The Root Cause of Most Dating & Relationship Challenges (Hint: It’s Deeper Than You Think) | (#134) The Masculine Psychology Podcast with David Tian

Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here’s your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.

David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I’m David Tian, your host. In this episode, we’re going to be tackling something that’s been a thorn in the side for many people. We’re diving deep into the real problem underlying most dating and relationship issues. And guess what? It’s not about needing more advice or strategies or techniques. By the end of this episode, you’re going to understand why the root of most dating challenges isn’t about anything having to do with dating itself. It’s something much deeper, something more personal. [00:50.3]

If you keep relying on surface-level strategies to fix your dating or relationship problems, you’re setting yourself up for failure. It’s like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. It might cover it up for a bit, but it’s definitely not going to heal it. Worse yet, you’ll find yourself in this endless cycle of trying new quick fixes, leading to even more frustration, pain and wasted time and effort.

My friend, Mark Manson, puts it really well. He said, “Most people who struggle with dating don’t actually have a dating problem. They have a personal problem that’s manifesting in their dating and relationships.” We’re going to be going into more depth on exactly why in this episode. It’s not about the lines you use, the dating-app algorithms, or even how many dates you go on. It’s about what’s going on within you.

If you’re carrying around insecurities, unresolved, emotional baggage, or even just a lack of self-awareness, it’s going to show up in how you date and form and how you are in relationships. You might be attracting the wrong people or sabotaging potential good relationships, or even pushing away good matches, all because there’s something deeper that you haven’t addressed. [02:07.3]

Let’s use an example to illustrate. Meet Jack. He’s a good-looking, successful guy, but he can’t seem to hold down a relationship. He has tried all the strategies, read the books, attended the workshops, you name it, but nothing changes. Why? Because Jack’s issue isn’t his dating techniques. It’s his fear of vulnerability, stemming from a tough breakup years ago, which actually points back to unresolved issues from his childhood. Until he faces and works through that, he’s going to keep running into the same wall.

Or consider Sarah, who seems to always end up with partners who don’t treat her well. She has read all the advice about how to be more attractive and what to say on dates to meet guys like you, but the pattern continues. What’s the issue? Sara hasn’t yet realized that her low self-esteem is leading her to settle for less than she deserves and is actually unconsciously attracting her to men who won’t treat her well, because these parts with low self-worth, believe that that’s what she deserves. [03:10.6]

So, here’s the deal. The key to solving your dating and relationship problems isn’t another tip or trick or strategy. It’s in looking inward, understanding your own patterns, fears, beliefs. It’s about personal growth, self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and the therapeutic process. That’s the foundation. Without that, all the strategies in the world won’t help you find or maintain a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

It’s fascinating, but also a bit daunting, how much our inner world shapes our interactions and connections with others, so let’s unpack this. Picture this. You’ve got unresolved personal issues. Maybe it’s low self-esteem or some unresolved trauma, or a lack of self-awareness. These aren’t just hanging out in the back of your mind. They’re actively playing a role in how you engage with others, especially in your relationships. [04:06.6]

Okay, let’s bring this to life with a case study. Let’s take Mike. Mike is a guy with a lot going for him on the surface. He’s smart. He’s got a decent job. But when it comes to relationships, he’s always ending up with partners who, frankly, don’t treat him well.

Mike struggles with low self-worth. Deep down, he doesn’t think he’s worthy of being treated with respect and love. Every time Mike enters a new relationship, his choice of partner reflects this belief. He picks women who in some way reinforce this negative view that he has of himself. They might be dismissive of his feelings or maybe they don’t value his time. Each relationship ends leaving Mike feeling even worse about himself and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And it gets even worse. Mike isn’t aware that his low self-worth is driving his choice in partners. From his perspective, he’s just unlucky in love, or maybe he believes that this is what he deserves. But the truth is his internal issue, that low self-worth, is steering the ship of his relational life. [05:10.5]

This isn’t just about making poor choices in partners. It goes deeper. Mike’s relationships are reinforcing this very negative self-belief. Every time he’s in a relationship that isn’t healthy or respectful, it’s like adding another layer to his belief that he’s not worthy of better. It’s a cycle that keeps reinforcing itself.

Okay, but let’s not leave Mike hanging in there. What he needs and what anyone in his situation needs is to first recognize the pattern. This is where self-awareness really comes in. It’s about stepping back and looking at the bigger picture of your relationships, asking yourself, “Why am I consistently drawn to these kinds of partners? What beliefs about myself are influencing my choices?”

Once you start uncovering these patterns and beliefs, the next step is challenging and changing them. This could be through individual or group therapy, or other personal development work. It’s about building a healthier self-image, understanding that you are indeed worthy of respect and love. [06:13.3]

Okay, let’s paint a different picture for Mike. Imagine he starts working on his self-worth. He begins to recognize his value, his intrinsic value just for being. Slowly, his choices and partners change. He starts to seek out women who treat him with respect and love, and he believes that he deserves those. His relationships become more fulfilling, more supportive, and then it’s a complete turnaround.

This example isn’t just about Mike. It’s about all of us. We’ve all got our internal issues, whether it’s low self-worth, unresolved or unaddressed trauma, or something else. The key is to recognize how these are playing out in our relationships. Are they leading us to make choices that don’t serve us well? Are they keeping us stuck in a cycle of negative interactions or relationships? [07:01.7]

Remember, the journey of improving our relationships often starts from within. It’s about understanding ourselves, our patterns, and taking steps to address whatever internal issues we might have. This isn’t an overnight fix. It’s a process, a journey towards better understanding and loving ourselves, and as we do this inner work, our external relationships transform as well.

So, if you find yourself stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling relationships, take a moment to look inward. What might be driving your choices? What internal issues might you need to address? This introspection can be the start of a whole new chapter in your relational life.

Okay, let’s go a layer deeper into how our internal world, your emotions, your insecurities, your life perspective, directly mirrors how you date and the kinds of relationships you form. It’s like looking into a mirror, but instead of reflecting your physical appearance, it reflects your emotional state. [08:00.7]

Okay, let’s use an example to drive this home. Let’s take James. James is a guy in his late-20s, smart, ambitious, but when it comes to dating, he’s like a ship in a storm. Here’s the thing about James. He hasn’t quite dealt with his core insecurities. He’s always been a bit unsure about his worth in relationships. These insecurities, they’re not just idle thoughts. They’re actively shaping how he dates.

How does this play out for James? His insecurity leads him to constantly seek validation from his partners. He chooses partners who instead of providing a stable, loving connection, tend to be unpredictable and emotionally unavailable. Why? Because deep down, James believes that he needs to earn love, and each time his partner pulls away, it triggers this need to do more, to be more, just to keep them interested. [08:53.5]

Now, let’s look at the behaviors that this insecurity drives. James might text excessively, always seeking reassurance. He might overextend himself doing grand gestures, not out of real love, but out of a need to keep his partner’s attention. All this does is create a cycle of anxiety and dependency. Instead of a balanced, healthy relationship, James finds himself in a constant state of emotional turmoil.

It goes even deeper. James’s dating pattern isn’t just about the partners he chooses. It’s about how he perceives himself. His insecurity is like a lens coloring all his dating experiences. Every interaction, every relationship is seen through this distorted filter of “Am I good enough?”

What’s the way forward for James? It starts with recognizing that his dating life is a reflection of his internal psychology. He needs to address these core insecurities head on. This might mean individual or group therapy, deep self-reflection, or even just starting to challenge his own distorted beliefs about his worth in a relationship. [10:02.7]

Imagine a different scenario for James. He starts working on his self-worth, perhaps with a therapist or a therapy group, or through self-help courses. He begins to understand his own value independent of anyone else’s validation. As he works on himself, his approach to dating begins to change. He starts to look for women who offer stability and mutual respect, and appreciates those fully rather than looking for women who trigger his insecurities.

This change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process. But as James starts to view himself differently, his dating choices naturally change. He no longer seeks women who validate his worth. Instead, he seeks women who complement his newfound self-assurance. He starts to establish relationships that are healthy and balanced, where he can be his genuine, authentic self without the constant need for validation. [10:58.0]

Okay, so James’s journey highlights a crucial point. How we date and the kind of relationships we form are often a direct reflection of our internal psychology. If we’re dealing with unresolved issues, insecurities, or a distorted or skewed life perspective, it’s going to show up in our dating lives. The patterns we see in our relationships almost always trace back to the patterns within us.

So, if you find yourself stuck in a cycle of unsatisfying or unfulfilling relationships, take a moment to reflect, what might your dating patterns be revealing about your internal psychology? Are there insecurities or unresolved issues that you need to address? Remember, the path to healthier relationships starts with the relationship you have with yourself. [11:46.7]

No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It’s why they can’t give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It’s why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.

Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.

Learn more about this transformational program by going to DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery.

That’s D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.

Our personal issues can create some pretty dysfunctional dynamics in our relationships. It’s fascinating and sometimes a bit alarming how much our inner world plays out in our interactions with others. Take as examples how dependency needs can lead to clingy behavior or how our fear of intimacy might cause someone to subconsciously sabotage relationships. [13:04.7]

To really get into the nitty-gritty of this, we’re going to draw on the work of Harville Hendrix and of Richard Schwartz, two giants in understanding interpersonal dynamics in psychology.

First, let’s consider someone with dependency needs. This might look like clingy behavior in relationships, and it’s not just about wanting to be close. It’s an overwhelming need to be close all the time, and this can smother the relationship leading to a dynamic where one person is constantly seeking reassurance and the other is feeling suffocated.

Now, let’s talk about the fear of intimacy. This is a classic case of wanting something but being scared of it at the same time, someone might crave a deep connection. But the moment things get too close or too real, they bolt. They might start picking fights, withdrawing emotionally or even cheating. It’s not that they don’t want the relationship. They’re just terrified of what it might mean to be truly vulnerable. [13:58.8]

Now, I recently devoted an episode to attachment styles, specifically the avoidant attachment style, and you might see here in this example, the anxious attachment style and the avoidant attachment style, but here we’re going to approach this dynamic through the framework of Harville Hendrix and Richard Schwartz.

Harville Hendrix offers this intriguing perspective. In his work, he talks about how we’re often attracted to people who reflect parts of ourselves that we’ve disowned or lost touch with. This is where the concept of chemistry and attraction comes into play. You’re drawn to someone, because on an unconscious level, they’re expressing a part of you that you’ve pushed away or neglected. You can see how this is a really deep perspective on the avoidant-anxious dynamic.

Now, Richard Schwartz takes this further with his Internal Family Systems therapy model. He suggests that we all have different parts within us and these parts can sometimes be in conflict with each other. In the context of relationships, you might have one part that desperately wants closeness and another part that’s scared of getting hurt, and these conflicting parts can create a push-pull dynamic in your relationships. [15:01.6]

Okay, let’s look at a case study to really bring this to life. Let’s take, for example, Emily. Emily is a vibrant, outgoing person, but when it comes to relationships, she’s a bundle of contradictions. She falls hard and fast, but then starts to feel trapped once things get serious. She craves intimacy, but also fears it.

In Emily’s past relationships, this pattern is clear. She’s attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable. On a deeper level, these partners reflect her own disowned fear of intimacy. It’s like she’s trying to solve her internal conflict through her choice of partners. But there’s hope for Emily. By understanding this dynamic, she can start to work on reconciling these conflicting parts of herself. She can learn to acknowledge her fear of intimacy, while also nurturing her desire for closeness.

Again, this isn’t a quick fix. It’s a journey of self-discovery and healing and this is where the therapeutic process comes in. It’s about bringing these unconscious patterns into the light, understanding them and then working to transform them. It’s about finding a way to balance your needs for independence and closeness in a way that’s healthy and fulfilling. [16:11.2]

The takeaway here is that our interpersonal dynamics are often a reflection of our internal struggles. We play out our fears, our needs, and our desires in the context of our relationships. Understanding this can be the key to breaking unhealthy patterns, and building stronger, healthier connections.

Okay, now let’s dive into something that’s crucial for these deep meaningful relationships and connections, authenticity. It’s all about being your genuine self in your relationships. But here’s the catch—personal problems often get in the way of that. They act like a mask or sometimes even a wall, preventing you from showing up as the real you.

The key to tearing down these walls and taking off these masks is to resolve these personal issues, and one of the most effective ways to do this is through individual or, even better, group therapeutic coaching. Let’s get into why this is and how it can transform your relationships. [17:11.2]

Okay, imagine Carl. I haven’t been using any real names here, but imagine Carl. Carl is a guy in his mid-30s, who has always struggled with expressing his real feelings. He’s the type of guy to agree with everything that his partner says, even if he doesn’t actually agree. Why? Because he’s scared of conflict and worried that showing his genuine self might lead to rejection. He’s not being authentic. He’s playing it safe. But the safety comes at a cost. His relationships lack depth. He often feels disconnected and alienated and unfulfilled.

Carl decides to give therapeutic coaching a try. He joins a small therapeutic group, and at first, he’s hesitant, but as he listens to others share their experiences and challenges, he starts to open up. He realizes he’s not alone in his fears and struggles. Through the group’s support and guidance, Carl begins to work on his fear of conflict and rejection. He learns that it’s okay to have his own opinions and express them, even if they differ from his partner’s. [18:14.8]

He starts practicing this in small ways at first, like choosing a movie that he wants to watch or suggesting a restaurant that he likes. Over time, Carl becomes more comfortable with being his genuine self. He is no longer just agreeing in order to avoid conflict. He’s engaging genuinely. Something amazing happens in his relationships. They start to deepen. His partners appreciate his honesty and his authenticity, and he feels a stronger connection than he did before.

This transformation doesn’t happen overnight. It takes work, vulnerability and courage. But by addressing his personal issues in a supportive, dynamic therapeutic setting, Carl was able to break through the barriers that were holding him back. [18:57.1]

Let’s break down why group therapeutic coaching was so effective for Carl. One, it provided a safe space for him to explore and understand his fears. He wasn’t just getting advice. He was actively working through his issues in real time. Second, being in a group allowed Carl to see that he wasn’t alone. He could relate to others’ experiences, which helped to normalize his feelings and reduce his toxic shame.

Group therapeutic coaching also offered diverse perspectives and immediate feedback. Carl could see how his behavior affected others and learned from their experiences in real time. In this kind of here-and-now, real-time interaction and feedback is invaluable for personal growth quickly.

The bottom line here is that authenticity in relationships is key for a deeper, more fulfilling connection, and to get there, addressing personal problems is essential, whether it’s through individual therapy or group therapeutic coaching. Taking the step to work on yourself can transform not just your relationships but your entire life. [20:01.0]

Carl’s story is just one example, but it illustrates a powerful truth. When you bring your authentic self to your relationships, you open the door to a more genuine, meaningful connection. It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely worth it.

Okay, we’ve covered a lot of ground already, so let’s do a quick recap.

We started by exploring how internal issues manifest in external relationships, like how unresolved personal problems such as low self-esteem or unresolved trauma can negatively impact our relationships.

Then we dove into the idea of dating as a reflection of self, discussing how our emotions and inner psychology and life perspective are mirrored in the way we date and the kind of relationships we end up in.

We also talked about interpersonal dynamics, specifically how personal issues can create dysfunctional dynamics in our relationships, like dependency leading to clingy behavior or fear of intimacy causing someone to sabotage their relationships unconsciously. [21:01.0]

Finally, we dove into the importance of authenticity in relationships, and how resolving personal issues is key to engaging more genuinely and deeply with partners.

Now, imagine going through life continually repeating the same negative patterns and relationships, never really understanding why. It’s like driving with a foggy windshield. You can’t see clearly and you’re bound to keep hitting the same obstacles. This could lead to a string of broken relationships or chronic dissatisfaction, and a deep sense of loneliness and disconnection. It’s not just about the heartbreak or the loneliness. It’s about the cumulative effect of these experiences on your sense of self and your outlook on life.

But let’s look at a potential positive future from doing the therapeutic work. I want to share a case study about– let’s call him Brian. Brian came to me to do therapeutic work, grappling with a string of failed relationships. He was repeating a pattern of falling for emotionally-unavailable women. Through therapy, Brian started to unravel the threads of his past, understanding how his upbringing led him to seek out women who mirrored the emotional unavailability of his mother. [22:12.2]

As Brian worked through these issues, he began to make different choices. He started to value himself more and to look for women who are capable of emotional availability, intimacy and nurturing. It wasn’t a quick or easy journey for him, but the changes in his relationships were profound. He eventually found a woman who was not only emotionally available, but who also encouraged him to continue growing and exploring himself as she continued to grow in her own ways.

Brian’s story illustrates the transformative power of addressing and resolving our underlying personal therapeutic issues. It shows how doing the therapeutic work can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. It’s about breaking free from the ineffective patterns that have held you back and opening yourself up to a future filled with deeper connections and a stronger sense of yourself. [23:02.8]

I hope Brian’s story and our exploration today have inspired you to reflect on your own patterns and consider the journey towards healthier relationships. Remember, the path to better relationships starts with understanding and working on yourself.

Thank you so much for tuning in. Keep striving for growth, connection and authenticity in all your relationships. If you liked this episode, hit a like or follow or subscribe on whatever platform you’re listening to this on. Let me know what you thought of this episode. Leave a comment, get in touch with me, and if this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it.

Thank you again so much for listening. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then David Tian, signing out. [23:42.8]

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