, except you’re probably not even aware of it because of your repression. You’re actually farther from a breakthrough than the guy who was wearing his heart on his sleeve, which in this example was me, because at least I know that I am needy. Instead of asking the question, “What should I do to get her?” you should be asking the question, “What emotional needs am I attempting to meet by getting her? And how can I meet those emotional needs myself as my true self?” [24:16.8]

Remember healthy personal boundaries, healthy psychological boundaries are when you take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and you do not take responsibility for the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of other adults. In other words, you’ve got to take responsibility for meeting your own emotional needs.

When you feel like you want to express or need to express some vulnerable emotions, start by checking in with yourself before sharing. Ask yourself, “Is this the right time to discuss this? Am I simply looking to share what’s going on inside me so that the other person can understand if they want to, or am I trying to offload my emotions? Am I trying to vomit them out?” By being mindful of your intentions, you ensure that you’re not unintentionally manipulating the situation or violating the other person’s boundaries with your emotions, trying to make them responsible for how you feel or making them responsible for making you feel a certain way. [25:15.6]

It’s crucial to practice vulnerability in a balanced way. Being vulnerable doesn’t mean sharing every single emotion as it arises. I’ve devoted an entire other episode to this very point, how so many people weaponize their vulnerability to manipulate others. Don’t do that. Being vulnerable in a healthy way means sharing your true self, including your emotions, in a way that fosters connection and understanding, rather than creating a burden for the other person.

Mastering the art of interpersonal influence is about expressing your emotions in a way that respects both your needs and the boundaries of others. It’s a dance of vulnerability, mindfulness and consideration, leading to healthier and more authentic connections. Remember, emotional mastery isn’t just about managing your own emotions. It’s also about expressing them in a way that enhances rather than hinders your relationships and interpersonal interactions. [26:10.1]

Okay, let’s now shift gears and focus on some practical solutions to truly master your emotions. These strategies will not only enhance your inner resilience, but also transform how you relate to and influence others. I’m going to share four emotional-mastery skills—and I go into all four of these in much more detail and walk you through, guide you step by step in how to master them in my program, Emotional Mastery, so I’ll give you a kind of high-level overview of these four skills.

First, let’s talk about presence, which is closely connected to what many people refer to as mindfulness. This is the practice of staying grounded and fully engaged in the present moment. It’s about observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment, creating space between stimulus and response. Cultivating presence enables you to respond thoughtfully to situations rather than reacting impulsively. You can start small perhaps with a daily meditation practice or simply by paying full attention to your surroundings and sensations in everyday activities. [27:10.4]

Next up, we have emotion endurance. This involves building resilience to effectively navigate through intense emotional experiences without becoming overwhelmed or flooded by them. It’s about accepting and writing out your emotions, rather than avoiding or suppressing them. Techniques such as deep breathing, visualizations, or grounding exercises can be immensely helpful in enhancing your emotion endurance.

Okay, following that, we’ve got emotion titration, and this is like regulation. It’s the process of adjusting the intensity of your emotions to appropriate levels. Just as a chemist titrates a solution to the precise concentration, you can learn to calibrate your emotions to the right intensity for the situation at hand. This might involve reframing your thoughts, engaging in problem solving, or finding better ways to soothe yourself. It’s all about finding that sweet spot where your emotions are neither too intense, nor too muted, but just right. [28:10.0]

Finally, influence encompasses the interpersonal skills necessary for healthy effective communication and relationship-building. It’s about expressing your emotions in ways that are congruent with your values or are respectful of others’ boundaries and conducive to building strong supportive connections. This means learning to communicate assertively, listening actively and navigating conflicts constructively. It’s about building a foundation of trust and respect into relationships, so that when you do express your emotions, it fosters connection rather than creating distance.

By honing these four skills—presence, emotion endurance, emotion titration, and influence—you equip yourself with a powerful toolkit for emotional mastery. It’s about more than just managing your emotions. It’s about transforming them into a force for positive change in your life and the lives of those around you. [29:05.7]

Remember, mastering your emotions is a journey, not a destination. It requires practice, patience and perseverance. But the rewards, a life of resilience, authenticity, deep, meaningful connections, love, joy, fulfillment, happiness, are well worth the effort.

Okay, let’s take a moment to revisit the key insights from our episode today. We started by debunking a common myth, the notion that the antidote to emotional repression would be unbridled self-expression. Okay, we explored the nuances between repression and healthy emotional regulation, underscoring that these are, in fact, two distinct concepts.

Repression involves unconsciously pushing away unpleasant thoughts, feelings or desires, which can lead to a host of negative outcomes from increased anxiety and depression to strained relationships. We delved into how achievers often resort to maladaptive mechanisms, like with excessive talking or humor, or immersing themselves and losing themselves in work or playing the status game, all in an attempt to shield themselves from real vulnerability. [30:09.7]

We then transition to discussing healthier alternatives, including strategies like presence, emotion endurance, emotion titration, and influence. These are the cornerstones of emotional mastery, providing you with a robust toolkit to navigate your emotional world more effectively and build meaningful connections with others and with yourself.

Now, let’s take a moment to consider the long-term implications of poor emotional regulation. If left unaddressed, it can lead to a perpetual cycle of emotional turmoil, impacting not just your mental wellbeing, but also your physical health, your relationships, your professional life. The cost of ignoring this aspect of your life is simply too high, and the longer you wait, the harder it becomes to break free from these patterns. [30:54.6]

On the flip side, imagine a life where you’ve honed your skills and emotional mastery to a high level. Picture yourself navigating life’s ups and downs with grace and resilience, maintaining a sense of balance, even in the face of adversity. Imagine building relationships that are deep, authentic and supportive, where you can express yourself fully, while also respecting and valuing the emotional boundaries of others. In this scenario, you’re not just surviving, you’re thriving. You’re living a life filled with purpose, connection, and genuine lasting happiness.

The road to emotional mastery is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s a journey worth embarking on. It’s a journey that transforms not just how you feel on the inside, but also how you connect and relate to others around you. So, I challenge you to take the first step today. You can start small, practice consistently, and be patient with yourself. Remember, mastery is a process and every step you take brings you closer to a life of emotional balance, resilience and profound connection. [31:56.7]

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think would benefit from it. Hit a like or subscribe on whatever platform you’re at, and let me know what you thought. Leave me a comment or send me a message. I’d love to get feedback—and I forgot to mention, this entire episode was inspired by an email from a listener who was confused about repression and emotional regulation, so hey, send me your thoughts and maybe I’ll turn your question into an episode as well.

Until next time, David Tian, signing out.

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